Rosa pulled up the long driveway to the address she was given in the mysterious letter. It was dark outside and the house looked old.
"Is this the right place?" She asked herself aloud. She glanced at the map that was included with the letter. A simple x had been drawn on an area of map outside of South Park. It was in the middle of nowhere, basically. On the map, it appeared to be just minutes out of South Park, but in reality it was half an hour away. She studied herself in the rearview mirror. The mandatory mask she had chosen was an elegant purple that had black feathering along the top. Rosa normally wore grey clothing but if she was supposed to keep her identity a secret, she wanted to wear a different colour. She adjusted her mask, straightening it on her face. Her blue eyes looked bold with her smoky eyeshadow and dark eyeliner. Red lipstick coated her lips and her blonde hair was tied up in a neat bun, but a few curled strands brushed against her cheeks. The dress she purchased for the event was purple like her mask. It was royal purple and had diamonds creating an x across her chest. She didn't go out or dress up very often, even on her dates with Kenny. Kenny didn't have much money and Rosa never felt the desire to go out anyways. They prefered to stay home and watch films or eat dinner together. Some couples liked to go on fancy dinner dates, but not Kenny and Rosa. After giving herself one final look, she stepped out of the car. In her hand she held the letter secured in the envelope. She left the map in her car so she could find her way back home afterwards. Rosa still didn't know why she agreed to attend this event, but it was too late to turn back now.
"You must be The Blonde. I am the Butler." A man dressed in a suit said. His hair was black and he had a moustache that covered his upper lip. He had a plain black mask over his eyes. "Come in." Rosa stepped into the foyer, looking around the large interior.
"Wow, it's so beautiful in here." She commented.
"I'm pleased to hear so." The Butler smiled. "Come this way." He led Rosa to the dining room. A long table with a white cloth draping over the edges stood in the center of the room. It was already set with elegant silverware and china plates with beautifully arranged serviettes sitting on top of them. There were names written on cards in the same handwriting as the letter that were placed neatly by each of the plates. Of course, they weren't names like Ryan or Sam. They were names like Money and The Ginger. Rosa scanned each name card until she found the one that said The Blonde on it. Her letter had said that her name for this dinner was to be The Blonde so she assumed this was her place. She sat down in the cherrywood dining chairs that matched the table.
"The letter said there would be others." Rosa mentioned to the Butler. "Where is everyone?"
"You're early. I'm sure they'll be here soon." The Butler replied. She nodded, wondering if it was a bad idea to come here. Kenny got a letter too, she remembered. They had agreed to come separately because they weren't supposed to know about each other's letters so if they had shown up together, it might look suspicious. A bell chimed, echoing through the large halls. Finally, she thought. The Butler answered the door and she heard their exchange of words as he greeted the guest.
"Twitchy, this is The Blonde. Blonde, this is Twitchy." The Butler introduced them, bringing the newcomer into the dining hall. She stood up and approached the guest. His hair was blonde like mine and sticking out all over the place. His mask was green to match his dress shirt which was buttoned poorly. He had a black jacket over the shirt and dress pants which were also black. She studied his eyes as they twitched constantly. Tweek? She wondered. Rosa knew this had to be Tweek Tweak, the paranoid and hyper kid from her school. Though she didn't speak to Tweek much, she was relieved to have someone she knew here. She'd feel much better as soon as Kenny arrived but Tweek was comforting as well.
"Hello...Twitchy. Nice to meet you." She shook his shaking hand.
"R-Rosa?!" He gasped. Rosa narrowed her eyes at him. So much for remaining anonymous…
"Wait, you're Rosa?" The Butler spoke up. "I mean, you're supposed to keep your identities a secret. Tonight, you are Twitchy and The Blonde." He composed himself. She took a deep breath and sat in her seat. This evening was already bizarre. She couldn't wait for Kenny to arrive. Despite the fact that he would be disguised and given an alternate name, she knew she would probably be able to tell it was him immediately. She spent most of her time with Kenny so it would be odd if she couldn't tell who he was. Tweek was easy enough to recognize and he had recognized her immediately.
The guests began arriving regularly. Like Twitchy and herself, they all had bizarre names. Names like Vomit-Breath, The Feminist, Jabba the Hutt, Taco and Flipper were all welcomed into the house. Some people were hard to recognize, but others were easier.
"Finally, it took ages to get here. Now, where's the food?" Asked Jabba the Hutt as he clutched his enormous stomach. Cartman...she rolled her blue eyes. Why anyone would invite him to a fun evening, Rosa had no idea.
"Dinner will be served once all the guests arrive." The Butler responded.
"That's bullshit! Fuck them, I'm hungry!" Jabba protested.
"I'm hungry too, but that's just how it is. Now, shut your fucking mouth before I shut it for you, kid." The Butler growled. Well that escalated quickly, Rosa observed. The Butler stalked off towards the door after the doorbell rang once again.
