A/N No school today! *cheers*
I actually have nothing to say.
So without further ado, let's get on with the story!

(this chapter is rated T for a reason)

Disclaimer: If I was Veronica Roth, I would have created a different ending where certain people actually live and certain OTPs remain intact.

Tris POV

"Oh, come on!" Christina squeals. "He totally likes you!"
I scoff. How can anybody like me? I'm plain, and drab, and nobody would ever cast a second glance at me. I know that I'm supposed to leave everything behind me, but I can't deny the truth. Four doesn't like me. He can't.
"He doesn't, Christina," I mumble awkwardly. "Just leave me alone."
"Self esteem, Tris! He has to like you. You saved his ass getting kicked!"
I roll my eyes. Christina squeals again. "Ooh! There's going to be a party at Uriah's house in Saturday, and today's a Thursday. Three days to get you ready! We're going shopping tomorrow. No, today."
I stop short. If there's one thing I hate most in the world, it's shopping. And with Christina, it's going to be ten times worse than usual. I'm not going to get out of this one, no matter how hard I try.
"Not today. Four's coming over later to work on our assignment, so we'll go tomorrow," I say. It's the best I can get.
"Ooh! Tomorrow's a Friday! We'll have more time! And did I hear you say Four's coming over to your house today?"
"Yes." I reply shortly. "I have to go, otherwise I'll be late for Music."
Christina finally lets me go. As I walk away, I feel a tap on my shoulder. It's Four. I look down, blushing. I have to admit it. I like him, though he can't possibly like me back. He's the kind of guy that would have loads of girls chasing after him, like Lauren. Pretty girls, girls who are so much better than me.
"What have you got next?" he asks, peering over my shoulder at the timetable I hold in my hand. His eyes scan down it, and then he lets out a chuckle. "We have all the same classes but one. I've got Music too, let's go."
I'm surprised but pleased and begin to follow him. "Ms. Wu is the music teacher," Four explains. "She's the best you're going to get." I nod and push open the doors to find students sitting in rows of chairs that are arranged in a semicircle and surround a piano and some other instruments. Lauren is in this class - but I'm not intimidated by her anymore, not when I was the one who gave her that bruised eye and split lip. The group of girls surrounding her look up and see Four beside me. Their eyes flare with anger. "Don't let them get to you," Four whispers in my ear. His whisper tickles my neck and I shiver, heat replacing the blood coursing through my veins. I sit down at the edge of a row, and as soon as I leave Four, a gaggle of girls stream over to him. I shake my head, trying not to laugh as he mouths, help me.
Why?
He looks shocked for a moment but relaxes as I mouth, just joking.
I must be brave.
I stand up on my chair and yell, "HEY!"
Everyone turns to look at me.

"In case you hadn't realized, poor Four is being overwhelmed by you SLUTS! So move away and let him sit down and breathe!"
I hop down and glance over at Four, who is smirking slightly. The girls all look at me angrily.
"Who does she think she is?"
"Four's mine! I'm not letting him go!"
"She's just an attention grabbing whore."
Where have I heard that before?
"She's just an attention grabbing whore."
"She's just an attention grabbing whore."

NO! Don't remember. Don't remember.
I don't remember, I don't remember, I can't let myself remember.
But I do, I do, I do.
I do remember.

I'm running through the hallways, running, running, running.
Where am I going?
I don't know, I don't know.
All I know is that I am running. Running from the venomous words that clamp around me and pull me back, strangling, oppressive. I'm gasping for air, helpless, helpless.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I lock myself in the toilet and pull out the blade I always keep in my pocket to remind me how useless I am.
"She's just an attention grabbing whore."
"Ugly, fat bitch."
"Nobody wants you, why don't you just go?"
"Can't you just die? I've been planning a party for when you do."

No, no, no.

I drag the blade down my arm and grit my teeth as the warm blood trickles down it. This is what I deserve for being an attention grabbing whore. This is what I earn for being an ugly, fat bitch.

Why am I still here?

Why can't I just go?

"Tris. Tris! Look at me!"
The voice is deep, rumbling. It's Four. I wince and bury my face in my hands. I once knew a voice that was the opposite of Four's. High pitched, filled with venom and malice.
Peter.

