A/N: Angst Alert for this chapter. Really sorry about the wait.
Chapter Twelve. Angst alert.
Sam knelt on the bed, gripping the railing of the headboard. She was panting, trying to steady her breathing as the pain tore through her. Her hands were white with the strength of her grip and sweat dripped off her forehead.
She closed her eyes as she felt someone wipe the sweat off her brow with a wet, cool cloth.
"You sure you don't want the bean-bag back Sam?" It was Janet.
"No!" Sam growled, a little more harshly than she meant to.
Sam had made short work of the stupid bean bag, throwing it forcefully to the floor in disgust two minutes after she first tried to use it. Now she felt the only comfortable, relatively speaking of course, position she could find during the contractions was bent heavily forward on her knees. In between she would lie on one of her sides, exhausted.
The problem now was there didn't seem to be anymore in between.
"Janet," She ground out, "Why aren't they stopping?"
"You're in Transition Sam. That means that you're close to the end. The contractions will start to let up a little soon and you'll feel like pushing." Sam groaned again. "I know it's bad right now honey, but hang in there, it's not far away now."
That's what you've been saying for the last five hours, Sam thought, but didn't say anything, the pain was too much to be able to think clearly.
She felt the mattress dip behind her and opened her eyes, turning her head slightly to see who it was.
Jack O'Neill knelt on the bed behind her.
Sam just watched him, the pain making her too weak to protest or argue.
He took the cloth from Janet and mopped at Sam's hot face, bringing the cool cloth around to her neck and shoulders. Sam rested her head on her arm again, trying to concentrate on what he was doing - the trail of cool water left in the wake of the cloth - in an effort to distract herself from the pain.
He placed the cloth on the small table by the bed and returned his hands to her. Running them in a firm but gentle massage all the way down her back, kneading at the base of her spine, before running them around the front of her body, gently stroking her belly.
His hands felt warm on her. Wherever he touched the pain seemed to somehow ease in that spot and he kept repeating the motions over and over.
Jack had learned that this helped in the informal prenatal classes Janet had given them. In fact he'd learned a few things and was determined that even though this Sam wasn't really his wife, she was still Sam and was giving birth to his child and he was going to help her through it as much as he could. So far she had been allowing him the physical contact.
Finally after what seemed like an eternity, the pain diminished.
Climbing off the bed, Jack helped Sam sink down on her side. He fought to swallow the lump in his throat as he listened to the quiet whimpers involuntarily escaping her as she lay curled up on her side, trying to recover from the agony she was experiencing.
He wiped at her face, neck and shoulders with the cool cloth again. Sam could vaguely feel the freshness of it on her sweat soaked skin, but she was too physically and mentally drained to concentrate on anything but breathing. The pain seemed endless. Even in these short breaks, the pain was still there, it was just that compared to the pain of a full blown contraction, this background pain was nothing. She was vaguely aware of the sound she was making, but was unable to stop it. She felt a hand grasp one of hers. She opened her eyes and looked into Daniel's hovering just below her as he squatted by the bed. She squeezed his hand in reassurance, unable to draw enough energy to speak. All the while Jack kept up the light cooling caresses.
Suddenly she tensed again. She released a low groan as she raised her self to her knees, leaning over on the bed with her elbows supporting her weight. She had little energy left but to stay on her side would have been worse.
This time though something was different. Janet had warned her.
"Janet! Ugh, I think this is it." She groaned as she felt an urge to push.
"You're close Sam, but you need to hold off for a little while longer." Janet said coming to her side.
"What!" Sam said incredulously coupled with another moan.
"I know you feel like you need to push, but it's not time yet, you're not ready to deliver yet honey, you need to breathe through the urge for a little while longer."
"Janet, I can't." Her voice was strangled.
And then he was with her again.
Jack moved around the bed and grasping Sam's arms firmly he raised her enough that he could slip in front of her and hold her the same way he did in the corridor earlier.
Moving his hands to cup her face he made her look at him, her blue eyes dim from the pain.
