Chapter 21

After several minutes of awkward silence, Siroc called an end to training for the day and wandered off to some other part of the fortress. Alone, Jacqueline made her way upstairs to the bedroom she'd been using. She tossed her jacket onto the bed and went over to the window, resting her forearms on the windowsill as her gaze drifted across the courtyard below. Amanda and Ramon now appeared to be engaged in a rather flirtatious sparring session, the immortal half of the duo clearly holding back so as not to overwhelm her new mortal lover. Jacqueline sighed, though she continued to watch the pair while trying to sort her increasingly jumbled thoughts into some kind of coherent order. Good Watchers...bad Watchers...headhunters...the Game....The more she learned about immortality, the less appealing it became. Not that she had any choice in the matter. "Mon Dieu," she wondered aloud, "how did I get here?"

"By horse?" a voice gently teased. Jumping about a foot in the air, Jacqueline whirled around to see Rebecca standing in the doorway. She'd been so lost in thought that the elder immortal's presence never even registered.

"T-that wasn't what I meant," she stammered, then frowned. "How long have you been standing there?"

Rebecca smiled. "Long enough. And I know what you meant. Just trying to lighten the mood a bit." She crossed the room, joining the younger immortal at the window. "He told you about Jocelyn, didn't he?" the ancient asked, her expression growing serious.

Jacqueline nodded. "About her, the Watchers...."

"And you're afraid that you're going to lose Ramon to them...or at least his friendship."

"Lying isn't exactly the best way to keep someone's trust."

"Obviously."

The female musketeer sighed. "I've already had my relationship with one friend change because of this immortality business...I don't want things to change like that with Ramon as well."

Smiling once more, the elder immortal laid a hand on Jacqueline's shoulder. "Pardon me if this sounds a tad clichéd, but where there's a will, there's always a way. If you really want to keep Ramon's friendship as it is, the means will present itself sooner or later. I promise, you won't have to lie to him forever."

"But Siroc said...."

"Considering what he's been through, Jacqueline, can you really blame him for not trusting the Watchers?" She frowned. "Of course, the lad's always had problems trusting people...even I don't know everything about him, and I've known him for almost his whole immortal life. But believe me, the whole 'Watchers and immortals' thing is hardly black and white. There's plenty of gray area to explore, and eventually you'll figure out what will work in Ramon's case. There's no need to start cutting him out just because your captain recruited him to keep an eye on you two."

Jacqueline nodded slowly as she considered Rebecca's words. "I suppose...wait a second," she said, frowning as she met her elder's eyes. "Did you call me...?"

"Jacqueline?"

"H-how...?"

Rebecca laughed. "How did I know? Well, it wasn't that hard, really. After all, I have known you since you were an infant. A lot has changed since then, but your eyes are just as I remember...bold...determined...ready to take on the world. Even that excellent disguise of yours couldn't conceal that...not from me, anyway."

"How long have you known?"

"Since Siroc introduced you. I wanted to say something then, but he gave me this look that said to leave it. And I figured he must have been testing you or something, so I did."

"Oh...."

"Don't worry...if it makes you feel better, I can assure you that I would have been fooled had I not known you from before. It really is an excellent disguise you've created for yourself. Amanda seemed quite taken with 'Jacques'...at least, she was before she met your young Spanish friend, there." At the mention of Ramon, Jacqueline sighed, returning her attention to the courtyard. "You're worried about him, aren't you?"

"Is it that obvious?"

Rebecca smiled. "He's your friend. Of course you're going to be concerned about him getting involved with someone as...spirited...as Amanda."

"I just don't want him to get hurt."

"And I wish I could promise you that he won't, but that's a risk with any relationship. What I can tell you, though, is that Amanda would never set out to hurt him on purpose."

Jacqueline shook her head. "I don't doubt you on that, Rebecca. But Ramon tends to fall fast and hard, and I fear she'll hurt him-whether she means to or not-when he finds out that her feelings don't run as deep as his. And it really bothers me that Siroc is content to just sit back and let it happen purely for the sake of keeping secrets. Makes me wonder just how much he's hiding from me. I mean, I understand about him having trust issues, especially given what he's been through, but...."

"But it hurts that he's not willing to extend that trust to you, after what you've been through together."

The female musketeer nodded. "I'm supposed to be his student. And the way he talks, that's a pretty big deal in the immortal-our-world. So why does actually getting him to open up feel like pulling teeth?"

"It's not really my place to say...." Rebecca trailed off, then sighed. "What do you know of Siroc's teacher?"

"Alexander?" The elder immortal nodded, and Jacqueline shook her head. "Not much. Just that he's a thousand years older than Siroc and grew up as a slave in Sparta. He and Siroc were pretty close until he earned his freedom from the arena, at which point he pretty much abandoned Siroc."

"Well, you pretty much covered the basics, but it's a bit more complicated. Alexander and Siroc were probably about as close as two people can possibly get. He was the first one to treat Siroc like a human being instead of property...showed him that he was worthy of being loved. If not for Alexander, I shudder to think how Siroc might have ended up. Beltranus really did quite a number on him."

"I know...I've seen some of that firsthand." She paused, turning to look at the elder immortal. "So what happened? With Alexander, I mean. How could he just take off like he did?"

Rebecca shook her head. "I wish I knew. But Siroc was devastated. Alexander was the first person he'd ever let into his heart, only to have it torn out and stomped on...so to speak. I'd wager that's why he keeps everyone at arm's length now. He's..."

