He thinks back at the last few months. When they found out Jane was pregnant, he was ecstatic and she was both ecstatic and terrified. She wanted the baby like crazy. But her fears over the past, all that she thought she had left behind her, came viciously to the surface to haunt her again.
After three years as a couple, she had come a long way facing her demons with Kurt's and Dr Borden's help. But now they were consuming her all over again. Her deepest fear, the one she could not admit even to herself, was that her violent traumatic past had permanently sealed her future and condemned any chance of normalcy and real happiness.
She was afraid that she could never be a good mother or even a decent one, that she could never teach her child how to interact with other people, that she could never love it enough or hold it properly, that she would not even be capable to make sure her child was properly fed or dressed. She was struggling thinking how she would explain all these tattoos, how her past actions would affect her child's everyday life and interaction with other people. She was torturing herself.
Kurt was forever by her side, always supportive and reassuring and optimistic, but that was not enough for her anymore. "You love me and you are blinded. You always have been," were her words to him one night and, although, it had hurt him deeply, he couldn't but understand where it was coming from. She was in panic.
The first few weeks after they found out, she had been waking up at the middle of the night trembling and sweating and cried in his arms until she was exhausted. She was afraid that all these drugs, all this bad treatment of her body had already harmed the baby. She had Patterson, Dr Borden and Dr Watson (her gynecologist, a close friend of Borden whom she came to trust after going to at least five other doctors) run every possible test (and invent some new ones) to make sure the baby was alright, that it wouldn't suffer from any terrible disease because of her. She had to restrain herself from going to Borden's lab everyday to have an ultrasound and check the fetus.
Kurt would forever be grateful to these people for the way they have supported Jane though this. Patterson and Borden had been there every single day, every single step of the way. They had taken it personally, and, somehow, their reassurances, their expertise, seemed to calm her more than he could ever do, he "the blinded one".
It had taken a toll on her. She had redrawn from the field since day one. That was not that difficult to understand; running up and down having guns pointed at her was not exactly what the doctor would suggest a pregnant woman to do. But, she also did not want to be in the office or do anything else. She was just too scared, too confused, feeling too guilty and incompetent. Kurt didn't know what to do.
One night, she was buried in his arms, crying and blaming herself, really scared because one blood test showed signs of anemia - a common thing in pregnancy, easily treated by supplementing the diet with iron, vitamins and folic acid as her doctor suggested. Kurt took her face in his hands kissing her tears away and asked her if she really wanted to have the baby.
She was shocked, he was immediately sorry. "You know I do, why you would say something like this," she cried.
"Baby, I know how scared you are. Believe me, I do. But you have to believe all of us when we say that you should relax. We have made all the tests anyone could ever do. The baby is fine and we have the best people watching both of you," he whispered in her temple running his hands up and down her back.
"I know the past scares you. But we define our future now. Haven't we done this together in the last three years?" he asked lovingly.
"We have," she answered not looking at him.
"And is it a good life? Are you happy?" he tried to make her look him in the eyes. She was still crying, but smiled at him.
"Of course I am Kurt. It is a great life. I love it, I love you, you know that, you know... But this is different. I know nothing about this, nothing, how am I supposed to do this?" She sounded and looked scared. He caressed her cheeks and kissed her lightly.
"No one goes into this knowing what to do, baby. Everybody is clueless. But, we will make it work like we did with everything else. And you know what? We'll be great at it…" he smiled at her and kissed her again.
She stubbornly shook her head. "You'll be great. I'll probably destroy everything".
His patience was running out but he needed desperately to make her believe in herself, to give her hope. "You didn't destroy us, Jane. This relationship is working because both of us, you and me, are trying our best every day. We'll do the same with the baby. Stop underestimating you so much," he raised his voice.
Her hormones in play, Jane snapped. "Well, I almost did destroy us Kurt, if you remember."
