Disclaimer: Everything Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.
Author's Note: This was hands down the HARDEST chapter I have ever written for this story. I probably re-read it and edited it like ten times until I thought it was perfect. And because I love all of my readers for their amazing support, this chapter comes early, just in time for Christmas! Happy Holidays, everyone! I hope you enjoy your present! :)
Edward POV
"Where's Bella?" Alice asked me as I approached our table.
"She uh…she wasn't feeling well, so Rose called her a cab," I lied easily, taking my seat beside her and glancing around the enormous banquet hall, watching couples dancing happily with one another and having a good time.
That should be us.
"Why didn't you go with her?" Alice demanded, seeming a bit angry. I could see why she would be upset. Bella was her best friend and I was her husband…technically. If she had really been sick, the right thing to do would have been to go with her. But it was a lie—just like every other lie we had created on this trip—so it didn't matter.
"I wanted to stay and support Emmett," I answered. It was true. I wanted to be here for Emmett since I couldn't be here for him through out the last few years. "And Bella wanted me to stay. You know how stubborn she is." I let out a laugh and I knew immediately that it sounded way too forced.
"Oookay," Alice said, obviously not buying it, but deciding to let it go.
I spent the rest of the evening talking and spending time with my family. I didn't want to think about Bella and how she had walked away from me…again…but it was hard when my mother and father or Alice and Jasper would bring her up every five minutes, asking me to call her, to make sure she was feeling better. I actually had to go outside and pretend like I was calling her a couple of times just to placate them.
"You doing alright, Edward?" Rosalie asked as she approached the open bar I had been vacating for the majority of the evening.
I nodded and took another drink of my whiskey, enjoying the burn as it made its way down my throat. "Fucking fantastic," I quipped sarcastically.
I could tell Rosalie struggled to get her breathing under control and remain even tempered. She hated when anyone gave her an attitude—especially me.
"Alright, you've been drinking so I'll let that slide," she said quietly. "But seriously…you and Bella…you need to talk, Edward. You know that, right?"
I chuckled quietly and looked down at my now empty glass. Rosalie must not have liked my silent response. "You know that, right, Edward?" she asked again, firmer this time.
I looked up at her and released a heavy gulp of air, smiling a bit drunkenly. "Does it really fucking matter anymore? Honestly, does it?" She rolled her eyes at my response, but I wasn't going to let her get off that easy. "No, seriously, does it matter, Rose?" I asked again, grabbing her arm a little too roughly because she had turned and tried to walk away. "Tell me it matters…look me in the eye and tell me it fucking matters." I knew I was far too close and holding her a little too tight, but the alcohol mixed with all of the frustration was getting the best of me.
"You've been drinking, Edward, okay? Please let me go," she said calmly. I didn't loosen my grip on her until Emmett arrived and yanked my hand off of her.
"What the hell, Edward?" he hissed quietly, rubbing Rosalie's arm. "Didn't I tell you to behave tonight? What the fuck are you doing?"
I shrugged and went to take a sip of the fresh glass of whiskey the bartender had just placed in front of me, but Emmett grabbed it out of my hand.
"No more drinks," he stated firmly. "We're about to leave, come on."
I sighed and ran a hand roughly through my hair before looking at Rosalie's shining, red eyes. I didn't mean to hurt her.
"I'm sorry, Rose," I said quietly, reaching out and touching her arm gently, rubbing where I had grasped her so tightly.
Emmett had walked off to get Alice and Jasper so I wasn't worried about him coming back and kicking my ass for putting my hands on her again. I was sure Rosalie would knee me in the balls for touching her again, but she shocked the hell out of me by placing her hand gently on mine and smiling sadly.
"It's okay, Edward. Just…it's okay," she sighed. I knew she wanted to say more, but I was thankful she didn't.
I pulled away from her as I saw Emmett coming back, Alice and Jasper in tow. I had left my suit jacket on the chair at our table so I told everyone I would meet them out front. They were a little skeptical since I had obviously been drinking, but I told them I wasn't immobile—I could walk the few steps to the table.
The banquet hall was quickly becoming deserted as I grabbed my suit jacket and put it back on. I turned around to walk to the exit when I saw her sitting at the table beside me, smirking.
"Hey, you," she said in what I'm sure was meant to be a seductive voice. "I didn't see your precious wife anywhere. Did you guys have a fight?" She made a mock sad face and I simply rolled my eyes at her as I started to pass by. She stood up, blocking my way.
"Tanya, move," I said firmly, not in the mood for this, especially tonight.
"Edward," she purred, placing her hand on my chest and the other behind my neck. I quickly backed away from her and pulled her hands off of me.
