AN: It has been forever since I updated this fic. Here's the new chapter of the sufferings of Lee Clearwater, the only male shapeshifter ever known.
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Chapter 5
The Black house is buzzing with life. The entire pack is there, Billie of course and to my surprise Charlene. Dr Cullen is leaving. I could tell that Billie wasn't too happy about having to let her in to the house and on to the rez at all, but it wasn't like she could've taken Jackie to a normal doctor either with her supernatural healing capacity and all.
Jackie was alright, she was healing. Thank you Taha Aki. I feel so relived that tears spring to my eyes, but I quickly wipe them away so no one would see me, Lee Clearwater, crying. There's no need to let the she-wolves get any more reasons to consider me the weak link of the pack. If there's one thing my father Sully has thought me it's that real men, especially Quileute men, don't cry. But then again, I doubt I'm considered a real Quileute man any longer.
I could as well start wearing a dress and heels I guess, since I've already lost my masculinity. It's not like the pack-girls haven't told me that my shifting would be much quicker if I was wearing a sun-dress or a sarong like them, instead of bothering with unzipping my cut-offs and thus waisting time. They're bitches like that.
"Billie, I can't for my life understand how you can allow your daughter ride a motorcycle. When I found out that Brian owned one I grounded him immediately. I've seen what motorcycles can do in my line of work! " Charlene scolds Billie. Billie just gives her an easy smile in return, the kind of smile all the Black children had inherited. A smile I loved seeing on Jackie's face, but rarely was there these days due to that idiot Brian and him treating Jackie like a door mat. I truly hate Brian Swan. How could a nice woman like Charlene have such a screw-up as a son?
"Lee! You're not needed here. Go home!" Samantha's voice interrupts my inner Brian-hating.
I need to see how Jackie was with my own eyes. I want to thank Jackie for saving my life. I want to go to her, to hold her hand, stroke her hair, be there for her. But no, Samantha orders me to go home, that bitch! But she won't let me just leave either, first she has to lecture me again about my superhero complex and inability to follow orders. I've heard it all before, and now is not the time to tell me this once again. I can barely control the my shaking, but then again Sam might just love if I lost control at the Black's, that would be yet another thing she could add to my list of shortcomings.
Thank god Billie comes to save me, she gives me a non-pitying grin and tells me not to worry, and even invites me to come back the next day, which I definitely intended on doing. At least there's one woman in this world who doesn't hate me.
I lie awake all night long thinking about Jackie and her being hurt both physically, which was my fault and emotionally, which was Brian Swan's fault. I'm gonna do my best to take away the hurt from her. I'm gonna be there for her, whether she wants me or not.
* ~* ~* ~*
When morning comes I rush to the Black's but Jackie is already up and has gone out, apparently she's completely healed. Thank you Taha Aki! Thank you! I head towards the cliffs where I know I'll find Jackie.
As I approach I can tell that she's been crying although she tries not to show it. It makes me literally sick to think of pathetic Brian Swan making Jackie, the wonderful strong force of nature cry. That motherfucker doesn't deserve any tears from Jackie, or anyone else for that matter.
I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything will be alright. It's alright baby. I'm here for you, I want to say and show her that I never ever would hurt her like that.
"Jackie" I start, putting my hand on her shoulder, wanting to pull her in my arms. She shrugs my hand off angrily, looking annoyed that I've showed up.
"What the fuck do you want?!" She croaks out rough and hostile.
"Brian's a not worth it. If he wants to be a corpse, let him become one! He's not worth your tears, he's a selfish pathetic little motherfucker...." I start saying, but am cut off by Jackie's angry glare.
"Shut up!"
I don't know if it's the rejection I feel of her shaking my hand off, her tone of voice or everything I've kept bottled up that makes the words coming out of my mouth harsh and mean, not at all what I want to say, not what I intended to say, "Fuck, you need to stop dreaming about him. I get this gender confusion thing, last night I was dreaming of kissing Brian. No wonder I'm impotent!" I bark out roughly.
"Fuck you Lee! It's always about you, selfish bastard! You're one to talk about gender confusion. It's bad enough for Emil to have put up with you panting after Samantha, he don't need the rest of the pack panting after her as well."
Low blow. And it's not even true. I don't pant after Samantha any longer. There's someone else I pant after. Truthfully, even if Samantha did want me back I don't want her. I want Jackie. But I'm not dumb enough to think I can have her, with my unfortunate condition and all. For all I know Jackie will probably imprint on some little undeserving fucker who gets to be showered in her love and affection. A fuckin' depressing thought.
I spit to get the bile that I taste in my mouth out as I hear her words and also realize that instead of thanking her and comforting her I've managed to hurt her feelings and that I can never be the one for her, that some day she'll imprint just like the rest of the girls.
"Ha! You missed!" She yells.
What?! Did she think I was aiming at her? Is she crazy? Why would I ever try to spit at her? I feel so hurt by her false assumption and also enraged with myself for once again not being able to reach out to Jackie, that I feel myself start shaking uncontrollably. The red blaze is already creeping up my spine and then I explode and have to push my furry ass away from her. I start sprinting away but I'm on my paws, running, running, running.
I'm such an idiot.
