TRIGGER WARNING: non-graphic self-harm

So far, Barry had been very successful in avoiding Joe. He came in late and left late and hid in his lab doing reports. When he had to go out into the field he stayed as far away from him as possible, sticking near the captain so he couldn't bring anything up. He was also avoiding Eddie, but to a lesser extent. He was picking the lesser of two evils with Eddie.

But he couldn't avoid Joe forever. Didn't mean he couldn't try. It was the day after the dentist trip that Joe finally came upstairs and trapped him in his lab.

He had his arms crossed. Barry typed on a computer.

"Yeah?" he asked.

Joe came to lean up against the desk in front of him. He stared down at Barry.

"You do it again?"

Barry looked up, then looked down. He kept typing. "No."

"Are you lying?"

"No."

Joe nodded. Barry was telling the truth. Barry wanted to. He still wanted to, but Iris had stayed with him practically until midnight and then called him first thing in the morning and well, she was being so nice, so supportive just like she had always been, and it made him feel sick to his stomach how much he wanted to go behind her back and do it again anyway.

So he hadn't. It was gnawing at his insides like some kind of animal but he hadn't.

"I'm proud of you, Barry."

Barry looked up again, made eye contact for a second, and then went back to typing.

"You should have told me yourself though."

Barry kept typing.

"You can't isolate yourself."

Typing.

"And you can't keep doing it."

Barry finally stopped, leaning against one hand and running the other through his hair, head down.

"I know, Joe."

"Do you?"

Barry got up, grabbing a stack of papers. "I don't want to talk about it," Barry said, "I already got the parental scream fest with Iris, OK?"

Joe paused. "Barry, I'm not mad at you."

"Ahuh." Barry rifled through more papers.

"I care about you."

"I know."

"And this is important."

"I know. I just, I don't want to talk about it."

"You need to talk about it."

Barry let out a long sigh. "If this is another attempt to get me to see a psychiatris-"

"You know, we do have one for the police specifically – I know what you're doing right now can –"

"It's not being the Flash," Barry said, throwing a folder down. "It's all the damn medical stuff." He kicked a box out of his way.

"It comes with the territory, kid."

"I know," Barry groaned, "I'm just having some trouble dealing with it right now."

Joe wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "I know, Barry. Just remember, you've got a lot of people who care about you."

"Did you read that line out of a parenting book?" Barry smiled.

"Hey, I'm trying to be supportive here," Joe said, laughing.

"Thanks, Joe," Barry said.

LINE BREAK THING AGAIN WHOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Barry sat in a chair at Star Labs, facing backwards and leaning his head down on his arms which were propped up by the backrest of the chair. Cisco sat next to him. They both watched intently as Dr. Wells and Caitlin went back and forth about something.

"Do you know what they're talking about?" Barry asked.

"I'm not sure they're even speaking English," Cisco said.

It was something to do with Barry's cellular regeneration in regards to muscle growth but they had gone way past Barry's area of knowledge in the field. They might as well have been speaking gibberish.

"Well," Barry said, "If you guys don't need me for anything, I'm going to head out."

Neither Caitlin nor Wells even looked up as he said it.

"Well, Bye," Cisco said.

Barry laughed. "See ya."

Barry, after running his way downtown, stepped out of an alleyway, going normal speed. He was stopping to get coffee before going back to the office. He stepped into the street, crossing it to Jitters.

Then there was a screech, someone's yell.

The next thing he knew Barry was on the ground.

It was like a kaleidoscope around him, everything coming in fractured bits. There were people around him. He was lying on the ground. His arm was halfway over the sidewalk. He was staring upwards.

Then the noise came. Shouts, lots of them. It hurt his head. That was the only thing that hurt, really. He moved his head. Someone was trying to talk to him but Barry's vision was shooting double, spinning. His face was wet. He looked to his side and vaguely registered that there was blood on the tar, a lot of it. He couldn't feel his left arm at all. That's the one that was twisted over the sidewalk. Everything below his left knee was pins and needles.

And then someone was shouting his name. He looked towards the sound. The person was moving too fast, and then they were right on top of him but it took him a second to recognize the face. It was Iris.

"Barry? Barry, oh my God, Barry, say something."

Barry stared up at her. Say something. He was still trying to process the words when something was pushed against his head.

"Don't move him, his neck could be broken," someone said.

Broken? Barry was struggling to make sense of the words.

