Yay! I wasn't sure if I would manage to update before tomorrow, but I did it! This may not be as good as other chapters, but I really want to get this up for all of my lovely readers! All of your kind words make me smile :) Classes start on Tuesday, but I promise I will try to update again as soon as I can. I'll try not to make you all wait a year for another chapter!
Disclaimer: I do not own the Divergent books, movies, or anything that is canon.
I wake up the next morning feeling more rested but not even close to less guilty. I wish I had the words to explain to him why I pushed him away, as well as everything else that happened yesterday, but I'm not sure I do. Just not yet anyways.
Suddenly, I see him standing in the doorway, unable to look at me. Part of me is angry that he didn't knock or something, but then I remember that this is his bedroom. He probably doesn't have to knock. And I probably don't have any right to be angry with him right now anyways.
"Get up. Max wants to talk to about what happened last night."
Why would Max want to talk to me? I didn't do anything wrong. And I can't imagine that he would call me all the way to his office just to ask me how I'm doing.
When I get up and leave Eric's room, the first thing I notice is the mess. His bookshelf has been thrown to the floor with a lot of his books and trinkets surrounding it. That must be the noise I heard last night. My feeling of guilt spikes at the sight.
We head out his front door when I ask him, "You told Max about what happened?"
"Of course I did."
"Why?"
He finally looks at me, and I immediately wish he hadn't. The coldness and cruelty in his eyes make me stop in my tracks.
"Because it's my job. Let's go." I continue to follow him, but I remain quiet for the rest of the walk. I don't know why I thought making small talk would make anything better. In fact, I think I just made it a little worse.
When we get up to the leadership level of the compound, I am stunned. It is so much quieter and more organized than everywhere else. There are not many people up here, unlike the Pit where almost everyone is there pretty much all the time.
We stop in front of a door at the end of the hallway and Eric knocks once before opening the door and motioning for me to go inside. I enter a large, spacious room with only one desk and a few chairs and filing cabinets. I guess it's a leaders' right to have this much space in an office, but it's obvious that Max doesn't need all of it.
Max welcomes us and tells us to sit down.
"Monica, how are you feeling today?"
"I'm fine, thank you."
"I'm glad to hear that. Not only did you get attacked, but I heard that you had some trouble with your simulation yesterday as well." It shouldn't really surprise me that Max heard about that, even though it does. As a leader, it's probably his job to know everything.
"Just a little."
"Well, the reason I called you here is that I want to hear your thoughts on how we should punish Matt." Wait, what? Did I hear that correctly?
"I'm sorry. My thoughts on you should punish him?"
"Yes. Since he attacked you, I figure it's only fair that you have some input on his punishment." I look from him, to Eric, and back to Max again. To be fair? Since when does Dauntless care about being fair? Something else must be going on here, but I know that now is not the right time to question it.
Honestly, I haven't given a thought to what I would do to Matt if I was given a chance. But now that I have been given the opportunity, my decision is crystal clear.
"Make him factionless." I look between the two men again and they both look shocked. They were obviously not expecting my answer. I'm not even entirely sure that I was.
"Really?"
"Yeah. The whole reason he attacked me in the first place was because I'm beating him in the rankings and he's scared that because of it, he'll become factionless. He wanted to kill me to make his chances of getting in higher. He succumbed to his cowardice and I'm sure Dauntless wouldn't stand for that. And besides, given his ranking, he's going to be factionless anyways so you might as well do it now since you have a reason to."
Eric still looks shocked, but Max looks pleased, as if I just said exactly what he wanted me to say. In fact, I'm pretty sure I did, and the thought makes me feel a little uneasy.
"I completely agree. Thank you for your input. He will be escorted to the factionless sector this afternoon. But, before you go, I have one more thing I'd like to bring to your attention." He reaches down into one of the drawers in his desk and pulls out a folder. I wonder what this is about.
"When Eric told me what happened last night I pulled out your file to record it."
"My file?"
"Yes, it has all of your medical history, pretty much everything that there is to know about you." My heart stops for a brief moment. I think I know where he's going with this and I don't like it.
"Anyways, I was looking through your file and I noticed something quite odd."
"What's that?" I try to play stupid, thinking it will make this easier for me, but I can tell that he knows exactly what I'm trying to do.
"Well, on your birth certificate, there is no signature of your biological father. Did you know that?"
"No, I didn't." It's a total lie and he knows it, but he doesn't call me out on it.
"Well it's true. You have to understand that this is quite a rare occurrence for such an oversight to happen and it spiked my curiosity. Did your father die before you were born? That's the only time when something like this would usually happen."