"Tanya, stop! Haven't you done enough damage?" My head was pounding and my voice sounded much louder than I would have liked.
"Apparently not," she shot back, still smirking.
This was all just a fucking game to her. She was the predator and I was her prey. The challenge was Bella, but Tanya would never win because she could never measure up to be half the woman Bella was. These thoughts—Tanya fucking being here—sobered me up rather quickly at the moment and I knew it was time to tell her to back the fuck off. Enough with being gentlemanly; she obviously couldn't take the hint.
"This isn't a fucking game, Tanya, this is my life. Stop screwing with it. I'm married and I love Bella more than anything. So this has to stop. Now."
She stood there staring at me for the longest moment and for a second, I was afraid she would try seducing me again. She spoke again after a few moments had passed. The evil glint in her eyes was now replaced by a foreign emotion I couldn't quite identify.
"It could have been fun. You and me," she said wistfully, smiling. It wasn't an evil smile anymore.
I shook my head. "Bella is it for me."
She laughed quietly and looked down, shaking her head. I figured she didn't have anything more to say so I decided it was time for me to leave. I just wanted Tanya out of mine and Bella's life for good.
"Alright, well, good luck with everything here in Seattle," I said dismissively as I walked past her toward the exit.
"I'm actually moving to Oregon in a couple of weeks. I got a job down there…a real job," she said. I wasn't sure why she had told me that, but I turned around and looked at her anyways. "Maybe I'll have better luck with men there," she laughed tightly.
"Yea…maybe single men," I bit back, far from joking.
"Maybe," she relented disinterestedly as she eyed me up and down. I had had enough of her scrutinizing gaze. Tanya would never be on good terms with me and she would certainly never be on good terms with Bella. This was just how things would be left. There had been far too much damage done to forgive and forget and Tanya was definitely not making apologies anytime soon.
"Well, good luck in Oregon," I finally replied, turning to leave, hoping she wouldn't interject once again.
"I will. Have a nice life, Edward!" she called after me—almost sarcastically—as I made my way toward the front of the hotel without a backwards glance.
I stepped out into the cold Seattle air and walked over to Emmett's waiting Hummer, getting into the backseat beside Alice; Jasper was seated on the other side of her.
I looked out the window just as Tanya was stepping out and I actually breathed a sigh of relief. She was gone and I would hopefully never see her again. She would be moving to Oregon and wouldn't be in the same town as me or my family ever again. I could put it behind me now and move forward. I just needed one other person to move forward with me…and I couldn't do that if she kept walking away.
We drove to the lake house in silence. Once we stepped inside; Rosalie, Emmett, and I waited for Alice and Jasper to go to their rooms before the three of us headed upstairs. I wasn't going to sleep in the same room as Bella tonight—we both needed our space. I just didn't want to have to deal with Alice and Jasper's questions.
We said goodnight and went our separate ways—me and Emmett in his and Rosalie's room and Rosalie in mine and Bella's. I slept on the floor that night and it was the worst sleep I had ever gotten. Not just because I was sleeping on the floor, but because Bella was only two rooms down and I couldn't sleep next to her. Not tonight.
XxXxX
The day was already turning out to be shitty. I woke up to Emmett's ass in my face and when I went to take a shower, I realized with a start that Alice had used up all the hot water getting ready for work. On top of that, I almost fell down the stairs tripping over Jasper's shoes and burnt my hand on Rosalie's curling iron—who leaves that shit on the counter, still turned on, and leaves?
And lastly…Bella was gone.
In all honesty, that was what had really made the day go to hell. I woke up that morning with the preconceived notion that Bella would approach me and finally want to confront all of the fucked up emotions we had both been feeling, but Rosalie told me she had woken up early and gone out for a jog.
She was a master at avoiding this problem. And me.
This was strange for Bella. She never avoided problems like this before. Sure, she wouldn't fuss about little trivial things like me not putting the toilet seat down or leaving the refrigerator door open, but when it came to serious things that affected our relationship, we would always want to get right to the heart of it. I didn't understand why she was so afraid now. She knew we would have to talk eventually; she was just making this so much fucking harder for both of us. I wasn't sure how much more I could take.
I was alone in the house since everyone had gone to work and Bella still hadn't returned from her jog. I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I had showered, shaved, gotten dressed in casual jeans and a t-shirt, read a few chapters of a book, and played a little bit of piano in the den. I had started writing another piece, but as of now I only had the first few notes down. I was becoming restless and it wasn't even noon yet.
I was in the middle of searching the refrigerator for something to make for lunch when I heard the front door open. Without thinking, I bolted to the foyer and was sadly disappointed to see my mother.
