Chapter Nineteen.
Daniel poked his head around the office door and saw Jack at his desk flicking his pen between his fingers, his chin resting in his hand.
He entered without knocking and Jack looked up. "Hi Jack, missed you at lunch…"
"Yeah, I was a little busy." Jack replied, indicting the paperwork strewn over his desk with an absent sweep of his hand.
Daniel nodded, watching his friend silently. Neither He nor Teal'c had heard from Jack since he'd gone to get Sam in the morning. Sam herself had joined them for lunch a few hours ago but wasn't exactly forthcoming when they'd questioned her and Jack's absence at breakfast.
"Somethin' I can do for ya Danny?" Jack said irritably.
"Not really." Daniel replied casually, not waiting for an invitation before dragging a chair closer to Jack's desk and sitting himself down.
"Daniel…!" Jack growled warningly.
Jack's glare and tone of voice could make seasoned frontline officers quake in their boots, but not Daniel…Daniel was immune.
"You didn't come back for breakfast, something come up?" Daniel asked, his voice remaining relaxed as though they were just having an idle chat.
"No Daniel, just wasn't hungry. That ok with you?!" Jack had been happily brooding away in isolation, thankyou very much, and did not appreciate the interruption. He hadn't gotten any work done since breakfast – since he saw Sam – his mind kept replaying her words. He couldn't help imagining the details of what she'd gone through and he couldn't seem to shake this annoying ache in his chest, but mostly he kept thinking about the little girl that existed somewhere and wondered which one of them she looked most like; hoping she got her mother's eyes and wondering what they would name her, before reality would smack him in the face and he would remember that Sam would never settle for his worthless ass. Jack intended to get rid of his pesky friend so he could continue to brood in piece.
"Funny, Sam said the same thing." Daniel said absently.
Jack groaned, "Well maybe she wasn't, now Daniel if you didn't come here for any other reason than to be annoying, I have work to do!"
Daniel made no move to get up but his face turned serious as he studied his best friend. "She told you didn't she?"
Jack was silent as he looked upon Daniel with narrowed eyes. He was burning to know the details; he wanted to ask Daniel what exactly had happened, how had Sam coped? Were they there with her? Was the other him? He felt a flash of anger at that thought; but he couldn't ask because Sam deserved better.
Daniel understood there was no way Jack was even going to answer that question let alone discuss it, but he didn't need to, Daniel knew he was right. He stood and headed toward the door before turning around, "You know Jack, you were the one Sam needed and wanted to be with her and yet you were the one she kicked out." Jack's head whipped up in surprise to meet Daniel's stern eyes. "Apparently because you weren't really you." Daniel would never betray Sam's confidence by telling Jack exactly what she'd really said, he felt fairly guilty for saying this much, but he was hoping he was doing her a favour. "You might want to think about that." He turned and left Jack to his thoughts.
She wanted me?! She'd kicked the other me out because he wasn't me?! Jack's thoughts were in overdrive. He knew he was in love with Sam, he had been for a very long time but he still didn't know how she felt about him. He knew she cared, but…hell Sam was incredible, beautiful, smart…she deserved better than him anyway. He remembered what had happened between himself and alternate Carter, the things she had said and he couldn't help wondering.
He felt her before he heard her. He hastily set his face into neutral before she entered the doorway hesitantly and knocked on the doorframe. Only then did he allow himself to look up from the file he was pretending to read.
"Sir?"
"Hey Carter, come in." He waved her in and preyed his voice would stay steady and casual. Her red eyes and pink nose were gone.
She closed the door behind her before entering fully into the room and Jack's heart rate quickened. Sam never closes the door unless he tells her to; he forced his breathing to remain even.
Sam stepped in front of Jack's desk, clutching the file in her hands in front her as she faced him. Her heart beat nervously in her chest, but she maintained her calm and composed demeanour. She would say what she came here to say and leave.
"What's up?" He asked looking up at her from his seated position and leaning back in his chair.
Sam took a moment to appreciate the fact that his strength and authority would still be present even he were laying on the floor…naked…Whoa! No not now! This is not the time or place for that image! She chided herself, God sometimes she felt like a horny teenager around him.
"Sir," She hesitated and took a calming breath, "I was just bringing you my report sir." She said, but didn't move to hand it to him.
"Carter?" Jack queried after a moment.
She raised her gaze from where it had been resting on his desk and locked her eyes on his. "Do you remember when we were in the engine room of that Tel'tac after you had the ancient repository downloaded into your brain the second time?"
He winced visibly at the memory, looking away from her before her voice brought his eyes back to hers.
"I tried to tell you something…" Sam continued haltingly. "You said you knew, but now I think maybe you didn't really."
