TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of drug abuse (very minor)

"Hey, Caitlin."

"Hey, Barry, what's up?"

"I'm, uh, I'm just not doing great."

"Oh – oh, do you just want to talk? Want me to meet you somewhere? Go to your apartment?"

"No I just, I can't sleep. I'm not – I didn't wake you up did I?"

"No, I'm actually still at Star Labs."

"Why are you still there?"

"Just working on stuff."

"Oh."

"Why are you having trouble sleeping?"

"Just, nervous, I guess."

"I've got everything all set up for you tomorrow."

"It's… I mean, everything looks good? There shouldn't be any… problems right?"

"Absolutely not. It's very easy, very simple. Everything's ready. Nothing to worry about."

"OK, good, great, it's just… I'm just…"

"Nervous."

"Yeah."

"That's OK. It's going to be fine."

"It'll just hurt a little, right? Not like… you know, just not…"

"It will only hurt a little. It won't be bad."

"None of it?"

"None of it."

"You're being honest? Like, if there's going to be one part that is going to hurt a lot, I'd rather just know ahead of time, I can deal with it, I just… I just want to know."

"No, honest. I'd tell you, I know what you mean. It won't hurt a lot, Barry, I promise."

"OK, I just…"

"It won't be like after the accident. I've adjusted the anesthetic, and I have a lot more of it ready for use. Actually, I have about twice as much as I'm going to need, just in case. There's no part of this that should hurt much more than a shot would."

"Speaking of that, how many –"

"You shouldn't feel them at all. The IV should keep the pain down enough already that you'll be pretty numb. The shots are just extra. I'll block it off. I can tell you when I do them if you want, but if you don't want me too, then you won't even know when I inject them."

"OK… OK."

"It'll be alright, Barry."

"OK… I'm gonna go now, Caitlin. Thanks."

"No problem. I'll see you tomorrow, Barry."

"Bye."

Barry hung up the phone. He was sitting on his bed, the lamp light on next to him. He sighed, sat there for a moment, the phone between his hands, and finally sighed again. He got up, grabbed his sneakers, a bag, and threw on his jacket.

He knocked at the West household. He heard a shout from inside, and then opened the door.

Joe was at the kitchen table, staring down at case files.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, turning around to face him. He checked the clock. "It's getting late."

"I, umm," he said, "Was wondering if I could just stay here tonight? I'll just – on the couch, if it's OK." Barry pointed.

"Of course, Barry," Joe said, his brow furrowing. "But it won't be that comfortable."

"That's OK," he said, "Is Iris home?"

"She should be soon," Joe said.

"OK," Barry said. He sat down on the couch, grabbing a blanket and dropping his bag. Joe walked over to him.

"You doing alright?"

"I'm fine," Barry said.

"Yeah, 'cause you just drop over to sleep on the couch every night your fine."

"I… I can't sleep," Barry said.

"Ah," Joe said, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Barry said, "It's fine, I just… I'm really tired."

Joe nodded. "Alright, well, you try and get some sleep. I'll wake you up tomorrow if you aren't already. I'm going to go to bed myself, but Barry." Joe looked at him. "You come wake me up if things aren't alright, OK?"

"Yeah, thanks, Joe."

"Don't worry about it," Joe said, heading for the stairs, "Just try and get yourself some sleep."

Barry sighed and moved the pillow over, throwing the blanket over his shoulders. He closed his eyes. It was late.

When Iris got home about forty minutes later she almost jumped, seeing a form on the couch. When she realized it was Barry she relaxed again, tiptoed around the living room, and headed upstairs to her bedroom. She got changed, brushed her teeth, and went to bed.

She woke up about two hours later to the sound of rustling blankets and mumbled cries.

Iris was a light sleeper. She could thank Barry for that. When she was little, and Barry had just moved there, she would sneak over to his bedroom, open the door a crack, confirm that it was him the sounds were coming for, and run and wake up her father to go comfort him. Joe could sleep through anything.

