A mixture of euphoria and anxiety. A detestable feeling of hopelessness, yet hopeful at the same time. Absent in reality but present in the realm of dreams. Unable to fight, yet not willing to give up. Like a fuse that's about to blow up. Restless, agitated.
The unspoken question of 'Is this what love is?' is probably going to be left unanswered. For now.
A whole week had fluttered by quickly since then, when Kuroo nearly made Tsukishima's heart blast out of his chest. Kuroo hadn't contacted him since then, and it's somehow kept Tsukishima on edge every single time he looks at his phone and finds the absence of Kuroo's name on his display screen.
Why am I even feeling this way. The thought made Tsukishima felt pettish for once.
Tsukishima was walking on his way home from university classes, kicking tiny rocks and pebbles along the way to the train station. His headphones were blaring rock music into his ears in attempt to drown out supposedly 'unnecessary' and 'energy consuming' thoughts, only to find out that the rock music was the one being consumed by his thoughts. He found himself walking pass the cake shop he and Kuroo went to the other time, and had instinctively peeked inside through the glass panel, eyes darting to the most conspicuous place; right to where they were sitting last time. A blurry, semi-transparent image of Kuroo and himself suddenly appeared, sitting at the far end of the shop. And like a slightly broken VHS tape, he could see a replay of what happened last time; a slightly enthused Kuroo taking the strawberry from him, and then putting it in his mouth.
He felt blush form around his cheeks, but at the same time, he felt his heart ache, like it was being clenched from the inside.
I want to feel that way another time.
Would it be possible?
With the one he loved, it would most likely be, or so he thought. He then tried imagining him and Yamaguchi sitting there, conversing over a steamy cup of coffee and green tea latte. And as if on cue, the conversation they had the other time crossed his mind.
"I have a boyfriend…"
Tsukishima broke into a sweat and quickened his steps, trying to shake off that painful part of his memory with Yamaguchi away. Out of all the times with Yamaguchi, it just had to be that one, the one he somehow remembered the most vividly.
Maybe not with Yamaguchi. After all, the one who made him feel this way was Kuroo, not Yamaguchi. The one he's been re-creating memories with was Kuroo, not Yamaguchi. The one who broke his rhythm and made him lose his footing was Kuroo, not Yamaguchi.
Kuroo was… different, or at least Tsukishima think so. Despite hurling hurtful remarks like darts, (Kuroo being the dart board, and Tsukishima hitting bullseye every single time), Kuroo never seemed to mind, he never seemed to take them to heart. Instead he throws back a better comeback, one that makes Tsukishima stagger uncontrollably between mere friendship and lovers.
Before Tsukishima could realise it himself, his hand had began to reach for his jeans pocket and fishing out his phone, fully intending to contact the cause of the storm in his heart. Just then, his phone started to vibrate against his hand, and when he peered over to the display screen of his phone, the name of the caller was the one absent this whole time; the one he had, secretly, been waiting for.
"Hello?"
The voice at the other end of the line chuckled a bit as it crackled through God knows how many kilometers. "You're unusually quick in picking up the call."
Tsukishima felt unprepared all of the sudden, even though he was gonna call Kuroo that time. How should he act? What should he say? "I was just going to call you," Tsukishima said, stopping on his tracks for a while. This part of Kuroo he definitely hates. The part of Kuroo that could remain calm and collected even after what happened the last time they met, even if it's just on the surface.
"What a coincidence!" Kuroo's voice sounded a bit little more excited than Tsukishima had expected, and a little too cheerful for the situation.
"What do you want?" Tsukishima asked.
Kuroo heaved a sigh and said, "Uh, listen Tsukki. About the other time-"
Tsukishima could've swore he felt his skipped a beat. As much as he wanted to talk to Kuroo, that was the one topic he'd like to avoid.
"I- I want to apologise." Kuroo said, his voice sounded a little hesitant, and also a little too far. "But I want to say it properly so.. if it's possible..when are you free?"
"Yo, Tsukki."
Tsukishima was walking back from university classes, and in another minute he's right in front of his apartment door, as usual. As usual but with Kuroo waiting outside, with Kuroo dressed a little too nicely, with Kuroo being a little too polite, with Kuroo keeping them both in a safe distance. There was something unsettling feeling about Kuroo, something smelled like bad news, but it wasn't from expression or his voice and it wasn't from his eyes either. It was just what Tsukishima felt after hanging out with Kuroo. Tsukishima could feel the air of awkwardness around them both, but tried his best to keep his composure. Maybe Kuroo wasn't as calm and collected as he thought.
"Come on in," Tsukishima said, gesturing Kuroo to his apartment. The usual Tsukishima would find himself getting flustered every time he saw Kuroo (at least for the past for weeks), but after the not so normal presentation of Kuroo, he was more confused than nervous.
"Pardon my intrusion," Kuroo said softly as he took off his shoes, which Tsukishima find rather strange. The usual Kuroo would just barge in without saying anything, the usual Kuroo would start being extra clingy towards him and start teasing him endlessly.
As soon as they both settled down around the coffee table, sitting face to face, Kuroo started. "Ah right, I have something for you," Kuroo said as he handed the box he had brought along to Tsukishima.
"Oh? What's this?" Tsukishima asked, curiously peeking inside, tugging a little at the box.
Kuroo smirked a little and said, "Your favourite."
"Ah, so you do know," the other boy replied as soon as he found out what was inside, his voice feigning his surprise.
"Anyways, about last time, I'm sorry!" Kuroo said, raising his voice a little, "I might have gone a little too far. Actually, I definitely have gone too far."
Tsukishima, though a little taken aback by Kuroo, said, "Well, I can't say it's fine but the past is the past, there's very little we could do about it."
"I do hope you can forgive me," Kuroo said, his head bowed down.
"Okay, but can you please cut it out? It's kind of creeping me out," Tsukishima said, slightly adjusting his own seating position. "You're sort of being very depressing."
Kuroo heaved a sigh and started scratching the back of his head. "Actually, well…"
"What? What is it? If it has something to do with me then tell me. If it doesn't then you can keep it to yourself," Tsukishima said.
"A few days ago, I accidentally met your little freckled angel and we talked," Kuroo said, faking a little laugh. "Yeah well, you know! He was kinda cute…"
Tsukishima let out a slight cough and said, "Please get to your point."
"Uh, no I mean, I heard a little about his love live and such. Apparently, he liked you back in high school," Kuroo finally said, and when those last few words rolled out his mouth, it struck through Tsukishima's heart, sunk a little too deep, and hurt a little too much.
This chapter came out really late as usual x'D I am extremely sorry about that. But after reading the reviews and finding out that there are people waiting for updates makes me really happy! xD I have promised myself that I would finish writing this fanfic no matter what, so until then, I do hope that you all would be willing to stick through and last but not least, thank you very much for reading this! xD