Chapter 5: Dinner Down in Flames
Regina would have liked to have thought that she had endured far more awkward situations than this – childhood meals when she suffered her mother's wrath, dinners at the White Palace where she was ignored by Leopold, or even the silent, solitary suppers during the pre-Henry years of the Curse. After running down the list of other options, the long-suffering hostess concluded that no dinner before tonight had ever been so uncomfortable.
One lovesick former baddy. Her scheming son. Her son's scheming partner of a pixie. An emotionally torn archer. His confused and slightly jealous wife. Their innocent son. Lastly, one blonde party-crasher with a loud mouth. The motley crew sat around the grand dining room table. Furtive glances and strained conversations were the only semblance of communication that prevailed.
Regina wanted to be around her thief but could not openly show him affection. She wanted to reach out to Marian in an official mayoral and personally apologetic capacity. She always loved spending time with Roland. The revelation that Miss Swan's careless actions had once again landed her in trouble, however, knocked the wind out of her sails. If no one else would speak or make this party lively, then why should she?
Emma broke the silence that had settled over the group. "What's the big dinner for, anyway? You've never been one for too many guests, Regina."
"Very becoming of you, Savior. Please! I insist that you continue to invade my personal space, sit at the table of a dinner party to which you were not invited, and behave like a sow at its trough. Even Henry knows not to speak whilst eating!" Regina's customary snarkiness rose to a whole new level.
Emma gulped, quickly swallowing her mouthful of lasagna. "The lasagna is good, by the way. But I may have to take that back since Madame Mayor Snarky has reemerged. But seriously, what's the deal with the special dinner? And your special guests?" Emma indecorously jerked her head toward the married couple.
"I simply wanted to have over a few friends." Regina sipped her water calmly.
"Friends?!"
Emma almost choked at the mention of Regina with friends. Madame Mayor was certainly not a regular rave-thrower or even teatime companion. Something was definitely fishy about this get-together.
"Me. I am her friend. Regina never needs an excuse to invite over her best friend in the whole world!" Tink exclaimed with childish enthusiasm.
Thank you, Tink. You could not have picked a better moment to interrupt and dismantle Miss Swan's disgusting tries at inserting herself in places where she is NOT wanted. Carry on!
Tink did carry on. Knowing the mayor was all ulcers and anger, the pixie attempted to redirect focus away from Regina and move the conversation along to areas that she could control. "Marian, we haven't really had the chance to speak. What were your initial impressions of this world? How do you like it so far?"
"I was rather frightened when The Savior whisked me away to this new land of yours. I had not even been in the villages or at court since I was very young – before I married my Robin." She gazed fondly at her husband. "To be freed from the sentence of impending death and to be brought to a strange village full of modern convenience… I am still rather shaken. Robin showed me how to use the… What is it called? The shower? Robin taught me the luxuries of a shower last night…"
Marian giggled. Robin barked with laughter.
Regina was sickened. I thought it was MAID Marian. Please keep any PERSONAL memories within the confines of your fat head!
"Robin turned on the shower-"
Robin cut in. "She jumped. My Marian, who has faced down the Sheriff of Nottingham and many a ruffian with the best of my Merry Men, was absolutely petrified. She hopped right into my arms!"
Marian punched her jolly spouse in the arm. "OUCH!" He yelped.
"You deserved it! I was only a little fearful. I spent my entire life bathing in the stillness of streams and lakes, and there he went springing live water on me! I cannot believe one can have a waterfall at one's beck and call at all hours of the day with which to wash!"
"There are many things about this world that come as beautiful surprises, Maid Marian. Also, be rest assured that I myself had a fearful encounter or two when I first became accustomed to modern appliances and technology." Regina offered her rival a gentle smile.
"I would have paid to have seen that!" Emma snickered.
"Me, as well! Fortunately, I did get the chance to see Robin's introduction to Storybrooke. Do you remember the microwave debacle?" The mischievous pixie turned her attention to the sole male adult at the table.
"What happened? I would love to hear this tale!" Marian asked curiously.
"Don't you dare!" Robin warned. He groaned, knowing that the green fairy would let nothing stand in her way of a good prank or tease.