"Um, no he didn't."
"Then could you tell me why? I have a feeling you know. And Eric told me about an interesting detail in your simulation yesterday, which makes this all the more odd." I have a feeling that he's playing with me. That he knows and he just wants me to say it. I know that there is nothing I can do now but tell the truth, as hard as it is given that I've never told anyone this before.
"It – It's because my father is Dauntless."
"He's Dauntless?"
"Yes."
"How is that possible?" After that, the floodgates open. I spill my guts and tell him everything. How my parents met, what Amity leadership decided to do with me, everything. I thought Max had an idea of what was going on, but even he looked surprised at my story. Eric looked even more shocked. Once I finish, I take a deep breath and say, "I swear that's all I know. My mother never told me anything else. She didn't like to talk about him."
"Well Eric, this explains it. No wonder she's done so well in training. Dauntless blood runs in her veins." The both chuckle a little but I just continue to sit there and look at my hands. I have to admit, now that I have finally told someone about this, I do feel a little better for getting it off my chest. But it's not very settling that leadership is the first people I've told. I imagined it would be my friends.
I just desperately want Max to dismiss us, and for a moment I think he will, but before he can, there is a knock at the door. A man I've never seen before steps in and, without saying anything, walks up to Max and whispers something in his ear. Max tells him he will meet him outside before the man leaves and Max turns back to us.
"Well Monica, today's your lucky day. You won't have to do your final test until tomorrow." I completely forgot that the final test is today! Was today. Why isn't it today anymore?
"Why?"
"One of your fellow initiates, Al, threw himself over the chasm and died. Out of respect for the dead, the test will be delayed." I don't hear anything he says after the word 'died'. I want to know more about what happened, but I'm too shocked to speak.
"You both can see yourselves out. Eric, I'll see you later to discuss this." Eric nods his head in obedience before Max leaves us in his office. Eric and I get up to leave, but I stop him from opening the door when I recall something that makes me see red.
"You told me that there's a net."
"What?"
"The net, near the bottom of the chasm. You showed it to me after you made Christina hang over the side. If there's a net, why did Al die today?"
"Because it isn't always there." He thinks that this is the end of this conversation so he opens the door, but before he can open it too much, I step in front of him and slam it shut with my body.
"Why?"
"Because hanging someone over the chasm is something we have to do every year. We put a net there for the first few days of initiation just as a safe guard to make an example. For the rest of the time, if someone is stupid and decides to jump and kill themselves, that's not our problem." Before I can stop myself, I pull my arm back and slap him in the face. I open the door before he has time to retaliate and seethe, "You're a son of bitch," before bolting out the door and getting away from him as fast as I can.
When I get back to the dorm, Will and Christina are sitting on their beds talking. Christina runs up to hug me when she notices my presence. Her eyes are red from crying, so I know that they have heard about Al.
"Did you hear what happened to Al?"
"Yeah, I just heard. Apparently our final test is being pushed back until tomorrow because of it. Why would he kill himself? Is it because of his ranking?"
"Maybe. But did you hear about this: He helped Drew and Peter attack Tris last night."
"Wait that was Al? I would expect Peter and Drew, but Al?"
"Yeah, how do you know about it?"
"I was there. Matt tried to kill me last night too." She gasps and pulls me into another hug.
"I didn't even notice your neck, it looks terrible. Did he choke you? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, and I'm fine. Eric was around and he saved me."
"Eric saved you?"
"Yeah. He took me back to his apartment and let me sleep there."
"And he was nice to you?"
"Yeah." It's kind of a lie, but it's my fault he got hostile.
"So what's going to happen to Matt?"
"They're going to take him to factionless today."
"Really? How do you know?"
"Max wanted to talk to me this morning about what happened and he wanted my input on how he should be punished. He said it would only be fair for me to have a say, since I'm the one who got attacked."
"Since when does Dauntless care about what's fair?"
"That's what I thought. Anyways, I said that he should be factionless. His ranking was going to put him there anyway. Is Tris okay?"
"Yeah, she's just upset about Al. She thinks that it's her fault he killed himself. He went up to her and apologized at breakfast, but she wouldn't forgive him." After this, I tell her that I'm going to take a nap. It's still morning and I just woke up, but all the things that have already happened have made me exhausted.
The next day, we are all in a room, waiting for our turn to take the final test. I know what I'll be facing and I spent the rest of yesterday preparing myself for what I have to do to pass, but I'm not entirely confident. Especially with my last fear.