Well, that sounds fucking horrible to say.
"Mom, what are you doing home?" I asked as I took the many shopping bags from her hands.
"Thank you, sweetheart," she replied, smiling at me as she set her purse down and led me to her and Carlisle's bedroom where I set the bags down in the corner. "I finished with my clients early today so I went shopping for a bit, visited the girls at work. Alice has Bella playing dress up," she joked, walking back to the kitchen and grabbing a bottled water from the fridge.
"Bella?" I asked with a start.
What was she doing at Rosalie and Alice's store?
My mother looked at me oddly before nodding slowly. "Yes. She went out for a jog and found her way to the boutique. Said she wanted some girl time," she smiled. "And it broke my heart that my son was home all alone, so I decided to come and take you to lunch."
My mind was still reeling with the fact that Bella was clearly avoiding me. Alice and Rosalie's store was miles from here. She must have been pretty fucking desperate to get away from me.
You know what? Fuck that. I was so sick of sitting here, playing scenarios and apologies in my head when all she did was ignore everything, including me—especially me. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair.
"Edward?" My mother's voice snapped me out of my haze and I looked at her. "Where did you go?" she asked, smiling, but at the same time looking worried.
I shook my head and forced out a small chuckle. "Nowhere. Just thinking about where my priorities have been lately."
She nodded slowly, eyeing me speculatively. "Is something bothering you, sweetheart?" she asked, placing a gentle hand on the side of my face.
"I'm fine. Let's go eat," I said, grabbing her hand.
Lunch with my mom was nice. I didn't have to pretend with her or make sure I was acting like a good husband because Bella wasn't there. She was with Rose and Alice. She had run out before I could talk to her this morning and was now hiding away with her two best friends. She was being a coward.
I spent the rest of the afternoon walking around Seattle with my mother, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. I told her how I was handling the law firm; she filled me in on all the excitement she experienced as a party planner and interior designer.
We headed home once the sun started to set because Alice had called and wondered where we were. Apparently she, Rosalie, and Bella had met Emmett and Jasper for dinner. They called to invite me, but I refused, saying I was enjoying my time with Esme and didn't want to intrude. Thankfully my mother wasn't within earshot, otherwise there would have been far too many questions needing to be answered.
The house was extremely quiet when we walked in. Carlisle was in the living room reading the newspaper while Alice and Jasper were playing chess on the floor.
"Where is everyone, honey?" my mother asked my father as she went and kissed him on the cheek, sitting on the chair's arm rest and placing her arm around his shoulder.
"Bella and Rosalie went for a walk," Carlisle replied, kissing Esme's cheek lovingly.
"Why didn't you go, Alice?" my mother asked her.
"They said they were going to talk about what to do for my bachelorette party and that I couldn't be there," Alice answered, smiling slightly.
I stood there watching Alice and Jasper play chess for a while as my parents continued having a quiet conversation filled with love and adoration. I suddenly felt extremely exhausted from the day and decided to call it an early night.
"I'm gonna head upstairs…lay down for a bit," I finally said, making my way to the steps.
"Ho-Ho-Ho-Hold it right there, little brother!" Emmett all but sang as he appeared from the kitchen, fully dressed in jeans and a thick jacket. "I thought we could head out on the lake. It's a beautiful night."
"Did you just call the night beautiful, Emmett?" Jasper teased, smiling widely.
"Shut the fuck up! I have feelings!" Emmett yelled boisterously.
"Language," Carlisle warned. "And it's a bit late to go out on the lake, don't you think, son?"
"Pish posh, father," Emmett bellowed, grabbing my arm and practically pushing me out the door.
"Take a jacket, Edward!" my mother called just as Emmett was closing the door.
"Fuck me," he mumbled, jittery, as he hurried in and grabbed my leather jacket, throwing it at me.
"What the fuck, Emmett?" I demanded, pulling the jacket on as he closed the front door and grabbed my arm once again. He dragged me to the back of the house and down the steps toward the lake.
"Dude, I gotta talk to you. Rose is out of her mind. She's planning something. Something bad," he declared shakily. He actually seemed…frightened.
"What is it?" I asked, suddenly worried. He walked to a small boat at the dock and hopped in. "I thought we were going on Carlisle's boat," I pointed out confused, looking around for the much larger boat.
"No, I said we were going out on the lake. I never specified by what means," he replied wryly.
"Emmett, what the fuck—" Before I had time to finish my statement, Emmett grabbed my arm and pulled me down into the boat. I didn't even have time to get up as he walked to the motor and started the little thing up. We started out into the darkness and I spotted Carlisle and Esme's boat out in the distance.