"...afraid of getting hurt again," Jacqueline finished. "And having Jocelyn taken from him like she was only made it that much worse."

"Yes, it did. Took him nearly half a millennium to find someone else he could trust enough to really open up to...someone else he could let in...and those brutes that call themselves 'Watchers' took her away because of that ridiculous rule of theirs." She sighed. "The boy's been through enough betrayal and heartbreak to last a hundred lifetimes, at least. But the fact that he was willing to take you on as his student tells me that he's trying. It's been at least...." She paused, searching her memories. "...seven hundred years since he's even attempted to teach anyone; and that one was killed pretty quickly because he refused to really listen to anything beyond the 'living forever' part of immortality. You must be someone pretty special if Siroc thought it worth the risk to try and teach you."

Jacqueline sighed, turning to stare out the window once more. "I certainly don't feel all that special, Rebecca. Frankly, all I feel right now is...well...confused."

"Confused?" the elder immortal asked. "About what?"

"Everything...Siroc, the Watchers, the Game...immortality itself, even. Not that there's anything I can do about it...." She trailed off, shaking her head. "Don't get me wrong, Rebecca. It's not that I'm not grateful to still be alive, when by all rights I should be six feet under alongside my brother. It's just...." Another sigh. "Forget it, you wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"You grew up pagan...how could you possibly understand what's going through my mind right now?"

Rebecca chuckled softly, knowing exactly where this conversation was heading. "You think, just because I worshipped different gods as a mortal, that I wouldn't understand what it's like to have a lifetime's worth of beliefs challenged by becoming immortal? Artemis might not have been anything like the Christian God, but believe me, when I first became immortal, I found myself asking all the same questions I'm sure you're asking."

Jacqueline snorted. "It's not the same...it can't be. I mean...all my life, I was taught to see the world a certain way. Only God is immortal, and if I behaved myself and followed all the rules, I'd see Him one day in Paradise. And I tried to be good...I really did. Okay, so I have broken a few commandments here and there...I didn't always honor my father as I should have, I lied to him sometimes...but I always went to confession after and unburdened myself." She sighed. "Then Mazarin came along. His captain killed my father, and I returned the favor...at least, I thought I had. I stole a man's clothes after that...presented myself at the musketeer garrison under false pretences...betrayed my sex by masquerading as a man and pretending to be someone and something I wasn't. I've killed...true, it usually happened in the heat of battle, but that hardly changes the fact that men have died at my hand. And I never confessed, either...not really. I know the confessional is supposed to be a sacred trust, but I could never convince myself that the priests weren't working with Mazarin, at least on some level, and I feared that telling them who I was and what I'd done-even in confession-would end up getting me killed. Wouldn't put it past that snake to violate the sanctity of the confessional for personal gain...though it probably wouldn't have mattered in the end, since his men came after me anyway." The female musketeer chuckled mirthlessly. "I always thought that when my time came...well...I figured I'd probably spend a few years in Purgatory as penance for the things I haven't confessed to, but in the end I'd be with my family in Heaven. Of course, when I do finally get killed, I find out that there is no end for me...that I'll be here forever, unless someone comes along and cuts off my head-in which case my soul...life force...whatever you want to call it...becomes part of the immortal who did the deed. And the only way to prevent that is to take the other guy's head first." She shook her head. "So I'm either a murderer, or nothing. No Heaven, Hell, or even Purgatory. Just...oblivion. I'll never see Mother, Father, or Gerard ever again, no matter what I do." She turned to look at Rebecca, and the elder immortal could see tears glistening in her eyes. "Why is this happening to me, Rebecca?" Jacqueline asked softly. "Am I being punished?"

Jacqueline broke down at that, and Rebecca instinctively gathered the younger woman into her arms. "Shh...it's okay," she whispered soothingly as the young immortal slowly relaxed into the embrace, staining the fabric of her dress with her tears. "Believe me, Jacqueline, this is not a punishment."

"H-how can you be so sure?"

"Because," she replied, pulling back to look Jacqueline in the eyes, "that's not the way this works. Becoming immortal isn't based on what you've done as a mortal. It just...happens. Young or old, rich or poor, good or bad...anyone can potentially become one. Some of us can sense that potential in mortals, but in many cases it's impossible to know for sure until it happens. In fact, one of Amanda's students was just a ten-year-old boy, who became one of us after some awful men decided to kill him and his parents over 'taxes' that his father couldn't pay. And trust me when I say that the lad had done nothing to deserve any sort of divine 'punishment.' Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Jacqueline nodded slowly, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. "I-I think so. You're saying that this is just random? That there's no real purpose to my immortality?"

"That's not what I'm saying at all," Rebecca frowned. "I may not fully understand the hows or whys of what we are, but I do know that nothing happens without a reason. Yes, there might be some randomness in terms of who becomes immortal, but that hardly means you don't have a purpose." She sighed. "Come...I want to show you something."

"What?"

"You'll see," she replied with an enigmatic smile. Detaching herself from Siroc's newest pupil, Rebecca headed out of the room and down the stairs, Jacqueline close behind. At the bottom of the staircase, she pulled on one of the nearby torches, revealing a secret passage. "You coming?" she asked, standing in the entrance. A moment later, the elder immortal disappeared down the tunnel and, intrigued, Jacqueline couldn't help but follow.