Chapter 13

Michael leaned outside on the cold brick wall of the hospital. His hands were shaking as he clutched a carton of cigarettes. He needed to calm down, but the adrenaline from this evening was still coursing through his veins. He looked at the pack of Marlboros he had picked up at the gift shop in the lobby. Michael shook his head and sighed. He didn't even smoke. The idea of smoking seemed calming though. His phone was buzzing in his pocket with another text. His phone had not stopped buzzing for the last hour, but he didn't want to check it. He wanted to disappear, to run away, but at the same time he didn't want to leave Hayley. He could only imagine what kind of texts were flooding his phone. The wrath of Emily, his mother, Leonard, even Penny he was sure. He must look like such an awful person to everyone now. Perhaps everyone was seeing the real him now.

He pulled out a cigarette and put it up to his lips. He ignited the dry paper, and the cigarette glowed with a soft red light. He took a deep drag, and immediate launched into a coughing fit. He continued coughing as he tossed the cigarette onto the ground and smashed it out with his feet.

"I didn't know you smoked?" a soft female's voice called out.

Michael looked up startled. "Ainsley? What are you doing here?"

Ainsley touched Michael's arm. "How is Hayley? I heard she's in the hospital, but I didn't get any details."

Michael gulped. "Well she's stable. She had a psychotic break. God….I don't know if she'll be ok. I'm so worried about her." He looked over at Ainsley's concerned face. "What are you doing here? How did you know about this?"

Ainsley sighed. "Well, Emily called me. Michael, she found out about us. I don't know how. I denied until I was blue in the face, but I don't think that she believed me though. She was in a total rage." She frowned and ran her fingers softly against Michael's cut lip. "Michael, are you ok? You really don't look well. What happened here tonight?"

"What happened? Well I almost killed my sister with my selfish behaviour. That's what happened" Michael replied flatly. He looked Ainsley in the eyes. "Emily knows everything Ainsley. I told her tonight."

"You what?!" Ainsley exclaimed as she snapped her hand back to her side. "Why would you do that? Michael she'll ruin me! My career will be over. Everyone will think that's how I lobby, by sleeping around. And you….you can kiss your dreams of being a senator goodbye."

"I know I'm never going to be a senator now – "Michael started.

"-so since you know you're not going to be a senator, it's ok to throw my career in the toilet, because it doesn't affect you!?" Ainsley exclaimed. She started pacing back and forth. "This is bad Michael…really bad. I can't have Emily spreading this around."

"I'm sorry Ainsley…I really am. I shouldn't have gotten you involved in this whole mess. Nobody knows I wanted to run for senate, except you, Em and Hayley. At worst, if it gets out, it just looks like you had a tryst with an old friend. Nothing to do with your career, since I'm not politically involved."

"You say that, but you know what a psycho your fiancé –"

"Ex-fiancé" Michael interrupted.

"-is." Ainsley groaned in frustration. "Knowing Emily, this is going to turn into a huge mess. It's going to take a lot of work to spin this."

Michael looked at Ainsley thoughtfully. Her long dark brown hair was cascading down her back in loose curls. Her light summer coat was cinched tightly around her waist, her cheeks flushed pink from the chill of the evening. He had known her for so many years, first through Hayley and then through Leonard. He had always kept his distance, just observing conversations from a far. He knew that she was very intelligent from the conversations she had with Hayley and Leonard. And with Leonard he had seen her playful and affectionate side. She had graduated top of her class at Princeton in Political Science. How did she go from that, to this person that solely used her sexuality to get what she wanted as a lobbyist? She was so smart, she could destroy opposing arguments with her sharp wit. What had changed in her? She sometimes seemed like a completely different person. It was puzzling. There must be a reason. He had felt a connection with her…something different. He had assumed it had just been because he knew her in the past, but now he was not so sure.

"Ainsley, why did you sleep with me?" Michael blurted out.

Ainsley's face flushed red. "You know why. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. Why are you asking me this?" she asked nervously.