"Yes you can. Sam you can do this, you can do anything." Jack said, his voice soft and gravelly. She shook her head slightly between his palms. "You are the strongest, bravest person I've ever known Sam, believe me. You can do this." He continued to gaze intently into her eyes, trying to make her believe in herself as much as he believed in her until she gave him a small nod. He drew her closer. She didn't resist, resting her head on his shoulder as his long fingers worked their magic on her back again.
She clung to his thighs tightly and struggled to slow her breathing. Jack breathed with her, drawing in deep breaths and letting them out slowly. She listened to the rhythm and followed, feeling the calm rise and fall of his chest as his lungs slowly expanded and contracted.
They stayed like this together. Breathing together through each contraction. Jack holding her firmly when the urge to push was greater and she squirmed; then running his hands lightly over her back in soothing motions whenever the pain would ease off.
Sam turned her face into Jack's neck after a particularly bad contraction. She felt his warm skin on her lips. Felt the gentle beat of his pulse. She drew in a deep breath through her nose. He smelled…divine, all Jack O'Neill. A masculine scent but one that was purely him. She would know it anywhere and it was powerful and intoxicating and soothing at the same time. Sam's eyes fluttered open and she was greeted with the sight of Jack's neck. The tendons rippling as his arms moved.
And abruptly reality hit her like a baseball bat to the head.
His arms had always held a comfort and safety she never felt anywhere else, and even though the pain was excruciating, she felt better when he touched her, held her. Which is precisely why she couldn't allow it. It was too much. The feel of him, his loving and concerned eyes gazing at her.
She couldn't do it. He wasn't hers and neither was the baby she was currently giving birth too. She hadn't even got to do all the fun stuff that would undoubtedly make up for the agony she was suffering now. None of it was hers. His loving eyes weren't meant for her, they were meant for the other her. Jack didn't want this baby with her, he wanted it with the other her. She felt like screaming. The pain of the contractions a counterpoint to the pain in her heart.
She could feel her chest splintering into a million pieces and she wanted to scream.
Where was the justice? She had been in love with him for so many years. For so many years she had locked away her feelings for him. Stamped them down ruthlessly whenever they threatened to crack through her defences. But this, this was monumentally unfair, she felt as though the universe was playing some cruel cosmic mind game with her. It wasn't the first time. She had been forced to witness an alternate version of herself before; locked in a kiss with Jack and she had felt so worthless at that point, believing that Jack didn't see her, herself that way. And now here it was again teasing her with what she could never have.
"I can't, I can't do this…" She said as she struggled to break out of his arms.
Another contraction hit her, but she had to get away from him.
She rose to her knees and pushed at his chest. He responded and left the bed but remained at her side.
Sam was leaning on her elbows again. "Please," She pleaded, "Please go."
"Sam." Jack called to her, but was cut off.
Sam's heart ache morphed into cold fury when she heard her name on his lips.
"Get out!" She screamed at him. She had never spoken to the General like that before, but right now she didn't give a damn. He wasn't the General. "I am not your wife, sir!" She spat. "Maybe I have to do this, but I don't need you here to do it. Get out!"
"Sam," Jack said gently, trying to placate her, he was afraid something like this might happen. "I know you're not my Sam but…"
"Janet, get him out of here!" Sam yelled, raising her head to look at Janet, rage plain on her face. "I don't want him here."
"Ok Sam, its ok he's leaving" Janet said as she tugged on Jack's arm. "Please sir, you have to leave."
Jack allowed himself to be led away from Sam and toward the door before protesting, "Doc, that's my baby being born over there, I should be here."
"I know Jack," Janet said soothingly and continued in a quiet voice, "But think about this from her point of view. She found out she was pregnant four days ago and now she's in labour with a baby that's not even hers."
Jack had his eyes fixed on Sam's slumped form as he thought over Janet's words, and a baby she'll have to give up when she leaves, ah crap!
He ran his hand over his face and through his short greying hair in frustration.
"I get it Janet, but I should be here."
