A/N Okay I'm finally starting to get somewhere. Rewrote this a few times because I couldn't get it right and still know where to take the story afterwards but I think this works pretty well. Let me know your thoughts. Enjoy!
Beca frowned at her sister as they sat in the parking lot of Chloe's apartment. "It's not my place to tell you Beca, I love you. You're concerned but that's who you are. That's how you function and taking someone's right to privacy away isn't fair. You of all people should respect that." Taylor's words were low and serious; she spoke in a tone that Beca hadn't seen since the day she moved out of her father's house to pursue her musical dreams. Leaving Beca behind to fend for herself. The familiar feeling of disappointment and abandonment flooded Beca at the memory. She knew that even though she spent all of her time worrying about Taylor and taking care of the older woman and that she would have a weight lifted off her shoulders. She was also extremely bitter because after all this time, she just wanted someone to look out for her. Taylor was her older sister and Beca was the one who always took care of them. Why didn't anyone care enough to take care of Beca?
"Okay, I'll let her tell me when she's ready. I'm not stupid. She was fine when she went into that bathroom, she didn't look ill just terrified. I've seen that look before." Beca's eyes drifted to her sister who was staring up at the apartment complex lost in thought. Something seriously tugging at her mind, Beca had noticed but didn't say anything. The blonde never broke her gaze but spoke anyways.
"You plan on sticking around?" Beca didn't reply, she didn't need to. Taylor hadn't needed to turn around because she knew what Beca would say. Beca knew that Taylor knew. "If you are going to. Then you better stick around for everything. Chloe deserves that at the very least." Beca's stomach knotted as a feeling of serious desperation settled over her being. "Anyways, I should probably get back." Taylor reached over a squeezed her hand, trying to reassure Beca with a timid smile. Beca threw the car into reverse and drove back to the city where her sister's hotel was, after saying her goodbyes to her sibling and the rest of the band she began driving aimlessly. Before she knew it, it was hours from when she had left Chloe in the apartment but she had somehow found herself back at Barden. The brunette leaned against the window sighing with content at the way her cheek pressed against the cold glass. She let her eyes flutter shut but nearly jumped out of her own skin when her phone started to ring, she didn't screen the call before answering.
"Hello?" Her voice was filled with the tease of sleep.
"Shit, I'm sorry if I woke you up." The sound of tears thick in the woman's voice jolted Beca wide awake.
"Hey Chloe, no I'm awake. Just lost in thought I guess." Beca cringed at her wording but waited patiently as Chloe breathed heavily on the other end of the line.
"I hate to ask this. But Aubrey is visiting her mom this weekend and I'm home alone. Could you like just come sit with me while I try to sleep. I mean I know it's weird because we just went on our first date which I fully am aware that I ruined." Chloe stopped her ramble with a sigh. "I just am tired. And this apartment is creepy at night when you're alone." Her soft laugh at the end was welcomed as Beca thought to herself. Her sister was right, all or nothing right?
"Yeah give me like ten minutes and I'll be there. Do you umm… need anything?" Beca asked not really sure what Chloe used as comfort. It was like she had to learn about someone from the beginning and that made her a little awkward to say the least. Chloe giggled and asked if she could get her some soup. "Yeah, chicken noodle or what?"
"Mmmm yes please." Chloe hummed happily before Beca agreed and ended the call. It didn't take long to stop and grab soup. She got four or five cans, ginger ale and some pizza pockets for herself. She cautiously knocked on Chloe's door and was greeted by a disheveled redhead. Her eyes were puffy and her hair was askew, she looked like she hadn't stopped crying for hours and the sight made Beca's little stone heart crack.
"Hi." Chloe whispered, her too bright eyes locking onto Beca's own stormy blues.
"Hey. I brought comfort things." Beca awkwardly lifted the blanket she had pulled from her trunk and the plastic back from the store. "Soup. A variety of different chicken noodle based soups. Ginger ale." She grinned as Chloe shook the box of pizza pockets and the container of coffee. "Those are mine, you greedy little woman. I didn't know how long you'd need me to stay awake for so I came prepared." She dropped a bag off her shoulder and dug around in it for a moment before removing a laptop and some movie cases. "I hate movies." She frowned at the stack. "I just know that these always made Taylor feel better and since I'm probably the most oblivious human to ever live when it comes to social ques. That's about all I've got to go off of right now." Beca frowned again when Chloe looked like she was going to panic. "I'm hoping all you've got is the twenty-four-hour flu or something. I'll hold your hair if you need me to or just lay with you until you want me to leave. Just say the word." Chloe seemed to smile at the hopeful tone of Beca's voice.