"Barry, it's alright, everything's going to be alright."

Barry started to feel cold all over. Someone draped a jacket over him. He tried to move his arm, his right one. His saw his hand move but he didn't feel it. Iris was holding his hand and someone was putting pressure on his head. He was starting to feel his head again. It was starting to hurt a little bit. He wished that fuzzy numbness would come back.

"Iris?" Barry choked out. His tongue seemed slow.

"Yeah, I'm right here, Barry. Stay with me, OK?"

But that was the problem, he was staying with her. Barry shifted a little bit. He still couldn't feel his left arm, and his left leg was still pretty much a mix of numb stinging, but his mind was starting to catch up with the rest of his body.

He was healing, he realized. At first it was a dull ache, and then shooting pains started springing up and down his right leg, along with his back. The throbbing in his head was a constant, and it was only getting worse.

His face screwed up with the pain. He turned, and tried to get a look at his left arm.

"Stay still, Barry, there's an ambulance coming," Iris said, cupping his face in her hand.

Barry got a glimpse of his arm though. What he was made his stomach twist and clench and pins spring through his body. He stilled, and a cold settled over his skin.

"My arm," he said.

"It's OK," Iris said, "You'll be OK."

"I can't feel it."

Iris was wiping away tears, trying to keep her expression calm as Barry stared up at her.

"That's alright, they'll fix you all up," she said.

And that's when "ambulance" finally registered.

"No," he said.

Iris was smoothing down his hair. "Everything will be fine."

"No – no hospital."

"It's OK Barry."

"I can't go," he said, but it was weak. His mind was slippery. He couldn't go to a hospital, but he couldn't exactly remember why. One second it was there – his abilities, then the fear would spike, but it would wash away again as his thoughts slipped, only to go back into the light a moment later. He was mumbling about it.

"Can't go to hospital – can't… sedatives, Caitlin – no hospitals… they said no…" Barry closed his eyes.

"Hey, Barry, stay with me," Iris said, fear carved out with every word.

"Mhh, no hospital," Barry mumbled.

"Barry, hey, come on, open your eyes, Barry, I need you to stay with me."

Barry looked up, but it was so bright. His head started to hurt worse, and then the numbness in his leg started to not be so numb.

He cringed, clenching his teeth. His breathing started coming in shallow, labored breaths.

"Hurts," he got out.

"They're going to be here soon then it won't Barry," she said.

He shook his head. "Sedatives… don't work."

"I'm sure they'll give you something."

"Caitlin."

"I know, Caitlin, your doctor. It's OK, we're going to go to the hospital."

"No," he said, and then he yelled through clenched teeth. He was rapidly becoming more lucid now. And with it the pain was intensifying. "Call… Caitlin."

He started reaching for his phone with his good arm, but Iris stopped him.

"Call," he said. His head was pulsing. He was getting dizzy. Oh, God, this hurt.

"It's OK, Barry."

"Call," he said again, "Anesthetics…"

"I know, Barry, they'll give you –"

"No, call," he said. He blinked as a wave of pain rolled down his back. "Call Joe," he said, suddenly, changing tactics. He closed his eyes. Joe. Joe would know what to do.

Then he passed out.

LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEE BREAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

When he opened his eyes again everything was shaking and he was lying somewhere else. It didn't take him long this time to place it. He was in the ambulance.

He immediately tried to sit up. That was met with a lot of pain, and the paramedics were on him in a second.

"Just lie still sir, we're on our way to the hospital right now. You're friends meeting us there."

But Barry's brain was starting to work again now, and he was shaking his head.

"Not the hospital – you have to take me to Star Labs," he said, reaching for the mask around his face. He tried to pull it off as the paramedics pushed him back down, grabbing his arm so it would stay in place.

"We're already in route sir, they'll be doctors waiting for you."

Barry was shivering, maybe shaking, he couldn't tell. "No, I have to go to Star Labs." Panic was edging up now. Everything around him was moving so fast, the paramedics and the vehicle itself and his eyes were darting around. There was something wrapped to his head and an IV in his arm and monitors and he was trying to sit up again.

"Star Labs isn't a medical facility. We're taking you to the best hospital in –"

"I was in the coma," he said, "I was the guy struck by lightning – they transferred me there – I have to go there."

"We're going to need you to lie down kid," the other paramedic said, gently pushing him back. Barry started to struggle.

"I'm just going to give you a bit more of something to help you calm down," he said.

