Gag Reel I
Author's Note:
Why a Gag Reel? *Grins* This is something special to thank you guys for being such great readers! Seriously, Five thousand views and over 40 followers!? You guys ROCK!
Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know that this story will be in script format. Anything that isn't said by the characters is said by the author/narrator to describe the characters movements, actions, or other descriptions. Grab the popcorn, put the kids to sleep, bring up some Weird Al (it helps, trust me), and get reading.
Ragna: Damn it...
Makoto: What's wrong with you?
Ragna: You mean other than having to endure another Gag Reel?
Makoto: Aw, come on; it's not that bad! Sure you get made fun of, but it's all in good fun!
Ragna: Easy for you to say; I've had to die in most of my gag reels. Except for the one I did in Continuum Shift, I had to die twice there… after being constantly traumatized by ghosts.
Makoto: Seriously? Ark Systems throw the poor guy a bone already!
The Reaper sarcastically put his hands into a begging position like a Labrador.
Ragna: Woof.
Makoto: Hehe, well dog jokes aside you should be safe for this one right?
Ragna: Beats me, I have no clue what we're doing.
Makoto: You didn't get the memo?
Ragna: No, I didn't. The author kept saying something about 'limprovising' or some crap like that. So what's the story?
Makoto: Another Nanaya family enactment.
Ragna cringed at the remembrance of Makoto's gag reel in Continuum Shift. During that little escapade he'd had to play the role of a baby, due to back luck, and communicate to other via strings of 'ga's' and 'goo's'. It didn't help matter that, due to the selection process, Terumi had somehow wound up as his mother and he'd tried to kill him. File that one under 'seriously effed up.'
Ragna: Shit, well time to grab the bib I guess.
Makoto: Actually, that's not going to be necessary. You're going to be playing yourself this time around.
Ragna: Huh, what do you mean?
Makoto: First off, the author already selected the actors for the script and arranged them in a way that would be, and I quote, "Endearing yet logical."
Ragna: Yeah... I don't trust that at all.
Makoto: *Sigh* The second reason is the setting. Instead of the 'new baby' thing we did last time, this time we're doing 'meet the parents.'
Ragna: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm meeting your family in a GAG REEL?!
Makoto: I don't like it either, but let's just give it a shot, alright?
Ragna: Fine… so where do we start?
Makoto: Since we have a new cast, shouldn't we begin by introducing them?
Ragna: All right then.
In the spur of the moment, Ragna made a small pretend camera with his index fingers and thumbs and focused on Makoto, who made her 'fist in the air' pose.
Ragna and Makoto, both grinning: ACTION!
The setting changes, now revealing the Nanaya household. It's small and homely… and inside a tree.
Makoto: All right from the top. *Ahem* Now the head of the Nanaya family would have to be my dad. He doesn't really tend to do things lightly, after all half my badassery came from him. He's always someone who you can look up to.
Papa Nanaya: Tch, why the hell am I in this second rate rewrite again?
Standing there, sporting his sword shaped like a lighter, wearing a belt saying 'FREEDOM' on it, and holding a lit cigarette in his mouth was the one, the only, SOL BADGUY… who was also wearing a tape-on set of squirrel ears and a tail. Ragna immediately cringed as he saw his older colleague, the two never met under good circumstances.
Ragna: Damn it. So this is how we're gonna go.
Papa/Sol after taking a puff: Quite the bitchin' and we'll all get through this faster, kid. Besides, I can at least play the part.
Makoto: *Cough* Well MY dad didn't smoke enough to give the entire family asthma through second hand! Light's out, grumpy!
With that, Makoto nabbed the ciggy from the Gear Hunter, threw it to the ground, and stomped it out with her foot. Sol glared menacingly at her; no messes with his smokes and gets away with it, NO ONE. As he vengefully charged his sword to incinerate the beastkin, Makoto continued in her directory.
Makoto: Behind any great man is an even greater woman, this saying definitely holds true in our family. Dad would've ended up in jail years ago if mom hadn't been there to talk some sense into him… and by talk I mean she ended up knocking him out with a frying pan on several occasions.
Papa/Sol, still charging his sword: What?
Mama Nanaya, in a monotone voice: Fredrick… so this is how we meet again. How odd.
In his pure shock Sol lost his grip on his sword, the doomsday device hit the floor with a loud clang. Standing in front of him was the original gear and one of the few individuals who could have claimed to have started the Crusades. Justice, the Harbinger of Doom… who was now his wife.