"I….I don't understand why you need to 'scratch anyone's back' Ainsley. You're so intelligent and beautiful. I just don't get it. I heard things around DC…"

"I don't need to justify my actions to anyone." Ainsley snapped. "You don't know me Michael, you never did. Don't try to pull out some moral compass for me, because you suddenly grew a conscious when Hayley got hurt. I've heard things about you too. Are you judging me?"

"No! God…no. I'm not. I'm sorry Ainsley. I'm the last person who could ever judge anyone. I just wanted to know what…I mean...I want to know if I was…If I.." Michael stopped and ran his hands through his wavy hair. He stared into Ainsley's eyes. "I'm just sorry. I hurt everyone and I hurt you also. You don't deserve that."

Ainsley gave a sad smile. "I'm not sure what I deserve anymore." She took Michael's hand in hers. She reached into her pocket with her other hand and pulled something out and placed it in his hand. Michael looked down at his now open hand. It was his Patek Philippe watch.

"You left this at my place, I thought you might be missing it."

Michael stared down at his favourite watch and stroked the soft black leather. His hands started shaking and his stomach started aching. Ainsley closed Michael's hand around his watch

"I'm going to head back to DC. I think it would be best for everyone." She gently stroked Michael's cheek. She leaned up to his ear and whispered. "Take Care Michael. It was different for me too. But that doesn't make it right."

Ainsley put her hands in her pocket and walked away. Michael watched as she disappeared into the night. Chills started to overtake his body. He knew that this was just the start of everything going wrong.

He took a deep breath and put his watch into his coat pocket. His phone kept buzzing in his other pocket. He had avoided looking long enough. What was going on that kept his phone buzzing continually for the past two hours? He hit the home button. Six text messages, two new emails and two voicemail. Most of the text messages were from Emily.

Emily: You think you are so smart don't you? Well you are not smarter than me. Payback is a bitch. Try getting out of this one asshole.

Michael quickly scanned the following texts. They all appeared to be links to various New York Gossip sites. Puzzled, he clicked on the links.

Which Harvard Legal Eagle is about to get into hot water with the University? It appears that this Harvard Professor has been a very naughty naughty boy. Not only flagrantly cheating on his beautiful wife to be, but fraternizing inappropriately with his students. We thought Harvard gave A's for skills in the classroom. …not the bedroom. We are sure the University is not laughing.

He quickly read the next link she sent him.

This Harvard Hottie is in deep trouble. Not only was he cheating on his gorgeous fiancé who is a pillar to the community, but cheating with his young underage students. Apparently he gives new meaning to oral examinations. Hopefully his termination papers are in the mail.

Michael's stomach churned as he looked at the phone. What the hell? He never did anything with any of his students. Ever. He quickly read the site again. Underage? She was trying to frame him in the worst possible way. The university hated scandals. They typically acted swiftly to save their reputation. Emily was going for all the things that he cared about. His career was the one thing that he had been focused on his whole life, and it was slipping away quicker than he could fathom. He glanced at the mail icon. Two unread messages. He clicked the app. They were both from Harvard University. He quickly read the emails.

Michael shoved the phone back in his pocket. It was over. Everything he had worked so hard for….gone. Harvard had put him on immediate suspension due to accusations of an "unnamed student". He had to give credit to Emily, she was thorough in crafting this lie. No matter what he could do to fight this, he knew it would follow him the rest of his life. Everyone would be suspicious of him. He cracked his knuckles. What was the point in trying anymore? His career was over, he had hurt Haley, his family hated him. He pulled out the watch and looked at the inscription on the back.

I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.

"Too bad I chose to become a monster" Michael muttered to himself. He unzipped his coat and headed back into the hospital.

Leonard walked back into the waiting room that Penny was in. His heart was racing from the revelation that Hayley had just revealed. He found the closest chair and fell into it, trying to focus his thoughts. He barely noticed Penny pacing in front of him. She was talking at a rapid pace.

