CHAPTER 4: DISGRACE

The weregirls all keep giving me pitying looks and fill their minds with pitiful thoughts, making me furious. I don't need pity! What man with any self-dignity wants pity?! I can't think of any, except my whiny ass cousin Emil and that wimpy fucker Brian who both crave attention all the time, like two spoilt brats.

I know I'm a pain to be around, but I can't bear the humiliation of listening to my packs thoughts about my pathetic sorry miserable fucking existence. wouldn't they be like this too if they were in my situation?

Samantha of course went and reported me being impotent the council. According to her everything that happens to me is a concern for the council, since I am the first male werewolf ever, an anomaly and therefore everything that happens me is of great interest to document for future generations.

This is a fucking private matter! Not something to tell everyone, especially not our elders! But it's not like my feelings count. Once again Samantha started yapping about me being childish and told me to 'get over it!'. Get over it? Was she insane? How the hell was I going to get over never ever being able to fuck again? That's not something that someone can just get over, just like that, if ever.

Couldn't she just this once put herself in my shoes? How the hell would she feel if someone told her she never would have an other orgasms?! If she never was to have sex again, never was to have kids? If she was labeled a genetic dead-end? And if then this was spread to every member of our tribe?!

But no, it was just me "acting like a hysterical baby". Fuck you Samantha!

According to her 'my condition' as she so gracefully - note the sarcasm - had named it, might be the reason I became a werewolf. I was obviously not good enough for the task of fathering the future generation of La Push, so being a wolf was the only solution for me, thus making me unimprintable too. Well, that part I could've figured out on my own, since what poor woman would be punished to be stuck with someone whose dick don't work? Fate would never be that cruel to a woman!

Well, life sucks that's for sure. I not only have the most fucked up life ever known, I have to go on and live forever! Fuck you fate!

So now the elders know that I'm complete failure. The humiliation is never ending! My father, who has taken my mother's spot on the council since her death, doesn't say anything about it, but it's not like I can't detect the disappointment in his eyes. After all, I am a disgrace, not being able to pass on our family name. I'm the death of the Clearwater line.

No wonder he invited Emil to his coming hunting trip. Not that Emil knows how to hunt, and he'll probably cry if he sees a deer being shot, he is a vegetarian after all, but that tells what my old man thinks of my potential as a man. He prefers a vegetarian instead of me – his own son as his hunting partner! Sure, he did ask me to join them, but he asked Emil first, and I bet he just asked me out of pity.

My father being a counselor at the hospital managed to get a recipe for Viagra for me. To say I was humiliated when he came home with those pills is the understatement of the century. But of course I tried them. With my wolf metabolism we need ten times bigger portions to get full or five bottles of booze to get wasted, so I popped the entire package of pills and studied some great magazines such as the Sports illustrated swimsuit issue, hoping to be cured. But NOTHING!

My life sucks and then sucks some more.

I have nothing to look forward to. I'm doomed to this miserable existence forever, not allowed to leave the rez, to have to listen to my ex-girlfriends thoughts in my head all the time, being pitied and humiliated daily and now I can't even find any release in my life since my dick doesn't work!

Sucks to be me!

With my life being total shit the only thing I have to look forward to was this day when we finally were going to fight against the red-headed leech Victor and his army of newborns. This was my LAST chance to prove myself as a MAN! Maybe I'm no longer a man according to the girls and according to my dick, but I'm going to damn well show that I still could fight like a man. I was going to slaughter me some leeches, I was going to show Samantha and all the other weregirls that I was a warrior despite my limp organ, that I was still much more of a man than Brian.

Brian, that selfish weakling needed Edwina by his side constantly. This meant that Edwina, one of the best fighters of the vampires was not where she was needed the most. Not that we needed her, and I sure could live without seeing her ever again. God I hated her after she outed me to the other leeches and Brian. It was just that Brian's dependence and weakness was getting on my nerves. Even my little sister had more balls than Brian, but letting Sandy watch him was not enough for Brian. But I was glad that Sandy wasn't anywhere near the battlefield. I didn't have to worry about her and could concentrate on killing as many leeches as possible.

* * *

They were here! The horrific smell made my nose burn, adrenaline was surging through me, making me feel alive, almost good as we lunged forward, to bite, rip, tear, kill. It felt like game night, with Samantha and Jackie as our team captains.

"Bite!" "From the left" "Surround him!" They barked orders, co-ordinating our attacks, and soon enough it was clear that we were the winning team. Now if only I could get my chance to score a touchdown.