"Why is our boat out there, Em?" I asked him.
He rode right up to the side of the boat and tied a rope securing the two vessels to one another before he climbed into Carlisle's much more luxurious and spacious boat. I got onto the boat as well because I honestly didn't feel safe in the small little contraption we had ridden up on.
"Never mind how the boat got here," he waved off quickly. "Rosalie is on my nuts about this…this plan to get you and Bella back together, and frankly, she's scaring me."
I looked around and saw that we were smack dab in the middle of the lake. It just didn't make any sense for the boat to be out there in the middle of the lake this late at night without anyone having ridden it out there. Something wasn't right. But I didn't have time to dwell on that because Emmett was obviously freaking out…and that was never a good thing.
"What does she have planned?" I asked him cautiously.
He just shrugged and pulled me down to the cushioned seats circulating around the front of the boat. I sat down beside him and was about to speak when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs leading down to the lower level of the boat—the lower level included a kitchenette as well as a decent sized bedroom and bathroom.
Suddenly, Rosalie was walking up the stairs, Bella following close behind her. Bella seemed preoccupied with fixing the bottom of her jeans and didn't notice Emmett or I sitting there.
"Hey, boys," Rosalie smirked, looking behind her where Bella was. Bella's head suddenly shot up and she looked at the two of us, clearly shocked.
"Rosalie," Emmett nodded. "What brings you two out here?" he asked casually.
Rosalie smiled—it seemed like a private smile, like they were in on some inside joke—before she walked over to us and sat in the seats on the side of the boat.
"We were just in the neighborhood. Thought we'd come out on the lake. It's a beautiful night, huh, Em?" Rosalie said. Again, a private smile.
"What's going on?" Bella asked quietly, looking between Rosalie and Emmett.
Emmett sighed and shrugged. "It seems to me…that this is just one of those serendipitous moments in life. All four of us…coming together…sharing a common bond," he said dramatically. He got up and walked over to the steering wheel of the boat. I watched him for a few seconds before Rosalie's voice snapped me back to her.
"Edward, you didn't even say hi. That's rude," Rosalie scolded quietly.
I looked at her and narrowed my eyes. More games. "Enough, Rose. What's going on?"
She looked taken aback, but I knew it was all an act. She glanced over to where Emmett was now standing, arms crossed, watching us. They shared a long look before Rosalie got up and shook her head.
"Did you bring my purse, Emmett?" she suddenly asked, walking over to the small boat Emmett and I had arrived on.
"It's in there, sweetheart," he replied, pointing to the boat and stepping inside as Rosalie followed in behind him.
She searched the inside of the small boat for a few minutes before sighing loudly. "It's not here, Emmett," she huffed, sitting down.
I watched them in confusion before glancing at Bella. She was also looking at them, eyebrows knit tightly together in curiosity.
"Must be back at the house," Emmett shrugged. Suddenly, he untied the rope holding the small boat to Carlisle's. He started the engine and looked at Bella and me, smiling wickedly. "I told you she had a plan, Edward."
My mouth fell open as I stood up and walked over to the side of the boat. "What the hell are you guys doing?"
Emmett shrugged as he moved the boat far enough away so that I couldn't reach them.
"You guys are being so fucking stupid," Rosalie replied. "So…this is your punishment." She smiled at us smugly. "Head back, Em. I'm tired."
"Rose!" Bella yelled angrily. I hadn't even noticed she had walked over and was now standing beside me. "You guys are kidding, right?" she asked incredulously.
Suddenly, Emmett pulled something out of his jacket pocket. The keys to Carlisle's boat.
"You tell me, Bella," he replied smugly. "Are we kidding?" He didn't even allow us a chance to respond before taking off to the shore.
I stood there and watched—stunned—as the boat became smaller and smaller in the distance. I could just barely make out Emmett reaching the dock, securing the boat, and helping Rosalie out. Then…they just walked up the steps to the lake house and disappeared out of sight.
Holy Shit.
They weren't fucking kidding.
I looked at my watch—just past eight p.m. "Fuck," I muttered, walking over to the steering wheel and seeing no possible way to get the boat back to the dock.
For one, we were far enough away that swimming would be very long and very tiring. The temperature of the water was also being taken into account—it was probably freezing by now. And Bella. Bella couldn't swim.
"Shit," I mumbled, hitting the steering wheel roughly before going to the front of the boat and staring at the lake house in the distance, hoping by some miracle that this was some sick, twisted joke and Emmett and Rosalie would come running out any minute.
"Edward?" I heard Bella say softly.