"I just can't believe it! That your own brother would do that to you and Hayley. He covered everything up so well. He was charming Leonard. Charming! After our day out together, I couldn't even help but think that he was nice. AND that was with me being suspicious of him! He managed to charm me. Man, I wish he was here right now so I could give him a piece of my mind. You told me he was a brat, you didn't tell me he was evil!" Penny continued pacing around the room. Leonard continued to stare at the floor.

"He has some nerve insulting my family. He doesn't even know them! I mean, I know my brother has had some trouble with the law, but he is a good person! His heart is usually in the right place, which is a lot more than I can say for Michael. He thought I would embarrass him? Me! What a hypocrite. He's the one sleeping around."

"Penny, I –" Leonard started.

"And that brings me to another point. He slept with Ainsley? Ainsley, your ex? That is so wrong on so many levels. First the obvious point of cheating. If he wants to be a playboy, then be single. He can play the field to his heart's content. Argh! That bothers me so much! And then to cheat with his own brother's ex? That is disgusting. I remember one time my sister's boyfriend hit on me, but I turned him down flat. He was absolutely gorgeous. But, I could never hurt my sister that way. Pfft! And my family is embarrassing? Let me tell you something-" Penny stopped short as she looked at Leonard. He looked so pale and his hands were trembling. She kneeled in front of him and took hold of his hand.

"Sweetie….are you Ok? I'm sorry I got carried away ranting about Michael. I'm just so angry at him for hurting you and Hayley" She squeezed Leonard's hand and looked at him concerned "How's Hayley doing?"

Leonard sighed and looked up at the ceiling. He ran his hands through his hair. "I don't know Penny…she's calm, but it's not a good calm. All I could see in her is a lot of sadness. It's like she's lost hope. Hope is so important….it's all we have sometimes." He stopped and looked at Penny's worried face. "She really opened up to me. About her life, Nate, Mitchell….Michael." His voice cracked upon mentioning his brother's name.

"Michael? Oh God…what else did he do?" Penny asked quietly.

"I didn't know Penny…I didn't know…" Leonard whispered. He held Penny's hand tight stared into her confused eyes.

"You didn't know what?"

Leonard teared up. "I'm the oldest son. I wish I could have protected them. I would have done anything to protect them. I wish I had known" he gasped.

Penny squeezed his hand harder. "Leonard you're scaring me. What are you talking about? Protect who? From what?"

Leonard took a deep breath and faced Penny. He told her the story that Hayley had told him just moments before. He could see Penny's face change from confusion, to horror to heartbreaking sadness. Penny started crying as she clutched Leonard's hand. They fell into each others arms and held each other for countless minutes. She wiped away the tears from her eyes. "I don't know what to say Leonard. It's so horrific."

"I'm tired of how things are between the three of us. We are all just drifting further and further apart. We need each other. We need to help and support each other. Michael really needs professional help, because its obvious he's manifesting his pain in so many different ways. Hayley also. Our parents weren't there for us, but it doesn't mean that we can't be there for each other. It's what I want so badly…" Leonard trailed off.

Penny gave Leonard an encouraging smile. "Well you know the old quote? Today is the first day of the rest of your lives? It's not impossible Leonard. It won't be easy, that's for sure. But if all three of you want the same thing, you can get there. I have faith in you. If anyone can do this, you can."

Leonard smiled softly at Penny. "I need to talk to Michael. I need to find him." Leonard started to get up.

"Before you go, I just wanted to let you know, I overhead the doctors say they will probably release Hayley tomorrow. But I know you don't want to be far from your sister, so I booked a hotel for tonight that is just a couple blocks from the hospital."

A smile broke out on Leonard's face as he looked at Penny. She had truly been his rock during this whole experience. He pulled her into a hug. "What did I ever do to deserve you?" he whispered in her ear.

Penny smiled back. "You were simply yourself. I love you."

"I love you too." Leonard gave her a squeeze and then headed out the door.