Then she is gone. Somewhere off to Canada, and I can't help but feel that I'm responsible for that. And according to the rest of the pack I am to blame for her leave of absence. They all claim my words were the once that pushed her over the edge. Man, I feel so bad.
I suggest that I'll go and try to fetch her, but Samantha only laughs condescendingly at my suggestion, snorting and telling me it's the dumbest idea she's ever heard of. That me going after Jackie would be like lighting a match at a gas station. Fuckin' bitch!
So with nothing else to do I keep on wallowing in misery and self-pity, waiting for Remus to come for his visit. At least I can bitch about Samantha and Emil to him, although I won't be able to tell about the real reason for their fucked up behavior. But I look orward to getting shit-faced drunk together with him without any wicked she-wolves in sight.
Remus will probably ask me about my future plans and that's one conversation I'm not looking forward to, it's not like that football scholarship will ever happen now, so that might be enough to explain why I'm pretty much stuck to the rez. But then to explain why his sister has gone AWOL might be a bit more difficult. Don't know how Billie plans on playing that out for Remus. I know for a fact that Remus will want to start a search party immediately when he sees that she is M.I.A. and I revel in that thought because I sure as hell am going to encourage it.
Suddenly the future seems a little brighter especially since it involves a) a mission of bringing Jackie back, b) male-bonding on a road-trip with Remus to bring Jackie back, c) no evil pack ordering me around on mine and Remus's road-trip bringing Jackie back d) Jackie being back.
* ~* ~* ~*
Did I tell that my life sucked? Man, it sucks. Big time.
Of course none of my plans ever work out since fate hates me. Why you might ask? Clearly because I'm a man, that's why, and Fate and Destiny are both men-hating females.
Remus hasn't so much as been back for more than 10 seconds, before my bro, my man, my only ally is taken away from me like everything else is taken away from me.
By what one might ask. What do you think? Imprinting of course.
And by who? Pauline! Of course Pauline, who else than the female reincarnation of the devil.
The sex-crazed bitch casts one look at my man Remus as he steps out of his car and then flings herself at him, ripping his clothes off, grinding herself against him in such a manner I have to pour bleach in my eyes, and still that won't help to get the horrific image out of my head.
Remus that poor unsuspecting male, gets all excited and spends the next three weeks in his bedroom fucking Pauline senseless. Or more likely it's the other way around, Pauline fucking him senseless. Did I say in his bedroom? I wish we were that lucky. Unfortunately Pauline seems to think it's a great idea to christen every corner of the forests, the beach and every building on the rez with Remus. Here I had thought Remus was the smart one, the one able to use his head, Mr full-scholarship and all, but apparently it is true male's are the weaker sex and women are quick to exploit that fact, since the only head working is the one between our legs - for every other male except me. Poor Remus don't stand a chance.
There goes my grand plans of male bonding and of bringing Jackie back.
Guess who had to fill in on all the patrols Pauline missed while fucking with Remus? Yeah, that's right! Who else but me. I was already running Jackie's patrols as a punishment for my "idiotic stunt" fighting the leeches. So now I was not only running triple patrols but also had to watch a former proud man become a sex slave, clearly under the influence of the evil spells conjured by the wicked werebitch Pauline.
And I did so not need to know what those two were up to, but did Pauline have enough sense to keep their sinful games behind locked doors? No! More than once did I run into them, Remus handcuffed to a tree groaning and grunting about how sexy Pauline was, begging her for more, telling her that he would do whatever she wanted and Pauline dressed in full domme outfit. If that wasn't sick enough Pauline thought it sexy to re-enact the story of the little red riding hood, dressing Remus in a red cape carrying a basket on his arms as he skipped along the trail in the woods where Pauline waited as his big bad she-wolf.
I'm scarred for life by Pauline's sick games with Remus, and had I not already been impotent I would've become that after the misfortune of having to smell, hear and see them at it. I'm truly cursed.
I did I feel sorry for Remus to get stuck with Pauline, but that poor idiot acted like he had won the jackpot. I mean, it's Pauline. She's evil!
"Man, Pauline is fuckin' amazing" Remus tells me one night he actually managed to leave Pauline's side. "She's wild! You won't believe the things she does. Dude, I've never had sex like this before. Dammit, I'm gonna quit college and come back here. College isn't all that. No way in hell that I'm gonna give up on the best sex in my life!"
Dude, he was seriously giving up everything to become Pauline's chew toy. Man, that's sad. And sick!
And then as an afterthought Remus adds, "Sorry man, I forgot." and then I know that Pauline has gone and told him about my little "problem". I might as well wear a fuckin' tattoo that says IMPOTENT on my forehead.
This mythological bullshit is clearly deluding everybody's minds, even the sane ones like Remus. Thank god Romulus is off to Hawaii, that might be the only thing that saves him. Otherwise he probably would be imprinted on by one of the little brats, Colleen or Brenda, or both, and he would be stuck here too thinking it's the best thing ever happened to him.
The imprint couples make me sick to my stomach. Samantha and Emil. Geraldine and Kyle, then the sickest of them all Quillie and Emily's three year old nephew Clarence. And now Pauline and Remus.
Man, what I wouldn't give to get away from this shit hole.
I fuckin' hate my life.