"Thank you, I really appreciate this. I can't even begin to explain what this means to me. Here I'll make you some coffee." Chloe shuffled passed the brunette and then turned around after the pot started doing its thing. "Did you bring something more comfortable than that?" Chloe motioned to Beca's general appearance. Beca's frown deepened when she realized that she hadn't. "It's okay, I have some sweats you can borrow." Chloe reached down snagging the blanket with a grin and grabbed the smaller woman's write before pulling her towards the living room. Beca blinked a little rapidly.
"Chlo?" The red head spun around at the sound of her name. Humming softly in lieu of a real response. "I'm okay with laying with you in bed if you don't feel good. I'm sure you'd be more comfortable." Beca tried to keep her tone even and soft in hopes that being in the safety of her own bed Chloe would sleep better. Chloe nodded hesitantly but shuffled off towards her room. Beca watched carefully as the older woman climbed up on the bed, pulling the blanket down on the other side and looked expectantly at Beca. Who took her time making her way across the room, wiggling into her spot before propping the pillows up behind her. She popped a movie into the disk slot, readying the movie for her and Chloe.
"What are we watching?" Chloe asked with emotions riddling her voice.
"Call me crazy. It's pretty good which is saying a lot since I hate movies. It… As far as I know is Taylor's favorite movie unless it's changed since then." Chloe nodded before scooting a little closer to Beca. Which made Beca hold her breathe for a moment too long.
"What's it about?" Chloe said between the groan from her stretch.
"Ummm, it's kind of weird to explain but there's five different story lines. Some connected and others not. The first one is about a girl with schizophrenia and she's a law student. That's why Taylor likes it so much." Beca sighed as she got comfortable, she didn't notice Chloe stiffen as she spoke. She hit play before glancing at Chloe who didn't look very comfortable in the position she was laying. "Come here." Beca motioned with her arm for Chloe to lay on her chest. Chloe hesitated for a moment before laying down and wrapping an arm around Beca's waist. Resting her hand open palmed on her ribs.
Chloe watched the movie wide eyed as Beca seemed to relax underneath her weight. She didn't say a word and didn't dare move in fear that even her movements would give her away. After the movie ended Chloe reached up to wipe the tears out her eyes sniffing softly at the ending of the movie. Glancing up at the stack of movies she noticed a title that she had heard of before but had yet to get around to watch.
"Are you okay?" Beca mumbled into Chloe's red mane. Chloe nodded slowly. "Want to watch another? We can try and sleep if you don't want to." Chloe reached out and grabbed the DVD that caught her attention moments before.
"Can we watch this one?" Her voice cracked and she cringed a little at the sound.
"Yeah totally." Chloe tried to sit up but Beca pulled her back down, fumbling around her to set the next movie up. "If I tell you a secret you promise not to tell anymore?" A laugh played at the edges of Chloe's voice as she registered the fact she liked the way that sounded. Beca waited in silence a moment before continuing. "If anyone found this out I'd lose all my street cred but I cried my eyes out the first time I saw this movie. It's my favorite." The last part came out a whisper and Chloe thought about what else Beca enjoyed. The opening scene started as a crying woman started to sing a sad song about a man named Jamie. Chloe closed her eyes and just listened for a moment.
Jamie arrived at the end of the line. Jamie is convinced that the problems are mine. Jamie is probably feeling just fine. And I'm still hurting. What about lies Jamie, what about things that you swore to be true? What about you Jamie? What about you? Jamie is sure that something wonderful died. Jamie decides it's his right to decide. And I'm still hurting.
Beca's small arms flexed around Chloe as she sighed, humming softly to the song that was playing when Chloe's eyes fell back upon the beautifully broken woman on the screen.
Maybe I'd see how you could be so certain that we had no chance at all. Jamie is over and where can I turn? Covered with scars I did nothing to earn. Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn. But that wouldn't change the fact. That wouldn't speed the time. Once the foundations cracked… And I'm still hurting.
A thought popped into Chloe's head and before she could shove it down she heard her voice speak. "Have you ever felt like that?" Chloe stiffened as she counted the seconds in her head before Beca responded. Seventeen before Beca shifted a little.
