Chapter 12
"Relax your arm" a motherly voice called out. Hayley gazed up to see an elderly nurse with a kind smile staring back at her. She was starting an IV with the anti-anxiety medication. Hayley unclenched her fist, and tried to relax her arm as best she could. The thin needle pierced her skin and went into her arm. She gave the nurse a weak smile and glanced at the faded nametag on her uniform. Gloria.
Gloria gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. "It'll be ok sweetheart. The medicine will relax you, and hopefully you'll be able to get some rest." She glanced at the door, to which she could see shadows of people standing outside. "Your momma there is some hotshot doctor hey? She got into a huge discussion about everything your doctor recommended. You're lucky you know. To have someone like that who is so concerned about you. "
Hayley sighed as she stared at the IV that was now taped to her arm. "You have no idea…" she muttered.
"Well mothers love in the best way they know how. That's what I always say. Do you have children?" Gloria asked while pulling the dinner tray over to Hayley.
"Two" Hayley whispered. "A girl and a boy."
"Well then you know what I'm talking about! Well you have your little ones to think of. Your only job right now is to get better for them. Listen, you barely touched your dinner. You're an itty bitty thing aren't you? Pretty as a picture though. Well, I want you to eat, drink your water and get some rest tonight. It will help. Believe me…I've been doing this a lot of years, I know."
Hayley gave her a soft smile. "Ok…I will try. It's hard to relax though, I have about a million thoughts rushing through my head right now. I'm worried about my kids. How am I going to explain – "
"-don't you worry about any of that tonight. Your family will take care of your kids, you don't need to fret about that. The medicine will help relax you, just give it some time." Gloria chuckled as she glanced at her chart. "Oh boy….Doctor Hayley Hofstadter. You're a doctor too?"
"Well not a medical doctor. I have my PhD in Biochemistry. I do medical research actually." Hayley said as she propped herself up in her bed. She glanced at the IV bag. "I know enough, to know that this medication is going to effect my GABA neurotransmitter. I can't say I'm exactly thrilled about that prospect."
"Well…I knew there was something about you. When I first saw you, I was like, yup that's a classic overthinker if I ever saw one."
Hayley laughed. "You could tell that just by looking at me? You had me pegged pretty quickly."
"Well, I've been doing this a long time. We get more of your type in here than you might expect. You get to read people well after a while." Gloria pointed over to Hayley's smartphone. "Here's a suggestion for you. Listen to some music. Something nice and soothing. Let your mind relax." She tapped Hayley's dinner tray. "Eat something too."
"I'll do my best" Hayley replied.
"Ok sweetheart. Just push the button if you need anything." Gloria quietly left the room. Hayley picked up her phone and opened up her music app. Perhaps her advice was sound. Music was always an escape from her. That was why she had started playing again, and even writing some of her own original music. But she hadn't told anyone about it. Well nobody but Mitchell. She hit shuffle and let the music play randomly.
The sun was setting, and shadows began to cast along the walls. The room felt so cold and empty. She had told her family that she just wanted to sleep and not be disturbed. She started shivering, and pulled the blanket up around her in a vain attempt to keep warm.
Hayley sighed. Well she had really made a mess of everything. How did her life get to this point? This was not at all how she had pictured her life. She had always pictured herself top of her field at work, with a supportive loving husband, two beautiful children. She was supposed to escape the pain and loneliness she had felt as a child. Tears welled up in her eyes. Look at her now….lying in a hospital bed, all alone, her family crumbling around her. Her mother was constantly disappointed in her. Leonard would feel sorry for her. Michael had sold her out. Nate was openly cheating on her. She was going to lose her grant because there was no way she could complete their paper. Her research partner was gone. Not just her research partner…her best friend.
She had failed. She had failed as a wife. She had failed as a daughter. She had failed as a mother. She was failing in her career. She didn't know how she could go back.
