Written while listening to "Kodaline - All I Want"
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"Tori?"
Oh, God.
I voice that thought out loud as I'm forced into consciousness by sunlight hitting my eyelids.
"Nope. Just little ole me," someone smirks next to me. I inhale a familiar spicy scent. Jade.
"Ugh," I groan miserably and blindly grab a pillow to shield myself from her, no doubt, smirking gaze. Just my luck she's the one to witness me at this point of my life.
Come to think about it… Why is she the one to be here?
"What… what are you doing here?" I manage to say with a scratchy voice. The sound is muffled by the pillow I'm still pressing my face against.
She pauses before answering.
"Caroline had some things to take care of. I stayed to take care of you."
The simplicity of that statement leaves me breathless.
I stayed to take care of you.
"It's not that I'm not happy you're here," I say softly, sitting up so I can face her properly. "It's just, as far as I remember, she's not your biggest fan, and last night after my royal fuck-up she must hate you even more."
"Yeah, well, last night certainly didn't strengthen my loving relationship with CareBear," she snorts, slightly shifting herself on the corner of my bed. "But… She's a lot of things. Forgiving is one of them." Jade smirks. "She did promise to cut off my balls if I hurt you, and when I pointed out I didn't have any, she said she'd make sure it'd hurt nonetheless. I'm both scared and impressed."
"You and me both. I have to deal with her on a daily basis," I laugh. It dies out pretty quickly as all the humiliating details from last night flood my brain. "Jade, I'm… I'm really sorry. I demand space from you and then I do stupid things like that. I just… I'm really sorry."
"Don't. I get it." She cocks her head to the right as she studies me, her gaze growing intense. "I miss you, too."
Just like that, the awkward morning turns into something else entirely as she smolders me with her gaze. Jade seems to sense the shift as well, because she withdraws from me with a frown.
"Sorry, um…"
"No, it's me who's sorry in all of this."
Her stare lets me know she wasn't talking about last night. I stare back, and she knows I get it.
"I uh, I guess you'd like to start your morning routine right now?..."
"Yes!" I cling to a safe topic that's not heavily loaded with sexual tension, unlike everything else surrounding us. "I don't feel so hot after last night."
"Right." She rises to her feet, uncertainty all over her as she bites her lip. "Do you… Should I leave?"
"No!" Tori, what are you doing? "I mean, you don't have to. I think we need to talk, anyway. There are some things to discuss."
"If Beck's newfound gayness is one the list, count me in," she smirks again in an attempt to lift the mood.
"Jade," I chide her. "He might be bi. We don't know, and that's why we're not discussing it until he talks to us about it."
She just shrugs.
"I'll leave you to that shower."
As soon as she exits the room with one last glance at me, I collapse back into the bed with my hand over my eyes as I groan.
What am I doing?
"So… I'm afraid to ask, but is Klaus alive?"
Jade grumbles something under her breath as she sets a cup of coffee in front of me.
"What was that, I didn't quite catch that?..."
"He's peachy!" She brightly announces out loud, grabbing an apple. "I didn't do anything, I swear," she fesses up under my questioning stare.
I raise an eyebrow, unconvinced. There's no point in asking more, though, and I'm going to get everything out of Caroline anyway. I doubt she did much damage to Care's boyfriend. Well, I hope she didn't.
"Why are you so concerned about him, anyway? Guy's an ass."
"So are you."
"So you're saying you're concerned about me?"
I sigh, and Jade immediately frowns, berating herself.
"Tori, I didn't mean to push you-"
"We need to talk," I interrupt her, standing up and walking to the couch with her in tow. Jade sits after me, keeping a respectful distance. Surprising.
I look around, gathering the courage to start the conversation and idly noticing how clean everything was. Jade, or Caroline, must've taken care of it while I was passed out.
"Tori-"
"We should have sex," I blurt. Then I wince. The whole speech sounded a lot better in my head while I showered.
"…W-what?"
Jade looks completely shocked. In all honesty, I don't blame her.
"Look, the thing is," I start to try and make her understand my definitely faulty logic. "Last night helped me realize some things. You're used to me – no, let me finish," I stop her before she interrupts me. "We're used to each other. We're also pretty addicted to each other in a physical sense. Now, with your sudden feelings for me-"
"They're not sudden," she snaps, a glimpse of old Jade shining through. "I always had them, and you know it."