His face was a chiselled mask, but his eyes were fixed on her. She went on quickly not giving him a chance to cut her off this time. "The thing is…I think you should know…" She paused for a long moment studying him, "I was never in love with Pete." She confessed. Something flashed in his eyes but was gone before she could be sure it was even there.
Holding her breath, she shifted her eyes to the folder in her hands and added "My mission report sir." She placed it on the desk in front of him before she spun on her heel and strode quickly out of the room, leaving the door open again behind her.
Jack sat behind his desk stunned, he leaned forward, bracing his elbows on the desk, he ruffled his hair before resting his head in his hands. She'd never loved Pete?! He'd thought…she was gonna marry the guy for-cryin'-out-loud! He leant back in his chair again. He knew what she was gonna say that day on the cargo ship, or at least he knew it was gonna be about feelings anyway, their feelings for each other, but he couldn't hear the words from her. Not that way, knowing she was only saying them 'cause she thought he was dying and he didn't need her to – he really did know. He realised it when Janet had died and he'd been shot by a staff blast. He knew it when she sought him out after Janet's death; he heard it in the way she'd told him 'she was really glad he was ok;' he saw it in the way she looked at him, trying not to cry; he felt it in the way she clutched him when he hugged her. He had thought there was no way she still felt anything other than friendship for him until that moment, but he ignored it, buried the awareness of it deep down where he kept his feelings for her, locked up and unacknowledged.
Pete was only part of the reason he hadn't let her say anything on the cargo ship, but he was the reason he didn't confront Sam about it when he remembered that moment in the engine room. It took him a few weeks after his promotion to regain all his memories and he'd so much wanted to just go to her house, break the damn door down and kiss her, but she'd been with Pete and she seemed happy with him. Truth was Jack didn't think he was nearly good enough for Sam, and while he didn't think Pete was either, that wasn't his call to make. So he hadn't said anything, he couldn't ruin her chances at a normal life with a normal guy. A guy she was free to love and who was free to love her. So he'd said nothing and when she'd showed him the ring, even though he felt his chest seize, he still didn't say anything. In the end all he ever really wanted for Sam was for her to be happy.
So then he'd starting seeing Kerry because, well, she was pretty and nice and she liked him. She didn't know what a grumpy ass he could be; she didn't know he knew a thousand different ways to kill a man with his bare hands and that he'd used most of them; she didn't know the things he'd seen and done.
But Sam did. She knew, she'd seen. She'd been there for most of it, by his side. She'd seen him at his best and at his very worst. She knew things about him no one else did and she loved him anyway. At least that's what he thought she was trying to tell him just now. Which of course led to the natural conclusion that she was completely nuts.
A broad grin spread suddenly across Jack's features. They had a daughter together somewhere. She broke up with Pete, she never even loved him. Jack was still certain that he didn't deserve her but if he was right and she was saying what he thought she was saying then…he had to find out one way or another.
Damn! What the hell was he doing still sitting here like a stunned salmon! He jumped out of his chair, flew down the stairs and past the control room, leaving behind a startled Walter Harriman, and headed for level nineteen.
The elevator was taking way to damn long in Jack's opinion. He was supposed to talk to General Hammond about the post in DC tonight but he had to find Carter, had to know what she wanted before he could make any serious decisions. Images flashed through his mind of every time he'd managed to elicit a smile from her, beginning with the first, sitting at the briefing table after he'd made some wise-ass crack, the very day he'd first laid eyes on her. He'd been obsessed with her smiles ever since.
Jack charged out of the elevator as soon as the door opened and collided right into Daniel, only his sharp field honed reflexes saved Daniel from landing on his but as he grabbed his friends arm and steadied him. "Damn it Daniel, watch where you're goin'!" He said, knowing full well he was the one who wasn't watching.
"Jack? What's the hurry?" Daniel questioned as he bent over to retrieve the books he'd dropped in the collision.
But Jack just skirted around him hurriedly.
"Sam's not in her lab Jack." Daniel yelled at Jack's retreating back.
Jack stopped abruptly and made his way back to Daniel.
"She went home." Daniel continued when Jack was close enough he didn't have to shout.
"Home?" Jack said in confusion, he glanced at his watch. 1700. Shit! How long had he been sitting at his desk in paralysis after she'd gone.
"Yes Jack, home." Daniel said patronisingly. He'd seen Sam earlier and she'd looked troubled and he was sure it was Jack's fault, so he wasn't feeling very charitable toward his friend at the moment. "You know that place with a kitchen and television where Sam occasionally visits on the rare days she actually leaves the base."
"I know what a home is thankyou Daniel." Jack said grumpily.