Maybe everyone would be better off without her. Nate would remarry. Probably to someone much better than herself. Organized…athletic…all the things that Nate complained that she wasn't. She was sure the kids would be happier, with this better more "with it" mother…instead of the mess of a mother that she was. They would be sad initially, but probably ultimately better off. Leonard would be sad, but he had Penny to help him through. Then there was Michael. She had a nagging feeling that Michael would not be ok. He was more damaged than she had ever thought. She had thought he was ok now, but she was wrong. She should have helped him more, but she had been a child herself…
The long somber notes of a clarinet started to permeate from her phone. She picked the phone up and started stroking the sides. The song reminded her of Mitchell. She couldn't get him off of her mind. Nate was cheating on her, but was she any better than him? She spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about another man. She imagined the simplest things. Like what it would feel like if he simply held her hand. Replaying their conversations over and over in her head. His smile. His laugh. She had spent years just quietly adoring him. Maybe she was just as bad as Nate. She had just kept her sins hidden within her head. The words of the song playing were echoing in her head. It was truly their story.
And now I'm all alone again, nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make believe he's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed,
And I can live inside my head
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us
I love him, but when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers...
I love him, but every day I'm learning
All my life ,I've only been pretending
Without me, His world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known
I love him..But only on my own...
Hayley pulled her legs up on the bed and hugged her knees. The loneliness was the worst part of this. She had felt alone before, but never like this before. She could feel the medicine start to take effect. The sadness was there, but the associated panic and sting were fading. She wiped a tear away from her eyes.
A quiet knocking at her hospital door startled Hayley from her thoughts. She couldn't tell who was there through the frosted pane. She quickly hit pause on her phone and tossed it on her bedside table. The door opened slowly to reveal Leonard standing there with a worried look on his face.
"Hi Hale" Leonard said softly as he walked in.
Hayley smiled. Leonard. It felt so good to have Leonard home. She had missed him so much. His kind nature, his optimism, his ability to see the good in people. He was so different than Michael and herself. As she gazed at him, she could see his warm brown eyes were clouded with worry.
He closed the door gently and walked over and gave her a light kiss on the top of her head. He pulled up a chair besides Hayley and held her hand. "Are you doing ok? I was so worried about leaving you alone in here with Michael. And after speaking with Michael right now, I'm even more worried about you."
Hayley sighed. "What did Michael say?"
Leonard cleared his throat. "Well he confessed to everything. To trying to break Penny and I up using Ainsley. Sleeping with Ainsley –"
"-Sleeping with Ainsley? What? Michael was sleeping with Ainsley?" Hayley exclaimed.
"Yeah. He didn't really confess that one right away. But I found his watch at Ainsley's apartment, and Penny and I put two and two together."
Hayley gave a little laugh. "Oh Michael, Michael, Michael. That's how you got Ainsley on your side. I knew there had to be more to his plan" she muttered. "Does Emily know?"
"Well she just found out. Did you hear her head exploding? Michael told her the wedding was off and that he wants nothing to do with her after what she pulled on you. She was in complete meltdown mode. Said she was going to destroy him. Honestly…after the crap Michael pulled he deserves it." Leonard looked at Hayley concerned. "I'm so sorry about Nate, Hayley. Not to praise Michael, but I'm really glad he beat the crap out of him."
Hayley gave a pensive look to Leonard. "Would I be a terrible person if I said that I'm glad he did too. Part of me always knew he was cheating. I just didn't want to deal with the consequences. Divorce…custody. I didn't want the kids to go through that. I was being selfish, I didn't want to see my kids part time. I wanted to see them every single day. I was determined not to fail."
"Hayley, the kids know you are not happy. Phoebe told me herself that she was worried about you. She asked me to help you. I don't think you staying with a man that treats you this way is good for you OR the kids. They will be happy if they see YOU happy. They love you so much Hayley, it was clear as day when I talked with them." He held Hayley's hand tighter. "Tell me about Mitchell. I'm totally in the dark about him."
Hayley looked out the window. "There is not much to tell" she said softly. "It just makes me feel pathetic."