Janet took his upper arm again and he followed her weakly to the door. She had sympathy in her eyes when she looked at him again and whispered, "Maybe you can watch from the observation room, but try not to let her see you ok. She's having a baby Jack, we can't upset her any more."
Jack nodded and left the room, but turned back just as he was about to cross the threshold. He saw Daniel and Teal'c close ranks on his wife. One on either side of her. He turned and walked away, still feeling that he should damn well be there!
Jack ascended the steps to the observation room quickly but slowed his steps considerably as he reached the landing. Staying in the shadows he took a discreet position in the front corner, hoping to remain unnoticed.
A thought struck him – Sam, his wife Sam, would be seriously pissed at missing the birth of her own child. Jesus! This screwed up situation was just gonna be crap for everybody.
He watched through the glass, as Teal'c took up the cloth and mopped Sam's brow and Daniel rubbed at her lower back.
They were a team – SG-1 – and even if Jack couldn't be there for her, he was exceedingly grateful that his most trusted friends could. She was in good hands.
"It's ok Sam, he's gone now." Janet said as she marched back into the room.
Sam just nodded, unable to speak now or even open her eyes.
She felt the wet cloth touch her forehead and hands massage her back. She clenched her teeth as the pain crashed over her, struggling to breathe. It was worse; the physical pain was worse without him, but she didn't care. The physical pain she could handle, it was the emotional pain she was having trouble with.
As the contraction passed, she began to lower herself to her side again, when Daniel spoke.
"Sam? Sam, what was that about? Jack should be here." He said tenderly.
"He isn't the General Daniel." Sam replied touchily. "The General would never…" Her voice quieted and cracked with emotion, "he wouldn't touch me like that, he would never look at me like that."
And Sam broke.
Tears streamed down her face and great wrenching sobs wracked her body.
Daniel and Teal'c moved in around her.
Janet stood close, but didn't get in the way of the two men; she may be Sam's best friend, but these men were her family. The four original members of SG-1 shared a bond no one outside of them could truly comprehend or be part of.
Daniel perched himself next to her and rubbed her back in soothing circles. He knew this would be emotionally difficult for her, but in the nine years he had known her, he had never seen her break down like this. He regretted his words, he hadn't realised till this point just how much she loved her CO. Jack you stupid ass!
Teal'c squatted at the side of the bed, bringing his face to Sam's. He had been aware for some time of the strength of the bond between O'Neill and ColonelCarter and the depth of feelings they shared. He watched them allow some of the barriers they had erected between one another fall after the death of her father and the team's time at the cabin. However they could not seem to take the next step and Teal'c was certain that ColonelCarter still did not realise that O'Neill returned her love. This situation served only to strengthen her doubts. Teal'c placed one of his large hands over hers and with his other he gently caressed her hair. "ColonelCarter." He whispered.
She raised her head from where it was buried in the bed and looked at him with blurred eyes, her face red. "He doesn't love me Teal'c." She cried in a strangled voice and dropped her head again as she wept.
Janet couldn't mask her sharp intake of breath as she heard those words.
She hadn't meant to say it, to confess like that. She had never spoken aloud of her feelings for the General, except for the stupid Za'tarc incident. But it just seemed to come out. She felt so pathetic; she'd lost all control, not only over her emotions but her obvious reactions to those emotions. She should be able to control herself, to maintain her façade of indifference, but she couldn't. Waves of grief that she'd buried for nine years crashed over her in this one moment and she couldn't stop.
"You are mistaken ColonelCarter."
"No Teal'c," She said looking up at him again with red eyes, "I know he cares, but…
Jack looked-on from the observation room horrified at what he was witnessing.
Another contraction hit her and her sobs abated as the fog of pain enveloped her.
Teal'c wiped her tears away with the cloth.
"Ugh…" She groaned. "Janet!" Her body acted of its own volition and she felt herself starting to push.
"Ok Sam this is it." Janet said. "Daniel, Teal'c we need to get her up."
Daniel climbed up on the bed and hefted her up so that he knelt behind her, cradling her form between his legs. He slipped his hands under her arms and shoulders, holding her securely in a semi squatting position on the end of the bed.