"Once." The honesty in her voice was heart breaking but Chloe didn't feel right questioning her. "I was dating someone my junior year. Back then there was a lot going on at home. My family was struggling with a lot of personal things at the time. When I finally opened up to them about it… Well they left. Just walked out the door. Didn't give an explanation other than that they couldn't deal with that kind of pressure. So I haven't really dated since then. Haven't really met anyone worth taking the chance to get burned like that again I guess." Chloe smiled in surprise at Beca explained to her. Chloe just silently laid there wishing that she had met Beca in a different lifetime where she wasn't a mess of voices and drugs. "I saw that you guys have a piano. Do you play?" Beca's question tore Chloe from her thoughts.
"Yeah both Bree and I do." Chloe admitted sheepishly.
"Will you play for me sometime?" Chloe's heart sank at the innocent question because the thought of Beca thinking about being around again after tonight made a new sense of panic rise. Even though Chloe hadn't felt this safe in years, she didn't consider seeing Beca again after tonight. Chloe just hummed softly before she closed her eyes to drift off to sleep.
The sun woke Chloe. Or it could have been the bang that came from outside the apartment in the corridor. She used her forearm to lift her body off of Beca who had somehow twisted a leg around Chloe's and her arm rested heavily on Chloe's shoulders. She stared down at the brunette who looked peaceful. She slipped out of bed and into the bathroom without waking Beca. The insistent buzzing in the back of her head a warning to the oncoming voices. Chloe. She shook her head at the voice that sounded as if it were standing just inches behind her. Please, just not now. Wait until she's gone please. Chloe leaned over the sink and turned it on trying to get a grip on her heart rate.Chloe, we can just end it. Sleep forever. The pills Chloe. Take them all. You'll feel better. She hates you. She hates you. She just wants you dead Chloe. She deserves to get what you want. You're wasting her time. One voice after another growing louder and louder as Chloe bit down on her lip hard enough to draw blood. Dropping to her knees. The pills Chloe. Take them all. You'll feel better. She hates you. She hates you. She just wants you dead Chloe. She deserves to get what you want. You're wasting her time. The voices repeated over and over until Chloe was loudly sobbing in a heap on the floor. "STOP PLEASE!" Chloe shouted. She laid there listening to each individual voice tell her she was worthless and to kill herself. In that moment Chloe really considered it. She WANTED to but she couldn't move, she was paralyzed in the worst kind of way.
"Chloe?" Chloe couldn't tell if the voice she had heard in was in her head or if she had actually heard someone say her name, causing her to sob all that much harder. She heard the bathroom door creak open but couldn't move her hands from her ears or let alone at all. "Shit. Chloe are you okay?" Suddenly she felt arms around her body and she cried harder. "Hey, hey look at me." Beca's stormy eyes now directly in Chloe's line of sight. "Chloe what's wrong?" Chloe couldn't move or think or speak she just cried there. Warm hands twisting her face towards the brunette's as a haze took over the navy blue eyes. Something in her face twisted in front of Chloe's face and right then Chloe knew that Beca already figured it out. Taylor's story in the back of her head as the voices continued to scream. "Shit, okay. Okay don't move." Chloe's horror rose as the small woman disappeared from sight. Beca ran back as fast as she could and covered Chloe with the blanket she had brought up last night. "Come here." Chloe crawled up against Beca's chest. Listening as she started to hum quietly. Right away she knew the song.
I know it's chemicals that make me cling to you. I need a miracle to get away from you. I know its chemicals I need a miracle. And I'm not spiritual but please stay. Because I think you're a saint. I think you're an angel. I said you give me something to talk about. You give me something to think about that's not the shit in my head. You're a miracle.
As soon as Beca began to sing the voices subsided, a dull throbbing replacing them. Chloe didn't move though because she didn't understand what was going on. She didn't understand how it went away so quickly and she couldn't believe how perfect Beca's voice sounded bouncing off the bathroom walls. Beca clung to Chloe like her life depended on it.
I said you give me something to talk about. You give me something to think about that's not the shit in my head. I need a miracle to bring me back to you. I know you're gone now but I still wait for you. Wait for you. I said you give me something to talk about. I said you give me something to think about that's not the shit in my head. Yeah you're a miracle.
