Okay, so this is the last chapter I can guarantee you before I go back to college. However, I don't go back until Monday, so I will try to get at least one more chapter up before then, but I make no promises.
Also, I know that the rankings for this stage are different in the book and that Peter's time is significantly shorter, but I have changed them a bit to accommodate Monica and what I want to do with her later.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Divergent books, movies, or anything that is canon.
When I enter the simulation on the fourth day, I find myself in the Pit. I look around at my surroundings until I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn to see Eric smiling, not his signature smirk that he gets when he's up to something, but a genuine smile. And, for some reason, I can't help but smile back.
"How are you?" he asks me as he gently strokes my cheek with his thumb. It's a strange sensation, especially coming from him, but I don't fight it.
"I'm fine. How are you?"
"Great. Listen, I have something to tell you."
"Ok," I giggle. He's acting so playful and it's incredibly pleasant.
"I love you." His words cause my eyes to widen and my heart to sink into my stomach.
"What? What do you mean?"
"What do you mean 'what do I mean'? I love you silly." He leans in and gives me small, playful kisses on my cheeks and neck, but I can only shake my head and back away from him.
"No, that's not possible. You can't love me."
"Well, I do. Don't you love me?"
"Yes. No. I don't know." My head starts spinning as he continues to stroke my arms with his hands and profess his love for me. My instinct is strangely telling me to return the sentiment, which only causes my anxiety to grow.
I pace back and forth in front of him, trying to make sense of the situation, but my heart rate continues to rise as he keeps talking to me. The only thing I can think of to do is to punch him in the face to shut him up, which not only does just that, but pulls me out of the simulation entirely.
As I try to bring my heart rate back down, I look at Four and he looks at me with a confused expression on his face. He looks as confused as I feel. He looks like he wants to ask me something, but I run out of the room before he gets the chance.
I don't understand this fear. It's not like the others. My first three have been obviously caused by events in my childhood, but this fear makes no sense. Why would I be afraid of falling in love? And more than that, why would Eric be the one in the simulation?
On day five, I go into the simulation room more afraid than I was for day one. Yesterday's fear was so different, and so much more difficult, than the others. I think it's the fear of the unknown that is starting to get to me more than anything else.
When I enter the simulation, I find myself back in Amity, which, although strange, provides me with a sense of calm. This feeling amplifies when I feel my mother runs up to me and pulls me into a hug. I begin to feel afraid when I realize that she's clinging to me in a way she never has before. Like I'm her lifeline and she's holding on for dear life. When she pulls away, my fear spikes when I see the petrified look in her eyes.
"Monica, you need to get out of here. Now."
"Why? Mama, what's wrong?"
Before she can answer, I see that Max has appeared next to us out of the corner of my eye. I look at him, and he holds out a gun for me to take.
"Take the gun."
"Why? What do you want me to do with it?"
"Take the gun, and kill her."
"What? No!"
"I gave you an order Amity. You want to be Dauntless? Take the gun. And kill her." Instead of waiting for me to take the option, like I know he's not, he shoves the gun into my hand and steps back, waiting expectantly for me to carry out his request.
I look back to my mother as tears begin to stream down both of our faces. I realize that there is no other way out of this for me, and the acceptance of this shines in my mother's eyes through her tears.
"I'm so sorry Mama." I sob, before I point the gun at her head and pull the trigger.
I bolt up in the chair in the simulation room and am helpless to prevent myself from sobbing.
"Monica, it's okay." Before I can stop myself, I jump out of the seat and stand across from Four with an accusatory look on my face.
"No, it's not okay Four. I just killed my own mother, so don't you dare tell me that it's okay." I expect him to snap at me like I know Eric would, but he doesn't. He just puts his hand on my shoulder in an attempt to calm me down.
"Monica, it was only a simulation. You didn't actually kill her. And I seriously doubt you'll ever been in a situation where you would actually have to do that. It's okay."
I begin to calm down once his words sink in. I thank him before I leave, and then try to prepare myself for the next day of simulations.
By day six, I think I have figured out why the simulations have become more difficult than they were before. As we go through our fears, we must also be going deeper into our minds. Getting down to our deeper fears. This is the only explanation that makes sense.
In this simulation, I appear in what must be one of the apartments for Dauntless members. I spend the first few moments taking in my surroundings, until a piercing cry from the other room steals my attention. I run towards the sound only to find a baby in a crib. I immediately feel a strong bond with child and pick her up to console her. When I pick her up, she instantly stops crying, and evens starts to coo as I smile down at her. She is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. She couldn't be more than a few months old.
I stand in the center of the room, rocking this precious infant in my arms, when I suddenly hear someone calling for me. I carry the baby back into the other room where I was before, where I find Eric with a box in his hands. The image puts my body on high alert. And his next words make my heart stop.
