Margeaux was actually pretty busy in the morning. Work didn't start until 9:30 on Thursdays and Margeaux always opened at 7, except for Sundays where they would open their doors at 9. I've never really seen Margeaux in the morning, unless you count those 3AM drunken Sunday mornings, but I never bothered to eat here. I decided that since it was so close to work and I had time for a pastry or so, maybe if it wasn't so busy I'd be able to have breakfast with Kuronue. That wasn't exactly the case as Botan informed me he was slaving away in the kitchen.
"But I'm free," she quipped in happily.
I looked behind me to see quite a few customers waiting to order. "I mean you look pretty busy—"
"Kuwabara, take reg! I'm gonna go on my break!" she shouted at the ginger as he shrugged and made a tired beeline to the cash register.
"You really don't have to Botan."
"Hush now, it's on the house! Plus, we should talk", she said, as she sat at the furthest corner from the rest of the workers.
"Am I in trouble?," I asked while staring at the door, hoping I could make a run for it. It was way too early for morning confrontations, but from the determined look she was giving me, I assumed it pleasant.
"Well no. Not yet at least," she said cryptically as she motioned for Keiko to come and take our orders.
"Okay well I'd rather deal with this shit now rather than later, so hit me with it. What did I fuck up on this time?"
"You didn't" she answered bluntly. "I'm just warning you not to."
"Just to make it clear, we're talking about Kuronue right?"
She nodded in clarification as she stared at me sternly. Botan was fearless and confident, a trait I found annoying in most people but it suited her quite well.
"It's fairly obvious both of you have something going on—
"That can't be proven," I started.
She sat back against the chair, crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "He told me about the whole kitchen incident. He's on cleaning duty for an indefinite period unless stated otherwise."
"I'm guessing you're mad," I laughed, almost apologetically. Almost.
"Well yes, but that's not the main reason I wanted to talk to you. I don't know what you two are but I want you to figure it out," she demanded.
"With all due respect Botan, it's my life and his, and what we are and what we aren't is not for you to decide," I argued with an equally irritated tone.
"Then do it for him," she said sternly, almost pleading me. "Kuronue is a very special person to me, everyone in Margeaux is but Kuronue especially. He's been through so much and I just don't want him to go through anymore."
"I wont hurt him, I promise." I said with a clipped tone.
"I know you think that I'm cornering you, but I'm not."
I unclenched my fists and tried to make myself more relaxed. The worry on her face showed that she wasn't here to antagonize me and I couldn't get mad at her if her intentions were sincere.
"What exactly happened to him?" I asked. I saw her eyebrows knit together as she fought the inner struggle of whether to tell me or not.
"I'm not sure if he wants me to tell you."
"I know the abridged story, he wouldn't tell me anything about how he got his scar, but I can pretty much piece the story together."
"The Kuronue you know now would be unrecognizable a few years back," Botan began, staring hard at her tea. "Honestly he wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for his amazing luck and my terrible navigation skills."
"Okay, start from the beginning. I don't start work for a good half hour. I have time."
"It was around winter, five years ago. It had to be some time around Christmas Eve or New Years cause I remember I was supposed to be visiting family. The party was happening in a neighboring city and I figured that if I cut through the forest path I'd be able to get there sooner since I was already running a little late. What I didn't know was that the forest was much bigger and more winding than I anticipated, and I spent a good half hour trying to find the way back to the main road. I actually started flipping out a little cause I had no connection whatsoever so I was screwed if I ever ran out of gas. Thankfully, I was able to find a clearing and that's when..." she stopped talking, as if it was physically hard for her to continue.
"And that's when you found Kuronue..."
"I was certain that I discovered a dead body or something. I panicked for a couple of minutes, and it took me a while to even approach him, but all I remember was that there was already a good amount of blood next to him. I could still hear him breathing so I hoisted him back into my car and the only thing I could think of was this was the most scared I've been in my entire life. I saw the trail of spotting blood leading up to my car, my hands were covered in it, it looked like a crime scene."
I didn't say anything as Keiko served us our food. I didn't feel very hungry anymore.
"That day was kind of a miracle for Kuronue at least. I don't know if it was luck, or if I somehow gained some type of magical navigation skill while under a lot of stress but I was able to get out of the forest enough to call an ambulance." She rubbed her hands together nervously, and for a moment I could almost imagine them covered in Kuronue's blood.
"The cut was really deep, but he made it. Barely." I could see that she didn't touch her food either. "It's strange that it was easier to talk about this before and not now, but I didn't know him that well. I checked on him at the hospital every day until he regained consciousness, and when he did he wouldn't really talk to anyone. I could have left him there, I could have done my good deed and call it a day. But something told me that if I left, he'd just do the exact same thing. And the fact that he was my age, with nowhere to go or nowhere he was willing to go. It just didn't seem fair." she bit her lip and I could tell that the memory troubled her.
"But it's fine now, right?"