"What?" I snapped back harshly. I clenched my eyes shut and chastised myself for not being able to control my anger. I was upset with her, yes, but I shouldn't have taken my frustrations about the situation out on her, too.
"Maybe we can…call Carlisle," she suggested quietly.
I slowly turned around and saw her standing there watching me timidly. "And say what, Bella?" I asked incredulously. "'Hey, Emmett and Rose stranded us out on the boat so we could talk about our problems. What problems, you ask? Oh, the ones we never deal with because some people walk away every time shit comes up.' Sorry, Bella, but I'd rather not have that conversation with my father, thanks." I turned back around, fuming.
"Hey." I turned around again when I heard her voice. "Can we…talk…now, then?" she asked, looking everywhere but at me.
I stared at her for the longest time before I just started fucking laughing. This was ridiculous. She wouldn't talk to me unless forced to? Now that she had no choice, she wanted to talk?
"Are you kidding me?" I asked incredulously, walking over to stand directly in front of her. "No, Bella, it doesn't work that way. You can't choose to ignore me or talk to me whenever you fucking wish."
"Edward—"
"No, Bella, I'm talking now," I quickly interrupted. "Do you know how it feels to pour my heart out to you and have you just walk away? What it's like to sit around, trying to figure out what I'm going to say to you when we talk, just to have you leave? Do you know what that's like?" She looked down, away from me, and I shook my head. "You can't even fucking look at me," I muttered as I walked to one of the seats and sat down, letting out a heavy breath.
Seconds passed. Minutes maybe. I wasn't sure how long I sat there before I felt Bella come to stand in front of me.
"I'm going to talk now," she murmured quietly, probably as a warning for me to not interrupt. "For so long, I sat back and watched girls fawn over you," she started, her voice shaking slightly. I didn't look up at her as she spoke. "I couldn't blame them. You were perfect. You still are. And I tried so hard to ignore them…to pretend it didn't bother me, but it did. And you never seemed to care. You just…brushed it off like it was nothing.
"And…I know…I know you didn't see them. I get that now. I get what you meant when you said that it works both ways. But, Edward, you never said anything!" she yelled, frustrated, before walking to the center of the boat.
I finally looked up and watched her as she spoke. "You never told me that guys looking at me bothered you. Never said it…hurt you to watch them staring at me. But I told you girls were just…waiting on the chance to jump you when I wasn't around and you'd just…you'd laugh. Like it was a joke. So I let it go. For a long time…I just let it go. Because I knew you loved me and I knew…you'd never hurt me.
"But then Tanya came along and I knew. I knew things were going to be different. I knew she would try something, but you just thought I was being paranoid. So I waited and waited and finally I figured you were right. That she wasn't dumb enough to go after a married man.
"But she did. And I stood there…and watched everything I had come to know fall apart right in front of me. After you constantly reassuring me nothing would happen. After you constantly brushing off my concerns...the only thing I could think about when I saw Tanya on you was that…there…he finally has someone whose worthy of him. Someone beautiful. And…I…I couldn't take it." She took a deep breath and shook her head, looking down as she sat in one of the other vacant seats.
I finally got up. It was my turn now.
"Bella, have I ever given you a reason to doubt me? Have I ever…shown interest in other girls?"
"No, but you still didn't listen! You never listen!" She was in my face now. I hadn't even seen her get up, but now she was standing right in front of me, tears streaming down her face.
"I know!" I shot back, frustrated with her and myself and this whole messed up situation. "Fuck, I know I hurt you! I know I shouldn't have ignored what you said, but none of those girls ever acted on their flirtations! They were all talk and I thought Tanya would be the same, but I was wrong! I know that!" I ran both of my hands roughly through my hair.
"And I know I never said anything about the guys staring at you, but that's because I knew they could look all they want! They could look all they want because at the end of the day, it was my bed you were sleeping in, Bella! Not there's!" I stood there, panting heavily for a moment, as I watched Bella absorb this. She looked down again.
"I have insecurity issues. It's not a secret," she said, her voice a quiet murmur compared to just moments ago. "I've had them for as long as I can remember. Being with you just… amplifies it because you're so…beautiful…" she trailed off quietly, crossing her arms over her chest and taking a few steps back from me, gazing out at the lake.
"You don't see yourself clearly at all," I whispered, shaking my head. "I understand you have some insecurities…and I'm trying my best to understand them and figure out a way to fucking…help you work through them…but have I ever given you a reason to doubt me?" I repeated my question from earlier, louder this time. "Have I ever given you a reason to doubt how I feel about you?
