TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of past self harm

'Barry stared at Iris, pleading.

"No." She didn't even turn her head.

"I didn't even say anything!"

"You're looking at me."

"Oh, so now –"

"You know what I mean. Now stop it. You're going to the dentist."

Barry slumped down in the seat of the car, decidedly frowning. He stared out the window instead, willing someone to rear end them and cause them to be late. He stared at the traffic light ahead of them. Maybe if he concentrated really hard it would turn red.

"It's going to be fine, Barry," Iris said.

Barry didn't respond, just slumped lower and crossed his arms across his chest as the light stayed green.

"It'll hurt," he mumbled.

"It'll only hurt when they give you the Novocain," Iris said, "Then you won't feel anything."

That's what you think, Barry thought. He pulled his arms in tighter.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" Iris asked, flashing a glimpse at him. He didn't look particularly good, even for a dentist day.

Barry shrugged. He might have spent most of the night looking up accounts of dental procedures done without anesthetics…

"Well, you can sleep once it's done."

If he wasn't in a cacophony of pain by that time.

Iris gave him a light shove, "Come on, Barry, cheer up."

Barry glowered more.

"Alright, have it your way," Iris said, "You want to tell me what you're so worried about?"

"You know."

"But sometimes it helps to actually talk about it, instead of, oh, I don't know brooding about it in the corner of the car."

Barry shot her a glare. He could pull off a pretty menacing face when he really wanted to.

"I don't want to talk about it." I can't talk about it. "I want to go home." Not where they'll drill into my skull. "It's just a stupid tooth ache." And Caitlin so could have just pulled the damn thing out.

"And it'll just be a stupid filling," Iris said soothingly.

Barry went back to brooding.

When they arrived Iris got out of the car and Barry considered refusing to leave it. He played with the window, moving it up and down and up and down, until Iris stood right at it, staring at him.

He had to force himself out of the vehicle, his feet shuffling impossibly slowly. At that moment he'd do anything to be able to slow down time instead of race through it.

Barry walked up to the receptionist in the waiting room. He thought about giving a fake name, opened up his mouth with half the resolve to do it, when Iris interrupted from behind him.

"Barry Allen."

Barry shut his mouth. The nurse checked him off and told him it would be just a few minutes.

They sat down, side by side, in a couple of chairs. Barry couldn't stop tapping his foot. The panic was starting to set in. He looked nervously at the clock, then around the room. Just the smell of the place made him feel sick.

Iris put her hand over his, rubbing circles with her thumb, not saying anything.

Barry looked over at her. Iris nearly broke when she saw his face, how scared he was.

"You'll still come in with me right?" he asked, "I know I'm too old and it's an actual procedure this time, but –"

"Of course, Barry," she said, "Just relax."

He shuddered. Relax. If only.

When they called his name a spike of panic shot up his spine and he actually turned to go back out the door. He didn't think it would affect him this much, but all the old fears came flooding back and then he was done, just done, he had to leave.

But Iris quickly grabbed his arm and spun him around, walking him to the door and through and into the hallway. Barry walked numbly, his stomach clenching, almost pulling away from Iris but not quite, just offering a slight resistance that he couldn't push down. When they told him to sit in the chair he almost threw up.

"Alright, Barry," the dentist said to him, reading over his folder, "Just a cavity today – nothing to worry about. However, because of your medical condition, we're going to have a specialized doctor administer the anesthetic."

Barry looked up to see Caitlin walking in, her hair tied up and in a white lab coat, carrying a tray of materials. She smiled at him, putting it down on a counter.

So this was what she had meant.

Had she actually tampered with his medical files to get this done? Then again she was his doctor while he was in a coma, maybe she wrote the medical files.

Barry felt just a fraction better with Caitlin there, knowing at least that she would know all about his cell regeneration and how he burned through medications. Iris was sitting next to him and the dentist started leaning him back, causing Barry to jump.

"Easy there," the dentist said, "Just bringing you back so I can take a look."

