TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM Mentions of past self-harm and mildly graphic depiction. PLEASE DON'T READ IF THIS TRIGGERS YOU.

"I've taken care of it," Caitlin said.

"And how exactly have you done that?" Barry asked wearily, leaning back on the edge of the counter.

She just smiled. "Don't worry. Just go to your appointment. I have it all set up – you won't feel anything, I promise."

"That's still not very reassuring," Barry said, twisting the edge of his jacket between his fingers.

"Caitlin's playing nurse," Cisco said, walking by.

Barry shot her a look. She rolled her eyes. "Just show up at the appointment."

"OK," Barry said. His stomach still turned at the thought of the dentist appointment.

"It'll be fine," Caitlin said, her hand going down on his arm. She smiled at him. "I promise.

They've said that before, Barry thought. He tried to smile back.

"Think you're up for one more blood test?" Caitlin asked.

Barry groaned. "Why do you need so much blood? One of you a vampire meta and didn't tell me?"

"It's for research," Caitlin said, "And it would really help. I don't need it right now if you're not ready."

Barry's stomach clenched again. Oh, there we go. She didn't need it, she just, you know, needed it to possibly cure mankind of diseases. Cell regeneration. And he knew she didn't mean it, but there was the guilt. He could help so many people. And he would avoid helping them because of his stupid, selfish, childish fear.

"No, it's fine," Barry said.

Caitlin looked over at Cisco. Apparently they were surprised by this.

"OK, well, come sit down," she said.

Barry wrung out his hands. Breathe. Just breathe. Easy. He could do this. It was just a little blood.

She brought the needle over and Barry sucked in a breath.

"You ready, Barry?"

He nodded, his eyes closed. It's to save lives, he thought. She wiped the antiseptic on his arm and he almost jumped. Savelivessavelivessavelivessavelives.

She took his arm.

"Wait," he said.

Caitlin froze. Barry took a few deep breaths. Saving lives. Saving lives.

She put her hand on his arm. "It's OK, Barry."

"I know," he said. He squeezed his eyes shut. Iknowiknowiknowiknowiknow.

"Barry, look at me," Caitlin said.

Barry looked over. He started tapping his foot eccentrically.

"It's alright," she said, "It's just me. One pinch, then it'll be done – I promise."

Promises. Barry nodded.

"Are you ready?"

Barry nodded.

She slid the needle into his skin. Barry tensed, freezing. Oh, God, he was going to throw up. It was inside him, the needle, oh God. He started getting dizzy.

"Doing great, Barry," Caitlin said.

Barry stared straight ahead.

"OK, almost – there – done," she said.

Barry couldn't think, let alone move. He just sat there while Caitlin dabbed something on his arm, and then she was in front of him, and he couldn't move.

"Barry?"

"Mmm?"

"You OK?"

His mouth wouldn't work. "Yeah."

"You did really good."

Barry nodded.

He stood up shakily. Caitlin hovered around him but he didn't say anything. He felt like he was going to be sick. It was over, it was done, but he couldn't get the feeling of the needle sliding into his arm out of his head, couldn't get the panic to get out of his blood.

Eventually he had to leave for work. He was late. He was always late, but today he didn't even notice it, didn't even register it when the captain commented to him on his way up to the lab. He sat in the chair and stared at case files, but he couldn't focus. He couldn't make his mind work. There was a stack that needed to be finished by the end of the day and Barry couldn't get his brain to process two sentences, never mind speed read through them all.

And it was so simple really. It was lying on his desk, not six inches from his hand, and after all it didn't really matter, did it. It was in his hands before he knew what he was doing and the screw was tiny, easy to push out of place. A pencil sharpener. They used to be his favorite – easiest thing to get his hands on once Joe started watching his razors. You take one little screw out then the blade falls right into your hands.

Just a few cuts, that's all it would take. Just enough to think straight.

I shouldn't do this, Barry thought, but somehow the blade was in his hands anyway. I can't keep doing this. A million excuses raced through his brain. It's just to focus. He healed so fast now anyway. It barely bled. They were just cuts. But mostly he just wanted the calm, that shivering, rolling, wonderful calm. It was like sinking into water, like opening his mouth to breathe.

The blade dragged across his skin. Blood beaded up. It barely hurt, barely even stung.

Barry took a deep breath, and somehow this one seemed to actually get oxygen into his lungs.

The door banged open.

Barry jumped, grabbing up the disassembled pencil sharpener and throwing it into a drawer. He shoved it closed behind him, spinning.