"I know I hurt you. You're right, I should have listened. I should have listened because if I had come to you…telling you how I felt about something that bothered me…and you just brushed it off, I'd feel like shit. And I'm so sorry I hurt you, Bella. I'm so fucking sorry." I felt more than heard my own voice waver and I knew I was now on the verge of tears myself. I hadn't cried in so fucking long. Not since the day Bella left three months ago.
"I never should have let things with Tanya get that far," I continued, having gotten back some control on my breathing. "And even though it works both ways…even though it kills me to see guys staring at you when you obviously don't notice…I never told you that it bothered me. I never…said anything to you. I just stared them down and they'd shit themselves."
She actually laughed through her tear-filled eyes when I said that, and that alone made my heart feel a little less heavy. I loved being the reason for that sound.
"I can't…I can't change the past, Bella. I can't go back—no matter how much I want to—and fix all the shit that happened. But, Bella, you need to understand that you're the smartest…most beautiful…most amazing woman in the world. And I don't want anyone else. I made a vow to you…a commitment, and I meant it. I'm yours forever. I'm yours until you tell me to leave. Tell me to leave, Bella, and I'll go," I declared brokenly.
It was true. If she didn't want me anymore…if she was over all this shit and wanted to move on…I'd let her. If she told me to walk away—as much as it would fucking hurt to leave—I'd go. Without a doubt…I'd make myself go. For her.
She was crying now and I wanted nothing more than to go to her and wrap my arms around her, but I kept myself in place.
"No," she whispered, shaking her head, still not looking at me. "I don't want you to go, Edward. Don't…don't go." She finally looked up at me, looking so broken, and I couldn't stop myself from taking a few steps towards her. But she put her hand up and effectively stopped me. It was quiet for a long time as I watched her stare at the ground and collect her thoughts.
"I should have trusted you," she whispered after a few moments of silence had passed. She finally looked up at me, locking her eyes confidently with mine. "I didn't ever mean to make you think I doubted us. I let my insecurities about myself screw up what we had. I know that now." She shook her head and sniffed back excess tears before continuing, staring straight into my eyes. "It just hurt…when you didn't seem to care that girls would…pine after you. But I understand now. I understand that…you never meant to hurt me. That you just…didn't get it."
I shook my head. "Still, I shouldn't have just sat back and done nothing. You stuck with me through everything and trusted me until Tanya came around. And I shouldn't have ignored you. I should have…fired her…done something. I shouldn't have just…" I trailed off, not sure what else to say. "Bella…I…I get it now," I said quietly, hoping she would understand that there was so much that I needed to show her…so much that couldn't be said, but rather needed to be done…to prove to her that I had changed. That I knew now what she meant.
She nodded minutely before sucking in a deep breath. "I'm sorry for what I did with Jacob," she blurted out suddenly. I looked at her again, wincing at the memory as she continued, "I was just so hurt. I thought that…I could use him to forget how I felt about you. That he would make me forget you." She lowered her head, seeming ashamed.
I watched her for a few minutes as she started fidgeting with her hands. "Did it work?" I asked warily, my voice trembling of its own accord.
She laughed humorlessly through tear-filled eyes, looking down at the ground before her gaze snapped back up to mine. "Not even close," she whispered.
I stood there awkwardly, my hand extended slightly out towards her. She was too far away and was clearly avoiding making eye contact with me again.
And just like that I realized that this was it—'The Event,' as I had so tactfully called it. I had built it up and built it up and now it had just happened…on accident. And here we were, standing across from each other, stranded on a boat.
There was still so much to work through…so much that needed to be discussed…but a lot of it would just have to be shown with time. We couldn't say we were over our problems and mistakes just like that because we weren't. We weren't even close. But this was a step forward. And I hoped that Bella realized this and wouldn't just walk away as if it didn't change anything. It changed everything.
"Bella…" I finally said after I couldn't handle the silence anymore.
"Edward, just…just kiss me," she whispered.
And just like that I walked the few steps over to her, grasped her face in both of my hands, and pressed my lips to hers. Our lips moved on their own, re-familiarizing themselves with the touch they had come to miss so much.
I slipped my tongue into her mouth and she moaned quietly as she massaged it gently with her own. I couldn't take it anymore—I needed her closer. Nothing was close enough. After three months of separation…and two weeks of false touches…I needed her closer.
I moved my hands down to her waist and grasped her tightly, bringing her body flush against mine as I continued kissing her, trailing my mouth down her chin to her jaw, then back up to her cheek and her eyes. I kissed everywhere—her temple, her forehead, her eyelids, her nose. And what really clutched my heart at that moment was the way she grasped onto me, like she was afraid she was going to lose me any minute .