Michael leaned his head back against the pew of the church chapel. He was absolutely exhausted and his head was pounding. He looked around the chapel. It was quite pretty for a small room, with stained glass and various flower arrangements. A few candles were lit in the front of the room, giving the room a warm comforting glow. He stretched his legs out in front of him and put his hands in his pockets. His lip was still throbbing from where Leonard hit him previously. He took out his watch and put it back on his wrist.

When he had graduated university he had promised himself, the first expensive purchase he would make would be that watch. It was a sign that he had arrived. That he was successful. He had worked so many hours for years just to afford that watch. It was beautiful, intricately designed with the best materials. Really, it was a work of art. It had been the one constant in his life all of these years. People came and went, but he always had this watch.

"Michael?" a familiar voice called out.

Michael sat up and turned to see his brother approaching him. Leonard entered the row and sat down beside him on the bench.

Michael looked sideways at Leonard. "If you are going to hit me again, please don't. I don't think my face can take much more today."

"Well you can't say you didn't deserve that" Leonard replied softly.

Michael sighed. "True….I did." He put his head back against the bench and stared at the arched ceiling. Leonard settled in beside him and looked up at the ceiling also.

"You know I'm surprised to find you in here of all places. I was looking all over the hospital for you."

"Did you think I'd burst into flames if I came in here?" Michael gave a sad little laugh. "Part of me thought I might actually." He sat up and looked directly at Leonard. "Did you see Hayley again? How is she doing?"

Leonard leaned forward and clasped his hands together. "I saw her. I don't know Michael. I'm worried about her. She seems so sad….so incredibly sad."

"God Leonard….I'll do anything to fix this. You have to believe me. I hate myself for putting her through this. I'll find Mitchell. I'll get him to understand everything he was told was a lie. I'll do anything to make this right for her."

"I think Hayley's problems are a lot deeper than her romantic problems with Nate and Mitchell. She really opened up to me tonight. She seems to have a deep rooted belief that she isn't good enough to have real happiness. If I'm perfectly honest, I have the same fears sometimes. We talked about a lot of things. We talked a lot about you."

"Me?" Michael said flatly. "Did Hayley give you a list of all the terrible things I've done over the years since you've been away? Is it possible for you to have a lower opinion of me that you did previously? " he muttered.

Leonard stared at his younger brother. Memories of their childhood together came flooding back to him. Where he had been the shy quiet child, Michael was always loud, gregarious, affectionate and attention seeking. In some respects, he had maintained a lot of those traits into adulthood. He was still a fun outgoing person. He loved the limelight. But Hayley was right, he had many friends, but he couldn't think of anyone he was really attached to. The closest person he could think of was Hayley. Given what Hayley had just told him, it made sense. His stomach began to churn at the thought of someone hurting his little brother this way. He did everything in his power to hold back the tears.

"No Michael. She didn't list of bad things you've done." Leonard started softly. "She told me about Uncle James. Michael….I'm sorry….I had no idea."

Michael looked at him startled, then looked away. There was a heavy silence between them.

"Michael…I want you to know, If you ever want to talk –"

"-there is nothing to say" Michael interrupted. "It's over, and it's a part of my life I'd rather not revisit. End of story."

Leonard stared at Michael. He looked upset, and it was clear that he didn't want to talk about this. He couldn't blame him, he was sure he wouldn't want to talk about it either if the tables were turned.

"Michael, no, it's not the end of story. You went through something so horrifically traumatic at a young age, and you had no one to help you through it. No one to talk to about it. You kept everything bottled in, and that's not healthy. You need to express your feelings, to deal with what happened and start to heal. I want to help if I can."

Michael remained silent.

"It's killing me that you and Hayley went through this nightmare. I had no idea. I would have done anything to help both of you. But I want to help both of you now. Michael, I think it's important." Leonard emphasized.

"What's the point?" Michael whispered softly.

"What?" Leonard asked.