"I'm leaving."
"What do you mean you're leaving?"
"I'm leaving. I can't do this family thing anymore."
"But what about our daughter? She needs you!"
"Not my problem." I stand motionless as he turns on his heel and walks out the door without even a second glance. I have to set the baby down on the couch as I sink to my knees, shaking and crying uncontrollably. I can't believe this just happened. How could this have happened? What did I do wrong? I sit and cry until I hear the baby start to cry again. I pick her back up and try to focus solely on her in an attempt to calm her and me down. After a while, this works and the simulation ends.
I bolt up in the seat and immediately start to leave, but Four grabs my arm and stops me.
"Why is Eric in your simulations?"
"I don't know," I say, still out of breath. "That's what I'm trying to figure out."
Day seven is unusual right from the beginning. When I enter the simulation room, Four is not the only one waiting for me. Eric is also there. He notices my confused glare, but Four steps in before Eric can say anything.
"He's just here to check in. A leader comes in to watch the simulations for a day every year. Just ignore him." Eric gives him an evil glare, while I just smile as Four injects me with the serum.
Once in the simulation, I am standing in the Pit with all of my friends. Everyone is absorbed in their own conversations until Max gets up in front of us and begins to speak.
"Today marks the end of initiation. Our initiates have worked hard during these last weeks to prove to themselves and us that they are Dauntless and it's finally time to see who has what it takes. Here are your rankings." The list appears behind him and all my friends and I cheer and congratulate each other. We all made it! I am ranked fourth. It's not as high as I could have hoped for, but it's good enough. I made it in and proved myself, and that's all that matters.
I suddenly feel a tap on my shoulder, and when I turn around my heart drops. This is the man in the locket my mother gave me. This is my father.
"You're an embarrassment."
"What?"
"Your ranking. It's humiliating."
"But it's not that low! Aren't you proud of me, Dad?"
"It's not high enough, it's not good enough! You're not good enough! You'll never be good enough to be called my daughter!" He storms away and I sink to my knees as if he had slapped me. I honestly wish he had. It would've hurt less.
As I sit and cry, my heart races so fast it feels like it will burst right out of my chest. No matter what I do, I cannot calm myself down. My attempts only fuel the fear and grief that I feel, sending me into deeper and deeper levels of hysteria. Suddenly, it feels like all the air is being sucked out of my lungs, and I briefly see the concerned faces of Four and Eric before I pass out.
Eric's POV
Today is, by far, my least favorite day of initiation. I have no interest in seeing what these kids are afraid of, but according to Max, I have to. It's also boring. For most of the day, I have to sit through seeing the obvious fears, spiders, heights, drowning, more times than I can tolerate. There are a million better things I could be doing than this.
Although, if I'm being honest with myself, I can't help but be a little curious about Monica's fears. From what Four has told me, she's been doing great so far in this stage, not that I can really be surprised anymore. The urge to know what's going on in her head and what makes her tick has become too strong to ignore.
However, when she walks into the room and sees me, she takes looking unpleasantly surprised to a whole other level. Not that I blame her. I can tell she knows what look she is giving me, and tries to pass it off as confusion, but she fails miserably. Rightfully so, she's probably still pissed about what happened with the knives.
I want to tell her something, but I'm not sure what. And before I even get the chance, Four cuts in. "He's just here to check in. A leader comes in to watch the simulations for a day every year. Just ignore him." I give him an evil glare and am about to chastise him, but Monica's smile stops me in my tracks. She shouldn't have this effect on me, but she does. Just a few more days and I can try my luck at getting with her.
As she enters the simulation, she is standing in the Pit with the rest of the initiates. Max appears and gives a speech before presenting the final rankings. Upon seeing that she is ranked fourth, I cannot help the anger that rises up inside of me. Does she really think that she would be ranked fourth? She is way too skilled for fourth place. But, is this her fear? Not being at least in the top three? My suspicion is proven wrong when I see her smiling and cheering with her friends.
Moments later, a Dauntless man that is only vaguely familiar to me taps on her shoulder and gets her attention. At the sight of him, her eyes become very large, as if she knows him, but I'm not sure exactly how she would.
"You're an embarrassment."
"What?"
"Your ranking. It's humiliating."
"But it's not that low! Aren't you proud of me, Dad?" Dad?
He yells in response, "It's not high enough, it's not good enough! You're not good enough! You'll never be good enough to be called my daughter!" before storming away. Four and I look at each other with confusion written all over our faces. It's clear that she's afraid of not being good enough for her father, but why is he dressed in Dauntless clothing instead of Amity?