"As far as I know, yes. But do you ever really know," she answered apprehensively. "I know he can seem like an open book sometimes, but I swear he's harder to read than you think. You don't understand what I had to go through to get him out of whatever hell he was facing at the moment, and I'm not gonna let that happen to him again. Maybe I'm so overprotective of Kuronue because I put in so much time and effort into him, or maybe it's because I'm a naturally empathetic person, whatever the case, everyone in Margeaux is family and we take care of each other here."
I slumped into my chair, and just kind of glared at her. "I have no intention of breaking whatever dynamic you have going on here, but don't you think Kuronue is old enough to decide things for himself?"
"I'm not deciding anything for him. And I'm not telling you to back off. I'm asking you as a friend to end this if you aren't serious about him. There is no point in keeping this up if it's only going to end up with him being hurt."
"Well Kuronue explicitly told me that he was okay with how everything was."
"This is the first real connection he's had in years. He's the type of person to prolong something for the sake of being happy for just a short period of time. He's already lost so much hope in so many things, I just don't want him to lose trust in people."
"Well... what do you want me to do exactly?" I said a lot harsher than I intended to.
"It's simple. If you aren't going to screw him over, then we have no problem here. If he's unimportant to you, then drop him. And if you are planning to drop him, don't be a coward and leave without saying anything."
"I won't. Is that really what you think of me? I'm not that asshole that ruined his life."
"Quite the contrary, I like you. That's why I'm telling you. Because I believe you're a good person. Look, I can sit here and threaten you and all that, but at the end of the day, that wouldn't mean anything, at least not to Kuronue. He's falling for you fast, and all of us can see it. He's one of the strongest people I've ever come across, but he could only take so much. So if you do care about him, make up your goddamn mind." she said in a hushed whisper. She got up and left me with that, leaving me feeling like I've been slapped multiple times across the face.
"Botan talked to you didn't she," Kuronue sounded apologetic as he searched for the second installment of Christopher Nolans batman series. Directors cut of course.
Kuronue had a thing for big named directors, this week was Nolan week, and I've been to his house three consecutive times to binge watch DVD's.
"What would make you say that?" I asked, although he already knew the answer.
"Well for one, I saw you this morning. I was gonna say hi but I saw Botan swoop you. I know how Botan looks when she wants tell you something serious. She finds a way to corner you until she's done with everything she has to say."
"If you knew the answer why did you ask me," I said, taking the DVD from his hand and popping The Dark Knight into the DVD player. I knew how to use most of the second hand, worn down technology he had in his apartment. Thankfully, the older they were, the simpler to use.
"I wanted you to tell me yourself," he shrugged. "So what did you guys talk about?"
"You," I answered without hesitation.
"She tends to do that. She's kind of like a mother hen that way," he chuckled. "But she shouldn't. Botan does too much for all of us," he shook his head in amusement. "But whatever Botan said, just forget all of it."
"She told me about the time when she found you. She warned me not to hurt you."
His place was pretty small and it didn't have any couches or anything, but I was happy just to sit on his floor with my back against his bed. I crossed my arms as I carefully watched his reaction.
"She was doing it out of kindness. Cause she cares." I could have thrown Botan under the bus, but everything she warned me not to do was heading exactly in that direction and I can't hate someone from coming from a good place. I wasn't that petty.
"I'm not mad at her for it, she's just trying to look out for me. But I don't like it when other people interfere with my life choices, no matter how bad they seem." his expression softened as he sat next to me.
"If it helped, I kind of wanted to know what she had to say. I wanted to know more about you—"
"Well don't." he said curtly. "You know a lot more about my past than most people and that should be enough."
"What's wrong with knowing more. What's wrong with wanting to know the finer details," I said patiently. Normally I would just snap back, but recently, with Kuronue, that hasn't been the case. He would want me to snap back, it was easier to change the subject when you're angry.
"Look, why do care? How will that benefit you?" he asked with an aggravated voice.
"Am I not allowed to ask?" I almost shouted, equally as aggravated.
He shook his head in disbelief, like this was all a sick joke. "And then what? I tell you everything. You learn all about me. How is it going to help me when you fucking leave," I could see him dig his nails on the carpet, pulling at the short fabric until his knuckles turned white. "I don't want to get any closer to you than I already am. I don't think I'd be able to handle it."
I put my hand on top of his, and I could feel him ease his grip.
"I'm sorry. I'll figure this shit out I swear. Leaving is the last thing from my mind, I just never really wanted to call it anything cause I'm not very good at all of this."
"I don't want you to feel obligated to stay with me. I don't want you to feel forced into anything, I won't hurt myself. I'm over that melodramatic stage I swear," he muttered. "I can handle myself it's just that... Whatever happens, I wanna be ready. I wanna see it coming you know?"
"See what coming?"
He pulled his knees to his chest, buried his face, and let out a deep sigh. I wanted nothing more than to help him.