"Well it's hard to believe that after all the shit you pulled over the years!" I snap back, irritated. God, she fires me up so fast.
"I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that I did and do love you!" She shoots to her feet, and I briefly wonder how the hell did everything escalate so quickly. "I'm not… I don't know how to love very well," she continues, softer this time. "But I do know I love you, in whatever whacky fucked up way I'm able to."
"Everyone can love without hurting someone they claim to have feelings for," I sneer at her, pent-up frustration and hurt spilling out before I can catch it.
"I'm not everyone."
"Oh, trust me, I know that."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just what I said."
Jade growls under her breath, but I see through it. I see the way she's holding back a smirk, the way her eyes twinkle with slight mirth, like she's not sure if she wants to strangle me or kiss me to shut me up. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying it on some level, too. It reminded us of what we used to be. How we riled each other up and bickered back and forth only to end up in bed together, laughing and kissing and laughing more without a care in the world.
The same happens again, all over again, as I'm suddenly tangled up in her and I catch her breath over her lips with mine.
"You're impossible," she whispers against my mouth, squeezing me lightly as she drops another kiss on the corner of my lips.
"Thank you," I whisper back, catching her lips, again and again and again until we're on the couch and she's warm and soft under my touch and-
"Wait."
Dammit.
"Why?" I hurriedly breathe out. "What for?"
"Tori," she slightly pushes me so she can sit. "What are you doing? What's going on? Because I'm getting all kinds of mixed signals here. You break up with me, and I'm not allowed to even be in the same room as you, and now you're all over me like a cat in heat. What's…" she searches my face with her worried eyes. "What's wrong?"
What's not?
I sigh, running fingers through my damp tousled hair as she continues to study me. What was I doing, really? Well, I knew clearly what my intentions were.
Jade liked having sex with me. I'd even dare to say she loved sex with me. And that's what it was all about. It had to be it. She was confusing her physical – undoubtedly strong, but purely physical – attraction to me for love, and I figured…. I thought if I gave her that, she'd realize that, too, and finally back off.
I know what a fucked up plan that is. But it beats having her win my heart all over again by surprising me with grand romantic gestures, only to grow bored of me and toss me aside, finally shattering me to pieces.
Of course, there was one other option that was healthy and not threatening to my mental health – cut her out of my life for good. But, you see, we're tied, her and I. I missed her, and I'm tired of all the grown up responsible crap, and I simply want her near me.
I'm selfish, and I admit it, and damn it feels good to go after something you want. Even if that thing will destroy me further beyond.
"I just need you," I manage finally, looking up to catch her eyes with mine. "I need you, Jade," I repeat, shakily holding my hand out. She takes it with no hesitation. "And… I just-"
She's kissing me again, tenderly, breaking my heartstrings one by one. I'm reminded once again that there are ground rules to lay down as she gently nuzzles my neck.
"It doesn't change anything," I breathe out, cupping her face in my hands. "Just… This once. But it doesn't change anything."
Jade's not quick enough to hide the hurt flashing in her eyes.
"I'm serious. I can't give you more than this," I whisper, trying to make her understand, but without spelling this out. Because if I do, she'll realize what I'm doing, and just to spite me she'll start to prove me wrong. Even though I'm right.
"It's not enough for me, but I'll settle for that now," she whispers back, making no move to release me from her gentle hold. "And it changes everything."
Soon, we're upstairs, and we're one as we breathe and cry and whimper. She's holding me like I'm made of glass, and like I'm gonna be swept by wind and rushed away from her any time. She's everywhere once again; everything's a blur and vividly detailed at the same time. Her lips, her hands, her caresses imprint themselves in my memory, a mark I'll carry around till the end; her name a cry on my lips and my name on hers. I have no idea how long we had each other. I still can't shake the feeling it's my biggest mistake yet, and Jade absolutely knows that, because she's soothing me with her words and whispered love as we come together.
She's fast asleep, and I'm drifting off as well, curled up against her, when I whisper my last argument.
"No, it doesn't."
Somehow, I don't believe myself for a second.