"She only left ten minutes ago Jack." Daniel informed him. The fact that Jack was looking for her encouraged Daniel to forgive him for whatever it was he did – or didn't do as the case may be. He shot Jack a knowing look.
Jack clapped Daniel on the forearm, "Gotta go Daniel." He said and returned to the elevator. Just as the door was sliding closed he popped his head out, "Tell Walter I'm leaving the base for a while will'ya!" He pulled his head back in just in time.
A small smile crept over Daniel's face as he shook his head at his friend and then scowled when he realised he needed the elevator.
Sam had been home for a half an hour, she'd showered, changed into her most comfortable jeans, looked in the refrigerator to confirm that no she didn't have any food so it would have to be take out and now stood in her lounge room gazing around the house vacantly, unsure what to do with herself. It had been two hours since she'd spoken to the General; she shook her head in an effort to clear her mind of thoughts of him. She looked at the blank screen of the television set, maybe she'd just watch some mindless TV show. Just as she sat on the sofa and reached out for the remote sitting on the coffee table she heard it; the roar of a powerful engine as it came to a stop outside her house. Her heart stopped; she knew that sound. She sat frozen, struggling to calm her frayed nerves as she listened to the sound of his heavy boots on her front path.
Although she was expecting it she still jumped at the heavy knock on the door, placing her hand over her chest and taking a few deep breaths she walked down her hall. He was facing away from her looking out onto the street but turned toward her when she opened the door. "Sir." Well that sounded normal enough, she thought.
"Hey Carter." Jack said.
She paused slightly noting the fact that he was still wearing his BDU's, the single star stitched into the lapels on each side, though he'd removed the SGC patch. He wouldn't usually have left the base without getting changed. "Come in sir." She invited and stepped aside to let him in.
He stepped over the threshold, careful not to brush against her as she closed the door behind him.
They stood in the hallway together, she watched him as he looked around, eyes briefly alighting on the pictures on her walls but definitely avoiding hers. Eventually she moved past him, leading him into the living area. "Do you want a drink sir?"
He followed her; she was wearing a sweet pair of worn jeans that clung to her curves as she walked and a loose fitting light pink singlet top with thin spaghetti straps. "No thanks Carter.' He replied as they reached the room, stopping just behind the sofa.
Jack's gaze shifted around the space, it had been a while since he'd been here. He wasn't a member of SG-1 anymore, being the commander of the whole base, but for some reason movie night was still at his place.
Her house was open and spacious, the island bench with two stools at the breakfast bar the only thing that separated the living room from the kitchen. There was a fireplace at the far wall of the living area, the mantelpiece lined with large books, actually Carter had a lot of bookshelves, all filled. He spotted a framed photo of her as a child with her brother, Jacob and a pretty blonde woman who was undoubtedly Carter's mother.
Finally he allowed his gaze to settle on Sam and he found her watching him warily with her hands together in front of herself, the fingers of one hand nervously playing with the fingers of the other.
He drew in a breath and let it out in a puff; he wanted to know if she felt for him anywhere close to how he felt for her, but now that he was here he didn't know what to say or how to say it. Jack O'Neill was a wizard with sarcasm and had a sharp wit, he was always ready with some quip, but when it came to the personal stuff, he just could never find the words. "So Hammond's expecting my answer tonight…about the home-world security thing." He began.
She nodded, lowering her eyes briefly to the floor. "You've made your decision then sir?" Her stomach knotted.
"Not yet." He replied his gaze on her becoming so intense her heart beat alarmingly fast in her chest.
"Can you even refuse if you wanted to sir?" She asked.
"Hammond gave me the option."
"Yes sir, I guess so."
"Carter?" Ok this was it Jack thought, time to go for broke.
"Yes sir?"
"What do you think I should do?"
Sam stared wide eyed at him in surprise, was he really asking? "It's a huge step in your career sir." She said, she couldn't ask him to give up a command like home-world security and a promotion for her, just because she so desperately needed him near her. Besides if she did and he regretted it later, she could never live with herself.
She's hedging Jack thought. "That's not what I asked." He watched her intently, trying to figure out what it was she was thinking.
Her eyebrows creased slightly, but her wide eyed gaze held his. "I think…I think you should take it sir, you're the best qualified after General Hammond and…you deserve it." She was relieved she'd managed to keep her voice from cracking, even as she felt her blood turn to tar in her veins.
Jack's eyebrows drew together as he frowned. He nodded slightly, "So that's what you think I should do?" She nodded. "Carter?"
"Yes sir?"
His voice dropped, "What do you want me to do?"
"Sir?"
He saw her chest expanding as her breathing rate increased and he fought to regulate his own. He took a step toward her so they stood only a foot apart, holding her eyes. "Carter, what did ya want'a tell me…that time in the engine room?" He said, his voice low and rough. He was relieved when she didn't step back.
