Chapter 4: Meddlesome Blondes
Henry was so excited! Operation Great Lie was a go!
For the past two weeks, his mom had been distracted. He would visit her at her office and find her staring listlessly at the wall and not working. She would watch a movie and respond to nothing during the entire film – no laughs, tears, or comments. She'd forget about meals; when he reminded her, she'd take him to Granny's or make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Something was definitely wrong with Regina Mills.
Henry wasn't a stupid little boy. He was smart. And he was the son of Regina Mills. Using his deductive reasoning, Henry quickly matched his mother's period of forgetfulness up with the arrival of Maid Marian to Storybrooke. Bingo! Robin Hood.
The Truest Believer remembered the weeks before Marian had come to town. His mom had been brighter, happier, and more energetic than he had ever seen her. She was vibrant. She was alive. He remembered how she would tag along with him to archery lessons. She would greet Roland with glee when she picked up him from school. She would spend many lunches deep in conversation with the famous noble-hearted thief. His mom had lost the light in her eyes when the wife of Robin Hood had come to town.
All of Henry's memories and analysis led him to conclude that he needed to commence a new operation. Operation Great Lie.
Three days ago, Henry had spent the day with the Charmings. When he had arrived back at the loft after school, Snow had been watching an old black and white Bette Davis film – The Great Lie. The movie had been about woman A, who was deeply in love with a man that had unfortunately married woman B. Even though the man loved woman A, he had a child with woman B. Eventually, he went back to woman A.
Henry didn't really like the film or even fully understand what was so appealing about it that it had made Snow cry. What he did know was that his mom was woman A. Marian was woman B. Robin was the man. He needed Robin to pick his mom. And presto! The Truest Believer set his latest operation into motion, believing with all his heart that Robin Locksley would follow his heart, overcome the obstacles, and choose the love of his life Regina Mills.
Upon Henry's conclusion that he just had to play matchmaker, he began searching his storybook for more answers about the histories of Robin Hood and his mom. After he had scoured the book four times, he stumbled upon the jackpot on his fifth try. As if it had appeared by magic, a lone, disconnected page sat in the back of his book. The page was an illustration of his mom and Robin kissing. His initial thoughts were, Yuck! Gross! I don't wanna see that ever again! But then the smart young man approached the situation thoughtfully. I need to know more.
Where do I go to find more? Henry had seen his mother slowly warming up to a pushy blonde pixie ever since the gang had returned from the Enchanted Forest. Tinkerbell had brought out a silly, flippant side in his mother that he had rarely seen before. Sometimes, Henry even witnessed giggles or the occasional hushed, important-looking conversation. If anyone could tell him more about his mom's past, it was Green.
Enter Tinkerbell. On one of Emma's days with Henry, he had run over to the Jolly Roger after school. Emma was busy with her Sheriff duties, so she wouldn't miss him for a half hour. Sure enough, Tink was there. When she wasn't at the convent bickering with Blue or at the mansion, Tink was sure to be on the pirate ship with her favorite pirate. Henry unloaded his thoughts and hopes on the boisterous fairy, only to be met with much excitement and scheming.
Since that afternoon summit, the two had been thick as thieves. Their text conversation was an ongoing stream of subject research, ideas, jokes, and even Parent Trap references in their quest to push Regina toward her secret crush.
Henry lay on his bed writing furiously. His math worksheet sat out in front of him – off to the side. His Operation Great Lie composition book was taking the brunt of his abusive scribbling and never-ending thoughts.
DING!
Henry picked up his cell phone. He had just received a new text message. From Tinkerbell.
"I'm calling you now," it read.
His "Little Talks" ringtone sounded off.
"Hey, Tink! Guess what I was working on! I… What? They're coming over?! TONIGHT! I think we should…"
The countdown was on.
Regina dashed around the house like a woman possessed. The food isn't ready. I don't have my dress on yet. Henry is nowhere to be seen. And the Locksleys will be here in less than ten minutes!
She decided to check on her son first.
"Henry!"
Regina reached the second story landing and rounded the bend in the hallway. She was just about to knock on Henry's closed bedroom door, when she heard sounds a voice speaking from within.
"Tink, hurry up! Mom's gonna flip if you don't get here soon!"
Regina chuckled at her son's demanding tone. Usually, the strict mayor would reprimand Henry if he addressed an adult in such a disrespectful manner. Under the stressful circumstances of the evening, however, the nervous brunette was ready to flog the childlike pixie herself if the blonde dared to arrive late. Regina's amusement quickly ended when Henry spoke again.
"You have to stick with the plan, Tink. You can't be too crazy, or Mom will find out… No. I know… But the operation is going to be hard with her here. We can't just-"
Regina chose that moment to step into her son's room. She had heard that little bit of her son's phone conversation and was equally suspicious and curious.