Sam reached over and grabbed Teal'c's hand and squeezed. Teal'c closed his fingers around her hand but kept his grip light as he allowed her to squeeze almost to the point of pain.
Janet placed a sheet over Sam's lap in an effort to preserve what modesty she had left, but right now Sam didn't give a shit about modesty. The contraction crashed over her, her internal muscles constricted, "ahh! Janet!" She grunted.
"Ok Sam, you can push now honey."
And Sam did.
Still squeezing Teal'c's hand and with Daniel supporting her weight, Sam pushed. Her eyes squeezed shut and her face reddened with the effort as she continued to strain until finally the contraction subsided.
She slumped back into Daniel's chest, breathing heavily. She felt the cold ice chip touch her parched lips and opened her eyes as she accepted the offering from Teal'c's fingers. His usual impassive expression softened by the genuine concern and fondness in his dark eyes. And Sam was struck at that moment with fierce affection for these two men, her greatest friends, her closest family. She felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that they would be here with her, hold her and help her for no other reason then their own care for her.
The contractions were coming regularly now, with a couple minutes recovery time between. Sam pushed with each one and Janet could see the baby's head now, but Sam was tiring.
As yet another contraction hit her and she groaned Sam felt Daniel lift her, taking her weight so she could push, but she was just so exhausted.
"Come-on Sam, the baby's nearly here, just a couple more big pushes." Janet said.
Sam strained, but couldn't muster the energy. She shook her head. She felt Teal'c's reassuring grip on her hand. She heard Daniel's soft voice as he began murmuring words of encouragement. She drew in a deep breath and mustering her last reserves of energy she pushed hard and long.
"Good Sam!" Janet said excitingly, "One more honey."
And with another deep breath, she pushed again.
She felt a sudden release as the baby came through. "That's it Sam, you did it, just breath through it now." Janet said.
As the baby slipped into Janet's arms, Sam sagged back against Daniel.
Janet quickly handed the baby over to a waiting nurse while she clamped and cut the umbilical cord.
A loud shriek filled the room as the baby took its first breath and began to cry. The nurse wrapped the baby in a soft blanket and, not knowing any better, brought the baby over to Sam.
"Ma'am, you have a baby girl." She said as she extended her arms to allow Sam to take the newborn child.
Sam shook her head as she whimpered, shedding fresh tears down her face. "Daniel," She whispered, "Please…" And she couldn't suppress the cry that escaped her.
It was Teal'c who rose to his full height and stood before the nurse. "I shall take the child." He declared.
The nurse was far to intimidated to argue and handed the wailing little girl over to Teal'c's waiting arms. He moved away from Sam and Daniel, cradling the tiny bundle in his giant arms with tremendous tenderness and gazing at her beet red face. "Greetings little one," he whispered, "Welcome to this world. I am Teal'c, your Uncle. I pledge to teach and protect you always."
As soon as the baby had slipped into Janet's waiting arms, Jack could no longer stay where he was. He fled the observation room and raced into the isolation room. He arrived just in time to hear Teal'c's quiet words.
"T'?" Is all he could utter as his heart constricted. He approached Teal'c slowly, eyes fixed on the infant's face.
"Your daughter O'Neill." Teal'c said as he presented her to Jack.
Jack took her in his warm arms and immediately she quietened. He stroked her face with one long finger and she opened her blue eyes. She was beautiful, Jack thought, just like her mother. He moved his finger to a little hand and she closed her tiny fingers over the tip. His heart swelled with so much emotion he thought his chest might burst.
Jack felt Teal'c's heavy hand come to rest on his shoulder. "Congratulations my brother." He rumbled.
Jack looked up at him and grinned. "Thanks buddy."
Teal'c gave Jack a small solemn smile, before removing his hand from Jack's shoulder and returning to Sam's bedside. He was pleased for the O'Neill and ColonelCarter of this world, but his loyalties lay with the woman recovering in the bed and the O'Neill of their world. He saw her still slumped in Daniel's arms, tears silently streaming down her face as she gazed at Jack holding the baby and his heart felt suddenly very heavy with the desolation he saw in her eyes.
