('Authors' notes – In case anyone is still reading this fic I didn't like where it was heading, I mean I don't even read angsty fics so arse knows why I was trying to write one. So I've gone back and tinkered with all the previous chapters to make this more into the kind of fic I actually enjoy, namely light hearted fun replete with bad jokes and attempts at sardonic (fuck)wittery. So you may want to go back and re-read this from the beginning so you can find out what the hell is going on. Enjoy?)
"So what about Skeletor?", asked Faith as her fingers drummed on the kitchen table whilst Regina pinched the bridge of her nose, the endless barrage of questions of the last hour were sapping her strength.
"I don't know who that is"
"What about….oh no, he's from Omicron Persei 8. Oh, what about Cheetara?"
"Faith….."
"Surely Jack Skellington's gotta be….."
"Faith…sweetheart. Can we talk about something else rather than what people from the Enchanted Forest are actually real or not"
"And what about Ariel? I mean, what exactly does her vagina smell like….'cos she's already pretty fishy"
"Faith! That's disgusting"
"Sorry. But it sure was lucky how you all spoke English back there", shrugged the slayer as she smirked at the sheer coincidence about being transported across time and space from one realm to another and their native tongue didn't change.
"I…..oh, nevermind", Regina said as she picked up the large dish and placed it on the table, "How about some more apple pie? It's the last one I made before we moved here so enjoy it while it lasts"
"Nah I'm ok, got any Cheetos?", asked Faith as she pulled herself from her chair and nearly tripped over one of the myriad of boxes littering the kitchen making the house seem like a third world relief effort.
"Not yet, I have to send Emma out for some groceries once she gets out of the shower", Regina said as though she appreciated the help with unpacking she was so fastidious about her domain and the kitchen was indeed her kingdom, "Why don't you go and play with Henry for a while? I think he's set his PlayStation up. It'll give you a chance to get to know him"
"Er….nah, it's ok", Faith said as she started to fidget from foot to foot hauling her gaze down to the floor.
"Oh I see, you don't want to disappoint him do you. You finally found someone who looks up to you without hesitation or judgment and you're scared you might let him down", said Regina as she smiled victoriously having finally found the coffee bean grinder.
"Hey, will you stop that", snapped the slayer.
"Stop what?"
"That magic shit, looking into my brain like that", snorted Faith folding her arms across her chest as she was so unused to having her true feelings exposed in such a way.
"Please stop using that crude language dear", Regina said softly.
"Sorry", muttered Faith feeling strange that she felt bad for swearing but also accepting Regina's chiding without a thought, "But still, will you stop lo-jacking my brain and checking out what's goin' on"
"I'm not using magic my lil' puffling, I would never do that without your permission. It's just mother's intuition is all, so stiffen the sinews and summon up the blood…. and go play", said the former Queen in an over dramatic fashion.
"But I….you have all this unpacking to do. I thought I'd….y'know….", Faith said with a slight blush as she would never admit that mundane household chores could be the source of joy if she was doing them with her mother, something she had fantasised about for so long. She couldn't deny the warming of her heart every time Regina smiled at her or put a loving hand on her shoulder in the last couple of days since she burst into town in a flurry of witchcraft and power-suits.
"That's very sweet of you, but leave it to me. I have a certain way I like to organize my kitchen, I admit it would've been easier to just use magic to transport everything across the country. You can imagine the looks we got when Emma and I went to hire a U-Haul, stupid stereotypes"
"You can poof things? People too?"
"I can do what?", asked Regina as she carefully moved her precious bowl of apples to one side, the last crop to come from her tree back in Storybrooke.
"Y'know…..poof", said Faith clicking her fingers which felt a strange tingle ever since her mother had come to Sunnydale.
"If you mean 'Can I teleport things?' then the answer is yes"
"So why didn't you just poof across the country"
"Not after I teleported Emma and I across Storybrooke to see how she would react, just to test it out as I haven't used magic for a long time. Safe to say she owes me a new pair of Louboutins", Regina said with a scowl recalling her horror at having to scrape vomit off her new shoes. "So we drove, but it was nice to see some of the rest of the country for once"
"But what about…..", said Faith before a small shy voice cut her off.
"Faith…er…. will you come and play Super Mario Kart with me?", Henry asked cautiously as he lingered by the door of the kitchen.