Leonard rubbed her hand. "Hayley, you are the last person in the world I would ever call pathetic. It's me. Tell me."
Hayley looked into her brothers eyes and knew in her heart that she could trust him. "Mitchell is just a dream. Someone I think about but was never meant to be. He's the man I work side by side with, and over the years he has become a close friend. He's so different from the people I know in my life. He's so down to earth. He's extremely intelligent, but he's so modest about it. He's helpful and kind. It's why grad students we don't even work with always show up at our lab, he helps them. He takes the time and doesn't talk down to them. He's funny and set in his own quirky ways. " Hayley sighed and smiled wistfully. "I've never met anyone quite like him before."
"Well, perhaps he feels the same way, but never said anything because he knew you were married." Leonard suggested. "You deserve a shot at true love Hale."
"Perhaps things are perfect with Mitchell just the way they are." Hayley countered.
"What are you talking about? He doesn't even know you have feelings for him. I mean real feelings, not the garbage that Emily told him."
"If, by the off chance that he does have feelings for me, then what? We date. We get to know each other. Then over time he finds the million things about me, that at first he found cute, to be extremely annoying. And I find all his flaws. And we discover that we are completely incompatible? And then we eventually hate each other? No thank-you. I'm tired of being rejected Leonard. I'm tired of everyone eventually getting tired of me. I'm tired of never being good enough. I'd rather have my fantasy. Where his love is everlasting, pure and true. Where he loves and adores me, and I him. At this point I'd rather live in fantasy than reality. We all want the love that we see in the movies and in books. Because reality sucks…"
"Why are you so convinced that he couldn't possibly love you? That he would grow to hate you? I hate to think of you living in this fantasy world, when you could have real tangible love in front of you. Just because you and Nate didn't work out, doesn't mean that it won't work out with someone else. Even if it isn't Mitchell. Look and Penny and I. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would end up with someone so wonderful , warm and caring as her. But I did. It's real. We are real."
"I'm happy for you Leonard. I really am. I hope you and Penny love each other this way for the rest of your lives." Hayley said wistfully. "But I don't know… I think that type of love is rare. Perhaps it's not for everyone. Not everyone is destined to experience romantic love. You are right. My children love me, that should be enough. I need to stop desiring love. That is my downfall. I'm a fool. What did that song we used to listen to say? Holding back the fool pretends. I forget to forget that nothing is important. Holding back the fool again."
"Stop saying stuff like that " Leonard said frustrated. "You can have love too Hayley! You need to stop thinking you're not good enough. It's just bullshit that has been driven into our heads all our lives by mom. Don't you think I have problems because of how we grew up? I do. You don't know how many times I sabotaged my relationships with my own insecurities. I seek approval when I really shouldn't. I don't stand up for myself. I constantly settle for less because its what I think I deserve. Believe me…the road that Penny and I have been on together hasn't been easy. I think we are ultimately stronger because of our struggle. Hayley…you're one of the strongest people I've ever known. You handle so much with stride. You stood up to mom when no one else would. You defended me, to your own detriment more times than I can remember. You've accomplished so much at work. You're a wonderful mother, you are caring and warm. Nothing like our own mother. As for Nate, I don't know how you've put up with him all these years. I look up to you. I always have."
"You really shouldn't" Hayley sighed.
"And why shouldn't I Hayley? Because I believe in you, even though you don't believe in yourself? We are our own worst critics."
"Because I'm not like you Leonard! You have always been a kind compassionate person. You've been that way since you were a little boy. I have not. I could stand up to mom because I took great pleasure in pissing her off. But it's not just her. I've always liked pulling peoples strings to see how they react. Sometimes I'd do it just for fun. Michael and I are the same that way. Why do you think we had so much fun together at all these parties…at society events? We'd snark together about everyone, and create situations that we found amusing. We acted like puppet masters and everyone was our stupid marionettes. What kind of people do that? I'm not a saint. I never was. I'm more like Michael than you'd like to believe. I don't deserve your admiration. I am living the life I created for myself" Hayley stated solemnly.