"The Perv." The Butler stated. "Come in and meet the other guests." That better not be Kenny's name, Rosa thought angrily. Kenny had a reputation for being a pervert and sex-addict but Rosa didn't see him like that. He made sexual jokes and innuendos all the time but he would never pressure her into anything she wanted to do. In fact, the most they had ever done was heavy make out sessions like they had done one time when they were trapped in a closet at Cartman's party. That was the first time they had met and Rosa didn't know what had come over her that day, but she had certainly shocked herself when she had kissed Kenny. Rosa was a shy girl, she still was but she had given away her first kiss to him during their first meeting.
The point was, Kenny had a bad reputation but it wasn't entirely true. As she had suspected, The Perv turned out to be Kenny. She could tell by his blond hair and orange-coloured mask that covered the majority of his face. Kenny liked to keep his entire face covered, or at least the bottom half. Unless they were kissing, that is. She still didn't know why he kept his face hidden but it didn't bother her so she never asked. Rosa approached The Perv and shook his hand.
"Nice to meet you, The Perv." Rosa grinned. "I'm The Blonde, but you can just call me Blonde."
"Is it alright if I call you Blondie?" He asked as he picked up her hand and brought it to his lips. He pressed a gentle kiss on the back of her hand.
"Absolutely." Rosa agreed. Luckily, Kenny's spot at the table was right beside her spot. Kenny/The Perv pulled Rosa's chair out for her. She thanked him as she sat down.
"You look very nice, Perv." Rosa commented, taking in the sight of Kenny's blue suit.
"You look great." He replied then his voice dropped to a whisper as he said, "I'd tap that." Rosa sighed, rolling her eyes.
"Thank you everyone for attending." The Butler spoke up, glancing around at everyone of the guests. "I'm going to bring in some beers and Chinese food now."
"Most of us are underage!" The black-haired female named The Feminist called out. "You cannot serve alcoholic beverages to minors!"
"Wendy." Kenny whispered to me. I snickered quietly.
"Okay. Then I'll bring some beers for the adults and the babies in here can have water." The Butler responded. He disappeared into the kitchen, returning moments later with five beers. He gave the beers to Thing #1, Thing #2, The Gay, Balloon-Head and one for himself.
"They aren't even trying to disguise people by name, are they?" She whispered to The Perv. "These names are so obvious."
"I know. Like fucking Balloon-Head?" Kenny chuckled. "Obviously ."
"Twitchy is very unimaginative, too. Nobody twitches like Tweek." Rosa snickered. The Butler began distributing bottled water and boxes of Chinese food. Very fancy, she thought sarcastically.
"Okay, guys. Let's skip the amen crap and eat. Sound good? Good." The Butler sat down and began chugging his beer. Rosa raised her eyebrow and hesitantly picked up some of the chow mein with her chopsticks.
"Why the fuck were we chosen for this dinner? You could've picked anybody and you chose us. Why people from South Park?" The Gay asked The Butler.
"Oh, I didn't send the invitations. I got one myself. It called me The Butler and I've always wanted to be a butler. I came early so I could get to know the house before you all arrived." The Butler shrugged. Everyone studied The Butler. He looked familiar, but Rosa couldn't quite put her finger on it.
"Dad, it's you, isn't it?" Vomit-Breath groaned.
"No, Vomit-Breath. I'm The Butler." The Butler responded, attempting to use a mysterious tone of voice.
"We know it's you, Dad." Vomit-Breath said, clearly unimpressed.
"Oh yeah? Well we all know who you are!" The Butler taunted.
"Then who am I?" Vomit-Breath challenged.
"We aren't supposed to give away our identities." The Butler frowned.
"You don't actually know who I am, do you?" Vomit-Breath accused.
"Of course I do…" He lied.
"It's your son! Stan? Remember me?" Vomit-Breath shook his head. "I called you Dad! That should be a pretty big hint."
"Ah, yes. Stan, I knew it was you. I just didn't want to expose you." The Butler took a long drink from his second beer.
"It's pretty obvious who everyone is. Like Jabba the Hutt is clearly Cartman." Stan/Vomit-Breath shrugged.
"What? No, it could be Token for all you know." Jabba the Hutt denied.
"No, Fatass. It's you." The Ginger spoke up.
"Shut up, Kahl! I know it's you!" Cartman growled. "The Ginger? That must be you, Kahl."
"My name isn't Kahl, it's Kyle!" He argued.
"Gah! You'll never figure out who I am! Could you? Oh my god, what if they learn my identity?" Twitchy shrieked.
"You're Tweek." Flippy commented.
"Ahhh!" Twitchy/Tweek screeched.
"And you're Craig, Flippy." Stan said.