This time though she snuck out of bed and slipped down the stairs herself. She walked over to the couch where Barry was, mumbling and turning in his sleep again. The nightmares had mostly stopped about a year after the incident, but Barry would get them sporadically even years later, and lots of times before or after doctor's visits. Iris should have remembered.

She shook his arm gently.

"Barry… Barry, wake up."

He suddenly went rigid, his whole body still. Then his eyes snapped open. He stared at the ceiling, then his eyes jerked to Iris, his breathing heavy and sweat dripping down his forehead.

"Hey," Iris said softly, "It's OK. You were asleep."

Barry frowned, shifted, and sat up. He ran a hand over his face, then wiped the back of his wrist across his forehead.

"Nightmare," he said.

"Yeah," Iris said, "You OK?"

Barry nodded. His eyes looked hazy and he was lost in thought.

"Hey," Iris said.

Barry's eyes snapped back up. He looked over at the clock. It was two in the morning.

"Do you remember," he asked slowly, "The time I hid in the attic so I wouldn't have to go for my physical?"

Iris laughed. "Of course I do. We couldn't find you for hours – you almost gave my dad a heart attack."

Barry smiled. "I really want to go hide in the attic again."

Iris leaned her head against his shoulder. "No you don't," she said, "Too many spiders."

"I think I'll take the spiders."

"Cobwebs, dust – plus I'm pretty sure this time of year you'd freeze up there."

"Probably."

There was a long pause. Barry was pretty sure he wasn't going to be getting anymore sleep that night, no matter how tired he was. His nerves were running wild. It wasn't the panic-stricken fear right now, just an all over jittery, achy nervousness.

"Do you have any Nyquil?" Barry asked.

"Are you sick?" Iris asked. She put her hand against his forehead.

Barry ducked away from her. "No."

She backed up, looking at him. "Have you been taking Nyquil to sleep?"

"A little bit."

"That's a bad idea," she said, pointing at him, "And you know it."

He shrugged. "I can't sleep."

"Talk to Caitlin. Maybe she can prescribe you sleep aids or something."

Except nothing works on me.

"Fine," he said.

"It'll be OK, Barry," Iris said.

Why did everyone keep telling him that?

She got up off the couch. "Why don't you lay back down and try and get some more sleep," she said, "I'm going to go back upstairs." She paused for a second though. "Unless you need to talk more."

Barry forced himself to smile. "No, I'm exhausted. Good night."

She smiled at him. "Good night, Barry."

LLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Barry ended up turning on the TV after about a half hour of trying to fall asleep in vain. He wasn't sure what time he finally dozed off but he woke up the next morning to Joe coming down the stairs. Iris was already gone to work.

"You ready to go, Barry?"

Barry blinked, yawned, and then that dread in the pit of his stomach hit him. He wondered if it was too late to find a nice chair in the attic.

"Yeah," he said.

He could have gotten ready quickly, using his speed, but he didn't. He dragged out every minute of it until Joe was waiting at the door for him.

When they arrived at Star Labs, Barry tried to keep his mind blank. Don't think about it and you can't let the panic set in. Just ignore it. Ignore everything. Totally, absolutely blank. Numb.

That worked up about until they entered the room with all the medical equipment set up.

Barry swallowed hard. Wells wasn't there but Cisco was tinkering with a pole set up, much like the shower curtain contraption they had used when Iris was there, except this one looked a lot more refined. Caitlin was setting out supplies. Barry tried not to look but he found himself doing it anyway, identifying the syringes, the scalpels, the tools and the vials all labeled. He felt his heartrate kick up.

Joe put a hand on his shoulder and steered him over to where Cisco was, with the poles and the plastic curtain and the bed. Barry did not sit down.

"OK," Caitlin said, smiling and walking over to them. "Everything's all set."

"Ready, kid?" Joe asked.

Barry forced himself to sit down. His throat was tightening up. He pulled his shirt off so they would be able to get at his shoulder, and then he leaned back.

Caitlin took his hand gently, and Cisco wheeled over a tray, along with the IV. Joe put his hand on his shoulder again.

"Breathe, Barry," he said.

