Chapter 6: Ghosts From the Past

She needed to get out of there, and fast. Beckett could feel every eye in the room following her as she darted out as quickly as she could, and the erratic beat of her heart was almost deafening in her own ears. Turning left down the first corridor she encountered, she stumbled across what looked like an empty room. The lights were off, so the risk of running into someone in there was low. She entered and closed the door behind her, resting her forehead on the cool wood surface, letting free the breath she was holding in her chest.

"Rough night, huh?"

The voice at her back startled her so badly that she bumped her forehead on the door. Turning around, she spotted a familiar figure in the shadows.

"Patricia?"

As her eyes adjusted to the darkness inside the room, she was able to discern the wetness coating the other woman's cheeks. She approached her carefully, afraid that Patricia would bolt or ask her to leave.

"What's wrong?" Beckett asked.

"Nothing. I'm fine," Patricia murmured, turning away from her and letting her hair fall like a curtain to hide her face from Beckett.

"Trish… I know it's been a while, but you still can talk to me. I will listen. I promise."

"Don't worry, Katie. I'm okay. You can go back to the party," Patricia said, a little sniffle at the end of the sentence giving her away.

Beckett couldn't fathom the idea of leaving her crying alone, so she pressed on. "Come on, Trish. It's me. I won't judge."

"You'd be the only one," Patricia scoffed. Beckett took that as an invitation to talk, so she sat on the couch next to her and rested a hand on the other woman's knee tentatively, still afraid she would scare her away.

"What happened?"

"Nothing special. Just the usual scrutiny," Patricia said, turning slightly towards Beckett and allowing her to see her face for the first time since she sat down. Her eyes were red, and moisture coated her cheeks. "Albert is not here, and that got people gossiping. I can't fault them, really. I know I would be doing the same, if it were another person on the other side."

"Where is he?" Beckett asked in a near whisper.

The blonde woman just shrugged in response, and they fell silent for a couple of minutes. The only noise in the room was the distant murmur of voices from the party and the ticking of a pendulum clock in the corner. Finally, Patricia broke the silence.

"I'm not happy, Katie. Not really," she admitted. "From the outside, it might seem like a perfect life, but in reality, I'm lonely. My friends are measured by what they can get from me. If I were bankrupt or victim of a scandal, they would scamper away faster than I could say my own name."

Patricia's gaze was directed towards the large windows covering one of the walls as she spoke, her glazed eyes staring ahead. She was so absorbed in her tale that she didn't even acknowledge Beckett sitting beside her. For her part, Beckett didn't want to interrupt. Patricia looked like she could use someone to listen to her, and she was happy to be that person for her.

"My fiancé would rather spend his free time at his office in the city than with me. He goes on more and more business trips, especially on the weekends, and I've caught him more than once on the phone with his secretary outside of working hours. And they weren't discussing work, if you know what I mean."

Patricia snapped back to reality with those words and looked at Beckett, smiling sadly at her. "You know? I never finished my degree. I met Albert when I was 21, and I went from living out of my parents' fortune to living out of his. I didn't need to study anymore. Marrying him became my only goal. When I do that, I will have nothing else, except maybe children that would be raised by their nannies while I have tea with my bitch friends."

"Trish…" Beckett began, but trailed off, at a loss of what to say. Seeing her old friend hurting like that was breaking her heart, and she felt like nothing she could say would make it better for her. Patricia only offered a tight-lipped smile, then continued talking.

"I've only been this unhappy once before; in college, when the only person I fully trusted betrayed me. In both occasions, I felt like I had hit bottom. And both times, you were there," she said, looking straight into Beckett's eyes.

"I haven't done anything," she started to protest, but Patricia didn't let her.

"You're here," she stated, her voice calm. "When I saw you the other day, it was like a sign that I had to make a change."

"You overestimate me, Trish. I didn't do anything but abandon you," Kate said, feeling the guilt weigh down on her. "I'm very sorry for how I treated you back then. I truly am."

"You were hurting," Patricia dismissed with a wave of her hand. "And don't sell yourself short."

Beckett snorted and dipped her head, trailing her eyes to the floor, but Patricia startled her by taking her hand, regaining her attention.

"You will never know how much you helped me back then," she continued, her tone insistent. "You made me open my eyes and realize that I had to fight my own battles; that I didn't need anyone if I was strong enough. It looks like I've forgotten that lesson," she finished, averting her eyes to her lap

"Oh, Trish… You're still that girl. I know that."

Patricia chuckled lightly at that, and a warm smile formed on her lips. This was her friend, not the nosy and uptight woman that she had seen all weekend.

"Nobody has called me Trish since you left Stanford," Patricia said, and Beckett returned her smile. "I was so glad when I saw you the other day, Katie."

Beckett squeezed her hand in response, smiling fondly at her.

"Can you keep a secret?" Patricia asked.

"Of course," she nodded.

"I don't think my relationship with Albert is going to work," she said with a sigh. "I feel like he's just been avoiding me for so long. I mean, he hasn't showed up at his own engagement party, for God's sake!"