"Er…..why don't you ask Emma?", Faith replied feeling a little uncertain about spending time alone with the young boy though she couldn't pinpoint the source of her apprehension. But in her heart she knew Regina's words were true, and that's what stung the most.
"She sucks at it"
"What about your Mom?", she asked nodding towards Regina who was busily arranging the kitchen in her obsessive compulsive way.
"We don't let her play games anymore as she gets a little…. let's just say she's a bad loser"
"Henry, I am not", Regina chided him gently.
"Really? Do you remember monopoly night?", he said with a little smirk and a glint in his eye.
"Oh….that", Regina replied with a sight blush recalling well the night when they played and, just after she lost all her money, the board mysteriously burst into flames.
"So will you play with me?", he pleaded with the same puppy dog eyes which Buffy used on her so often.
"I….er…..sure….why not", Faith replied. As they walked through to the living room Faith flinched for Henry had slipped his hand into hers, as she looked down in alarm she just saw the innocent smile of a child who could, given time, idolize her the way she always dreamed of. Even though the thought of the responsibility made her shiver, something about his gentle charms made her not tear her fingers away but rub the back of his hand with her thumb.
They sat in front of the large TV and Henry handed her a controller, as the graphics blazed across the screen they paid little attention to Emma who wandered through into the kitchen still drying her hair. She knew better than to interrupt anyone when gaming, it was something that annoyed the hell out of her back in Boston when she got a Sega Genesis one Xmas for her last foster family were sweet and supportive people she had unfortunately lost contact with.
"Morning Regina", Emma said brightly walking into the kitchen.
"Morning peasant"
"What?"
"Oh sorry honey, force of habit", the Queen grinned back sheepishly with the vague ghost of an apology mixed in there, "Did you sleep well?"
"Of course not, you know I can't sleep without you there", Emma pouted playfully. "And the couch really did a number on my back"
"Well you're just lucky the house came fully furnished otherwise you would've been sleeping on the floor"
"How many times do I have to apologise for that Bounty Hunter thing? I was just talking, she seemed interested in my past so I thought it'd be a good confidence booster and show Faith I could be open and honest with her, I never thought she'd get a dumbass idea like wanting to choose it as a career"
"Emma, I've been searching for my Esme…I mean Faith, all these years and now I have her back in my life I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone or anything take her from me"
"But didn't that Buffy girl change Faith's mind about the bounty hunter thing?"
"She's trying, as am I. It seems Faith can be quite stubborn when she wants to be. Even when she's wrong"
"Gee, I wonder where she gets that from?", Emma said tapping her chin trying not to smirk.
"Do you want to sleep outside tonight? I can get you a kennel you know", Regina threatened playfully.
"Are you ok baby? You seem even weirder than usual today", Emma said as she put a hand on her lover's forearm, even though she was in the doghouse the blonde woman knew that Regina loved every glancing touch and warm smile offered by her.
"I'm just….so tense", the former Queen said rubbing the back of her neck.
"I'll get the mink glove"
"No….. no glove"
"N-no glove?", Emma said with a hint of worry, "But you love it when I rub you with the mink glove and we get…."
"Hey, I can hear you in there!", came Faith's voice from the living room.
"How did she….", Emma said startled as their voices weren't that loud.
"Slayer hearing!"
"Oh man, looks like we're going to have to be careful when we get the strap…..", Emma said in a lowered tone.
"Guys, please!", Faith shouted once more from the living room as she really didn't need such images to plague her mind.
"Oh for….", sighed Emma as she turned on the coffee grinder in an attempt to smother their voices. "So tell me baby, what's the real crank in your pants today?"
"Well…..things aren't progressing the way I had hoped with Faith", Regina said as her lover's arms wrapped around her waist pulling her into a sweet embrace.
"Oh god, this isn't about the Bond thing is it?", Emma said with a slight whine recalling the two hour lecture Regina had given her about why Connery was the ultimate 007.
"No, I just have this feeling that she wants to be with me….with us and not just literally. But her heart has been so soiled by neglect that she fears opening up to me. And with her birthday party only a few days away I'm a little anxious about it"
"I said I was sorry about that too", Emma sighed again, "I just thought a costume party would be kinda cool"
"But I dread what my baby girl will come up with as a suitable outfit. Not to mention you"
"Me?"
