p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Immense panic sets in as the door slams./p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"My first thoughts are that I have to tell Killian before Milah gets to him. But then I realize something, wasn't this what I wanted the whole time? Don't I want to feel numb? /p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"If my heart wasn't completely destroyed by Killian's hatred towards me, then wouldn't this do it? Seeing my happy ending get his without me? /p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"-/p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Two weeks. Two weeks has gone by and all I can do is lie on my couch. I'm too afraid to face the outside world, and especially to face Killian. /p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Every Time I even think of him, my heart clenches in my chest. A tight grip squeezes on my organ until I'm gasping for breath and fighting my tears back by sheer force of willpower. I will not cry for a man that will never again cry for me. /p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"My body feels tired. That's what happens when you stop eating. Now I'm not one of those women who will starve herself to look more beautiful or stop eating because it helps them self-sabbatoge in some way (I do that all of my own thankyouverymuch), I am a woman now who simply can't eat. Sure I'll have nibbles and small meals now and then through out the day, to keep up appearances of health, but I'm just not interested in food. Food is comfort and I don't want that. I want as much pain as my heart can handle, maybe more. /p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"A loud knock on my door awakens me violently from my day dreams. I drag my feet to the side of the couch, and stretch out my limbs for the first time in hours. Softly, I make my way to the entrance of my house. /p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Henry's perky smile greets me at the door. I can't help but smile softly at my son. He is so unlike me in so many ways. So much like his father. Henry sees the best in everyone, including me, the one who gave him up, I think bitterly. Focus, I tell myself. You need to focus on your son now. /p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"With renewed enthusiasm, I smile more widely at Henry, willing my appearance to please my intuitive son. /p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"He seems suspicious at first, but eventually he smiles back and takes my hand, guiding me into the kitchen. /p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""Want something to eat, kid?" I ask, knowing a growing boy would say yes. /p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"To my assumption, he grins widely and nods his head in consent. /p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Turning towards my cupboards, I open them slowly, hoping for their to be some food. Enough to keep up appearances. Luckily, there is just enough, and I grab some pancake mix and heat up the pan. /p
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"I watch Henry eat his food hungrily. He barely looks up from his plate, stuffing the sticky pancakes in his mouth. After a few minutes, his hunger ceases, and he begins to look worriedly at his empty plate. I can tell something is bothering him, but for once, I almost don't want to ask what is wrong, figuring it would have something to do with me. Eventually, my ever-developing mother skills kick in and I can't help but try and relive my son's worry. /p
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""Kid, whats wrong?" I sigh, trying my best to stay impassive. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""Mom, If I tell you something, please don't tell me you will blame yourself for it" Henry pleads, looking at me earnestly. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"I scoff gently, and let out a half laugh. I always manage to forget how initiative my son is with knowing me. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""I promise" I say, not knowing if I can actually keep it. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Henry smiles at this, and then takes a deep breath, almost preparing himself for my reaction. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""I saw Killian—with someone else" Henry says slowly, gauging my reaction. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"What I feared would happen, is happening sooner then I thought. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""I know" I let out quickly, trying to change the subject. "It's okay, really". I try to appear neutral with my feelings, hoping my son will buy it. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Henry's teenage hand slams on the table. "No, it's not" he yells angrily, "You're true love, it's not supposed to be lilke this. You love each other, he can't just move on just because you're the dark one. Who cares about that. You're the savior, you always will be. I don't care what anybody says, I believe in you."/div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"The tears flow freely now. My son believes in me. Still. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""Oh mom, I knew I shouldn't have told you" Henry says, coming around the table and wrapping his arms around me. "C'mon, let's get you out of the house. Snow and David are going to be at the diner, we all wanted to have you come to lunch". /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""When did you become the one who took care of me. Shouldn't that be my job?" I truly laugh for the first time in forever. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Without much protest for me, Henry takes my hand and leads me out of the house. Maybe everything can turn out all right after all. At least, I have a family who loves me. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"—/div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"After eating my first full meal in over a week, I feel much better. Having grown up in the system, depression was a natural side effect. I've dealt with it before, I lived through it everyday before meeting my family. I never thought that family was a real thing, until I experienced it for myself. With my family surrounding me, I realize that I can make it through. I can make it through another heartbreak, another disappointment, caused by myself. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"I haven't messed this thing up, not yet. Glancing at the next generation of Nolan, my heart lightens. Baby Neal gazes up at me, almost as if he can understand me. His blue eyes sparkle and he wraps his finger around mine. I can't help but grin at his adorable face, and he somehow wraps his tiny fingers tighter around my index finger, comforting me further. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"I look up to see my family watching our interaction. "What?" I ask self-consciously, tugging a small piece of hair behind my ear. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""We've just never seen Neal focus so intently on someone before" Snow says, "I can tell someone likes his older sister, that's all". /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"The thought pleases me more than I think a singular thought could. I like the idea of being an older sister. I like the idea of a special bond formed by our parents, and I also like the idea of a baby. The thought of being a mother again, pulls something inside me. Being the mother to a baby. I missed my chance with Henry, and I thought I could perhaps get my own chance of raising a child, but that chance was dashed out the window as soon as my name was written on that dagger. My own happiness was written off when my name was written. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"I shake myself out of misery—once again. I need to at least try and appear happy, or at least, my usual self. Just as I resolve myself to play the part my family needs me to play, the bell to Granny's rings loudly, signaling that someone is about to come in. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"All chances of appearing to be happy are dashed out the window as I lay my eyes on the two people I had been doing my best to avoid. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Milah and Killian come almost crashing through the door. The look of joy and content written clearly on Milah's face and she laughs loudly and wraps her arms around my boy—around Killian. I look down quickly, avoiding seeing Killian's face. I don't know if I could handle him being utterly happy without me. When my curiousness can no longer be held in, I look up, finally seeing the face of the man who had destroyed my heart. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"What I see held on his face shocks me. Not a grin, not a satisfied smile, but rather a forced one. He claims that he can read me like an open book, but that curse goes both ways. I just don't through that knowledge in his face every time I can. I see the mask he is putting on, for her or himself, I can't tell. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"But still, they look the part. Both dark haired and gorgeous, both loud and unruly, both perfect for each other it seems. No wonder they had such a long relationship. No wonder he still has a tattoo of her marking his body. They seem like the perfect couple. But still, why does he not look happy? I can't fathom why he wouldn't be over the moon. Milah is here, his one true love. I mean, he practically hates me. I couldn't be the reason, could I? /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"I shake myself out of these thoughts, knowing how silly they are. C'mon Emma, how long are you going to delude yourself in thinking that people actually care about you as much as you care about them? My track record has proven time and time again that I'm just not the type of person to be loved. It's impossible for me, and the sooner I realize that, the sooner It can catch up to my heart. The heart that no matter how broken or bruised still longs for something or someone to fix it. Usually, I try not to think this way because once you start, its an endless cycle of blame and depression, and believe me, I am fully aware and fully comfortable living with this thought process. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"A loud laugh breaks me out of my self-pittying notions. I watch grimly as Milah giggles loudly into Killian's shirt. The whole diner has turned to watch them, and it takes all of my effort not to throw up into my empty plate. Killian still hasn't seen my family, although and his mask of bravado and cockiness are still firmly in place. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Just as they begin to pick up their take out, and head out, Killian finally makes eye-contact with me and realizes that I am here. It's the first time we've seen each other since we broke up, and my breath catches in my throat. It's almost impossible for me to breath, a vice like grip has my throat. But just as soon as it happened, its over. /div
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Killian turns away from me, bringing Milah closer by her waist. With out gaze broke, I can finally breathe again, and I take a few slow collective breaths to steady myself. I glance once more at the couple, noticing his hand still rests solidly around her waist, but what I also notice is that his fingers aren't stroking her side lovingly, like he used to do to me when we were together. Somehow this brings me a little peace, knowing he isn't moving on as soon as I thought he would. For the first time in weeks I can actually breathe. /div