Barry felt it enter his bloodstream, but it lasted maybe a second before it was gone.

"They don't work on me," Barry nearly screamed, "That's why you have to take me to Star Labs."

"Until a medical professional issues –"

"Just take me to Star Labs, dammnit," Barry yelled.

"Sir –"

Barry was trembling then. His arm was on fire now, his left one. It was healing in the wrong position. Barry's head spun, and then he leaned over and vomited. They'd have to re-break it if it healed wrong. He tore at the IV, trying to get it out. He still couldn't feel his leg though, he realized with a start. Even if he could get up, which was doubtful, he couldn't run.

"Restraints," Barry heard one of the paramedics say.

"No!" he shouted, but it was too late. They had his good arm down and were wrapping the restraint onto it. Barry kicked out, struggling against them.

"Calm down, son, we'll be at the hospital soon."

Barry felt like he was suffocating. He kept pulling with his good arm, fighting the restraint, but he couldn't move. He was crying before he realized he was, and he kept struggling while the paramedics kept giving him more sedative, watching in vain as he kept fighting just as hard. By the time they got there Barry was exhausted, barely moving at all.

LLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNEEEEEE BBBBBBBRRRREEEEEEEAAAAAAKKK

It took Joe about forty five minutes on the phone with various medical and official personnel to finally get clearance for Barry to be transferred, by ambulance, over to Star Labs. In that time Barry came in and out of consciousness twice, passed out from pain and exhaustion. They went to put stitches in on the side of his head, where he had hit the sidewalk, but found that the gash was relatively small, it having healed significantly already. They set his leg, which was broken, but were discussing the possibility of immediate surgery for his arm when Joe finally got clearance.

When Joe arrived at Star Labs Caitlin had Barry on an IV drip, and was pumping as much pain meds into him as she could. The anesthetic wasn't meant for full body use though – just local. It wasn't working as well as would be hoped.

"Arrrghhhh!" Barry screamed, twisting as Caitlin gently touched his arm. Breath rushed into his mouth. Joe could hear him hyperventilating all the way across the room.

"Sorry, sorry," Caitlin said. She made another tiny move and he screamed again.

"Hey, son, how you doing?" Joe said, going right up to Barry.

The look he got back made a knife run through his gut. "Joe – Joe please, make them stop."

Joe tightened his grip on Barry's arm. "It's alright now Barry, they're going to take care of you."

"I want to go home," Barry said. His voice cracked.

"We will, soon, I promise. They've just gotta patch you up first."

Joe stood up and looked to Caitlin and Cisco. "How bad?" he asked, his voice quiet.

"Well, his head's healed fine," Caitlin said, "And they set the bone in his leg, so that's alright, but… well, his arm's already half-healed crooked, and it's dislocated."

"Muscle tears too," Cisco added.

"What does that mean?" Joe asked.

"Means he shouldn't have gotten himself hit by a truck," Cisco mumbled.

"It means," Caitlin said, taking a deep breath, "That I need to manipulate the bone back in place… even if it means I cause some more fractures doing it."

Joe let out a long breath. "That's the best drugs you can give him?"

"It's all we've got," Caitlin said.

"Well," Joe said, "We're going to need to strap him down."

Barry didn't realize what they were doing until he was on the table and Cisco started threading something through a couple of bolts on the sides. That's when he saw Caitlin's face and put the pieces together.

"No," he said. He jumped up immediately, ignoring the pain in his stomach, "no, no, no," he said.

"Barry," Joe said, his hands up, it's alright, you'll start feeling better as soon as we-"

And then to everyone's surprise Barry was upright, dragging his deadweight leg and leaning on desks and countertops, trying to get away.

Joe had him in a bear hug before he could get more than five feet away, holding him tight as Barry screamed and raged. When he was panting again, his body limp, he brought him back to the table. They got his free arm, his torso, and his legs secure.

Barry opened his eyes, staring up at the bright lights. He looked to his side to find Caitlin, gloves on her hands and her fingers above the twisted form of his left arm.

Joe blocked his view in a second, forcing him to look in the other direction.

"Just look at me, Barry," he said.

The pain was startling and all encompassing, ripping through his arm in a serious of explosions. He was out after the second adjustment, a howl dying on his lips. Caitlin finished up and they moved him to a bed, stabilizing his arm to let it heal.

LLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEE

Barry was back to work the next week. He kept a brace on his wrist to keep up appearances, along with a couple of bandages. He didn't talk about it at the lab. He didn't mention anything to Joe. He downright refused to have any conversation whatsoever about it with Iris and at work, well at work he just shrugged off any mention of it at all.

He didn't want to talk about it, he said. He was fine. He didn't want to think about it. It took a few days before it really set in, before the nightmares started, and then the bouts of shaking. After that he just tried to block it from his mind altogether. He didn't cross the road unless he was using his powers and he certainly never turned his back on any side of traffic, even if the light was red.

He lasted a whole week. Then he went back to work, and that's when it all went downhill. He was swamped and he couldn't focus. He wasn't getting any sleep and the coffee he drank just made him jittery. He couldn't focus.

It didn't really matter, they were gone after ten minutes, twenty if he went a little too deep, and it was just so he could get some work done, go out to coffee with Iris, cross a damn street without hyperventilating.

And so what if he drank some Nyquil to sleep, people did it all the time. He was just doing what he had to in order to get by – sucking it up and dealing with it – that's what any mature adult did.

He almost passed out running a test at Star Labs a week and a half after the accident. He had to stop on the treadmill, jumping off and immediately sitting down, his head spinning. His face went grey and Caitlin ran out to meet him.

"Hey, what's going on?" she asked.

"Dizzy," Barry said, gripping his head. It took a few moments to pass.

"You been eating those calorie bars," Cisco asked.

"Yeah, of course," Barry said. Maybe, one the day before, right? Had he eaten one that morning? No, but definitely the day before… Barry couldn't remember.

"You don't look like it," Caitlin said, poking him, "You look skinny – like skinnier than usual."

"What are you talking about?" he said, "I'm fine."

Cisco gave him a calorie bar and he took a bite out of it while he got up. He followed Caitlin to the scale where she pointed.

Barry rolled his eyes and hopped on. The number almost made his jaw drop. He'd lost almost ten pounds.

If Barry was surprised, Caitlin was furious. "Barry!" Caitlin yelled. "This is what happens when you don't eat like you're supposed to!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't even realize," Barry said. He stepped off the scale again.

"I'll grab some more bars," Cisco said, "And this time eat them!" he threw over his shoulder.

Barry nodded. "I thought I was."

He rubbed a hand over his face. He was already exhausted and he had to go to work in –he glanced at his watch – now.

"Anything else?" Barry asked, "I have to go soon."

"Oh, one thing," Caitlin said, running out of the room.

Barry picked up his bag, instantly changing into work clothes. As he did something fell out of the bag.

It was the pencil sharpener. Not the same one as before – that was long gone thanks to Eddie, but a new one he'd bought for fifty cents at a convenience store. He looked around the room once.

Just one, he thought.

Within a second there was a line on his wrist, and that calm washed down his skin, pushing away all his anxieties and stress. It pulled on his mind, tugged and begged for one more. He made another. But then there was two, and really, if he had done two what was one more?

Soon there was ten and Barry was making his way to fifteen, drawing line after line, taking deep, even breaths. That was when Caitlin came back.

"Oh my –"

Barry spun around. The pencil sharpener was gone in his bag in a second, his sleeve rolled down.

They just stood there staring at each other, then Caitlin exploded.

"Barry, what was that – actually, no, I know what that was – did you – actually – just – give me your arm!"

"Caitlin it's totally not what it looks like," he said. The image of Eddie flashed in front of his eyes for a second, the last person he had tried to say that too.

"Yeah, OK, anyway, let me see your arm – did you – no, you need a tetanus shot again – actually – sorry, shots – but I mean you need to clean it, just because you heal doesn't mean bacteria can't get trapped inside – actually it probably means you have a greater chance of it getting infect-"

"No, it's OK, really," he said.

And then Caitlin stepped back, her eyes locked on his. "Have you been doing this the whole time? Have you – oh, you heal fast, this could have serious implications and –"

"It doesn't –"

"It doesn't matter," Caitlin said, "You… you…" Her face broke, her head tilting to the side, "You can't do this to yourself Barry."

Barry opened his mouth, closed it, started hyperventilating, and then, in a moment of panic, he ran. He stopped outside the station and took a moment outside, thinking over what had just happened. He was going to regret just running away again later, but right now he was very content with avoiding his problems and just hoping they went away. He sighed, and stepped out onto the sidewalk.

Review please :) And yes, finally Caitlin and Barry hurt comfort next chapter