"Yes you, I know what you're like when I let you off the leash", Regina smirked as she took in the adorably playful pout of her lover, "But we seem to have gone off the point a bit here. I was talking about Faith, and her being a part of all this"
"Well things have been rolling by damn quickly, I mean we only met her a few days ago and now here she is having breakfast with us. Just take it one step at a time, after all, we didn't exactly hit it off when I rolled into Storybrooke"
"That's true. I guess you're right, we don't want to rush things….but procrastination costs one dearly. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about", Regina said as she felt Emma's warm lips on her neck.
"So… did you use magic on them?", Emma said as her eyes crossed the counter to spy the local paper bearing the headline about Regina being made interim Mayor of Sunnydale.
"The town council? Maybe…just a little", Regina shrugged as she tore the duct tape off another box as she searched for her antique scales, "But it's for their own good, it's not like I'm a neophyte at such things. Besides, with me in charge I can help protect my baby"
Regina looked at all the boxes yet to unpack and breathed a sigh of relief for one of the perks of her new position was the mayor's mansion. With Richard Wilkins gone and unaccounted for, the house and all its contents, technically the property of the town of Sunnydale, was now the home of the new Mayor and her family. As she breathed in the freedom of her new life a sudden squeal from the living room only warmed her heart a little more as she overheard the playful banter.
"No way, you span me!", cried Faith as her fingers pressed buttons manically.
"Nice try Lao Che", smirked Henry as his car sped over the finish line. "Another game?"
"Damn right, you have no idea how much B will rag on me if she finds out my lil' bro beat me at Super Mario Kart. I'm the Queen of this game, no-one here has ever beaten me more than once", Faith said nudging him with her arm as he fired up the console again.
"So…"
"So?", parroted the slayer feeling quickly acclimated to his company.
"So, are you going to move in with us?", Henry asked as the game spirited into digitised life once more.
"W-what?", coughed Faith as Henry used her momentary distraction to tear into the lead.
"Move in with us. If we're a family shouldn't a family be together?"
"I-I guess….but I…I don't know"
"Why not? Then you can get to know Mom and Ma, and we can play Mario all the time", he said buoyantly with hope lilting in his voice though his eyes wouldn't tear from the flashing screen.
"The only reason I ever moved in with B was when Mrs S came round to my motel room and just started packing my things. I just stood there but she wasn't taking any of my lame ass excuses, she'd paid my overdue bill and checked me out so I had to get out of the motel anyway, but when Mrs S gets that bit between her teeth then you can't say no to her. B was surprised but kinda pissed as she'd begged me to move into their spare room for about two weeks but I said I wanted my independence and shi….", Faith broke off trying to temper her language.
"But now we're here you can be part of your real family", he pressed.
"It….it's kind of a big step", she said trying to avoid the question, "Maybe you should ask your Mom"
"I'm your mother too, sweetheart", Regina said from the doorway overhearing their conversation, "Then maybe I could be the Mom you always wanted….the Mother I always wished to be for you"
"Ahem"
"Don't worry Henry, you'll always be my number one man….but your sister needs to share that love too"
"I know…..but if Faith moves in I can have someone cool to hang out with. Plus she can teach me how to slay vampires and….."
"What!? No way!", Regina snapped
"Yeah lil' H, it's not something you should think about", Faith replied until she lowered her voice to a whisper just for his ears, "Not yet anyway"
"Ha-ha! I won again!", crowed Henry as once more his car crossed the finish line ahead of hers.
"Oh you suck Luigi… fire it up again lil' H. I need a soda", Faith said getting to her feet and, after a moment's hesitation, tousled his hair for which a wide smile was her reward.
The slayer grinned back before stepping into the kitchen where Regina smiled on proudly at both her children whilst trying to ignore the crackling in the background.
"He's really something isn't he", Faith said nodding towards Henry.
"He's very wise for his age", Regina said before turning around and glaring at her lover," I think maturity must skip a generation"
"Hey", protested Emma as she rummaged around for the free toy in the box of Frosted Flakes.
Before any more mockery could strike Emma the shrill call of the doorbell rang throughout the large house, checking her hair and lipstick in the hallway mirror for she was a perfectionist, Regina answered the door to be greeted by two smiling figures.
"Buffy? What are you doing here?"
"Hi Ms Mills….or should I say Madam Mayor…. er…this is my Mom. She insisted on coming over and saying hello", Buffy said awkwardly feeling like such a child as she stood next to her mother.