"You would love to hear this tale, Marian, and I am more than willing to share it. I came over in the morning to have breakfast with these two," Tink started, pointing to Regina and Robin. "Your lazy husband was still snoring on the couch. Our lovely queen, being the early riser that she is, was already in the kitchen cooking. The stove's timer sounded. The beeping startled Robin awake. He sprang off the couch and rushed into the kitchen. When he detected where the noise was coming from, he grabbed a wooden spoon and charged at the oven. 'I'll save you from that demon, milady!' Robin yelled." At this point in the recounting, Tink doubled over in fits of laughter.
"Did Daddy hit the evil stove?" Roland, formerly bored by the adult conversation, was fascinated with the story about his father. His young mind was intently trying to grasp the foreshadowed humor the fairy was projecting.
"Indeed I did, Roland. I never let anyone get hurt on my watch! In the future, though, I will avoid the evil stove." Robin sighed and gave a wry chuckle.
"Poor Robin, the impulsive fool that he is, did not think to take in the situation. The stove is, after all, an inanimate and unmoving object. No. He ran at the stove, ready to fight. The stove won that battle. His whole arm was burned." Regina was warmed by the memory. He was such a big baby! Tink brought soup over from Granny's especially for him. He was laid up on my guest bed the entire day while I waited on him hand and foot. The beautiful fool!
"Robin! Were you hurt?!" Marian became alarmed by the story of her archer getting hurt and checked over him, as if he had just gotten burned.
"Marian, this happened weeks ago! It was only a light burn. I was in the capable hands of Regina – and Tink. I was fine then and am fine now. Nothing to worry about." Robin gave his concerned wife a comforting touch on the shoulder.
"Yes, Maid Marian. Regina would never let Robin be hurt. She took good care of him on numerous occasions when he was injured – both in the Enchanted Forest and here in Storybrooke." Tink informed Marian with an innocent, wide-eyed expression.
I don't know what I'd have done if she hadn't healed me all the many times in the Enchanted Forest after the flying monkey attacks. Even here in this world… Nevermind Emma Swan. This woman is the real Savior. Robin was lost in starry-eyed thoughts.
What is she doing? Letting the wife know about my presence in Robin's life will only convince her that she needs to distance Robin from me! Regina winced.
Marian was shocked at the tidbits of information that were streaming in. REGINA?! Regina cared for MY Robin on many occasions? Regina this… Regina that… Am I truly to believe this monster has reformed into a goddess of all things pure and good?! And just WHAT was Robin doing sleeping here? Why did he spend the night on her couch? How many times did he sleep in HER home? How close are they?!
Score! Tink's on a roll. Marian needs to know that my mom can take care of Robin and Ro just as well – if not better – than she ever could! You go, Tink! Henry internally cheered.
The now excited boy plunged ahead with his operation. "Robin?"
Everyone snapped out of the deluge of whirring minds.
"Yes, my boy?"
That woman's son is not YOUR boy, Robin! What about our son? What about Roland? Marian fanned herself; her insides burning seemed to be affecting her body temperature.
"Robin, I was wondering why you haven't been around the last couple weeks? We haven't had archery lessons in a while. I haven't even talked to you at the diner recently." Henry tugged on Robin's heartstrings.
"Sorry, Henry. I've just been a bit busy with settling in Marian and dealing with the Merry Men. I'm sure we can get your archery lessons back on track. In the meantime, have you been practicing with your bow?"
"Definitely! I've been trying to hit the tree every day after school! Don't worry, Mom. It's not your apple tree that I've been targeting. I think I'm improving, but I need help with how to grasp the bow. The one you gave me is bigger than the practice set I had been using. Please, Robin, come over soon! I've missed you." Henry begged sweetly.
Keep at that puppy-like pouting, Henry. With your persistence, Robin is sure to fold. Operation Great Lie might turn out to be a success, Tink thought.
"I'll see what I can do. How about next week?"
Henry wanted his mom happy and that wasn't going to happen with the proposed timeline. "Can't we do it a little sooner? It's weird not having you home. I know Mom's missed you."
Tink could have slammed her head on the table when she heard the bold reply from her operational partner. You do NOT expose the queen's feelings and get away with it. Proceed carefully!