Papa/Sol: WHAT THE HELL!?
Mama/Justice: I don't really think it's proper to swear in front of our child, especially when she's brought her boyfriend over. Won't you at least try to make a good first impression?
Ragna, looking at Makoto: Wait, so now your mom's the Harbinger of Doom? …Sweet.
Makoto: Sweet?!
Ragna with a smug grin: What? She can keep that guns blazing dad of yours in his place and is one of the few people who can talk him down. I think it's a match made in heaven… or is it hell?
Papa/S… alright screw it, Sol Dadguy: Hey Reaper, keep this up and I'll chalk you up for another Gag Reel you've died in.
Ragna: You and what army pops?
Makoto: My fam's getting almost as chaotic as the last one. What's next on the list, Mikoto right?
Mikoto (seductively): Hey boys…
Makoto: WHY GOD?! My little sister is our bookkeeper, an amazing one at that! Not some ugly slut with a hormone disorder!
Mikoto/I-NO: You're just jealous because I have better boobs than you. You have to rely on your little underboob fad to have any chance of getting lai-
WHACK!
Mikoto/I-NO (in pain): ARRRGGH! That was my forehead, you piece of shit!
Ragna (angry): Insult her again and I'll impale you on Blood-Scythe!
Mikoto/I-NO (seductively): Oh? Is that an innuendo?
Fed up with Terumi's Guilty Gear counterpart, Ragna unslung his sword and smashed it against I-NO's skull. Since it was the blunt end, it didn't kill the time witch (wouldn't matter in the cannon universe anyways), but it did hurt her like hell before she fell unconscious.
Ragna: Well, she should stay out for a while.
Mama/Justice: Someone's clearly the protective type.
Sol Dadguy: Eh, maybe he isn't a complete ass… just a really big one.
Ragna: Charming. Alright, who's next?
Makoto: That'd be Mukoto, my klutzy older brother. Come on out Mukoto!
Mukoto (very, very awkwardly): Er… right sis… Well e-here's your older bruv- I mean brother!
Ragna: Uh, you okay? You look like you're about to choke on your own words.
Mukoto/Axl: Arg! I'm sorry, really I am! It's just 'ard to talk without the accent!
Makoto: Great, now I feel bad… Oh! My brother did try talking with an accent for a while, maybe this can be him accomplishing it.
Mukoto/Axl: Blimey, really? Cheers sis, cheers!
Ragna: *Sigh* Well, we narrowly avoided THAT breakdown. Anyways, next up should be the twins right? Mekoto and Mokoto, right?
Mekoto and Mokoto: That's us!
Holding hands were two very young individuals. One was a young girl in a brown pirate outfit and the other was wearing a blue nun's outfit, had long blonde hair, and carried a yo-yo.
Ragna: I thought the twins were supposed to be a boy and a girl; all I see are two girls.
Makoto: Yeah, that's the genders of the actual twins; maybe they ran out of fitting actors?
Mekoto/Bridget: Well, actually…
Ragna: Huh? Oh! Sorry about that…
Mokoto: Don't worry, it was an honest mistake.
Mokoto/May: He just called you a girl! I don't really think that qualifies as an honest mistake.
Mekoto/Bridget: But he didn't mean any harm, so it's alright.
Sol Dadguy: I don't see how anyone could be idiotic enough to think Bridget's a girl. I could tell right from the get-go.
Ragna, Makoto, Axl, and May: BULL!
Mama/Justice: In any case, I believe that summarizes the family.
Makoto: Almost, see the thing is my mom actually DID have a baby boy. Cute little tyke was named Michael Nanaya, after his grandfather. But, I guess we don't have to add him in here.
Michael: Goo! (Why the hell'd it have to be me!?)
Standing there was a blonde haired boy wearing an eye-patch. He looked like he might be in his late teens, but he was clearly suffering from this indignity of playing Ragna's previous role.
Ragna: Wait, SIN!?
Michael/Sin: Ga goo goo goo (It's because I'm technically only 3 years old! The old man made me do this after he knocked me unconscious and left my on the side of the stage!)
Ragna: Yeesh, that's harsh.
Makoto: You can understand what he's saying?!
Ragna: I once had to be in his shoes; I know the language.
Makoto: You're just randomly saying stereotypical baby noises! How the HELL is that a language?
Ragna: No clue, just roll with it.