"Tink, mom's here. I gotta call you back. Bye." Henry ended the call and threw his phone at the end of the bed.
"Hey, mom."
The devious boy did his best to wipe his mind of Operation Great Lie and focus on presenting an innocent expression. He smiled with as much brightness as he could muster.
"Henry. What were you talking to Tinkerbell about? What operation?"
"Tinkerbell called to talk about… umm... I… uh… Blue. The nuns are… you know, always helping at the hospital. Some lady needs to have an operation… ehrm… on her hip, and she is really crabby. She's scared, so Tink thought I might visit her to cheer her up and convince her to go ahead with the surgery with my boyish charm."
Regina eyed her son skeptically. The rushed and stuttered speech did not convince her of truthfulness – at all!
"Surely you can come up with a more plausible story than that. The nuns and a medical operation, Henry? Really? Now what is this new operation you have started? Operation Panda? Walrus? Seahorse? And who is it interfering with this time? Hmm?"
His mother was staring down Henry with such determination and slight threatening. Henry was about to answer, most likely with another lie or brush-off…
DING DONG! The door bell rang.
Regina turned to exit the room, but not before she shot Henry a stern look that said, This conversation is far from over, mister.
The mayor hastily retreated from her son's bedside and descended the stairs to greet her callers. She swung open the door to reveal the Locksley clan.
"I'm so pleased that you're here! Please, come in," greeted Regina, beckoning the family to enter.
Robin ushered his wife in with his hand pressed gently upon her lower back. Roland shot past the adults and into the foyer.
"Henry! HEEEEEEENRY!"
"Honey," Regina addressed Roland, crouching down beside him. "Henry is in his room waiting for you. I'm sure he'd love for you to join him. You boys can play until dinner is ready in about twenty minutes."
As soon as Regina finished speaking, the small boy darted up the stairs on his path toward Henry.
Having taken in the impressive initial view of the interior of the mansion, Marian remarked, "Thank you so much for inviting us. Your home is beautiful. Wouldn't you agree, Robin?"
"Huh?"
Robin was stuck in a stupor. His brain had turned into a pile of mush as soon as the door had opened to reveal Regina. When his eyes caught sight of the mayor in her tight gray dress, all prior thoughts flew from his mind. Then she turned. When she pivoted and crouched to talk to Roland, the only thing in sight was a tantalizing view of her fully exposed back. How he was tempted to reach out and touch the expanse of smooth flesh!
"The home, Robin. It's magnificent."
"Oh. Uh… Yes. Truly stunning."
The mesmerized archer finally remembered to breathe. Even while realizing his wife was speaking, Robin kept his eyes glued to Regina's form, as his response complimented not the mansion but its stunning owner.
Neither woman was oblivious to Robin's blatant perusal of Regina's body. Marian's feelings on the subject were on display with her flaming cheeks, partially a sign of her anger but more as proof of her intense discomfort and humiliation. The temptress herself was internally disconcerted by the situation. She would have loved the attention had it not been for the fact that his wife was there. As it was, she felt sorry for the disregarded other woman.
Regina, ever the professional mayor and perfect hostess, neutralized her facial features and attempted to move on from the awkwardness toward a hopefully pleasant evening. Clearing her throat, she said, "Please. Won't you both join me in the study? Dinner will not be ready for a short while, but perhaps we can talk while we have some cider."
The Locksleys followed their hostess into the mayor's personal study. The room was at once intimidating – with its looming oak bookcases and rigid antique chairs – and intimate.
Just like the woman, Robin thought. Regina can be so bloody frustrating. She is both the larger-than-life queen and mayor – so fiery but mysterious and aloof. And then she is just Regina. She tries to distance herself, but her big heart always shines through. Why must I have such a wonderful best friend who is both incredibly alluring and gorgeous, as well as deep and captivating?!
"Please, make yourselves comfortable." Regina made her way over to the drink cart and poured her special cider from the crystal decanter sitting there. "Would you care for a drink?"
Both Robin and Marian accepted the glasses proffered and sat quietly sipping the beverage.
"Regina, this is really quite good!" Marian smiled, complimenting the homemade treat.
"Why, thank you. I do pride myself on the cider. I make it myself from the fruit of my apple tree. It is the one thing I have left of my youth. I have tended to that tree my entire life. My father…he…well, it reminds me of him." Regina stared off into space and wistfully thought of her father.
Robin almost did a double take. Never in our time together has she ever so willingly mentioned her past!
"It truly tastes wonderful. I am glad that I have had the chance to taste Your Majesty's drink of choice. And I am sure your father would be proud that you still take such care of your tree."