Barry tried to focus on taking deep breaths as the chair went on, but when the dentist asked him to open his mouth, his jaw clenched of its own accord.

Iris reached over and had her hand on his arm. "Relax," she said.

Barry opened his mouth, slowly. The dentist prodded and poked at his teeth for a few seconds, then got something and swabbed it on the inside of his mouth. Barry recognized the taste as a topical anesthetic. The numbness that it caused lasted about half a second.

"Alright, now I'm going to let your doctor take care of the anesthetic, but you should be all numbed up on the surface there."

Barry knew the guy was trying to make him feel better but the sudden realization that Caitlin was going to stab him in the mouth with a needle made him clamp his teeth shut again, his fingers gripping the sides of the chair painfully. His breaths started coming in heaves.

"Barry," Caitlin said above him. She had the needle hidden and he leaned his head up until he caught a glimpse of it, then shuddered. "Barry, I need you to open your mouth for me."

Barry shook his head. His fingers tightened on the chair. He had to get out of there.

"Barry," Iris said, one hand entwining with his and the other on his arm, "Do what Caitlin says, it's OK. I'm right here."

Barry gripped back tightly, fighting the tears that once again were coming to the surface with his labored breathing. The dentist was saying something about laughing gas to calm him down but Caitlin shook her head, her attention on Barry.

"It's alright Barry, one pinch then you won't feel a thing, I promise. I'm going to stay the whole time."

It felt like he was stuck by a live wire. He needed to get up off that chair, needed to move and needed to get very, very far away from there.

He shook his head, hyperventilating.

"Come on, Barry, just open your mouth. Then it'll be done," Caitlin said.

Barry's teeth wouldn't unlatch. They were frozen in place. His whole body was rigid.

Iris ran her hand through his hair, gently pushing his head down, against the chair. "You've done it before, Barry, you can do it again."

Barry kept glancing down, getting glimpses of the needle. Caitlin finally caught him. She put her hand where Iris's had just been, and then smoothed it over Barry's eyes.

"Shhh," she said. She tapped his jaw and he slowly parted his lips enough to show a sliver of teeth.

"That's it," she said gently. He shuddered as he slowly opened his mouth, Caitlin ushering him along. She exchanged a look with Iris and moved her hand away just as Iris moved to block the space instead. Caitlin kept one gloved finger on the edge of Barry's mouth, keeping him from impulsively closing it, and picked up the shot.

Barry was still trembling, Iris whispering soothing words next to him.

"Take a nice, slow, deep breath for me, Barry," Caitlin said, "I'm going to count to three, OK, Barry? One… two… three." She injected the anesthetic into his gums. Barry let out a short cry then the trembling started up again, his whole body shaking but Caitlin already had the shot out of his mouth and was telling him how it was done. It hurt. Barry had clamped his teeth together now while Caitlin gestured to the dentist.

"Breathe, the hard parts done," Caitlin said, "But you have to let the dentist work, OK, Barry? The anesthetic won't last forever."

Barry opened his mouth then, because he remembered how quickly it wore off, if it was the same one they'd used before. The dentist started working right away.

Barry kept his eyes squeezed shut, his grip painfully tight on Iris's hand and his body rigid.

"If at any time you start feeling pain," Caitlin said, "Just raise your arm."

"I'll stop right away," the dentist said.

The minutes dragged on and felt like an eternity for Barry. He didn't feel pain, but he could still feel the pressure of the drill on his tooth, and every once in a while they scraped his gums. It didn't exactly hurt, but it made him jump.

Barry didn't know how much longer it was when he felt the first twinge of pain. He told himself he was imagining it. Then there was a definitely not imagined twinge of pain.

He froze though. He didn't want another shot. He screwed his eyes shut tighter and worked to suppress any noises of pain.

He didn't last long before Caitlin noticed his half-suppressed winces.

"Wait," she said to the dentist. He stopped immediately, and Caitlin leaned closer to Barry.

"Barry, are you in any pain?"

Barry shook his head, but he wouldn't open his eyes, and he was so damn thankful those instruments were out of his mouth.