I held her tighter, kissing her neck and enjoying the gasp of pleasure it elicited from her mouth. After a few more minutes of me trailing lingering kisses all over her face and neck, she suddenly pulled away.
Our eyes immediately locked with one another's, both of us panting heavily. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion at the coy look she was giving me and decided to just dive back in and kiss her again.
"Edward, make love to me," she whispered suddenly, moving her head back so she could look at me.
I stared at her in shock, my mouth parted slightly. She was staring directly into my eyes now, all traces of uncertainty and shyness gone. I wasn't even sure I had heard her correctly.
"Say it again," I murmured quietly.
She seemed to falter for a moment before looking at me confidently "Make love to me," she repeated.
I placed one hand on the side of her face as the other stayed securely around her waist. I leaned in so our lips were barely touching.
"One more time," I whispered against her mouth, gently nipping at her bottom lip with my teeth.
"Edward," she half- breathed, half-moaned. "Make love to me—" She barely got the words out before I attacked her mouth with my own, quickly moving my hands to grasp the back of her thighs and lift her up so her legs were wrapped around my waist.
I continued kissing her as I made my way down the steps leading to the bedroom below the boat. It didn't take long for me to get to the bed and lay her down gently, climbing on top of her as I continued kissing her, moving down to her jaw and neck, leaving a wet trail of kisses all the way to her collarbone. I grasped the hem of her shirt and slowly lifted it up and over her head, reveling in her beautiful body and all that I had been missing.
"Touch me, Edward," she breathed, arching her back off the bed slightly.
I quickly unhooked her bra and then her warm breasts were in my hands. I massaged them gently as she moaned and threw her head back. Without looking at me, she slid my leather jacket off my shoulders and then lifted my t-shirt over my head, throwing it on the ground to join the growing pile of clothing on the floor.
I latched one mouth around her nipple and sucked gently as her hands found their way into my hair, grabbing it and pulling tightly, eliciting a low groan from the back of my throat.
I continued kissing down her stomach, to her belly button, before I reached the belt of her jeans. I unlatched it slowly and unbuttoned her pants before gently sliding them down her legs, taking off her shoes and socks along the way. I reached up and hooked my fingers into the elastic of her panties before deftly pulling them down her legs and tossing them aside.
I sat back on my knees and just took in the sight of her, naked and laying there for me, her hair fanned out across the bed, looking so gorgeous and so vulnerable.
She was laying there…for me.
I wanted to make this moment unforgettable for her…to take back every wrong thing I had done…to show her I needed her and wanted her and just…fucking loved her more than anything. But I didn't know how much was too much.
Bella sensed my hesitance because she sat up on her elbow and reached her hand out to me, touching my arm and pulling me toward her. "Come here," she whispered.
I crawled back up her body and pressed my lips to hers once more as her hands went down to my belt and unbuckled it before she unbuttoned my pants. I helped her kick my jeans off and then my shoes and socks until I was just in my black boxer briefs, laying on top of her, my now very hard erection pressing into her stomach.
"Edward," she whispered against my lips, almost pleadingly. I knew what she wanted…because I wanted it, too. Too much.
I slid my boxer briefs down before taking myself in my hand and stroking a few times as I gazed down at her, bare and wet and ready for me.
"Bella…if we do this…it won't be like the engagement party. We can't go back to pretending," I said, looking her straight in the eyes, wanting to see if she understood that everything changed tonight. That we couldn't go back to the way things were.
"Edward," she started slowly, never breaking eye contact with me. "I stopped pretending a long time ago."
My mouth opened slightly, wanting to say something in response, but not knowing the right words to say. So instead, I pressed my lips to hers again in a fevered kiss, letting all of my emotions…everything that I had been feeling for the last three months…come pouring out of me. Letting her know I felt the same way. Letting her know that I had wanted her…just like she wanted me.
I trailed one hand down her body and pushed two fingers inside of her warmth. She moaned into my mouth and I groaned at how wet and ready she was for me. I finally entered her, slowly and gently. It was so much different then the drunken sex we had had because now I was completely coherent and could feel all of her.
I began moving in and out of her slowly, savoring every thrust, every moan, and every gasp of pleasure. I was resting on my forearms, one hand brushing Bella's hair back gently as both of hers grasped onto my waist.
"I missed you," she breathed.
I kissed her lips firmly before resting my head in the crook of her neck. "You have no idea how much I missed you," I whispered, pressing my lips to her pulse point, but making no move to kiss her. I just rested my lips there, feeling the thumping quicken under my touch.
I continued thrusting into her at a steady pace. There was no rush. She had told me to make love to her and that was exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted this moment to last as long as possible because the feeling of being connected to her this way…it was indescribable.