"Because you're always flippin' the bird, m'kay." Balloon-Head added. Craig/Flippy extended his middle finger, directing it at Balloon-Head.
"Enough fucking games!" The Gay shouted. "Let's just all confess who we are and why we were given that name because it's pretty darn obvious why we got the names we did." Everyone nodded.
"I'll start." The Feminist decided. "I'm Wendy. I am called The Feminist because I am the biggest feminist in the school." Cartman chuckled at her.
"I'm Stan." Vomit-Breath announced.
"You're called Vomit-Breath because you always throw up on Wendy! HA HA HA!" Jabba the Hutt cackled with laughter.
"I'm Kyle. I was named The Ginger because I have ginger hair." The Ginger frowned.
"Well, I'm Butters and I suppose I'm called The Grounded because I always get grounded for being misbehaved." The Grounded frowned.
"I'm Token." Jabba the Hutt announced. "Jabba the Hutt is my name because I like to snatch women and expose them sexually."
"No, you're Cartman!" Kyle shouted.
"Okay, fine. I'm Eric Cartman. I was named that because I'm awesome and famous." He claimed.
"No, Fatass. It's because you are a Fatass." Stan disagreed.
"I'm not fat! I'm just big-boned…" Cartman pouted.
"I'm ." Balloon-Head interrupted the arguing boys. "The name I was given is really hurtful, m'kay? I can't help the size of my head."
"I'm ." The Gay said. "I'm not explaining anything!"
"I'm Rosa." Rosa said quietly. While she was comfortable with Kenny now, she was still timid around the others at her school. "I doubt I need to explain 'The Blonde'."
"I'm Kenny." The Perv said. "I'm not a Perv or a manwhore or whatever you want to call it. I have one girl and I am staying with that one girl." He put his arms around Rosa and she grinned at him. The rest of the group introduced themselves. Token was 'Money', Clyde was 'Taco', Randy was of course 'The Butler' and the Hardly Boys were 'Thing One' and 'Thing Two'. None of the group was quite sure why the Hardly Boys were invited but they didn't say anything to them. They had all finished their meals and a few of the guests cleaned up because Randy a.k.a The Butler refused to clean up after everyone.
"Let's go see what's on the TV, guys." Randy suggested. He stood up and led them to the living room which had long, silk sofas on top of a posh rug. In the middle of the room, there was a glass coffee table which sat in front of the flat screen television that was mounted on the wall above the fireplace. Randy collapsed on the couch and flicked on the TV while got the fireplace started.
"What's this?" Rosa wondered aloud. A post-it note was stuck to the coffee table. The writing was done in the same way it was on the letters.
Guests,
I see you have found the living room. I hope you enjoyed your meal that I left for you. I have a gift for each of you. You'll find the clue as to where it is under your name plates at the dinner table. Once you have found your gifts, all must return to living room and open them together. Enjoy your presents,
~A Friend.
"It's from the same person who wrote the invitations." Rosa told everyone. She had everyone's attention now. "It says there are clues to the location of presents this person left us. The clues are on our name plates at the table." Everyone started to head to the door. "Wait!" Rosa called out, making them stop. "It says we have to open the gifts in this room." Everyone agreed to meet back here when they all had their gifts. Kenny took her hand and they raced to the kitchen to their seats. Rosa grasped her name card and flipped it over. Under it, there was a message and a small key taped to the card.
The Blonde,
Your gift is located in the small door beside the stairs to the left in the foyer. Happy hunting, Blondie!
~A Friend.
The fact that is called her Blondie gave Rosa an unsettling feeling but she shook it off. Kenny had called her that but it was a common nickname so she ignored it. Holding the small key, she made her way to the foyer where she had first come into the house. She examined the side of the the left set of stairs but it wasn't there. She walked around to the other side of the stairs where she found a small door close to the floor. She got on her hands and knees to open the door, feeling glad she chose a long dress rather than a short one. She unlocked the door with the key provided to her. Inside the door, there was a rectangular box wrapped in purple. The shade of purple on the wrapping paper matched her dress which made her more nervous than the note that called her Blondie. A tag on the box said "The Blonde" on it in the same signature writing. She was just reaching for the box when footsteps sounded behind her.
"Look at that ass, baby!" Kenny called from behind her. She let out a deep breath. It's just Kenny being an idiot, she told herself. She stood up with the box in her hands.
"Don't scare me like that!" She frowned at him. "This place is creeping me out already." Kenny kissed her cheek.
"Sorry, Blondie. I couldn't help it with you bent down like that." He chuckled. Blondie, Rosa shivered. There it was again.
"Let's just go back to the living room." Rosa suggested. Kenny agreed and they made their way to the living room. Once everyone was back with their presents, Randy stood up.
"It's Christmas time, bitches." He grinned.