"Daniel you need to lie her down now." Janet instructed. "I'm just going to clean you up now Sam, make sure everything's ok internally and you'll need a couple stitches."
But Sam wasn't listening, she lay passively, completely drained, she didn't care at this point what anyone did to her.
Daniel slid off the bed and gently lay Sam down. "You did it Sam, wow!"
She didn't say anything, but she closed her eyes so she wouldn't see Jack with their daughter anymore, it hurt too much.
"Indeed." Teal'c said, as he reached her side. "ColonelCarter I am exceedingly grateful that you allowed me to witness and participate in this wonder."
"Yeah Sam, me too, it means a lot to us. You know, that you let us stay." Daniel agreed.
Sam opened her eyes. She swiped her tears away with one hand and gave them a genuine smile, "I think I'm the one who should be thanking you guys." She said weakly, he throat dry.
"Ok Sam," Janet said, coming to her side, "Everything looks fine now." She told Sam, smoothing the hair back off her damp forehead as the nurses changed bloodied sheets for fresh ones and tucked Sam into some warm blankets.
"When can I leave?" Sam said, as usual trying to get herself checked out of the infirmary.
Janet gave her an indulgent smile. "Not just yet honey, I want you to rest here for a little bit." She raised her bed so Sam could recline in a sitting position, "I'll come back and see you soon Sam." She said before moving away from her.
Jack was standing by the door completely engrossed in his daughter's face when Janet approached him.
"Jack?" Janet said gently. "How are you two doing?"
"Hey Doc. She's beautiful." Jack chanced a glance at Sam. "How's she doin'?" He asked.
"As well as can be expected. Physically she's fine, the birth went perfectly." Janet replied.
"Should I…?" He tilted his head down to the baby and then toward Sam.
"No sir, I don't think that would be a good idea. I need to perform a few routine tests with the baby now though, if you don't mind."
"Ha? Right. Sure." Jack said still holding the baby securely in his arms.
"Uh sir, I need you to give me the baby." Janet said smiling at him.
"Oh right sorry Doc." He said handing the baby over carefully.
He looked over at Sam sitting upright in her bed and sipping on some water, with Daniel and Teal'c seated on a couple of chairs next to her.
"Hey Sam." He said as he approached, the greeting sounded weak in his own ears. She looked up at him her usually bright and clear eyes bloodshot from her tears. God! It was hard to see her like this without being able to hold her, to stroke the hair from her face. Suddenly he felt like he'd travelled back to a time when she would be laying here, injured from a mission gone wrong and it would take every ounce of self-control he could muster to resist just holding her hand.
He'd had a lot of practice at that over the years. He balled his hands into fists and shoved them into his pockets.
"Sir…" Sam sniffed and tried to continue but Jack cut her off with a raised hand.
"It's ok Sam, I get it. Listen I just wanna say I'm sorry you had to do this." He wanted to say more, much more, but he just couldn't find the words. He swayed on his feet, his head bowed toward the floor for a moment before walking away. He disappeared behind the curtain where his daughter's slight whimpers could be heard.
A/N: This may have upset some people, not just the fact that Sam's had alternate Sam's baby, but that Sam kicked Jack out, not allowing him to be a part of the birth of his own child. I agree that this is a tragic thing and very upsetting for Jack and some might see it as Sam being exceedingly selfish and mean. However I tried to convey the fact that Jack actively participated in most of the labour, it was only near the end when she was almost ready to deliver that she lost it and told him to leave, though I don't know how well that came across. Also I know from experience that one of the worst things a woman can do in labour is allow herself to become upset emotionally just because she wants to spare someone else's feelings, it can lead to a whole lot of serious problems in the birth. And frankly if there is ever a time when a woman can and should be selfish it is during childbirth. Anyway I'm rambling – sorry : )
Let me know what you think I'm always more than happy to engage in constructive discussion.
Next chapter will be much lighter, next to no angst – phew.