"Bones, do you have a minute?" Kirk said, standing in front of the door to McCoy's quarters.

McCoy as always wasn't impressed. "Yeah and before you ask – Spock is here."

"How…how is he?" Kirk breathed and there was an edge of despair in his voice.

"I woke up in the middle of the night to find him curled up on my couch, shaking badly. He didn't react to my voice or touch," McCoy said and crossed his arms in front of his broad chest.

Kirk's eyes scanned the room, looking over McCoy's right shoulder; as if Spock was lying right there and he just couldn't see him. "Spock," and it came out closer to a growl than a shout.

"Jim.."

He tried again: "Spock!" And then he barged into McCoy's quarters, searching for the Vulcan in question. Spock wasn't asleep on the couch anymore but as Kirk reached the door to McCoy's bedroom, the doctor was already standing in front of it, blocking the way.

"What the hell is wrong with you, you goddamn Iowan hick?" McCoy barked.

"Is he in there?"

McCoy shifted, to block the door even more effectively.

"Move," Kirk said, trying to get past the doctor. "I can and will make it an order, if necessary."

"Jim. Wait," McCoy snarled. His hands were up, inches from physically touching the younger man.

"Bones," Kirk growled through clenched teeth. "I said move."

He was becoming an obstacle between him and his Vulcan, and that was never a good thing to be. However McCoy didn't move and glared back. "No. You need to calm the fuck down and listen."

"Listen?" Kirk gestured at the doors leading to McCoy's bedroom. "If Spock is in this room, that's all I need to know."

"No, it's not all you need to know. Spock's terrified, Jim," McCoy spat.

Kirk took a step back and looked at McCoy who towered slightly over him. "Wait, he's terrified? As in scared?" He asked. That had never occurred to him. He had been prepared to find an angry Spock, an agitated one but not a scared one.

"Yes, as in scared. You think there's another meaning to the word?" McCoy asked. "Our Vulcan's so scared that I haven't been able to sleep because he's projecting so hard, and I wake up with screaming nightmares." That explained all the coffee cups, on Bones living room table.

"I though you were psi null and he's a touch telepath. So without touching there shouldn't be any transmission?"

"I am psi null, but apparently that doesn't matter to Spock's telepathy. Besides, you're not the only one who has a link to him. Vulcans are connected to every person they once met. The links may be small, not full-blown bonds, but they're there. That's why it's so hard for them to cope with all the deaths, Nero caused. Spock's one of the only ten thousand Vulcan survivors which had almost every single bond, every single fucking link they had ever formed ripped out of their skulls within seconds and without any sort of warning. That causes trauma. Severe trauma."

"Bones, I'm not here for a lesson about Vulcan telepathy. Let me through. Now!"

"Look, I'm sorry for everything that's happened between you, Jim… It can't be easy.."

"What did he tell you?"

"Nothing…he didn't have to. His dreams spoke for themselves."

"Let me see him, please Bones," Kirk said in a voice suddenly rough. "I won't take advantage of him, you know me…I wouldn't do that…"

"He relies on you, Jim…"

"You keep saying that. Don't you think I don't know that? I want to do this right," Kirk found himself snarling. "I just don't know how. And I can't control my thoughts all the time…"

"Jim…"

You think I know what's going on with this?" he retorts. "For fuck's sake, I'm not even into Vulcans."

"I think wanting to have sex with a Vulcan does qualify as being into Vulcans, Jim."

"Asshole. You know what I mean."

"Sure."

"You know I would never act on it…not if he didn't want to, not in the situation we're in right now... God, he's my friend, Bones – do you really think I only bonded with him, so that I could fuck him?"

"Alright, Jim," McCoy said quietly. "But I'm not really the one you need to explain that to. Spock doesn't understand your motives, not after what transferred between the two of you. It scares him."

"I want to explain that to him. That's the reason why I'm here…so let me to him…"

"No," McCoy said quietly. "You can see him this evening. He's sleeping right now and I want to talk to him first, and that's not happening until he's fully awake and lucid. Leave, do your captain thing. You can come back by the end of Alpha shift."

Spock dreamed of Christopher lying on the floor in front of him, fire spreading around them. The Vulcan felt his consciousness reaching out for him. Anger. Confusion. Loneliness. Fear. I don't want to leave you, sweetheart.

And suddenly there was Kirk by his side, a comforting hand on his shoulder, a light in the darkness and pain.

He woke up screaming. Air burned through his throat and doctor McCoy was there, hopeful, needing, "What is it, Spock, what is it-" and he could feel the metal of a knife under his throat and taste the warm blood in his mouth and see the look in Christopher's eyes on that day, when every life left him.