"I am not even going to go there, Jane. Stop it now." He also snapped but then lowered his voice. "Listen Janie, I am scared too. My childhood was fucked up. It was nowhere near normal most of the time. You know that I, too, get up in the middle of the night having nightmares. Fearing that you are taken away from me once again or, lately, that the baby is taken away or that I am a terrible father like my father was to Sara and me. But, I know that I will do anything in my power to make sure that neither happens."
She was looking at him with sad watery eyes. Her fingers touched lightly his face."Oh, Kurt…"
He pulled her closer to him and hugged her as tightly as he could. "And I expect you to do the same thing. Will you do everything you can for me and the baby Jane?" he asked putting his hand under her chin.
"I will do anything," she answered without hesitation and smiled.
"Then, we are going to be just fine!" He kissed her forehead and, then, trailed down to her cheek and jaw. "I mean, Sara managed to keep Sawyer alive feeding him burned pancakes. At least our child will eat better!"
She laughed genuinely at that and her eyes got their sparkle back. Oh god, how he had missed that…
"I'm gonna tell your sister what you said, Weller!" she threatened him, smirking mischievously.
"Do whatever you want, Shaw. But for now, can you just please kiss your husband? And consider doing, you know, more? The doctor said we can still do anything we want," he winked at her.
She grinned widely. "You are not my husband, Weller!" she teased him. And that was sadly true.
God, she did that to him all the time and it got to him every single f...king time, although he, sure as hell, was not the one to blame.
"And, I hear now that you are you going behind my back asking the doctor about us having sex? Do you have no shame?" She continued laughing.
Ok, that was enough! He pinned her beneath him with one move, carefully placing himself above her. She put her arms behind his neck looking into his eyes mischievously. She knew what was coming and loved it.
"And whose fault is that Shaw? Whose fault is it? I did everything I was supposed to do. I got the ring, I booked the tickets to Florence, I proposed, I even got you to that stupid town to see Romeo and Juliet's house getting myself almost arrested for climbing that wall. And what did you do? You ruthlessly took the ring, but refused to marry me. I am doomed in boyfriend status for life. And you know what? Now, that I think about it, perhaps, I should take that ring back".
She was grinning like an idiot. She thought about that night. Kurt Weller had gone all the way. Big time… She moved her left hand from his neck and brought it in her lips kissing the ring with the emerald stones ("To match your eyes," he had told her…) and then kissed his lips. "I will never give you this ring back, never…" she said.
"Oh, yeah?" he asked.
"Yeah" she dared him.
"Well, in that case, I only have one thing to say to you. Just think about the kind of psychological traumas you will cause our kid by refusing to marry me and calling me your 'boyfriend' when the parents of her classmates ask about our relationship," he said kissing her ring.
She hit him on the ribs. "That was low even for you Weller!" she laughed. "And it's 'her' classmates, now isn't it?" she teased. "What if 'she' is a 'he'?'" she asked.
"It's a 'she'. I can tell. I can feel it. And about that other thing, you so conveniently try to avoid, no, I am not ashamed at all for asking the doctor. And next time, I will ask him in front of you and make sure you listen and blush. Don't smile like that. I will. I wanna have sex with you every minute of every day, because you know, we are boyfriend and girlfriend. If we were married, perhaps, I would be less enthusiastic, but, I guess we'll never know, will we Janie?" he asked smiling at her.
He lifted her shirt and started kissing her growing belly. She brushed his hair with her fingers. "Every minute of every day?" she asked innocently.
"All the time baby," he said never stopping the kisses.
"Now, that's a lot Weller, and you know, with you being almost forty, I am afraid that's wishful thinking," she replied innocently.
He lifted his head staring daggers at her. She brushed his lips with her fingers looking very pleased by what she knew was coming.
"Okay, Jane. You know what? I am done with you. Now, I am doubly offended. First of all, I am not even thirty nine yet, and second, baby, you do have a short memory and I can only attribute it to your crazy hormones. But let me remind you just what I can do to you," he said looking at her angrily and lovingly at the same time.
She hugged him. "Perhaps you can show me. But, be careful, okay?"
"Always, baby, always."