In the simulation, she sinks to the ground and begins to sob, as her heart rate simultaneously begins to climb. I glance over at her in the chair and she is starting to shake with tears streaming down her face. I continue to look at her for a few moments more before Four grabs my attention.
"Eric, she's reaching heart attack levels. We need to pull her out of it. Now." It only takes one more glance at her for me to agree. As Four manipulates the simulation to get her out, I walk over and stand by her side to be ready in case she falls out of the chair.
She returns to reality with a loud gasp, looking at us only briefly before she faints. I catch her as she begins to slide of the chair. I check her pulse, which is starting to go back to normal in her unconscious state as well as her breathing, which is a good sign. I mutter a curse under my breath before turning back to Four.
"Stay here and continue with the simulations. I'll bring her to the infirmary and then I'll come right back." He gives me a quick nod before I gently put her limp body over my shoulder and carry her out of the room. Worried looks form on her friend's faces, but I ignore them. It would probably be the nice thing to do to tell them that she will be fine, but I need to get her to the infirmary immediately because I can't know that for sure.
When I reach the infirmary, I immediately lay her down in one of the rooms and tell her what happened.
"Do you want me to keep her here overnight?"
"Only if you find anything wrong with her when she wakes up. Otherwise, you can let her leave if she feels up to it. But I want you to call me and notify me about it immediately either way. Understood?"
"Yes sir," she replies before turning her attention to Monica. I take one last look back at her before I leave to go back to the simulation room. I hope she will be alright.
Monica's POV
I wake up laying in the infirmary with one of the nurses looking down at me.
"How are you feeling?"
"Fine. What happened?"
"You almost had a heart attack during your simulation this afternoon and when Four pulled you out of it, you passed out. Eric brought you here about half an hour ago." Her words make everything from the simulation come rushing right back. Today's was the worst one yet. The fact that I couldn't even finish the simulation makes me feel deeply ashamed of myself for my cowardice. Before I can dwell on these feelings too much and start to panic again, I focus my attention back on the nurse.
"When can I leave?"
"Well, your vitals are normal and nothing else appears to be wrong with you, so you can leave now if you're feeling up to it. But come right back if you feel light-headed, short of breath, or any chest pain."
"Okay, thank you."
When I get back to the dorm, everybody is crowded at the back of the room with Eric, Four, and the ranking board. When my friends see me, they immediately look relieved and Christina pulls me into a hug.
"Are you okay? We saw Eric carry you out of the room and we got so worried."
"Yeah, I'm fine. I apparently almost had a heart attack during my simulation." They all gasp.
"What happened?" Tris asks.
"I don't want to talk about it. What's going on here? I thought there weren't any cuts for stage two."
"There aren't," Will says. "It's just a progress report of sorts."
Eric pushes a button and the rankings appear:
Tris
Monica
Peter
Will
Christina
Drew
Molly
Al
Matt
My average simulation time is 12 minutes, but Tris' makes us all turn in her direction. Her average time is two minutes and forty-five seconds.
I look over to my side and see Matt glaring at me. The fact that I am second and he is in last place gives me a definite cause for concern. My unease grows when I realize that Tris and I are ranked above Peter, who is behind me by only one minute, which makes us the new Edward. Before I can watch to see what Peter and Matt will do, I see Eric and Four leave the room, and I immediately go after them.
"Eric!" They both look back at me, but Four keeps going while Eric stops for me to approach him.
"How are you feeling?" I ignore him.
"Why am I ranked second?"
"Because you've been doing well throughout this stage. You've earned second place."
"But I couldn't finish my simulation today. Are you telling me rank won't be altered because of that?"
"Yes."
"But how?"
"Listen, I finalize the rankings and I decided not to dock your ranking."
"Why?" He looks torn in how he wants to respond, but eventually says, "Because I can," and then walks away without another word.
I take another walk around the compound for what feels like hours thinking about everything that has happened today when I find myself near the chasm. I decide to head back to the dorm when I pass by one of the back hallways and see someone struggling with some large piles of heavy looking boxes. My Amity nature kicks in and I head towards him.
"Do you need any help?"
"Yes, thank you." I grab a box and carry it over to where he's bringing them. When I head back and grab another, I finally get a view of his face and the box falls out of my hands, creating a loud bang on the floor.
"Monica? I'm guessing by the look on your face you know who I am." All I can do is nod my head. I've always thought about what I would do if this actually happened, but after what happened earlier today, I can only stand paralyzed with fear.
"Listen, I know you're shocked, and I'm sure you've never wanted to meet me this way, but I would love to get to know you." The look on his face is genuine and completely non-threatening, but I can't help but let my fear take over.
