La Douleur Exquise: - the exquisite pain and agony of wanting someone who doesn't want you
She hadn't meant for him to find out like this.
She had wanted to tell him the last time she saw him, had wanted to relieve her conscience from the lie she made herself believe every time she looked into his elusive eyes; that she had no feelings for him. And although she knew it was a weak and ridiculous lie, she thought at least trying to act by it would allow for her to get through the weekend without feeling anything. Feeling nothing, in her mind, was better than feeling the immense heartbreak and sadness that consumed her every waking and breathing moment.
She was unfortunately, incorrect.
Sure, it easier at the beginning of the weekend to keep her emotions masked - she kept Noah and him on her mind to help relieve the obvious tension between them. Her mind even drifted to the dinner party she and Barba had attended the previous Friday. Never before had she seen him so loose and rambunctious – she was convinced she'd seen him eyeing a blonde, dashing fellow in the corner of the ballroom. The thought made her happy, but then her mind snapped back into the harsh reality she was emerged in.
She had continued to be strong all up until that last night. Within a few moments of just being near him she'd lost all previous strength she had fought so hard to keep. She knew she was in deep because of his presence, but she was Olivia Benson for Christ's sake - she knew how to deal with shoving aside her emotions. She had done it countless times before. But when he gave her that class smirk, when his arm not so subtly brushed up against hers, she lost all control over her body, over her thoughts.
It especially hit her when he gave her that look. Never before had she seen someone look at her with such compassion and density – the ability to read her mind before even she knew what she wanted to say.
No previous man, not even Brian, had the ability to sift through the inner workings of her mind like Hank did. She was unsure how she felt about this, however felt comfort in knowing someone understood the real Olivia Benson on levels no one else had the capacity to.
"You know what Erin went through, that can, uh, that can screw a person up for a while," she said softly.
I know who you're really talking about Olivia.
"Well for what it's worth, she's got me to walk her through," he smiled back.
I wish I could walk you through too, Olivia.
"That's not such a bad thing," she responded, slowly glancing upwards to look into his eyes.
You should be here, with me, Olivia. Don't fight this.
"I wish you were here more often," he responded, not daring to break the intense eye contact they were holding.
I love you Olivia.
Without him saying what he was truly thinking she knew exactly what he had meant, what he had felt, but she couldn't do anything but smile softly. He was waiting back for her at home; she couldn't act with her heart as she wished she was able to. Her true love was not a strength, but rather a weakness that would only devour her if she let it consume her.
And as if standing through that conversation wasn't hard enough, turning her back and walking away from him proved even more difficult. It took every ounce of power she drew from the pits of her stomach to not look back and sprint straight into his strong arms. She knew he would pull her in for a tight hug and never let go; the kind of unconditional love one expresses without the exchange of sheer palaver, but rather through the simple moments and small actions no one takes actual mind to.
When had her life become so complicated – and why above all did her heart beat for one when she was with another?
That's what had made the whole event even more shattering than she'd ever imagined it.
She hadn't even been expecting him, therefore hadn't thought twice about opening the door when she heard the doorbell ring. Tucker had insisted they spend a quiet night at home, as he never found much time to take a night off and enjoy the simplicities of life. However, according to Tucker, such simplicities included the hit show House Hunters while consuming rather large amounts of ice cream by the means of a spoon.
His job unfortunately kept him busy all of the time, which Olivia hated, but never spoke out on that notion. She understood work was one of his top priorities, but she wished he thought about her and Noah more. It sometimes felt as if he didn't even acknowledge them. At least tonight he was making an effort.
So, Olivia had actually been excited to have a quiet night with him - a quiet night with her man. She had even asked Barba to babysit Noah at his place so the apartment would be open for whatever they had wanted to do.
She truly hadn't expected Tucker to be so consumed in the choices one may face when trying to select the "perfect" home.
But perhaps it was better that Tucker was occupied, she didn't want a rehash of what happened last time – their first time. Thinking about it to this day made her shudder, for all of the wrong reasons. When consummating your love for someone else, you should be thinking about that specific person while engaging in such activities, right?
And so when she opened the door she was certain that her draw dropped all the way to the floor when she saw who was waiting on the other side. What was he doing here, why was he standing not even a foot away from her when he was supposed to be in Chicago?
"Hank, I," she stuttered, unable to form any type of real sentence.
"Olivia, hi," he responded, a small smile forming on his face. She loved when he smiled; she knew it was the softer side that only she had the previous privilege of seeing shining through his rough, outer edges.
"Hank, not to be curt or anything, but why are you here?" she responded, slowly shutting the door behind her. She didn't want Tucker to hear any of this. This was her time with Hank, and her time only. She wanted to cherish her last seconds with him.
"To be honest, I don't really know. I had a weekend off, and I just wanted to see that smiling face of yours," he replied, looking down at the ground. His head quickly popped back up, his eyes looking squarely into hers. "My mind led me to the streets of Chicago, but my damn heart led me here."
She didn't know what to say. What could she say, after all, when her "boyfriend" was maybe 10 feet away in the room right behind her?
"Hank, I really don't know what to say," she whispered, barely audible. She knew it was wrong to want this, hell she knew it was illogical and absurd to want this. Her mind immediately began to list all of the reasons why this would never work: he would live thousands of miles away from her, she would only see him a few times, maybe, and above all she was in a relationship with another man.
"It's okay Olivia, I get that you can't really say anything, even if you wanted to, with him here." It pained him knowing that as she thought of him, if she did, she still didn't have the bravery to confess her true feelings.
"Hank, listen it's not like-" she tried, before he abruptly cut her off.
"Now Olivia, I deserve better than that and you know that," he replied testily. "I came here knowing that your heart will never be in this but hell I won't accept you lying to my face."
There was a pause in the conversation; neither had the strength to continue. It was only when Voight's cell phone went off that they both were brought back into reality.
"Yes, this is Voight," he muttered, sliding the answer button across the screen of his phone. "Yeah I'll be back soon, I'm just tying up some loose ends. Yeah yeah, I'll talk to you later."
He hung up the phone and quickly shoved into his pocket.
She knew what was coming next, they both did but it was he who initiated it. Before she had a chance to refuse, he pulled her in for a hug. It had been everything she'd imagined. She felt safer in that moment than she ever thought was possible, and dreaded knowing that such comfort would end soon.
"I love you Olivia," he whispered into her ear as he continued to hold her. "La Douleur Exquise," he added, before slowing pulling back. He smiled softly at her, reaching down to grab her hand.
She wasn't sure when she had begun crying, but as Hank's fingers intertwined with hers, tears were streaming down her face. She knew what he had meant in saying that – she just wished she had the will to prove him wrong. She knew Hank was the love of her life, her world, but she didn't want a chance at true happiness. With true happiness comes the insecurity of maintaining such, and she didn't want to live in a world in which one second he was hers and in another he was gone.
When she managed to stop crying, Hank was no where to be seen. He had left her, alone.
She only wished that he knew how she truly felt.
But, maybe he did, seeing as he was the only soul walking the Earth who knew her.
I am still trying to accept the fact that Tuckson is canon, so this is a quick attempt to subdue my anger. All mistakes are mine (excuse the errors as this was rather rushed but I needed to do this).