"Don't even start to compare yourself to Michael! Michael could not give a rat's ass about anyone but himself, and he just proved it with his little schemes here. Destroying your happiness. Trying to destroy mine? He doesn't think about anyone except himself. You would think he would not hurt his own family, but he did it without a second thought. I know for a fact that you would never do that. Nobody is perfect Hayley. You're human, just like the rest of us, and I don't expect you to be a saint. I know your heart is good. I can see it in the way you interact with your children. I can see it in the way you interact with me. Michael has been nothing but a selfish jerk his whole life. Now his life is falling apart, but do you know what? He deserves it. He deserves to lose everything he holds important. Karma punishes those that deserve it" Leonard sputtered.
"Karma! Don't talk to me about karma! It's all a bunch of crap. Evil has a broad hand, and it slaps the good and bad people alike. Where is karma when innocent people suffer so badly? Does it punish evil without exception? No. No it doesn't. Michael doesn't deserve to have his life destroyed. He's just broken Leonard. He's so broken." The tears that Hayley was struggling to hold back suddenly broke free. She started sobbing uncontrollably.
Leonard pulled Hayley into his arms and held her tight until her crying subsided. He handed her some tissue and she wiped the tears from her face. She turned and looked at her brother with a serious look.
"Have you ever thought about why Michael is the way he is?" Hayley asked quietly.
"What do you mean?" Leonard replied.
"I mean his personality, how he behaves in relationships, his family ones and romantic ones. He's detached. "
"I think he acts like player because he is a player. He was cursed with smarts, being tall, and looking like an Abercrombie and Fitch model. He has our mother's undying love and approval. He does whatever he wants because he can get away with it. That's what I see in Michael" Leonard retorted.
"So what? All good looking smart people behave this way? Dig deeper Leonard. Pretend you are mom, file away all your emotion. Look at this clinically. Take all your feelings out of it."
"Why don't you just spit out what you are trying to say? " Leonard demanded frustrated.
"Michael is emotionally detached. He often lacks empathy. He's charming. He manipulates people. He's a control freak." Hayley's voice began to crack. "He's been sexually promiscuous from a young age. He had a drug problem during university."
"I don't think Michael's little cocaine bender he had in university constitutes as a real drug problem. It's more bored rich kid behaviour. Most of the characteristics you just listed, would just lead me to believe that Michael is a sociopath. Which, given his behaviour isn't too far of a stretch for me to believe right now."
Hayley's eyes filled up with tears. "I think he may have borderline sociopathic traits. He wasn't always this way Leonard. You remember that don't you? Everything changed…" she trailed off.
Leonard stared at his sister. She looked completely broken. He thought back on his childhood with his brother and sister. It wasn't easy growing up with such emotionally detached yet demanding parents. The three siblings had generally always gotten along. They had always tried to one up each other in getting their parents approval. Hayley was right though. There came a point where Michael changed. They had gone from a playful brotherly relationship to one where Michael seemed angry and resentful of Leonard. He was watching Hayley wipe away her tears. He kept running through the traits she listed off to him when it hit him. A wave of understanding washed over his body. He could feel chills invade the inner core of his bones. He was seeking the answer in his sister's face, and the answer was lying in her tear stained eyes.
"Who hurt Michael? How? When?" Leonard whispered urgently, his voice cracking with fear.
Hayley looked Leonard in the eye. "Uncle James" she whispered.
"Uncle James? But he died such a long time ago. In a car –"
"-accident" Hayley finished. "I guess sometimes God does have mercy."
"What did he do?" Leonard stuttered out, a wave a nausea was overtaking him.
Hayley started openly crying. "What do you think" she blurted out. "Think of the worst thing you can think of. That."
"Oh my God…Oh my God.." Leonard gasped as he doubled over in his chair. "I don't understand. How could I not know this? Hayley please?" Leonard pleaded, his eyes begging for answers.