When it is my turn, I walk through the doors into the large testing room and sit in the chair. I look around and see the Dauntless leaders, as well as many members. Tori, from the tattoo parlor, injects me with the serum and wishes me luck. I lean back and try to relax for a few moments until the simulation begins.
I am standing in a dark room, taking in my surroundings for a moment until I hear a loud creak as the walls begin to move in towards me. I sink down to my knees in an attempt to make the space seem larger to subdue my fear, at least for a little while. I begin to panic more when I notice something shiny on the floor. The nails. I pick them up and jam them between the floor and the wall to get it to stop moving. When they do, the wall stops and my surroundings change.
I find myself in a large body of water, floating easily for a while before the waves get higher and stronger, making it difficult for me to keep my head afloat. I struggle for a while, fighting to stay above water and gasping for air until I realize what I must do. As the next giant wave approaches me, I lean back and let it push me under, allowing myself to drown and leading me to my next fear.
When I open my eyes, I am lying on the ground. Suddenly I feel tiny little legs beginning to crawl all over me. I look down at my arm and see a spider. I attempt to brush it off and get up, but it's as if my body is glued to the floor. As more and more of the awful insects crawl on my body, the more my fear begins to rise. To calm myself, I close my eyes and imagine that the sensation on my skin is not from insect legs, but from thousands of tiny massages. After a while, my method works, and my fear landscape moves on.
I arrive in the Pit, where many Dauntless members are immersed in their own conversations. I see my friends across the room and start to go over to them, but I feel a tap on my shoulder and stop. I turn to see Eric, who happens to look far more handsome than usual. He gives me a gentle, sweet smile and I instinctively smile back.
"Hi," he says, the dorky grin on his face widening.
"Hi."
"I have something to tell you," he says, followed by a playful wink.
"Oh, yeah?" I tease back. I love this non-threatening, playful side of him.
"I love you." His confession wipes the smile right off my face.
"What?"
"I said I love you." He notices my change in mood and takes a step back, suddenly looking very nervous. "Don't you love me?"
I pick up on the fear of rejection in his voice and his stance, and it breaks my heart. The last thing I want is for my fear to hurt him. It only takes a few seconds for me to think of my response. As much as it scares me, I know that this is what I feel in my heart.
"Yeah, I do." It takes half a second for him to register what I just said, but when he does, he smiles the biggest smile I've ever seen from him and then pulls me into a passionate kiss. It's a soft and gentle, but firm and strong at the same time. It's a kiss that sets my heart and soul on fire, but it ends far too quickly as my landscape continues.
When I no longer feel Eric's warm, consuming presence, I open my eyes to see Amity. Almost immediately, I feel someone throw their arms around me and their scent of strawberries and peaches makes me know instantly that this is my mother. When she pulls away, there is a wild fire in her eyes that tells me that something is very wrong.
"Monica, you need to leave here. Now."
"Why? Mama, what's wrong?" Before she can answer, I hear someone to my right clear their throat. I look to see who it is, and it is Max. He holds out a gun for me to take and my heart begins to race.
"Shoot her."
"What?"
"I said shoot her. If you want to be Dauntless, you'll kill her." He shoves the gun into my hand and takes a step back. I look back to my mother and we both have tears in our eyes. She subtly nods her head, knowing that there is no way out of this for either of us.
"I'm sorry Mama," I choke, before aiming my gun at her head and pulling the trigger.
I appear in a small room in one of the Dauntless apartments. I suddenly hear a baby starting to cry off to my left. I walk over to the crib and pick up the most beautiful baby girl I've ever seen in my entire life. She calms down the moment I pick her up and I know instantly that this beautiful little girl is mine. I stare down at her, both of us smiling, for a while until I hear Eric call me into the other room. I put the baby back in her crib before going to see what Eric wants.
When I get into the other room, I see Eric a few steps away from the front door with a box in his hands.
"What's going on?" His response makes my heart drop into my stomach.
"I'm leaving."
"What do you mean you're leaving?"
"I'm leaving. I can't do this family thing anymore."
"But what about our daughter? She needs you!"
"Not my problem." My feelings of panic and fear begin to rise, but as Eric's hand heads for the door knob, they are quickly and mostly replaced by anger. I run towards him and just as he opens the door, I use all of my strength to slam it shut and knock the box out of his hands.
"You're not going anywhere. You're not leaving her. And you're not leaving me to do this on my own!" He pushes me back and makes for the door again, but I gain my footing just in time to slam the door shut again and punch him in the face, knocking him out cold.