Beca was singing with her heart and Chloe was clinging onto every word as she listened. Only pulling away when Beca finished the song. Beca had concern written in the way her forehead creased. "Chloe it's okay. You don't have to hide from me." Beca caught Chloe's chin with her hand before she could turn away completely. Chloe blinked as something filled her chest, fear and something she couldn't name in that moment. She blinked a few more times to try and focus her eyes on Beca suddenly feeling a little dizzy at the closeness of their faces. She leaned up slowly not thinking just holding her breath as their lips almost touched. Stopping to give Beca time to pull away if she wanted to. Instead she felt lips press against hers. Warm and soft. Gentle and compassionate. Not hungry or demanding, just there in a way that Chloe had never experienced before. Chloe pushed herself further into the kiss, now throwing a leg over Beca's lap so she was sitting on her thighs. Beca's hands cupping her cheeks softly as Chloe deepened the kiss. Chloe was listening to the whooshing of her heart in her ears. Her hands flew out and took the material of Beca's shirt by the fist full, desperate to get closer. Desperate to feel anything but the heartbroken feeling she knew would follow when they stopped. Beca slid her legs out from under Chloe, slowly standing but never breaking away from the way their mouths were moving harshly together now. Chloe pushed her stomach flush against the front of the brunette as she struggled to breath. Beca pushed the redhead backwards, still attached at the mouth. Chloe's tongue asked for entrance to Beca's and there was no fight and no hesitation as the mouth attached to her accepted her tongue, they didn't fit for dominance. Beca stumbled forward, reaching out with one arm to catch them. The other pulling Chloe impossibly closer as they fell backwards. Chloe gasped as her back crashed heavily into the wall. Her hands twisting into locks of brown hair, nails scraping the scalp. Beca's hand gripped Chloe's hip roughly as she shoved her body hard against the red head. Chloe couldn't breathe but she wasn't about to pull away. Then Beca did wide eyed panic clawing at her expression.
"Chloe. Shit I'm so sorry." Her words were fumbled as she stepped back a couple feet. Chloe shrank at the realization that maybe Beca wasn't into her like that, maybe she just carried away and Chloe had just messed up. Tears pooled in her eyes as Beca ran a hand through her dark hair. "No! Please don't cry!" She looked afraid now. Afraid of Chloe. "I'm sorry! I just don't want you think I was taking advantage of you. I just didn't want you to think I would ever do that. No just Chloe listen." And Chloe broke into sobs at the sound of the hurt in Beca's voice, falling towards her knees Beca caught her before she hit the ground and pulled her into a hug.
"I'm crazy Beca." Is all Chloe could manage to croak out in sobs.
"Stop it." Beca hissed, anger rolling into her embrace as she stiffed against Chloe's body. Chloe pulled back in shock. "Stop, let's get you some water and… and… I want to tell you something." Chloe tried to wipe the tears from her eyes. "Hang on. Follow me." Beca pulled her hard towards the living room, stopping to scoop up the blanket. She sat Chloe down on the couch, putting the blanket around her shoulders and walking at a brisk pace to the kitchen to retrieve water. Chloe tightened her grip on the blanket as shock over took her thoughts. I just fucked this all up. Now she knows. Now she knows everything and I didn't want her to see this side of me. Chloe's own voice screamed in her head. "Here, take this." Beca offered Chloe a glass of water and a small white pill. Chloe looked up with confusion. "It'll make sense in a minute. It'll just calm you down. I'm not drugging you I promise." Chloe hesitated before popping the pill in her mouth and taking a big drink of water. Beca rubbed her shoulders before awkwardly looking around and deciding to sit on the edge of the coffee table.
"Okay." Chloe sighed heavily.