"I'm in love with you. I don't know when it started or how it fucking happened but it just did. And I'm a horrible person to be with, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to be with anyone. I get too jealous, too attached, too insecure. I start perceiving things that aren't there and I'll make up stories and..." he took a deep breath, then came the silence.
"Everything is perfectly fine as it is right now," he said after a while, more to reassure himself then me.
"But don't pretend to feel things you don't, because I will believe you. And most importantly, if at any time you want to leave, make sure you say goodbye to me first," he said softly.
He brought his head up and smiled at me. "Did I scare you off yet?"
For some reason, I expected him to cry. Actually, with all the shit he's told me, not once have I actually seen a tear come from his face. But I'd rather see him bawl his heart out rather than put on a stoic expression, because it would stop be from thinking of how much he cried to the point where he couldn't physically show it anymore. To the point where he realized it wouldn't do anything. He was the type of person who would let sadness sink in, until all you can do is wait until it breaks you.
Wanting to be alone is one thing. Although Kuronue had many friends, he didn't mind being alone, but choosing to be alone compared to being abandoned was a completely different thing. He's been abandoned for most of this life, and by this time I could understand why he was so cautious.
"Not enough for me to leave I promise I'm not as shitty as you think I am."
He laughed and shook his head. "I think you're wonderful"
"I think you have too much faith in people,"
"That's the problem. I really don't. And I'm such an idiot, for letting you of all people get to me," he laid his head on my shoulder and laughed. "It's been almost five fucking years since I've remotely felt this way about someone. And yet, I could have had it easier, I could have had someone I didn't have to work so hard for, but at the same time, I can't see myself with anyone else. Maybe I just suck at this sort of thing."
I kissed the top of his forehead and laid my chin on the top of his jet black hair. "I guess we're both pretty bad at this aren't we?"
"Absolutely terrible," he chuckled "I know we're both fucked up in different ways, but I just don't want to be like that anymore. You put two messed up people together, and you think that wouldn't be a smart idea, but I feel like I've gotten better around you. You're not supposed to make me feel normal, but you do. And I've wanted to feel normal for the longest time."
"Hey, I'm new to this shit too you know. It's the first stable thing I've had in a while. It's weird. But all I know is that I like it. And I like you too."
I wasn't lying, I did like Kuronue a lot. But love was a strong word and one that I wasn't ready to use. I don't know if I'd ever get up until that point anyways. It was hard to believe that Kuronue said that becoming close to people was difficult, after all, he was the one who pulled me out of the rut I was in. Love was hard word to say because it correlated with trust, and trusting someone would be showing your vulnerability. I could call him a fool for falling for me so fast, but maybe I was the coward and he was the courageous one for even bothering to admit it.
"It's after you go that kinda scares me. It's not like I go off and always do something crazy when someone decides to leave me. Don't think I need you to function properly. Cause I don't. But I do want to keep you around me." I felt my face heat up from the sentiment, but he said it as if it was fact. "I've gotten so used to this routine we have going on that I'm scared of not having it. Because it's like I have you but I don't. Kind of like trying out something for a trial period and having it disappear whenever it decides to."
"I don't know why you never believe me when I say that—"
"You're not over Yomi, don't even try to argue me on that one," his voice was laced with a tinge of bitterness and I hated myself for not trying to argue back. "But I can't really hate you for that can I? I chose to do this, I chose to get close to you. For the record, I don't regret it." He tried to smile but it fell short.
"I'm sorry I'm hurting you," I blurted out of nowhere. I felt like shit, I didn't mean to do any of this to him.
"You aren't doing anything I'm not prepared for Kurama. I know what I'm getting into. I've weighed out all the pros and cons, how this is going to end."
He held me by the shoulders and stared straight at me. My first reaction was to look away, but I knew he didn't want me to, and there was something about the way his eyes were pleading me to reciprocate.
"I love you Kurama. I'm not asking you to love me back, I'm just asking you to tell me when you don't want to do this anymore."
"I.. I promise," I managed to utter the words out of my mouth. The words felt foreign and wrong, I couldn't help but notice how I didn't even try to fight him.
"Good," he gave me a sharp nod and I could see him try to curl his lips up into a genuine smile. He managed this time.
I didn't pay attention to the movie, he didn't either. Midway through the film, he kissed me, and just kept kissing me till we were just a jumble of limbs and sweat and soft lips against skin. We laid in his tiny bed for what seemed like forever. I remember his head hidden inside the crook of my neck, as he held me, his nails digging into my skin quietly begging me not to leave.
And maybe I wasn't ready for this. Maybe he didn't deserve me. But I let him hold me while I stroked his hair. Giving him fake hope for the time being.
(A/N: I know I've been gone for a while, school and work and life have been a pain. But I really do miss writing :( Thank you to everyone so has kept up with this story and everyone who is still reading this. I don't really know how fast or slow I can be with the updates but I will try my best.)