"I'll think about it," I say before turning on my heel and running back toward the chasm. While trying to catch my breath, I head back the way I originally came and decide to get back to the dorm the long. Millions of questions and emotions swim through my mind, but they are cut short when something hard hits me in the back of the head and everything fades to black.
When I wake up, I am lying on the bridge over the chasm. This fact doesn't register with me right away. The first thing I notice is that someone a few feet away from me is struggling and lets out a scream. It is Tris, and there are three people I can't identify trying to throw her over the side of the chasm. This makes me realize the gravity of my situation and I move to get up to help her. But when I try, someone gets on top of me, preventing me from moving. When I look up to see who it is, my heart sinks when I realize that it is Matt.
"Matt, what are doing?" I say as I struggle against his body weight to get up.
"I will not be out-ranked and knocked out of Dauntless by a worthless Amity." He then wraps his hands around my throat and squeezes.
"Matt, please…" I try to stop him. I thrash around, doing anything I can to get him to stop, but my limbs slow down, as well as my breathing. My vision is also getting blurry. Tears roll down my face and I slowly stop fighting, partly because the lack of oxygen is making me too weak to move, but, more than that, I am accepting the fact that I'm about to die. Right before I pass out, I hear a grunt and all the weight on top of my body is removed. I roll over on my side, gasping for air. When I do, I see Matt pinned to the ground and being beat up by Eric. Eric continually punches him in the face until he's satisfied.
When he walks back over to me, the angry fire in his eyes has been replaced with a look of concern. He puts one hand on my arm and the other cradles the back of my neck.
"Are you okay?" I've never heard him speak this gently before.
"I think so," I manage to whisper out before unconsciousness takes over again.
I wake up lying on an extremely comfortable bed in one of the Dauntless apartments. I feel someone touching my neck, and I immediately slap the arm away and try to get away.
"Take it easy. It's okay, it's just me." When my eyes refocus and I see that it's Eric next to me and not anyone else, I breathe a sigh of relief and my whole body relaxes.
"Let me look at your neck." He tilts my head back to examine me, but when he touches me, he touches the skin a little too hard and I gasp as a wave of pain shoots through my neck. My hand flies up to grab his.
"Sorry." He moves his hand away from my neck, but he continues to hold mine.
"It's okay."
"How are you feeling?" The moment he asks, I feel a wave of exhaustion rush through me.
"Tired."
"Yeah, you should get some sleep. You can sleep here, I'll take the couch." I'm about to lay back down, but a question pops into my mind and I know that if I don't ask him know, I'll never be able to get to sleep.
"Eric." He stops in his tracks and turns back to face me.
"How did you know where to find me? And that I was in trouble?" He takes a deep breath before walking back over and sitting next to me on the bed.
"I was walking back here from the control room with Four. We were talking about the rankings when we heard Tris scream and ran to the chasm."
"Is Tris okay?" I completely forgot about her until now.
"Four's taking care of her, she'll be fine. Honestly, you got hurt a little worse than she did." He moves to leave me to rest, but I grab his arm to stop him.
"Why did you not lower my ranking?"
"I told you, I left you ranked second because I can."
"No, that's not a good answer. There's something else. What is it?" He pauses for a moment, taking time look deeply into my eyes, before taking my face in his hands, leaning in, and kissing me. The first thing I notice is how soft his lips are. They are much softer than I could have ever imagined them to be. But they are also firm. I can tell that he knows what he's doing, which is good because I have never done this before. He is a very good kisser. I enjoy it for a few moments before I realize what is happening, and my fear causes me to push him away.
"What's wrong?"
"This is wrong. We can't do this." At first he looks shocked, and then hurt, and then angry. He looks at me with such cold ferocity that I have never seen in his eyes before.
"Right. Just go to bed." He storms out and the room feels like it's gotten one hundred degrees colder. I lay down and try to push the guilt and fear out of my mind so I can get some much needed sleep, but when I hear a growl and a crash from the other room, the tears I have been trying so hard to hold back begin to fall. My mother was right. He does like me. And I just let my fear prevent me from giving him a chance. I'm such a coward.
Eric's POV
I knew it. I knew this would happen again. I knew I should have just kept to myself. But no, I had to go and fall for the Amity girl and look where it got me. Heartbroken. Again.
I cannot contain my rage. I growl and push the bookshelf over, causing it to crash loudly to the ground. Never again. Never again will open myself up to anyone. Ever.
A/N: I know, I'm a terrible person. Please don't hate me! You know I would never end it like this. ;)
Here's the list of Monica's fears, just so I know we're all on the same page.
Confinement
Being pushed under water by harsh waves
Lying immobile on the ground with spiders crawling all over her
Falling in love
Being forced to kill her mother
Her child being abandoned by his/her father
Not being good enough for her father