The scene in front of me changes in a blink of an eye. I am now back in the Pit, surrounded by all of my friends and other Dauntless. I tune in to what is occurring around me just as Max finishes his speech and displays our rankings on the board. I am ranked fourth! And what's better than that is that all of my friends made it as well! We all smile, hug, and congratulate each other until I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around only to see my father.
"You're a disgrace."
"What?"
"Your ranking, it's humiliating."
"But fourth isn't that bad! Aren't you proud of me, Dad?"
"No, I can't be proud of someone with such a low ranking. It's not good enough, you're not good enough! You'll never be good enough to be called my daughter, ever!" My fear has been building throughout this whole conversation, but as he turns on his heel and begins to walk away, I make a realization that makes me feel better.
I call after him, "No, you're wrong! I may not be good enough for you, but I'm good enough for me. And that's all that matters." With the last word, I bolt up in the chair back in the testing room. Four helps ease me out of the chair as he congratulates me. As I leave the room, I look to combination of proud, confused, and shocked. He looks as if he wants to come and talk to me, but I walk out before he can get the chance.
Later that evening, my friends and I are in the Pit waiting for our rankings, for real this time. When they are displayed, I am truly shocked by what I see:
Tris
Monica
Uriah
Lynn
Marlene
Peter
Will
Christina
The last two are Dauntless born initiates, which means that Molly and Drew are out, as well as Matt. Peter stays, which is incredibly disappointing, but my friends and I all made it, which is what matters. And my ranking is so much higher than I could have ever dreamed it would be! I'm extremely proud of myself, as well as my friends. We hug and congratulate each other for a while, until I feel a little too suffocated and step to the side of the room to catch my breath. I stand for a while, until I feel a tap on my shoulder. I immediately tense up and slowly turn around and when I do, I see my father. There's no way this is happening for real. There's just no way. Apparently the fear is clearly written all over my face, for he holds up his hands in a signal for peace in an effort to calm me down.
"Before you freak out, please hear me out. I was in the room when you went through your test and you did extremely well. I understand why you would have your last fear, but you don't have to be afraid of me. I know I don't know you at all, but you're my daughter nevertheless. I would never be ashamed of you. And, to be honest with you, I was ranked sixth in my class, so I would have no right to be angry with you for ranking fourth if you did. And you didn't. You ranked second. I'm so proud of you. I know you probably have never wanted to meet me like this, but like I said last night, I would really love to get to know you whenever you have time amongst your job training and adjustment to Dauntless." My fear tells me to run like hell, but the look of pure sincerity and the dream I've had of meeting him since I was little convince me to change my mind.
"Ok." His smile makes me feel sure that I just made the right decision.
"Great. I go back to the wall tomorrow, but when I come back in three weeks, I'll find you."
"Ok." Unsure of what to do next and still feeling too uncomfortable to go in for a hug, I hold out my hand for him to shake. It's still very awkward, but he accepts it and we shake hands before we go our separate ways. I don't get very far before Eric grabs me and pulls me out of the Pit.
"I need to talk to you," he says, as if I have any choice in the matter. When we get outside, he spins me around. I look into his eyes, nervous about what I'll see, but they are not angry. They are hopeful.
"Is your fear why you pushed me away last night?"
"Yeah. But why did it make you so angry?" He takes a deep breath before speaking again.
"Back in Erudite, I had a crush on this girl that was a few years older than me. One day, she started to show some interest and she started coming over to my house to do homework all the time. Eventually, I fell in love with her. But it turns out that she was just using me to get close to my older brother. She completely shattered my heart. From that day forward, I swore to myself that I would never get close to a girl ever again. That's how I became so cold. I did it to keep people at bay and not let anyone in. But then you came along and turned everything upside down." I'm shocked by his admission. He's never been this open with me before and it's really sweet.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. In fact, part of me didn't even want to push you away in the first place. It's just that, I'm scared to let someone in too because if I do, then they might let me down."
"And abandon you and your child."
"Yeah."
"Listen, I really do like you. I've been attracted to you since I first saw you on the roof. Do want to start over and try this dating thing?"
"I might screw it up."
"So might I, but I'm willing to risk it if you are." The lack of his usual, cold demeanor has left me speechless and the only response I can give is a smile, a small nod, and pulling his face to mine for a kiss. This kiss is everything it was in my fear landscape and more. When we pull away for air, we look into each other's eyes and I realize that I am now more confidant in my choice to come to Dauntless than I have been throughout all of initiation.