He guessed Caitlin accepted the answer because he felt the metal in his mouth again, followed by a stab of pain, but then there was quickly a burning numbness.

He opened his eyes to Caitlin pulling back the shot and discarding it. He lifted a hand to his mouth.

"It's OK," Caitlin said, "That should get you through the rest of it."

Barry had his head back down and his mouth open before he could really register that she had tricked him, but god did it feel good not to have his mouth in pain anymore.

When they the dentist finally finished, and started to move the chair back up to a sitting position, a wash of dizziness came over Barry. His vision deteriorated to black dots and he had to lean back against the chair to stop from swaying. It was a couple minutes before he could walk out.

The ride back to his apartment was much quieter than the one from it. Barry didn't say one word. His whole body felt numb, his mind blank. He just stared ahead of him.

Iris glanced at him worriedly every once in a while. She walked with him back to his apartment, and then inside. Barry sat down on the couch. He still didn't say anything.

"Hey," Iris said softly from her seat next to him. She rubbed his knee gently, "What's going on?"

Barry shrugged. He didn't feel anything.

"You OK?"

He slowly shook his head no.

He started shivering then. It was strange, because he didn't feel cold, and it wasn't the anxiety – he didn't feel any anxiety right then – he just started shivering. And then a minute later in hit him, and he was suddenly freezing, teeth chattering, shivering freezing.

Iris got him a blanket and wrapped him with it until he looked like a giant marshmallow. He was still cold so she made him some tea. When that didn't work she rummaged around the entire apartment until she found a heating pad, and placed it against his back.

And that's about when it came crumbling down. Whatever part of Barry's mind had been shielding him from the full brunt of his anxiety had apparently decided it was fine now, and suddenly the whole thing came sweeping back, and Barry couldn't think straight, couldn't shake the feeling of being trapped on that dentist chair with a needle in his mouth – the sounds of the drill the sharp pricks of pain, the feeling of absolute helplessness. He started shaking but he wasn't cold anymore. He pulled the blankets in tighter anyway.

Eventually the shaking stopped, but his head was still spinning.

He couldn't really explain it, and it took him a little while to recognize the feeling for what it was. He just wanted to lock the door and hide in his apartment for the rest of his life – just go to sleep where he could escape. Even the idea of Iris being there wasn't comforting. He needed to be alone, alone so no one could hurt him. He knew Iris was there to help, but somehow she was the one that had made him go, and so she had hurt him, and he just wanted to be alone so nothing like that would ever happen again.

It started to itch under his skin and there was a crawling feeling in his blood. He felt like a little kid, unable to make any decisions for himself. His head felt like it was going to explode, and that feeling of helplessness, of lying on the dentist chair, unable to get away, overwhelmed him. He needed it to stop.

"Barry?" Iris said when he stood up.

"Bathroom," he said, but Iris got up with him.

"Barry," she said. Her tone had changed. "You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"

Barry hesitated, and there went his shot. She had her hand on his shoulder and then he was shaking, sitting on the couch again.

"Iris –"

"It's OK," she said, rubbing his back, "Talk to me."

"I have to – I need to –"

"No you don't."

"Iris, I can't!"

"Yes you can. Breathe. Talk to me."

"I need to cut."

"No you don't."

"I need… I need the control."

"You've got control right here."

"No I don't," he burst, "I couldn't move and I couldn't leave and I need… I need it to stop I need to cut right now." The words were bubbling up out of nowhere and it hurt. His skin was practically screaming. He needed to do it now, right now. Not when Iris left, not when he could get away, not tomorrow or next week, right then.

"No you don't," she said, "You can talk your way through this. You don't have to hurt yourself to have control."

"Yes I do," he said, and his voice cracked and he put his elbows on his knees, hanging his head and hiding his face as the tears dripped down his nose. This was the one thing he had, the one thing he could do when everything became too much, when he couldn't run and couldn't leave – and now he couldn't do this either.