"I'm sorry to hear that," Beckett managed, her heart breaking all over again for her friend.

"You know what? I'm really jealous," Patricia said, her tone suddenly bright.

"Of what?"

"Of you and Rick, of course!" she clarified, and Beckett would have laughed if she wasn't so shocked. "You are true to yourself when you're with him. And that's all you can ask for."

Beckett fell silent for a couple of seconds, feeling her head spinning.

"To be honest, the majority of our relationship has been… pretend," Beckett admitted in a low voice, unable to meet her friend's eyes.

"What do you mean?" Patricia asked. Before tonight, Beckett would have thought the woman was just being nosy, but now, she could tell by the tone of her voice that she was genuinely curious.

Beckett didn't want to lie to her anymore, but she wasn't ready to tell Patricia the whole truth either, so she selected her next words carefully. "At first, I pretended to hate him, and he pretended that he didn't care. In the end, though, we couldn't pretend anymore and had to accept the truth."

"And what truth is that?"

"That we're good for each other," she whispered, hardly believing that the words were coming out of her mouth.

Who was the person who had just spoken those words, and where was the Kate Beckett she used to be? She could feel herself blushing, and she started to fiddle with her hair, putting it behind her ears in a self-conscious gesture.

"Then what are you doing here?" Patricia asked softly. "You should be next to him, not listening to me complaining about my sad life."

"Truthfully, I needed to get out of the party," Beckett revealed. "Too much venom in the air. Your friends are going to drive me insane."

Patricia laughed. "Tell me something I don't know." Suddenly, she turned serious. "Kate, you've always been good at reading people. I'm not surprised you ended up being a detective."

Beckett's eyes shot to hers, finding nothing but honesty in them. "Don't let yourself be blinded by my friends," Patricia continued. "It's nothing but a front. If you look carefully, you'll see what's underneath, and that is rotten."

Ten minutes later, Beckett was making her way through the party again, dodging the harpies and looking for any sign of Castle. Finally, she found him sitting in a hammock in the catering area, surrounded by a frenzy of waiters. As she approached him, he spotted her and jumped to his feet.

"Beckett, I'm sorry."

"I'm not here for that," she answered, dismissively. He looked at her, puzzled.

She took a deep breath. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I am," he said, gesturing to his right hand, covered by an ice pack. "You're not mad? You seemed angry before."

"I just want to know what happened. Who was that?"

"He was… a ghost from my past. I shouldn't have punched him. I'm sorry." He winced, so she took his hand in hers and examined his knuckles, still looking an angry shade of red.

"That was a hell of a punch, Castle. Does it hurt?"

"A little, but the ice has helped."

"That's good," she said, gently releasing his hand. "Look, I don't want to pry. I respect your privacy, but if you want to talk about it… I'm here," she offered, wondering internally when had she become everyone's confidant. If anyone sucked at honest conversations, it was Katherine Beckett. But she couldn't stand there and do nothing while the people around her suffered, so listening to them was the least she could do.

After a moment of silence, in which Castle seemed to ponder what to say, he started.

"The guy was Pierce Murphy. He's a film director."

"I haven't heard of him."

"I'm not surprised," he chuckled. "He's only successful in his own mind. Meredith was in one of his movies, a few years ago. It was back when we were married."

His story had only just begun, but already, Beckett had a feeling where this was going.

"It was a difficult time. Alexis was little, barely two years old, and Meredith wasn't around a lot."

"Where was she?" Beckett asked.

"Discovering herself," he shrugged, making air quotes with the words. At her puzzled look, he continued. "Apparently, after having a child, it's too easy to get lost in their needs and forget your own, risking you losing your own personality and forgetting who you are. Or at least that's what Meredith read in a magazine, so of course, it must be true."

He rolled his eyes, and Beckett chuckled. "Anyway," Castle continued, "I always stayed at home with Alexis while Meredith was working. And I was happy to do it. I was elated in my little bubble of parental bliss, and I guess I didn't see the signs."

Beckett didn't want to hear more, but at the same time, she was itching to know the rest of the story, the tragic tale of Castle's first marriage.

"One night, I came home early after a book launch party. Meredith had stayed at home with Alexis, because she was still too young to attend, and Meredith hadn't wanted to hire a babysitter for the night. I wasn't supposed to be home until much later, but the idea of a quiet night home with my family was much more appealing than a party. Shocking, huh?"

Castle's attempt at humor fell short, and Beckett couldn't muster even half a smile for him. If she wasn't mistaken, the next part of the story would break her heart on his behalf. His next words confirmed her suspicions.

"When I arrived, Meredith was in our bed, with Mr. Murphy. I froze, I couldn't react, so I went upstairs to check on Alexis. Luckily, she was fast asleep. Meredith and her director didn't even see me. I stayed with my little girl all night long, crying. The next day, Meredith flew to Florida. The divorce papers were in my mailbox a week after that."

He woke up from his stupor, looking around them, seeming to realize just then where they were. "Pathetic, right?" he chuckled.