"It happened that summer when you were ten. Michael was seven. You went away to that Physics camp you were dying to go to for three weeks. Uncle James stayed with us. Mom and Dad worked late a lot those days. Uncle James was supposed to watch us. He…he..hurt Michael. Badly. Michael was so scared he came to me. Uncle James found out and scared me. He told me he would hurt you Leonard if I ever said anything to mom and dad. That he would hurt me too."
Leonard's eyes were filled with tears. He looked at his sister. She had always been so averse to eating; she had so many obsessive compulsive habits. It was like the missing pieces of a complicated jigsaw puzzle were finally coming together. "Did he hurt you too?" Leonard asked fearing the answer.
Hayley looked at him sadly. "Not the way he hurt Michael. He twisted my arm so hard I thought it was going to break. He said if I said anything it would be much worse. Michael was his real target. I was so young Leonard. I should have told mom and dad but I was so scared. I did my best to help Michael. I kept helping him hide. Whenever Uncle James went looking for him, I found new hiding spots. We'd stay hidden for hours and hours. I wouldn't let him out of my sight. It was the worst two weeks of our lives. He left, and just a few weeks later we got news about the accident. Michael and I swore that we would never speak of what happened to anyone. We thought our nightmare was over. I should have said something. I was twelve and scared out of my mind. Mom and Dad were so hard to talk to though. We were so relieved it was over, but Michael was never the same. I guess we both weren't really. I think that he resented you for being able to escape that experience. Why did he have to suffer, and you got off unscathed? That's when you two stopped getting along. We should have been in counselling. We both just did our best to forget that whole nightmare…" she trailed off.
"Oh my God, Hayley. I wish you would have told me. I had no idea you guys went through all of that." Leonard sniffed while running his hands through his curly hair. "He was so young….the same age Phoebe is now.."
"I know" Hayley responded somberly. "We just were trying to forget Leonard. Forget that it ever happened. Michael was resentful of you as a kid, but as he grew up, he knew that it wasn't your fault at all. I guess though, by that point you two were not very close. Michael seemed ok on the outside. He was popular, seemed happy, joked around all the time. I guess I misread him all these years. I thought he was ok, but really he just detached himself emotionally." Hayley sighed. "I just don't know how to help him now. The only glimmer of hope I have now, is the fact that he didn't want to hurt me. I guess it just shows me that he didn't detach completely. He still cares in a messed up way…"
Leonard looked at Hayley seriously. "Do mom and dad know? Did either of you ever tell them?"
Hayley flicked a piece of fuzz of the blanket. "I don't think they know. Mom for sure doesn't know. Dad..I'm not so sure. I always suspected he knew something was up with his brother. Dad's always been so distant. Guilt does funny things to people. Michael's never said a word. He won't talk about it."
Leonard got up and started pacing around the room. "I feel so sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do? Part of me wants to find Michael and hug him, and another part of me knows that him being hurt doesn't justify him hurting everyone to his own benefit. I need to talk to him. I need to see him" Leonard said urgently.
"Leonard, he really won't want to talk about this. He's done his best to try to bury that memory" Hayley warned.
"I know Hayley, I know. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want to talk about it either. We've all held so many secrets over the years and where has it gotten us? This family is a mess. I want my brother and sister back. I want to be close again. To behave like real brothers and sisters do. We had that once. I've got to believe that we can get there again."
Hayley looked at Leonard thoughtfully. "I would like that too. I just don't know if it possible at this point."
Leonard nodded. "Have faith Hayley. We can do this. I've got to believe that we can do this."
A/N: It's been a while since I posted. This chapter was extremely hard for me to write. I poured a lot of my own thoughts on life and relationships in here, that it feels really personal. I get a lot of bashing reviews on every chapter, so I'd appreciate it if you keep negative reviews to yourself on this one. Well all the secrets are out now. Up next: Penny and Michael talk, and then Leonard has a heart to heart with his brother. Can the Hofstadter siblings ever become close again? Song credits: On My Own – Les Miserables, To Forgive – Smashing Pumpkins.