Regina snapped out of her fog. I am sure my father is not proud. How could he be proud of me? Me. The Evil Queen! One tree and a batch of cider cannot possibly figure into the equation that also involved hundreds – possibly thousands – of lives that have been taken at my hand! And how dare she be so nice to me! She is supposed to hate me! I desire her husband! My best friend! A married man! The same man who was, only moments ago, indiscreetly checking me out right in front of her very eyes! This is an utter nightmare!
"Marian, you really must be careful. The Queen is quite a crafty one, and the cider has very powerful magical properties," Robin informed his wife smugly with faux concern.
Regina rolled her eyes. "Only an outlaw, who has drunk a whole glass of said dangerous beverage, would say that."
"'Outlaw', huh? And you're also implying I'm a liar! I thought I was 'Thief'!"
"Cannot a man such as yourself be many things? You shortchange yourself…Thief."
"Aww, Your Majesty. I do not shortchange myself. I was just waiting to hear you list all the qualities you fancy about me," replied Robin, smirking all the while.
"Fancy! I assure you that traits such as lying are not what I fancy about you!" Regina retorted, allowing herself a small grin.
"You admit you do fancy me! Pray tell. What are those traits that make me so likable?" Robin's ever expanding grin drew Regina in, both challenging her in an irritating manner and endearing her.
"Hmm… let me think… I never did care for your entitlement. How many Black Guards did you cut down? Also, you targeted my coffers all too often! I certainly don't fancy your vanity. Nor do I hold any fondness for how you smell like forest." I must admit I loved to be challenged by the infamous bandit who foiled my bumbling knights. Your conviction in your beliefs is awe-inspiring. And I really do love your masculine forest scent.
"The lady doth protest too much! I am quite pleasantly surprised that you noticed my wonderful odor!" Robin chuckled.
"I most certainly did not say that it is pleasant!" Regina sniffed as if indignant. "I am afraid I am having a bit of trouble coming up with your good qualities."
"Well, milady, I am quite sad that you refuse to admit to our friendship and name my finer points, as I could name quite a few things I fancy about you."
Both the queen and the archer smiled at their familiar repartee. Marian, on the other hand, was fuming. Her puzzlement was quickly shifting from awkwardness and confusion to feeling jilted, as the two 'friends' carried on with their banter that dipped heavily into flirtation.
DING DONG!
DING DONG!
"REGINA!"
THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!
"REGIIIIINAAAAAA!"
The mayor turned to her two guests. "Please excuse me. I must tend to the rather persistent pest banging at my door."
She strode out of the room quickly and toward the front door. Assuming a power stance, Regina flung open the door.
Skipping formal greetings and exuding exasperation… "Whatever is the problem, Miss Swan?"
The blonde before her swayed nervously, looking down at the ground sheepishly. "Sorry for bothering you. I… umm… I brought Henry's backpack. He'll need his textbooks."
Regina grabbed the heavy knapsack from Emma's arms and set it beside the door. "Thank you, Miss Swan. I'll see that Henry gets it. Now, if you wouldn't mind, I have guests. Good evening."
Just as the imperious brunette was closing the door, Emma stopped her and stepped inside.
"Wait! I really need to talk to you."
Regina sighed. "Now is really not a good time. Couldn't we speak tomorrow?"
"No. Please, Regina," Emma pleaded.
"Fine. What is it, Miss Swan?"
"I haven't seen you for a while now. You're probably avoiding me. I mean… I don't know that you are, but I wouldn't blame you. For avoiding me, that is. I know what I did was wrong. I went back to the past. I didn't know what I was doing! I was stuck in a foreign realm and trying to stay alive, for crying out loud. Sorry. I got off track. Anyway, I need to apologize. I still know that what I did was ultimately the right thing. I can't be sorry for saving a life! But I already said that. Umm… I am so sorry for not being more thoughtful. I can't say I would change the outcome or my reasoning. But I am sorry for not thinking through the repercussions. There. I'm done."
Emma breathed out a sigh of relief. She looked up hopefully for an acceptance of her apology, but she found only the mayor's chilling stare.
"So what you're trying to tell me is 'Sorry but not sorry'?" Regina asked disgustedly, even using over-exaggerated air quotations. "Do you want me to welcome you back to Storybrooke with open arms and welcome you into my home like we are some sort of friends? All because you said you're sorry for whatever repercussions came about?! But you're NOT sorry for what happened! You're asking for my supposed forgiveness so you can clear the air. So that you can assuage your guilt."
"No! I mean… Yes. No. I guess… sorta? When you say it like that, I feel like a real jerk." Emma rubbed the back of her head. Boy, does that woman know how to cut a person to shreds with her words! I need to make this right and do it fast!
"Why do you sound so surprised?" Regina directed a pointed glare at the blonde sheriff.