"Don't you know?" She whispered.
"I'm not that bright Carter."
Sam smiled slightly despite herself, he was always playing dumb.
"I…I wanted to say…that it wouldn't have been worth it to me…because…my world would have ended if you hadn't made it." Her breathing was fast and shallow with the effort her confession had taken.
Jack stood transfixed, her words staggered him. He realised as he watched her lips part slightly to take in her laboured breaths that whatever he may have suspected about her feelings for him, he had never truly believed that she could feel that way…for him.
He wasn't sure how long he'd stood there staring into her perfect eyes, but he was immediately brought out of his thoughts when he saw the blue of her eyes blur with restrained tears. He wanted to kiss her, to take her face in his hands and kiss her, but he still wasn't free to do that because there was no way in hell he would ever compromise her. There was one more thing he had to know, "So what do you want to me do?" He asked again, his voice gentle.
"I want you to do what you want to do." She said.
"That's not an answer." He rumbled softly.
"You deserve it sir." She murmured.
"Damn it Carter!" Jack growled, stepping back and turning away from her, running a frustrated hand over his face. "I don't give a damn about whether I deserve it or not, and I don't give a damn about some promotion, I thought they were nuts for givin' me one star!" He took a deep breath to rein in his wayward temper. "Carter…" His heart stopped when he turned to face her again.
"I can't…" She said, a stray tear escaping down her cheek. She couldn't tell him to stay; if he stayed it had to be because he wanted to, not because she wanted him to.
Jack watched her for a moment, she couldn't what?
Sam saw the confusion in his eyes, he didn't understand. She watched him turn away from her again; saw the muscles in his neck tense and suddenly something inside her snapped, she wasn't sure anymore if the ache in her chest belonged to her or to him, but she was sure she couldn't live with it another moment. "Don't go!"
He stilled for a moment, and then ever so slowly turned toward her, his eyes narrowed guardedly as if he couldn't trust his ears.
"I don't want you to leave, I don't want you to go to Washington. I want you to stay." Her voice petered out into a whisper under his heavy gaze and she had to lower her eyes to the floor. She had confessed so much and he hadn't said anything, for all she knew he felt nothing but pity for his pathetic Second-In-Command. His black combat boots moved into her field of vision as he stepped towards her.
"Sam?" He said hoarsely.
She closed her eyes at the sensation that him speaking her given name always caused.
She felt a calloused finger tip under her chin and with the slightest upward pressure allowed it to tilt her face up, her breath hitched at what she saw in his brown eyes.
He couldn't risk moving closer to her, so he stretched his long arm out so that only the tips of his fingers could touch her lovely face and coaxed her into looking at him. He gave her a slight smirk as he moved his fingers over her left cheek, brushing the single remaining tear away with his forefinger. He could feel the electric current that was always present whenever he touched her run through his fingertips and down his arm, where it seemed to settle in his chest with an almost alien feeling of warmth.
His touch was warm on her cool face and sent heated waves through her body to pool in her chest and stomach.
They stood for some time, silently communicating their feelings and a bright smile spread slowly over her face, lighting the corners of her eyes. Jack winked at her and let his hand drop and without another word he turned and strode out the front door, leaving her still standing in her living room.
She blinked when she heard the soft click of her front door closing behind him and found herself frowning, looking around her house wondering what to do with herself now!
Sam woke to the shrill of the telephone by her bed the next morning. She looked at the clock, it was 0600 but this was supposed to be her day off. Groaning she rolled over picking up the receiver and placing it to her ear, "Carter." She barked.
"Colonel Carter it's Sergeant Harriman. I'm sorry to disturb you Ma'am." Walter Harriman said nervously.
It was the SGC. Sam sat up, awake and alert now, running a hand through her hair she hoped it wasn't something serious. "It's alright Sergeant, what is it?"
"General O'Neill has had to make an urgent trip to Washington Ma'am" He said.
Sam sat, clutching the phone to ear tightly.
Sergeant Harriman, feeling a little disconcerted by the Colonel's prolonged silence continued haltingly. "Ah Ma'am? We need you to take command of the base during the General's absence ma'am."
Sam shook herself, "Yes sergeant, I'll be there in about an hour." She said and hung up without waiting for a reply.
The General had gone to Washington, leaving her in command of the base. A gigantic grin spread across Sam's features as she remembered what the alternate Janet had told her.
A/N: This was actually one of the most difficult chapters to write. I tried to keep them in character, but I don't know if I pulled it off, it was hard to know what they would say and how they would say it in a situation like this. Anyway I'm done agonising over it, please let me know what you think : )