It was Eddie.

And his mouth was open, one hand still on the door knob.

"Hey, Eddie, what'cha doing – did you uh – did you need anything?" Barry asked. His heart was hammering in his chest. He pushed his hands behind his back but he was wearing short sleeves.

"Barry," Eddie said, walking slowly over to him, "What's behind you?"

"Nothing," Barry said, "Absolutely nothing. My desk. Just my desk, and my hands."

"What's in your hands?"

"Nothing," Barry said again, but this time it was true.

Eddie walked closer. "What's on your hands?"

Barry's body went cold.

"N-nothing."

"Barry."

"Nothing."

"Show me your arms."

"It's nothing – really," Barry said.

"Barry," Eddie said. His voice was way too calm. "Show me your arms."

"It's not –"

"What it looks like?"

Barry licked his lips. He tried to smile. "Eddie –"

"Barry, show me –"

Barry pushed his arms out in front of him, the cuts lining the inside of his left wrist.

Eddie didn't say anything.

And then Barry just had to open his mouth. "It's OK, really," he said, "They're not as bad as they look – and – and it's OK, I have everything totally, completely under control – it's just a little – a bad habit, and I'm – it's OK. I'm OK. I'm perfectly OK, just a little – I just screwed up this once, really – and they're not – you know, it's not dangerous. They're too small. It's too small – I mean, it's not even an it, it's just, this once, you know – but it's OK, I'm –"

"Does Iris know?"

Barry clenched his teeth.

Eddie stared at him. "Does Joe know?"

Eddie turned around.

"Wait, Eddie, Eddie, wait," Barry said, running around to intercept him, "You can't tell them," he said. "Please, you can't – they – it's OK. It's under control."

Eddie looked at him, and then grabbed his arm, jerking it up. "That," he said, "Is not under control. That is bad. That is not OK, and you –" he stopped, shaking his head and finally throwing up his hands. "How am I supposed to keep this a secret from them? From Iris? From Joe?"

Barry closed his eyes. He didn't want to do this. He really, really did not want to do this.

Eddie moved to go around him.

"They already know," he burst out, "I did it when I was a kid – I stopped, but I… started… again."

Eddie halted. "So you quit, before?"

"Yeah."

Eddie paused. He shook his head, and finally wiped a hand down his face.

"I'll get a first aid kit – they we'll talk."

THIS IS A LINE BREAK BECAUSE APPARENTLY MINE AREN'T WORKING YAYYYY

"Fourteen?"

"Yeah."

Eddie groaned.

"Alright, give me the blade."

"What?"

"You heard me, give me the blade."

"But it's – it's my pencil sharpener."

"Use the electric one."

"I don't like the –"

"Barry, I had an alcoholic for an uncle – I know how these things work, now give me the blade."

Barry took out the piece. He handed it over slowly.

"You know I could get another one."

"I know."

"I've got razors at home."

"You should get rid of them."

"I have to shave."

"Shave at Joe's house."

"I am not going to go to Joe's house to shave just because –"

"Because you cut yourself with your razors?" Eddie asked, crossing his arms.

"I don't – just once. It's not a big deal."

"Really?"

"Yes." Barry touched his arm through the jacket he had put on. Eddie had carefully helped him wrap up the cuts but they had already healed.

"You gonna tell Joe or am I telling Joe?"

"He really doesn't need to know," Barry said, his stomach flipping. It was the same stupid feeling he got when he was fourteen and Joe was staring him down. Let me see your wrists, Barry.

"I can't keep this from my partn-"

"You kept you and Iris from him," Barry shot back.

Eddie closed his mouth. "OK, yes, we did, but that wasn't dangero-"

"It's not dangerous," Barry said, "I've never done it – it's never been bad enough to be dangerous."

"You know what I mean, it's not – it's not healthy, Barry."

"I'll stop."

"Will you?"

"Yes."
"I don't believe you."

"Why? I've done it before."

"Then why'd you start again?"

"Just, stress, stuff."

"The hospital stuff?"

"She said she wouldn't tell you."

"Barry after that time you weaseled your way out of the blood drive it really wasn't that hard to figure out."

Barry clenched his teeth. He thought he had been pretty smooth about that. Apparently his excuses hadn't been as well thought out as he thought they were. What had he said? Something about a train stuck at a station and having to go pick up a friend – and no there were definitely no cabs to pick him up, and no Barry didn't have a car, but – ok so it wasn't that great of an excuse.