"What's the point? I don't see how opening old wounds is going to change anything. Everything remains the same. Except that I have to relive the experience by explaining it to someone. The past stays the same. The present- where I am a shitty brother to you and Hayley also remains the same. What are they going to tell me? That what I experienced as a kid wasn't my fault? I know that" he sputtered.

"But what about your future? Don't you want to feel –"

"-Feel?" Michael interrupted. "Don't you get it? I don't feel anymore. I don't feel anything. I feel numb most of the time. That's how I feel – numb. I don't feel the way people are supposed to feel. Everything feels like it's been dulled. I don't see that changing. I've been going through life to get what I want, the people involved have been largely inconsequential."

Leonard stared back at Michael. "You're lying."

"I am not lying" Michael retorted.

"You are lying. You know how I can tell? Because I heard it in your reaction to when you found out about Hayley being in the hospital. I saw it your reaction when you saw the mark on Nate's neck. I saw it in the way that you confessed everything to us in the room just hours ago. That wasn't the reaction of a man that is emotionless and feels nothing. It was the reaction of a man wracked with guilt, anger and grief. So while you may feel numb in many of your interactions, you are still there. The Michael that feels is still in there."

Michael rested his elbows on his knees and cradled his face with his hands. "Hayley has always been different" he whispered. "I don't know what to do anymore. I don't. My whole life is falling apart. I don't even know why you are talking to me. If I were you, I wouldn't. I tried to break you and Penny up for Pete's sake. I put our sister in the hospital. Don't forgive me because you pity me all of a sudden. Because pity is something I just cannot take. I'd rather you hate me than pity me."

"Oh believe me. I haven't forgotten about your plan for me and for Hayley. But Michael…sometimes you really need to look at the bigger picture. Listen, you are my brother and even with all the messed up things you do, I'm always going to love you. It's not pity. It's love. Ultimately I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. We all forgot what being a family is really about. We've just been living individually with little to no connection to each other. It's because Mom and Dad raised us that way. But that needs to end."

"I don't know where to begin. I really don't" Michael said wiping a tear away from his eyes.

Leonard put his arm around Michael's shoulder. "You begin by getting help for yourself. It's going to be hard, but Hayley, Penny and I will be there for you every step of the way. You need to feel good about yourself again Michael. To feel real happiness one day. And we both need to be strong for Hayley. She's going to need us now more than ever. Do you think you can do that? I know Hayley wants the same thing."

Michael paused. "I'll try for you and Hayley" he said with a broken voice.

"Most importantly, try for yourself." He pulled Michael into a hug. The two brothers held on for a few moments. It was the first time in years that they had felt close.

"Listen, I want to talk to you about Hayley. Penny overhead the doctors saying they will probably release her tomorrow. I don't want her going home and staying alone, or worse…with Nate. I also don't think it would be the best idea for her to go to Mom's house. Living with mom is grating at the best of times, even with Penny and I to play interference. What I propose is that you, Penny and I all stay at Hayley's house with her. I think she really needs to be around her children, and they won't be disrupted by staying at a different home. She needs us both now. What do you think?" Leonard asked.

"Sure. I think you're right. Having Phoebe and Daniel around will be good for Hayley. I'd like to stay, if Hayley is ok with it. I'm sure Emily has burned all my stuff at our condo by now. But the what about –"

"-Nate?" Leonard finished. The two brothers looked at each other.

"We'll kick him out" they said in unison.

"Ok, that's settled. I'll try to gather my things when Emily is out tomorrow. Are you sure you and Hayley are ok with this?"

Leonard smiled softly at his brother. "I'm sure."

Michael smiled back. "Thank-you Leonard…..for everything."

A/N: The siblings will begin to reconnect at Hayley's house. Thanks so much for the reviews, I really appreciate them. A guest reviewer pointed out that Ainsley and Mitchell have the same last name. That was just an error on my part. Sorry! As it's an older chapter, I can't go back and correct the error, but be assured that they are not related in any way! Thanks again!