"Come on," Iris said, pulling him up with her. They were at the kitchen sink before Barry realized they were walking and Iris was positioning Barry's wrists under a stream of cold water. She grabbed a dish rag, soaked it, wrung it out, and then draped it over his neck. Barry's breathing slowed down as the cold water slowed his blood flow and helped to relax him

Iris was still rubbing his back. "Now tell me," she said, "You need ice?"

Barry nodded.

Iris grabbed a handful and placed it on a paper towel on the counter. Barry picked up three and gripped it in his hand.

It was painfully cold, but that was kind of the point. Barry breathed as his hand started to burn, the skin going red with the cold.

Iris watched the clock. When a minute passed she took the ice from Barry's hand, forcing him to let go.

Barry wasn't crying anymore, and it had definitely helped, but there was still a nagging itch under his skin. Oh, God did he want to cut. He was no longer panicking, but the urge was only stronger, a burning that spread across his arms and down his legs.

"I need another minute," Barry said, not meeting Iris's gaze.

She handed him the ice, this time in his other hand.

It wasn't helping anymore. When Barry put the ice down he still wanted to cut just as much as he had before. He shook again, bracing his hands against the countertop and breathing steady, even breaths.

He shook his head. He felt like he was going to explode. "Please," he said, again, not looking up. He didn't want to see that disappointment that he knew all too well. They were going through the old routine – when the urges got too strong first there was ice – just one minute – then another if he needed it – and then, if he had to, there was the rubber band.

He hated the rubber band. It didn't do nearly enough, not nearly as satisfying as a cut, even if it was a shallow one. And he felt so damn guilty afterwards, especially when Iris was there. Iris was always there when he used it. If he was on his own he'd break and just cut already, so it was either Iris or Joe and he hated going to Joe even more than going to Iris.

She opened up the junk drawer in his kitchen and handed it to him. He didn't waste a second, slipping it over his wrist and then snapping it harshly against the tender skin. The sound of the snap always made him wince with a half glace at Iris, but she never flinched, just watched him do it.

He bit his lip. A red welt started forming on his skin. It was gone in another second. His speed healing. He really hated that at the moment. He sucked in a breath and snapped it again. It wasn't enough. He turned away from Iris, his face red, drawing back the rubber band as far as it would go.

Snap.

He cringed. It was so loud.

He was breathing raggedly again. He wanted to take the thing and with his super speed snap it again and again and again until his wrist was puffed up and red speed healing be damned, but he couldn't even bring himself to snap the thing quickly, not with Iris right next to him. Every snap made him feel guilty and embarrassed but he couldn't stop. He just wanted to cut.

He spun around, his jaw strung tight. "I can't do this, Iris," he said.

She took the rubber band from him but spun him around again, forced his wrists under the water.

"Yes you can."

He almost forgot that part of the routine. He'd break down, plead to Iris, and she would have him start the cycle all over again. More water over his wrists. Then the ice. One minute. Two minutes. Then the rubber band. Over and over again, until the urge had passed and he had calmed down enough to go sit down or eat something or watch a movie. But Barry was shaking his head. He had to cut.

"I'll only do one," he said.

Iris handed him some ice.

"Just one."

She curled his fingers over the handful.

"Please, Iris."

But this was part of the routine too. He started making deals. Just one cut, that's all. Or he wouldn't cut for two weeks if he could just make one now. Then he started getting desperate. He'd never cut again if he could just cut this once. He couldn't keep the promises but he'd say anything to get Iris to give in, to give him the OK, just this once.

She never did. And as much as he wanted to, Barry couldn't bring himself to run front her, to go and lock the door and do it anyway. When they were younger and Barry had just started she was still taller than him and had caught him once or twice when he tried. He remembered them well. He didn't run often, not to cut. He could get away with it now, even without his powers, but he wouldn't. Not yet at least.

So he took the ice and he held it. Then held it some more. Then he was back to the rubber band. And he kept going, because that was the routine.

So I didn't accomplish as much as i wanted to but i guess that'll just be a separate chapter because this one ended up really long! As always, review please! (It might just get you updates faster :)