"Just I need you not to interrupt because this is a hard story to tell." Beca waited for Chloe to nod before continuing with stress written in the lines on her forehead. "My mom died. When I was thirteen. She killed herself because she couldn't deal with voices. My dad thought that sweeping under the rug would keep our family image intact. He blamed my mom every day like she chose to be ill. When she died, not long after actually Taylor kind of lost her mind. Wow okay… Not the right wording. Sorry I suck at this talking thing." Beca smiled a shaky smile. "Okay, what I meant was Taylor went on this drug binge. She literally fried her brain from doing too much LSD and meth. That and the heavy weight of our mother's death and being the one to find her caused her to snap. At least that's what the doctor said before dad made her quit going to therapy. I spent the next three years taking care of her. Bandaging her arms. Making sure she ate. She would lay in bed for days. Sometimes weeks and not move like at all. Sometimes I would check to see if she was breathing. On her good days, she was the brightest star in the room. On her bad days… Well lets just say things got bad sometimes. One time I was trying to get a knife from her hand and she cut me across my thigh." Chloe's eyes grew wide. "It was hard because I shoved every emotion I had down. I turned into the rock. My dad quit even looking at either of us after our mom. He even blamed Taylor sometimes. Taylor would scream and cry and break down because she'd hear these voices and couldn't make them stop. Eventually we got a system down and although sometimes it felt like it took forever. I always calmed her down. When she was eighteen she started going to therapy and group. We found the right combination of medications. She got better. It doesn't mean she doesn't sometimes have an episode but according to her it's only happened like once or twice in the last year. Recovery is a long road but she managed and look at her now." Beca smiled proudly at the thought of her sister's success. Her eyes darkened when she looked back at Chloe. Chloe was listening to every word, gauging Beca's body language as she spoke.
"Do you ever get mad that you had to take care of her?" Chloe spoke suddenly. Beca shrugged slowly.
"I used to get upset because all I wanted was someone to care about me and how I was feeling. I felt like my mom abandoned us. Then my dad just checked out. In a way I felt like I even lost Taylor. But on her good days, that's what reminded me that I was supposed to be strong because Taylor was in there. I had to remember to separate the healthy parts of her mind from the broken parts. I wouldn't change it, I wouldn't go back and do anything differently if that's what you meant?" Chloe sat in broken silence as she took in what Beca was trying to say. "Chloe, what are you thinking about?"
"I'm scared. You know… too much. The drugs. Tom. And now… this." Chloe began to shake as tears assaulted her eyes. "I didn't want you to find out about this. Now you're going to leave." Chloe's eyes darted away from Beca. But the hand on her chin pulled them back before lips pressed softly into hers. Just once. But they were there. When the brunette pulled back she shook her head.
"No. I'm not going anywhere."
"I don't want you to stay just because you feel obligated." Chloe snapped, her words much sharper than she meant for them to be. Beca's laugh filled the quiet apartment.
"One thing you should know about me. I don't do anything I don't WANT to do. Chloe I really don't know you. Like at all. But I would like to. I want to stay and find out everything there is to know about Chloe Beale. Beyond your illness, the drugs and everything bad that's happened in your life. I want to know about your family, your friends, your dreams, your desires and everything in between. I want to know YOU." Beca spoke quickly and Chloe's confusion made it hard to keep up but she sat silently wrapped in the brunette's blanket before she spoke.
"You don't have to." It came out a whisper that Chloe could barely hear, she wasn't even sure Beca heard.
"I want to." Beca's voice full of reassurance. "I'd also like to get to know you the right way. I don't want to jump into anything. As much as that kiss before took my breath away. It wasn't right of me to get so carried away. Especially with what happened to you this summer." Her eyes were full of compassion as she gazed into Chloe's soul.
"That wasn't the only time it's happened." Chloe admitted a little ashamed. Her eyes snapped open when she remembered she still hadn't ended things with Tom.
"What is it Chloe?" Beca took her hand, Chloe just looked down feeling the pill finally lap at her nerves. She calmed in a way before speaking.
"I need to break up with Tom today." Beca's grip tightened momentarily before she began absently drawing circles on the skin around the red heads palm.
"I'll come with you." Beca offered to Chloe's surprise.
"No." She almost shouted at the younger woman, Beca's eyes closed for a moment before they opened again.
"Let's take a nap and then we can talk about it. That pill I gave you is for anxiety. It might make you a little drowsy. A little sleep and then some coffee and you'll be good as new. Come on." Chloe lifted to her feet as stood, following hot on her heels. They climbed into bed and Beca's eyes fell into a comfortable lock with Chloe's. Chloe sighed before moving to tuck her head under the brunette's chin. She absently twisted her fingers into Beca's. I just want to lay here forever. I don't want to see Tom. Or go to school. I don't want to remember that Beca knows. Were the last fleeting thoughts before Chloe drifted to sleep.
Songs I used in this chapter are I'm Still Hurting by Anna Kendrick and St. Patrick by PVRIS