NO! Don't remember. Don't remember.
I don't remember, I don't remember, I can't let myself remember.
But I do, I do, I do.
I do remember.

I am screaming, screaming until my voice is hoarse and I have no sound left in me. I'm being dragged... where, I don't know. Where, I don't want to know.
But I need to know. I need to know.
"What use is your black belt now?" taunts a high-pitched male voice. My hands and legs are tied up. I have no way of defending myself. I let out a muffled scream into my gag.
"Slut," spits Drew as he cuts off my clothes.
No, no, no.
Peter laughs manically, pressing a knife to my stomach.
I yelp in pain.
"Oh, look at that. I wanted to take care of her arms too... but it seems like she's taken care of that. She realises what a piece of filth she is already."
No, no, no.
I am drawing in a breath, I am crying, I am sobbing. I am slipping in, and out. Where? Where? Where does the line end? When can I go?

Life is only temporary. Maybe I will leave, and wake up in another world, where the lights and sounds and words aren't so harsh.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

"Tris!"
I must look up. Four is kneeling in front of me anxiously. I look at him through blurred eyes. Everyone is staring at me.
"Come on. Here." he hands me a tissue. I feel like laughing. What use is a tissue against my demons that gnaw inside me? I take it anyway. Four sits next to me.
"Hey. Hey," he says, slipping an arm around my shoulders. I should tense up. I should. But I don't, because I don't need to. I don't feel the need to. I earn several jealous looks.
He notices, but doesn't say anything.
"Hey. It's OK. We can talk later, when I come over."
I nod and press my face into his chest, heaving a sob.
I cannot be like this. I told myself I would be strong. I told myself. I promised. I promised.
I drag in a deep breath.
I close my eyes one last time and sit up straight, wiping my eyes.
I am used to this, acting like I'm fine.
I turn to Four. "Do I look I've been crying?"
"No, Tris. You look tough as nails."

PAGEBREAKYPAGEBREAKYPAGEBREAKY

"Alright, class!" says Ms. Wu. "It is well known that the tradition is for the new student to perform in class. And it seems that the new student is Tris!"
What?
How am I supposed to perform in front after everyone after what I just went through. I blink one more time, and get up. I must be brave. I self-learnt piano from when I was nine, because it was a way to pour my depression out. I know what I'm going to sing. I close my eyes for a moment.

How can I make sure no one notices me
Don't want a conversation with nobody
And it hurts too much to say how I feel
What you don't know, is all I know

How can I make sure that I fool everyone
Gonna wear a suit and tie
And put my bravest face on
And it's far too deep to show you this wound
No it won't heal no time soon
Nobody knows what I'm going through

I'm dying inside
Who knows what I'm thinking
What I'm trying to hide
Yeah, I'm dying all night
I'm breathing but I can't feel life
I'm smiling but I'm dying inside

How can I make sure
I'm invisible
I find just a simple phrase that may say it all
'Cause it's far too soon and not the right time
What I've seen was for my eyes

And how can I make sure
No one worries for me
'Cause I don't need a helping hand
And don't want sympathy
Don't know what I need but know what I don't
What you can't see it feels so broke
That you can't see is how I'll cope

'Cause I'm dying inside
Who knows what I'm thinking
What I'm trying to hide
Yeah, I'm dying all night
I'm breathing but I can't feel life
I'm smiling but I'm dying inside

Want everyone around to think that I'm alright
Hope they assume I've left the dark and found the light
Want them to think that I don't cry myself to sleep at night

Ooh, ooh

Yeah, I'm dying inside
Who knows what I'm thinking
What I'm trying to hide
Yeah, I'm dying all night
I'm breathing but I can't feel life
I'm smiling but I'm dying inside

I play the last chord.
I realise I'm crying.
Why am I crying?

A/N the song that Tris sung was 'Dying Inside' by Gary Barlow.
So... you all know Tris' secret... there will be more revealed in the next chapter, which I have already started work on.
The song was one of many I leaned on when I was going through my depression. It was one I related to enormously, and I just wanted to share it because it helped me through a lot.
Till next time!
~Joanna