Marian pondered the 'home' comment. Did my husband live with the harlot who murdered me?!
Regina breathed in sharply. "Henry! Don't pressure Robin!"
"It's fine, Regina. I truly enjoy his company – and yours. Okay, Henry. How about we practice tomorrow?" Robin's almost fatherly care toward Henry was replaced by a smug look of pride pointed at Her Majesty. "Milady, I am delighted to hear that you've missed me."
"In your dreams, Thief!" Regina scoffed. "Little boys truly do know how to tell tall tales." The embarrassed brunette sent a chastising glare her son's way.
"That they do, milady. But our little boys are quite smart. Young Henry knows his mother. I think you missed me a lot." The devilish gleam in Robin's eyes was reminiscent of those adventurous days they spent in the Enchanted Forest sparring and teasing each other.
Marian refused to sit silently through another round of mating rituals. "I missed you all those days she held me prisoner in the dungeon!"
"Marian!" Robin exclaimed. The accusatory outburst was completely out of character for his usually docile wife. "You know that Regina is sorry for what she did and who she was in those days. It will never make up for what has happened and the time we lost, but we must move on. I did, however, miss you then as well."
Her husband's gentle rebuke seemed to pacify the maiden.
"AHHHH!"
The tentative peace was disrupted. Robin leaped out of his chair, his pants soaked. He dabbed in vain at the drenched legwear with a napkin. Upon further examination, one could see Tink's water glass overturned and rolled emptily on the table.
"I am so sorry, Robin. How clumsy of me! You must get out of those pants. Regina, you have some of Robin's clothes that he can wear, correct?" Tink spun to address the hostess.
What is Tink playing at? After having heard Henry's call with the blonde pixie and listening to the mercurial dinner conversation, Regina was convinced that Tink was one step ahead of the rest of the people present. "Yes, Robin. I still have some of your apparel in my guest room closet. You can run up and find something to change into, if you like."
Robin nodded and quickly headed to get out of his ruined attire.
Once he was gone, Regina attempted to salvage her wrecked dinner party. "Again, Marian. I am sorry. I have changed and will not bring harm to you or your family ever again." She murmured softly. "I would never lay a hand on Robin or your sweet little boy."
Yes, Your Majesty. He is MY child. They are both MINE. Robin's clothes will soon be out of your closet, and both my son and husband will soon be out of your life! Marian was not about to roll over for some meek apology. The Evil Queen wanted blood. And so she will get blood!
"Just like you have never hurt your own son? Oh, I heard about the apple tart affair from the Savior and Snow White! I never want my son subjected to eternal sleep or your living, breathing brand of poison!"
"Sorry, Regina! I never meant-" Emma's new apology was shut down with the laser-like, penetrating anger radiating from the queen's dark eyes.
Marian's tongue-lashing triggered Roland. He began sobbing violently. The boy had lost his mother at a very young age and was unaccustomed to having a mother. For years, it was just he, his papa, and the Merry Men. Then, Gina came into their lives. She gave him Mr. Monkey. She fed him treats and ate ice cream with him. She read him bedtime stories and kissed him on the forehead. She gave him the warmest hugs imaginable. His papa had always told him about his brave, beautiful mother – but that was but stories to the young tike. All he knew was that two weeks ago his mother suddenly appeared. That's when Gina stopped spending time with him. Papa pushed him to be happy and excited for his mother's return. He tried, even though he missed Gina. But now his mother had yelled at Gina.
"Stop, Mother! Stop! Don't shout at Gina! She is good. She's nice to me!"
Roland ran over to his Gina. "Gina, help!" He cried and settled into her arms. Madame Mayor put down any coldness or professionalism and hugged the boy. Now, she was a mother. She picked up young Roland and set him upon her lap, all the while soothingly rubbing his back and whispering hushes and loving words in his ears.
"What was that, sweetheart?" Regina could not make out the undistinguishable syllables whimpered out amidst the heavy bawling.
The crying turned into sniffles, and Roland raised his face to look at Regina. "Would you be my mama?"