I finally lifted my head from her neck and looked into her eyes, wanting to watch her come apart under me. The hand that had been stroking her hair worked its way down to her clit and I began rubbing circles around it until I felt her tighten around me. And then her mouth opened slightly and she let out the most beautiful, erotic sound I had ever heard as she moaned my name.
I followed shortly after, throbbing and pulsating and experiencing the most amazing high I had ever achieved being with her this way, emptying everything I had inside of her until there was nothing left to give.
I laid there on top of her for a few minutes as we both struggled to steady our heavy breathing. I finally pulled out of her and rolled over onto my back. I was about to pull her to me, but she cuddled up next to me herself, resting her head on my chest and draping her arm securely around my waist.
I kissed her forehead and wrapped my arm around her as we lay there quietly. Bella was the one to break the silence after a few moments.
"Edward…" she started hesitantly. And somehow I knew exactly what she wanted to say. She knew as well as I did that we still had a lot of shit to work through. That there was still so much that needed to be done. But it could wait. We would work through it together.
"I know, Bella. There's so much we have to work through and …we can deal with it one day at a time. I just…I can't be without you anymore."
"I know the feeling," she replied quietly.
"Don't leave again," I murmured. I wasn't just referring to her physically walking away, but emotionally as well. She had shut me out these past few weeks and I couldn't take it. I needed her in my life—all of her.
"I have nothing without you, Edward," she said softly. "The time apart from you made me realize that…you're everything to me."
"You're everything to me, too, Bella. Don't ever forget that."
I wanted so badly to say the words. The three words that I had wanted to say to her everyday for the last three months, but knew I couldn't because we had drawn a line. But now that line was gone…it had been erased and there was nothing holding me back.
"I love you so much, Bella," I stated firmly, looking down at her.
Her breath caught for a moment before she looked up at me, resting her chin on my chest and smiling slightly. "I love you more than anything, Edward," she replied softly, placing her hand on my heart. I placed my own hand over hers and grasped it tightly.
"Are you cold?" I asked, noticing we were both still naked and lying on top of the bed, the cold Seattle breeze making its way down to the small room.
"Yea, but I just want to lay here with you. I don't want to move."
I smiled slightly at her and pressed my lips gently to hers once more. "I know the feeling," I whispered against her lips. "Sleep, love."
She closed her eyes and laid her head back down on my chest. After a few moments of silence, she spoke again. "I'm sorry, Edward. For everything."
"Don't…don't do that. Don't apologize," I said softly, looking straight into her beautiful brown eyes. "You have no idea how sorry I am, Bella." I spoke in a voice full of regret. I hated that we had had to go through this. But I knew it could only serve to make us that much stronger.
She looked up at me again and stroked my cheek lovingly with the back of her hand. "We're going to be okay?" she asked in barely above a whisper, her voice shaking slightly.
I grasped her hand in mine and kissed her palm before placing it on the side of my face and holding it there. "We're going to be okay," I nodded. "Because I'm always going to be right here…and so are you."
"Good…because I can't ever bring myself to walk away from you again, Edward. It hurts too much." She whispered the last part and I knew she was on the verge of tears. I didn't want to see her crying again. I didn't want her to be in pain.
I wordlessly lifted her up and pulled back the covers of the bed before tucking her under them and laying down beside her. We resumed our previous position—Bella resting her head on my chest and me with my arm wrapped around her, holding her tightly.
We still had a lot to work through and I knew that only time would heal our wounds. But having her here in my arms again, holding her close to me, was the most amazing feeling in the world…and it gave me hope. It gave me hope that we would make it. That, despite all of the shit we had been through, our love for each other was something that would always exist. I had her here in my arms again…and I wasn't planning on ever letting go.
Bella's breathing was starting to even out and I knew that she was teetering off the edge of sleep, but would still be able to hear me.
"So…is it Mrs. Cullen again?" I teased quietly, resting my lips gently in her hair and smiling slightly.
I felt her body shake lightly with her silent laughter and her quiet response only served to make my smile that much bigger.
"It never stopped being Mrs. Cullen."
Author's Note: This chapter has been playing in my head since the very beginning of this crazy little story so I hope it was worth the wait. Usually I don't ask for reviews, but I will right now for a few reasons: 1. This chapter was what I think we were all waiting for and I really can't wait to hear what you guys think, 2. This chapter caused me a great deal of stress and anxiety because it was hard to figure out how far I could take these two until they reached their breaking point, and 3. The obvious reason—it's Christmas! :) I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a safe and exciting New Year! See you guys in 2010 ;)