Beckett realized there were tears in her own eyes. She didn't know what to say. Her heart ached for him, for the way this precious human being was treated by the person who was supposed to be his partner in life. Oblivious to her tears, Castle continued.

"I hadn't seen him since that night. So, when he asked me tonight how 'Alex' was doing, I lost it."

Beckett paused. "Did you get him in the face?" she asked.

"Square in the jaw, I think."

"Good."

Their eyes locked, sadness evident in both their faces, until Beckett broke the silence. "Come on. I'm sick of this party. Let's go to sleep."

"Oh, yes. The prospect of sleeping on the carpet never has never been so tempting," he said in a chipper tone.

Right. Their sleeping arrangements. "About that…" she started, tentatively.

"Yes?"

"We can share the bed. I mean, we're adults, right?"

"Right," he said, his face brightening instantly. "And don't worry, no funny business, I promise," he added, as an afterthought.

"Too bad," she tossed over her shoulder with a sly smile as she walked toward the door.

She turned to see Castle sputtering behind her, paralyzed at mid-step.

"You coming, Castle?"

Beckett felt like a stalker while she eavesdropped on Castle speaking to his daughter over the phone, her face hidden behind the cover of the book she was pretending to read. His voice was always deeper, richer, when he spoke to Alexis, and his rugged factions seemed to soften as he laughed at something she'd said. Beckett was so lost in contemplation, she didn't realize he was saying his goodbyes until he turned around and caught her staring.

"What?" he asked, seemingly amused.

"You're a good dad," Beckett offered in response, shrugging.

Castle stopped on the other side of the bed, and sat next to her on the covers, careful not to touch her.

"Thank you. That means a lot," he said, his tone sincere.

They spent several seconds in silence, each of them lost in thought, until Beckett suddenly turned to look at him.

"Have you ever thought about having more kids?"

He looked at her, apparently as surprised by her question as she was. She was uncharacteristically talkative that night.

"Where's that coming from?"

"I don't know," she answered, averting her eyes. "I know a lot of divorced people, and a few of them have children from different marriages. I was just wondering if, I don't know, with Gina… never mind, forget I said anything."

"No, it's okay. You can ask me whatever you want."

"It's just that… you're a really good father, Castle. You truly are. And you did it all by yourself. And I can tell you enjoyed every second of it. I guess I find odd that someone so dedicated to family like you are don't have any more children."

Where did that come from?

"Well, it's complicated," he shrugged, not seeming to be bothered by her questions. "Honestly, if I could have, I would have had a dozen children. But with Meredith… Alexis wasn't planned. We never regretted her, don't get me wrong, but Meredith didn't want more children. She didn't want to get even more tied to our family."

He paused for a few seconds, lost in contemplation.

"And with Gina… I guess our relationship was never so serious as to think about it."

"Serious? You were married…"

"I know. But I always kept her at arm's length. I realize that now, of course. At the time, it seemed the natural thing to do. I never let her get too close to Alexis, or to assume a role even remotely similar to a mother. And that undermined our relationship. We never were a family. So we couldn't even begin to think about the possibility of having our own children."

"That's why you broke up?"

"It was the main reason. Our relationship was becoming more and more corrupt by the hour. We argued constantly. She spent most of her days away from home, just to avoid me. She even spent a lot of nights in her old apartment. It worked better for me that way. Every day, I feared the moment she came through the door. I didn't feel safe in my own home. I couldn't relax when she was around. And that affected my writing. It didn't help matters that she was my editor, of course," he added with a humorless chuckle.

"Do you think that was a factor in your divorce?"

Castle looked at her, seemingly at a loss of what she meant.

"Working together, I mean," she clarified. "It's something you had in common, but that ended up pulling you apart."

She wasn't talking about Gina and Castle anymore, and, judging by the understanding look Castle gave her, they both were aware of that.

"Gina and I didn't work together," he said, carefully. "I worked for her. We were never equals. There was no sense of camaraderie. We weren't partners."

The look Castle was giving her was the most intense she had ever seen on his face.

"Do you think things would be different if you had someone like that?" she asked, almost in a whisper.

"Absolutely," he answered without missing a beat.

Their bodies tilted towards each other, their gazes never breaking away, and suddenly, Beckett forgot how to breathe. This was it. The defining moment. The instant where they were going to fall into the unknown, finally choosing a path.

Their lips were inches apart, and she could smell the minty fragrance of his toothpaste; his breath hot on hers. Suddenly, Castle jerked away, turning towards the door and startling her in the process.

"What are you doing?" she asked, resting a hand on her sternum, feeling the wild beating of her heart.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Force of habit. I'm so used to being interrupted, I fully expected somebody to come through that door."

Beckett laughed uncontrollably for a moment, her whole body shaking in mirth at this goofball. Finally, she managed to control herself and raised a hand to his chin, gently turning his face so he was looking at her again.

"No more interruptions," she said seriously.

And she closed the space between their lips.

As always, thank you for your support. Only one more to go...