"Listen, Regina. What I mean to say is that I am sorry – to you. I know this may not come across as much, since I admittedly said I wouldn't change what I did in saving Marian's life. But I am begging that you forgive me. Before I got sucked into that time travel portal, we were building something. We were able to be in the same room together without fighting – at least, most of the time. We've worked out a peaceful arrangement with Henry. You were teaching me magic. I thought we were becoming friends. I know that when I brought Marian back that all changed. I know that that – that I – changed a lot for you. We had a somewhat friendship before. And I guess I screwed that up. I'd still like that, but I understand if we can't have anything anymore. Please, can't we at least agree to try for Henry's sake? You have to understand where I was coming from!" Emma ended her spiel breathlessly and waited for an answer to her pleas.
"Emma, I really must return to my dinner guests. I understand what you're saying. I can't talk about this right now. Perhaps we can continue at a later date."
"No! Please hear me! I really value the friendship we had. I hate what I did to you!" The Sheriff's eyes were almost teary. Her arms were outstretched toward Regina. Her posture hunched over penitently.
"And just what do you think you did to me, Miss Swan?" Regina growled. The defensive lioness had come out of her cage. She was not willing to let herself be made a victim by the Savior.
"Regina, I am so forever sorry for how my rescue mission screwed up your happiness! I know that you and Robin were in a relationship - or on the brink? Mom told me how much time you spent with him while I was away. And from what she's told me, I think he really cares for you. You care for him, too. Or maybe even more… Maybe you love him. I don't think he's going to throw you away just because his wife came back. Couldn't you talk to him? I could talk to him. I-"
"Enough!" The increasingly angered brunette cut off the babbling younger woman. "You are completely wrong and out of line. I am fine. I don't need your half apologies. I certainly DO NOT need you reading into my personal life! Furthermore, you will not be speaking to ANYONE on my behalf! Are we clear? Has your mother been training you in the hope and self-righteousness departments? As I said, Miss Swan, I am fine. I do not care for your justifications, nor do I desire your brand of friendship. I will not retaliate and come after you if only for Henry. We will speak when it concerns Henry, but that is all. Good day!"
With that, the mayor slammed the door shut and turned to walk away. She did not even care to notice the speechless Savior she had left in her wake.
"Mom! Is dinner ready?!" Henry bounded down the stairs with Roland at his heels.
Dinner? Oh! Dinner! I cannot believe I got so sidetracked by Miss Swan and her morally stilted attempt at an apology! I hope I didn't burn the lasagna!
"It should be ready now. Let me go check. How about you and Roland go wash your hands and then come down to the dining room for supper?"
Regina watched as her son and Roland happily scampered to the restroom to wash up. Roland! The fleeting glimpse of the smaller boy triggered her thoughts to turn toward the boy's parents. Robin! The Savior and her big mouth! But they couldn't have heard! Could they?
Regina headed to the kitchen to check on the dinner.
Unfortunately, the ever-impatient Madame Mayor had left the door to the study wide open when she had made her way to greet Miss Swan. That open door had left any conversation between Regina and Emma as fair game for hearing ears in the not-so-far-away room.
Marian was frozen in her seat. Can what the Savior said be true? Did my Robin CARE for the Evil Queen? From what the Savior said, it sounded as if there could've been more. No wonder Roland speaks of the Queen day and night! This is why Robin could not stop surveying the woman's backside for far too long! Why his looks hold so much reverence and kindness! Why he speaks with so much familiarity and coquetry! How could I not have figured this out sooner? What am I saying?! How could Robin have let that woman near my son?! HOW. COULD. HE?
Robin Locksley had certainly heard what was said in the foyer. He sat immobile but with the internal energy that made him feel as if he was ready to combust. Emma Swan implied that I am Regina's happiness. She said we cared for each other. Maybe more? Snow White sees the same. What does this mean? I do care for Regina. We are friends. She is like my sister. No. Not exactly. But I do care for her. I wish she'd talk to me. I wish I knew how she felt. I wish I could hold her. I wish… No. We are friends. Good friends. Regina knows that. She feels the same. What did she say? Yes. She told Emma that she was wrong. Wrong about us. I have to let these curiosities go. We will have a nice dinner together. Friends. Just friends.
Regina pulled the lasagna out of the oven. It looked scrumptious – cooked to perfection with mild golden brown baked pasta with her secret sauce layered evenly on top. The asparagus, garlic bread, and mixed fruit had already been set out. Now, I just have to grab the salad and…
Pounding at the door once again echoed through the house.
"What now?" Regina grumbled.
"WHAT must you say now, Miss Swan?!"
The blonde sheriff was indeed standing on the porch. So was another blonde – Tink.
"What have I missed?" The pixie grinned.