"Oh, darling…" Regina was at a loss for words. I would love nothing more than to be your mama. To be married to your papa. To tuck you in every night and keep you safe from every scary thing. But she knew she couldn't. She knew what she had to say.
"Darling, you already have a mother. Your mama loves you and is there for you. I am Henry's mother. But I will always care for you and protect you."
"Never again!" Marian launched herself out of her seat and rounded the table to reach her child and the former Evil Queen. "You will not care for my child! You will not go anywhere near my child! My child! HE IS MINE! He is not yours! Robin is not yours! Stay out of our lives! You may be the Evil Queen, but I will fight you to the death! Unhand my son, evil witch!"
Marian snatched Roland out of Regina's lap and carried him at a running pace to the entryway.
Robin had just finished descending the stairs dressed in a fresh pair of pants. "Marian, what's going on?"
"We are leaving. NOW!"
Marian and Roland vanished from the mansion with a slammed door marking their exit.
Robin gazed after them in bewilderment. "Apologies, Regina. I am so sorry. I will see you tomorrow for our lesson, Henry. Or perhaps not. See you soon. Farewell." Then he was gone, too.
"That went well."
"Don't start, Tink. Don't speak. Just keep cleaning dishes."
Regina did not want to have a drawn-out conversation with her blonde friend. She had a splitting headache and a broken heart. Her whole being craved Robin. Her motherly instincts worried after Roland. Her darkness called to the deep want to execute Maid Marian once and for all. With her emotions raging as they were, she did not want to be pressured by the nosey pixie one way or the other. At least Miss Swan has left. I don't think I could handle battling two infuriating blondes at the moment.
"I'm only stating the facts. It went well."
Regina raised an eyebrow. She rolled her eyes. She scrunched her nose. She narrowed her eyes. Every piece of Regina that spelled annoyance was put on display. Oh, really? It went well? Do tell how well it went!
"I guess I first said that sarcastically. However… It did go well."
The night's hostess did not remember anything of which she could be proud. "Are you inhaling too much pixie dust on your time off-duty? What went well?"
"Tonight. Marian exploded on you. You stayed calm. Roland became upset. Roland doesn't like Marian. The dinner party was a disaster and couldn't have gone more wrong. Marian went wrong! And you ask me what went well… HA!" Tink mentally patted herself on the back and then continued scraping food off a plate.
Regina paused her fluid motion involved in loading the dishwasher and cornered the pixie. "I knew it! You planned this all along!"
"What? Just what do you think I planned, Queen Smarty?"
The suspicious brunette leveled the petite blonde with a glare. "You are much too happy about how this night has gone. You were not distracted with the mess of a dinner or any of the ensuing antics. No. You just listed the carnage as successes and attributed them to Marian. Now that I think of it, your additions to the dinner conversation were particularly provocative. I think you caused this to happen!"
"I am flattered by all the power you claim I have, Regina. Do you really think I could have foreseen – much less, planned – for everything to happen the way it did?!" Tink defended herself vigorously.
"No. You just had prior knowledge of my relationship with Robin. You knew just what colors of the truth to reveal to Marian so that she would blow her top in a seemingly irrational fashion. Admit it."
"I did no such thing."
"I will not argue with you. You did. Very well played, dear. Won't you accept compliments from Her Majesty the former Evil Queen herself? You might as well. I will not harm my best friend. I already robbed you of your wings once. Though I am a bit miffed at your upending of my peaceable gathering, I do secretly feel somewhat amused at your hijinks." Regina released a wicked smirk.
"Fine. I admit some culpability. In my defense, I did stop Emma from blasting you to kingdom come at your own table!" Tink retorted lightly.
"That you did. As I often say to Miss Swan and her Charming posse, thank you, but no, thank you. I would show my gratitude and then chew you out, but I'd rather retire to my bedchambers. You can see yourself out."
The regal hostess of the year drained the sink, closed the dishwasher, and strode out of the kitchen and in the direction of her master suite.
When Tink had nearly reached the front door, she heard the typical foreboding tone from her favorite queen that she had grown to love.
"We will talk about Henry and his operation tomorrow. Good night!"
PREVIEW:
- Things pick up - more action, drama, angst, flashbacks
- Regina meets a dark stranger