"Spock?" Kirk spoke softly, kneeling in front of the Vulcan, who was seated on McCoy's bed, wrapped in apparently every blanket Bones possessed. It was the voice he used to talk Spock out of nightmares. The nightmares Spock never talked about, the ones that left Kirk listening to the Vulcan whimper in his sleep until the human sat up and just talked. He sat for hours every night, holding Spock in his arms, that first months after Pike's death and just talked until his voice was close to gone.

"We've to talk."

"Why?"

Spock's hair was messier than Kirk was used to, mussed from sleep and sticking out in several directions. His skin was too pale and there were dark circles under Spock's eyes, smudged and worn and ground in like they had always been there. He looked very young, more like a dying teenager than ever. There was a cup of probably Vulcan spiced tea on the bedside table, and a full bowl of strange pink soup.

"You know why."

Kirk moved his hand slowly, as if reaching towards a wild animal with a tendency to bite. The Vulcan tried to cringe away from the touch. Kirk frowned.

"I can never give you what you want."

Spock found himself backing across the bed as Kirk invaded his personal space and Kirk with visible effort stopped halfway in his movement and lowered his hand, which was in the progress of touching the Vulcan. "I understand that. I do. And I don't ask for it. But I'd like it if we could be friends again. We used to be friends, Spock. Before all of this mess started, we used to be friends."

Spock stared at him warily, and Jim – very daringly – lay his hands out across the bed sheets so that the tips of their fingers were brushing.

"I know how hard everything is for you. I know that I'm not the best husband, mate - whatever. But I'm your friend, Spock and I want to help you and I don't want anything in return. But I can't prove it– really prove it – unless you let me."

The Vulcan lowered his head and Kirk covered his bony white hands, with his own.

I know you're lost, sweetheart. But you've got to find your way back." Kirk said and fought his voice from turning it into the plea it was. "Fuck, darling…I'm slowly running out of breadcrumbs to give you to follow."

"Do you love him?" McCoy said, face stony serious.

Kirk shrugged his shoulders. For a moment, the doctor let himself see Pike in Kirk's movements. They had the same aura of confidence. They both moved like they owned the place. "Not enough. Not as much as he deserves."

"That makes the whole being bonded to Spock thing, not exactly less complicated – I hope you know that." McCoy sighed, reached for the bourbon and poured out two generous glasses.

Kirk took a seat and accepted the dark liquid. He had always enjoyed spending time in McCoy's quarters. McCoy's quarters were homey. They weren't museum-clean, but they weren't dirty either. There were PADDs stacked on his desk and a few dirty glasses, besides a lot of old-fashioned medical books and a picture from Jo on the shelves in the living area. The couch, Kirk was sitting on, was covered with a blanket and the whole place looked lived-in. McCoy's quarters were so unlike Spock's dream of OCD perfection, the Vulcan had turned the captain's quarters into.

"I do. I'm not good at relationships; you've said as much yourself. I flirt, I sleep around, I get jealous easily. I don't like to share... I've never stayed with someone for more than a few months; I tried, and it just never worked out. It's like I couldn't do it. I wanted to, with Carol I wanted to."

"What makes you think that you can do the whole relationship thing with Spock now?" McCoy said flatly, draining half of his glass before looking the younger man in the eyes.

Kirk swallowed.

"God, Jim. Your bond with Spock isn't a game, where you only lose money when you fuck up. There's so much more at stake. We speak about Spock's life, Jim. Why do you think I was always so worried about your decision to bond with Spock back in the day? I know how you're when it comes to relationships, how easily you lose interest or feel trapped by them. Remember that one time Carol was heavily pregnant, and you were so scared of becoming a father and then just vanished for three months and I found you in that shady New York bar, so plastered that you didn't even recognize me? That doesn't exactly scream I am ready for commitment and to take responsibility, you know."

"No, no… I suppose it doesn't. It's just…I was in love with her. I know I was. I thought what I was doing was the best thing for her. For us. I wasn't ready to be a father. I wouldn't be a good one. She, the baby, they deserved someone better. Someone less broken." Kirk said, staring down at his hands and then knocked back his own glass of bourbon. "Or maybe it was just the best thing for me. I screwed up. I know it and I can't promise I won't do it again. I just can try not to do it this time around."

"I know you think I'm a damn fool for bonding with him to begin with but I'd do it again in an instant, if it meant saving Spock."

"It's just— I know you, Jim," McCoy seemed to deflate. The bite went out of his words. "I know you have issues yourself. And I thought what Spock needed was someone who was whole." He paused as if debating the correctness of his assessment. "But maybe not."

"What changed your mind?" Kirk asked.

"Spock screamed your name this morning instead of Pike's, when he woke up from another nightmare."

To be continued ...