"Pleasure to meet you, I'm Regina Mills", the new Mayor said welcoming Joyce into her home.
"Nice to meet you, I'm Joyce….oh, I brought you something. Kind of a welcome to Sunnydale gift", said Joyce with a broad smile handing over a warm dish covered by a tea towel.
"You'll love it", Buffy crowed feverishly, "Mom's apple pie is the best ever!"
"Oh… really?", replied Regina as her eyes narrowed into slits and her fingers tightened on the porcelain dish.
"Oh shit", Emma muttered as she watched the scorn brewing in her lover's eyes as she sensed the rattling of sabers.
"Yeah, it's practically it's own food group"
"Oh hush Buffy", Joyce said gently but the pride in her eyes shone through.
"No, it's true", Buffy said brightly, "Mom's apple pie has won the Sunnydale bake off for two years running now, and she's sure to win it again next week"
"I…..see", Regina said icily as she took the apple pie as if it was a dish of ebola ridden monkey innards, ready to spirit it away to some untold hell dimension the second Joyce's back was turned.
"I don't mean to toot my own horn….but you'll never taste a better apple pie", Joyce said proudly with a hint of her egotism shining through.
"Oh shitting shit", muttered Emma as she sensed the offence scouring the skin of the new Mayor.
"Is…that…a….fact", replied Regina feeling every hair on her neck stand up and her eyes crackle with outrage, "….well on this side of the country it might be, I guess we just have higher standards back East"
"Meaning?", replied Joyce as if her face had been slapped by a half filled catheter bag.
"I'm quite the cook myself. And I do have to say, I make a mean apple pie", Regina replied pompously for this was a crown that she would not give up without a fight as she bore her smile of political insincerity.
"Oh really?", Joyce replied as her warmth slithered away as she sensed a threat to her position for even though she was an easy going liberal, she thrived on acting as den mother for Buffy and her friends. And her apple pie was the source of her pride and now this outsider was threatening her throne.
"Yes, probably the best apple pie you'll ever taste", Regina smirked as the two women faced each other like duelling desperados at high noon, each one waiting for the other to flinch as a deafening silence befell them. Eyes narrowed and lips pulled into menacing grimaces before they both turned towards the living room.
"Faith, you've tasted my apple pie…."
"And mine" butted in Joyce earning a glower from the Mayor before she continued.
"….so who's is best?", Regina asked as she and Joyce stood side by side staring at the slayer.
"For God's sake don't answer that!", Emma mumbled leaping in the way of the proverbial bullet.
"What do you mean? Are you taking her side…Miss Swan?", Regina said making Emma gulp as the use of her formal name was usually the prelude to something not of the good.
"Oh hell no, I'm not getting involved in this Vietnam. I'm already sleeping on the couch, how much worse can it get?"
"I know you think you might be a fine cook, Madam Mayor", Joyce sneered though covering it with her customary politeness, "But my recipe was handed down through my family. It was taught to me by my mother"
"Shall I show you what I learnt from my mother?", Regina smirked as a purple mist gathered in her hands.
"No!", Emma shouted grabbing Regina by the shoulders and pulling her slightly back making the magic dissipate into nothingness.
"Well I guess there's only one way to prove it. Saturday is the Sunnydale bake off and…", Joyce said throwing down the challenge.
"I'll be there", Regina countered as the two matriarchs stared each other down in deathly silence. All they needed was fleeing townspeople and tumbleweeds to float across the room to complete the scenario.
"Good….now come along Buffy. We're not staying", Joyce said as she grabbed her daughters wrist and pulled her out the door. "I need you to run to the store for me"
"B-but Mom…..", coughed the other slayer as she was led away like a naughty child."….Faith… I'll see you on patrol then?"
"Yeah…..seeya B", Faith said confused as the door slammed shut, "So….that went well"
"Wait for it…..", Henry said as he rolled his eyes whilst the former Queen pulled her shoulders back and snapped her head up.
"Emma, fetch my apples!... Henry, my apron!", spat Regina as she strode into the kitchen and flicked her wrist making her boxes burst open as she furiously searched for her utensils.
"I think you should get outta here for a while", Emma said nudging Faith, "Maybe retreat to a safe distance"
"Ok. How far is a safe distance?", asked Faith as Emma tried to gauge the irritation of Regina who was swiftly writing down a shopping list as the air around her crackled with irate magic.
"Florida maybe?"