Barry shook his head.

The second the needle touched his skin he jerked back, his hand ripping from Caitlin's. He shuddered.

"One minute," he said, trying to catch his breath. He closed his eyes. Oh, God, he did not want to be here. He did not, did not, want to be here. He just wanted to go home.

"Can you try again, Barry?" Caitlin asked gently.

Barry shook his head, his eyes still closed. "I'm just going to take your hand," she said carefully. She reached over and Barry felt her fingers on his skin. His breathing kicked up.

"That's it," she said, "It's alright."

Barry started shaking.

"We're going to try again now, Barry," Caitlin said, "Just one pinch."

And before Barry could pull back again she had the needle in his hand and was attaching the IV and Barry was sputtering, leaning back against the bed and shuddering.

"It's OK," Caitlin said, "All done."

"Doing great, Barry," Joe said.

"I'm going to just section off your arm, alright, Barry?" Cisco said.

Barry felt the plastic curtain over his arm and turned his head. They were taping it in place so he wouldn't see what they were doing. He felt someone touch his arm and he jumped.

"Easy," Cisco said, holding up his hands, "Not doing anything yet. Just getting stuff in place."

"I'm going to start getting the pain medication into your bloodstream," Caitlin said, "And I'm going to add in that sedative too."

At first, Barry didn't feel anything, but then his hands and feet started to go kind of numb, a tingly numb like pins and needles. He still didn't feel relaxed, he was still terrified, but he had stopped shaking and his breathing was evening out.

"How do you feel?" Caitlin asked.

Barry shrugged. He felt fingers on his arm again and moved away.

"Barry," Caitlin said, very, very gently, "we need to strap down your arm to stabilize it, like we talked about, remember?"

Barry shook his head. "Can't – can't I try it without that first. I won't move – I"

"Your body will move on its own once we start working."

Cisco started to position his arm and Barry started shaking again. He felt something clamp down around his wrist, then under his armpit around his shoulder, and one more at his elbow. He tugged at it, found he couldn't move at all, and jerked his head around to Joe, almost screaming.

"It's OK," Joe said, kneeling down so they were at eye level. "Look at me, Barry. It's OK."

Barry leaned his head against the back of the bed. He shut his eyes, breathing through his teeth.

"Barry," Caitlin said, "We can take a break now if you want."

Barry nodded quickly, the relief immense.

"When we start again," she said, "Do you want me to tell you before I give you the shots? You shouldn't feel them at all – maybe a tiny prick but that's it."

Barry hesitated.

"Why don't you just relax, and let her do what she needs to, Barry?" Joe said slowly.

"OK," Barry said. He wasn't sure if he liked the idea or not.

After a minute or two Caitlin went around to his arm. Barry had calmed down a little bit now. He was scared, but he didn't feel like he was drowning anymore.

I'm fine, he thought, I can do this.

"I'm going to start now, OK, Barry?"

Barry nodded, taking in a deep breath.

"Did you feel that?" Caitlin asked.

"No," Barry said. A moment later a numbing sensation ran over his arm.

She's injecting me, he thought. He tried to just block the thoughts out. He couldn't feel it, couldn't see it, it was like it wasn't even happening.

He felt a slight prick, and then another burst of numbness. It happened again, but this time he couldn't really tell if he actually felt something or if he was imagining it.

"OK," Caitlin said, "The shots are done, I might need to do more later, but right now they're done. I'm going to start."

Barry took in another deep breath, trying to brace himself.

"You're going to feel this, Barry," she said, "It might only feel like a little tug, or it might hurt a bit. If anything hurts too much, let me know – I'll give you another shot of the anesthetic."

Barry nodded.

He felt a sharp pain across his shoulder, but it was odd, a sort of prickling sensation that wasn't pleasant but wasn't terrible either. He squeezed down on Joe's hand and set his teeth in his mouth, clenching down.

"Steady," Joe said.

Barry hated the feeling of not being able to move his arm. A burning sensation set in across his shoulder which he ignored.

This isn't bad, he told himself, it barely even hurts. He got hurt way worse than this all the time. He was fine.