Makoto: Ugh! Well now that we have the cast introduced, I guess we should move onto dinner, that's where the real play takes place.
*Scene change, dinner*
Mukoto/Axl: 'Lease pass the roasted walnuts, sis.
Makoto: Look, just because we're squirrels you don't have to be literal about it. My family had plenty of other things to eat besides tree nuts.
Mokoto/May: Really? What have you had that didn't involve nuts in some way?
Makoto: Well...Pass the damn walnuts Mekoto.
Mekoto/Bridget: Here you go sis.
Mama/Justice: So Ragna, Makoto tells us that you're a revolutionary.
Ragna (nervous): Uh... yeah, what about it?
Mama/Justice: It seems like a dangerous career, you aren't putting her in harms way... ARE YOU?
Ragna (terrified): Eep! N-no ma'am!
Mama/Justice: I'm happy to hear that.
Sol Dadguy: Who's being put in his place now, runt?
Ragna: Grrr... So tell me Mr. Nanaya, how do YOU provide for your family?
Sol Dadguy: I hunt bounties, yours is becoming more interesting by the second Reaper.
Mikoto/I-NO (in a George Takei voice): OH MY!
Ragna and Sol Dadguy: SHUT UP!
Mekoto/Bridget: Oh my what?
Mikoto/I-NO: Mom! Daddy's being mean to me!
Mama/Justice: Good.
Mikoto/I-NO: Good!?
Michael/Sin: Goo ga ga goo! (He's going easy on you! He fricking HITS me when I'm mad!)
Ragna: Wow, parent abuse much? And on a baby, really.
Michael/Sin: Ga goo goo!...ga. (You tell him! ...wait.)
Sol Dadguy: Like you're any better mister 'I'm going to kill my little sister'.
Silence.
Ragna (Dark Aura): What... was... THAT?!
Sol Dadguy (Casual): Really if you think I'm mean, we should look back at your record, skipping over the half that's just you losing to EVERYONE.
Ragna (mad): THAT was for plot development! I'm sick of you thinking that you're better than me just because you have seniority!
It's pretty obvious here that the two were quickly exiting the play and turning into a usual debate between the two.
Sol Dadguy (still casual): Well what do you have to answer for it? You're having your protagonist position be challenged by Kagura! Kagura! He was only introduced last game for Hades sake!
Ragna (pissed): That was a Gag Reel! And speaking of Gag's, I at least have a sense of humor, unlike someone who doesn't know the first thing about having a personality.
Makoto: Ragna, Dad, please stop fighting.
Sol Dadguy (mockingly): Yeah, you got personality alright. Like your reaction they gave you as you were massacred in D***hBattle.
…
…
…
Mukoto/Axl (slightly defeated): Ah, bucket. Did 'e really jus' say that?
WHAM! There was now a hole in the wall that looked like an outline of Sol Badguy. Ragna's right fist was smoking from the impact of his punch on the prototype gear. The rest of the cast was awestruck aside from Makoto.
Makoto: He did Mukoto, he did.
Ragna, while jumping through the hole (furious): Hey flame brain! Let's test that theory! Right here, Right now!
Sol Dadguy (no longer casual): Bring it on you Dante wannabe!
Ragna (Enraged): I'd rather be that than a Slash partner with Ky AND Sin!
Sol Dadguy (a word for beyond pissed): NOW YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT! DRAGON INSTALL!
Ragna: BLAZBLUE ACTIVATE!
The two continued to clash outside leaving the cast inside gawking as the two titans struggled against each other. Sol did try to vaporize Ragna, but the Reaper was able to see the move coming and dodge it. The intense battle wasn't going to be over anytime soon.
Makoto sighed, looked at her insane 'family,' her play written father fighting her love interest, and finally the camera.
Makoto (completely serious): And that's how Ragna and I decided to elope.
A/N: I don't own BlazBlue, Guilty Gear, or anything else I made a reference to in this... also Sol Dadguy was a pun created on DeviantArt, don't own that either.
First off, Ragna is not and will never be a Dante wannabe, the Slash fiction between Sol and Ky is a real thing, and personally, I disagree with Screw Attack... they always kill my favorite characters.
Reviews are important this chapter due to my first time writing humor. Thank for your time!
Well, this marks the end of my first Gag Reel. I'm not the best at humor, but I felt somewhat rushed to get the chapter out, so I took my best shot.
Next chapter will mark the beginning of the second arc.
Ciao.