Then, there it was. My chance to prove myself! There was one fucker trying to run away. Samantha had preached on and on about us taking the leeches together as a pack. Fuck that! I could take one on my own! I knew I could do it! I charged after the blood-sucker, and being the fastest in the pack I knew this motherfucker couldn't get away from me. Samantha was busy directing the rest so she didn't notice my disappearance.

When the newborn realized it couldn't escape me, it spun around, crouching, readying it self for battle. I lunged with only one thought whirling in my head: Kill, kill, kill.

Snarls and growls filled the air. My teeth sinking in the newborns side, tearing. It was going down! Suddenly an excruciating pain surged through me. Shit! That motherfucker had managed to catch me in a vice grip around my neck. I felt my mind go dizzy as the leech pressed my windpipes. I tried to wriggle loose, to claw, to do something, anything, but I managed nothing. Nothing! Fuck!

Red spots danced behind my eye-lids, darkness threatening to swallow me. I was worthless, and now I was going to get a meaningless death.

Somewhere in the last remains of consciousness I could hear my packmates frantic thoughts, Samantha's cursing, my little sisters agonized howl, but they were all too far away. I had ventured too far off. There was no way they could reach me in time. I was going to die.

Then there was a determined mind, someone pushing faster, a true hero coming for me. For me!

I'm not worth it. My mind thought as I wanted to give in, give up, sink in to the nothingness, to the nothing that I was.

"Fuck you Lee, you're not giving up you idiot!" someone's mind ordered me.

I wasn't? Why not? I was a useless, I couldn't even take one leech.

"You aren't worthless, you moron! Dammit Lee! Fight! I won't let you die!"

Was it Taha Aki? I didn't care who it was, all I knew was that the voice in my head was wonderful and sweet and didn't hate me, it wanted me to live. Someone wanted me to live! I found the strength to try to fight. I wanted to listen to that voice some more, I wanted to do as the beautiful voice told me.

A glorious growl filled the clearing. Hazily I saw a russet force come sailing towards me. My savior! The newborn released its grip around my throat dodging the new threat, leaving me panting and crushed against the ground, unable to move, trying to breathe, breathe, breathe as my eyes slowly became able focus again. A beautiful russet wolf was attacking the newborn furiously. Jackie!

"Jackie, watch out!"

Both Jackie and the newborn slammed into a tree, Jackie' entire side crushed. I could feel the agonizing pain rippling through her. I tried to get up, I needed to help her, but couldn't move. I was still too dizzy, too weak. I crawled towards her, forcing myself forward.

I'm coming Jackie. Hang in there. I'll help you.

Jackie had a fierce grip around the now unmoving newborns throat, not releasing despite the excruciating pain she was in. With a sudden hard jerk of her head she managed to snatch the leeches ugly head off.

At that moment the pack was there, Pauline and Geraldine starting a fire and dragging the leech into the flames. Embrie and Quillie were coaxing Jackie to phase back.

"Lee! Can't you do anything right? Look what you have done to Jackie! You almost got her killed!Get it into your head, you are no Superman!" Samantha yelled as she pulled on her sun dress, halting in front of me. "Why can't you do as you are told?!" Her eyes were furious and hard as she glared at me, running her hands roughly over my furry form, checking for injuries. When she didn't find any serious ones she turned around. Part of me wished she would at least have pretended to care enough to ask how I was feeling, that she would've said something kind, comforting. I was pathetic, I was. Obviously she didn't care at all, since she didn't give me another glance as she barked orders to the others about carrying Jackie home to Billie. I wasn't worth it, worth caring for.

I almost couldn't hold back the whine as I saw my packmates lift Jackie up and heard her wince in pain. I had never felt so bad in my life.

Then they were gone, and I was alone on the forest floor, staring up at the sky and the invisible merciless gods and spirits that dwelled there.

I felt hot tears prickle behind my eye lids. I was such a failure. I couldn't even fight. A girl had to come and rescue me and she was hurt because of me. I was a disgrace. It was my fault Jackie was hurt. What if she had died? I could never live with myself if she had died, I barely could live with the knowledge that she was badly injured because of me. Maybe it would've been better if she had let me to die, if she hadn't saved me?

Slowly I staggered to my feet, phasing back.

"Lee! Lee!" Someone desperately called. Sandy. "Are you alright Lee?" she stuttered tears rimming her eyes as she flew forward throwing her arms around me. "I was so scared for you Lee, never do that again!"she sobbed. "i don't no waht i would do if you were hurt Lee. I love you."

At least someone still loved me, even if I was a disgrace. I still had my sister, and yes maybe I was a failure, but I was going to make sure that she was safe and happy. That would be the thing that I lived for, since there was nothing else for me to hang on to.

AN: Yes poor Lee is feeling sorry for himself...