"Look, Barry, I really think you should –"

Eddie cut off as Joe pushed open the door, walking into the room. He looked from Eddie to Barry, both sitting across from each other and squinted his eyes, his brow furrowing.

"Am I interrupting something?"

"No," Eddie, said, standing up, "Actually, we were just –"

"Wondering if you wanted to get pizza," Barry cut in.

Joe gave him a funny look and then Eddie gave him a pointed look and Barry rubbed his hands together and forced a smile.

"No? Well, I'm starved, and it's my break, so if you don't mind, I'm just going to go down –"

Barry slipped around Joe, nearly racing down the stairs.

ANNOYING LINE BREAK AGAIN YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Barry opened the door.

"Hey, you'll never believe what I just found out today," he said, grinning and about to go into another tangent.

"Barry, is there something you want to tell me?" Iris stood in front of him, her arms crossed. One look at her and the smile fell right off Barry's face. For one, they were supposed to be attending a lecture tonight, something he had dragged her into with the promise of dinner afterwards while Eddie had work, but she wasn't dressed for a lecture. And she did not look happy. And about two seconds later a crumbling feeling filled his gut.

"Um," he said.

She walked by him and into the apartment. She spread her hands out on the table, leaning forward.

"How many?"

"Iris –"

"How many times?"

"Iris, it's not –"

"Did you clean them? All of them?"

"I-"

"Would you like to explain to me what could possibly possess you to do this, again, that you couldn't give me, or my Dad, or anyone a call first? Or at least let us know –"

"Will you stop talking to me like I'm on trial!" Barry burst. He turned around, running a hand through his hair.

"I thought you were done with this."

"I am. I screwed up."

"Did you do it more than once?"

Barry didn't answer.

"Then it's more than screwing up."

"I wasn't thinking."

"You're always thinking, Barry."

"I wasn't thinking well." Barry looked at the table. He couldn't look at her, not while she was this angry, this angry for something he had done that he shouldn't have. It was always Joe that yelled; Iris was always the one that helped him clean up the mess and talked with him afterwards.

"Damn right."

"Look, I get it, I screwed up, OK?" Barry said, throwing up his hands. "I'm a self-destructive loser who can't get through a freaking blood test without wanting to scream like a two year old – and now I want to rip my arms to shit, and you know what? It's all my fault, Iris. It's all my fault because I should have known better, and I did it anyway!"

Barry was out of breath, his chest heaving and his face flushed. Iris stared across at him. Her shoulders slumped.

"You know," she said in a much quieter voice, "I was never really good at the whole angry thing."

Barry let out a long breath. "It's OK," he said after a moment, "I was never really good at the whole listening thing."

"You want to tell me what happened?"

"Not really."

"You want to tell me why you're upset?"

"It was, ah, the dentist. Kind of."

She sighed. "It's just a cavity, Barry."

"I know."

They moved to the couch and sat down. Barry looked up at her hesitantly.

"You're not going to tell Joe, are you?"

"Oh, he already knows," Iris said, "Pencil sharpener, in the trash can, you know, disassembled and all. You may have wanted to at least throw some paper on top of it or something."

Barry wiped a hand over his face. "That was Eddie. Who apparently," he added, "can't keep a secret."

Iris gave him a look. "You really thought he was just going to sit there and not say anything to me?"

"Well, I was hoping."

Iris laughed, but then her eyes got serious again.

"Barry," she said, "I promise, I won't go all parent on you again, but I want you to be honest." She paused. "Are you going to do it again?"

Barry's mouth went dry. "No."

"Because," she said, "You didn't call me, afterwards. And the only times you ever didn't talk to me afterwards," she took in a breath, "was when you were going to cut again."

Barry fiddled with his fingers. "It was just so long this time –"

"I know," Iris said, "And you need to do that again."

"I know," Barry said, looking at the coffee table.

"Barry," Iris said.

Barry fumbled with his hands some more. He could feel her eyes on him, calm and steady.

"I know I should," he said, "I know every single reason why I should – it's just… I… don't… want to." He closed his eyes.

"I know," she said, "But you have to stop. Last time, right, Barry?"

"Last time," he said, but his chest tightened.

"You call me," she said, "If you're going to cut – no matter what time."

He nodded, and she hugged him.

"It's going to be alright," she said.

Barry just nodded, but his skin was already crawling again.

Review and let me know what you think! More soon – probably something with Caitlin and Barry plus the dentist trip. Upcoming mental breakdown followed by comfort. Will post soon!