He clenched his hand, the one they were working on, to a fist.

"Easy, Barry," Caitlin said, "Relax your arm – you're tightening up."

Barry let out a long breath and had to force his fingers to unclench.

"That's it."

He kept feeling little pricks and burns in his shoulder and arm. It caught him off guard a couple of times and he sucked in a breath or said a quick "ow" but it wasn't bad. It was more from surprise and anxiety then from pain.

"OK, Barry, I have to put in a little – it's just a piece of metal, to keep the area where I'm working open. It's going to be uncomfortable. You're healing even while I'm working, and I can't have the – the area closing up."

"OK," Barry said with a shaky breath."

Barry felt pressure on his arm, then a dull pain, and then a sharper pain.

"Ow," he said, jerking his arm.

"Easy," Joe said. Barry broke out into shudders.

"It's OK," Caitlin said, "I'm just getting it in place. I'm going to get you another couple doses of anesthetic once I'm done."

Caitlin was right, it was uncomfortable. Barry could feel it digging in against his skin and at the incision Caitlin had made. It was painful. He didn't feel the shots, but he knew she had administered them because the pain subsided. He could just imagine his body trying to heal around that metal, inching up against it.

He suddenly felt very much like he was going to throw up.

"Hey, steady there kid, you're getting pale. It's alright. You're fine," Joe said.

"Everything is still going to plan," Caitlin said, "We had this ready."

"Is it – is it healing?" Barry asked.

"Is it – no, no Barry, it's OK."

"I made it specially for you," Cisco said, "That's why it's uncomfortable. It's cold – just enough to freeze your cells enough that it'll slow down your healing process."

"It's freezing my cells?"

"Not like the cold gun," Cisco said quickly, "This is a lot warmer than that."

"And much more controlled," Caitlin said, "It's entirely safe."

Barry nodded.

"I just gave you some more anesthetic, but this is the hardest part. You might feel it a bit. Just a prick though."

It was a little more than a prick. It felt kind of like a bad shot, the kind that leaves a bruise for weeks afterwards. Barry grimaced and flinched away. A pressure lifted from his arm afterwards though.

"Almost done," Caitlin said.

Barry didn't feel much after that, just a few little dots of pain. When they took out the device it hurt a bit, but not bad.

"It's all done," Caitlin said, "We just need to make sure everything is cleaned out, and that it heals properly.

So Barry had to stay and lie on the bed for another half hour while the wound closed up enough that they could put a bandage over it.

"Everything looks good," Caitlin said, smiling as Cisco got rid of the divider that was up over his arm. Barry looked over at the bandage wrapped around his shoulder. It felt so good to get his arm out of those restraints. It was a little sore, but besides that it already felt better. "Want me to get that IV out for you?"

Barry looked away while Caitlin got the needle out. The feeling made his skin crawl but he wanted it out bad enough that he was willing to put up with the feeling. Cisco brought him some orange juice. Barry was thankful. He was already starting to get a headache from the stress.

"How are you feeling?" Caitlin asked.

"Tired," Barry said. Actually, he just wanted to sleep for a year.

"I want you to stay so we can test your range of motion afterwards," Caitlin said, "But you can sleep for a few hours first.

Barry nodded.

"I've got to get down to the station, Barry," Joe said, "But give me a call when you're all set, alright."

"OK, bye," Barry said.

Joe waved and left. "Get some rest. You did great."

Barry got up off the hospital bed.

"Is there somewhere else I can lie down?" he asked. He really didn't think he'd be able to sleep in that bed.

"Yeah, of course," Caitlin said. She led him back to another room, with another bed, this one more like a cot but less like a hospital bed. "I'll come get you in a couple hours."

"OK, thanks," Barry said. He sat down, but Caitlin paused at the door.

"You OK, Barry?" she asked.

He paused. "Yeah," he said, "I'm a little, rattled still, I guess, but… yeah."

"Good," she said, smiling. "Get some sleep." And she closed the door.

So, let me know what you're thinking :) More soon.