Zombie Boners III: "The Dead have (Finally) Risen"
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If Charles never has another man in a lab coat poking at his dick, it will be too soon. Charles has never been so embarrassed, for such an extended period of time, in his whole life. Which is an exceptionally true statement as it is now his afterlife. After almost 36 straight hours of poking and prodding and at one point having an honest to god electrode strapped to his damn dick, he is done. It's not perfect, but it works, and that is really what matters.
Nathan had to be sent off to accept an award for Dethklok's latest hit, Zombie Boners, which has sold so many copies they needed to invent a new number to quantify it. Charles is thankful, as it kept Nathan out of the room for all the embarrassing tests. Charles never would have lived it down (Ha!) if Nathan had witnessed him hooked up to a million blinking machines, jacking off in front of a team of fugly-ass doctors taking measurements. Frankly, Charles wishes he hadn't been in the room for that. It is an experience that will haunt his nightmares, even more that his half remembered impressions of being dead.
The important part is that, for the first time in over a year, it works and Nathan will be home soon.
Charles called the Klokateer in charge of air traffic control to confirm that yes, the dethcopter will be landing any minute now.
The dethcopter landed and the whole band piled out, brandishing some award and chatting sloppily, as they always do. One of the more pleasant side effects of undeath was that since the whole band knew about them, Charles could walk right up to Nathan and kiss him as he disembarked. Charles was just itching to throw his arms around the other man, tell him the good news and whisper dirty, dirty things into his ear.
His plans were thwarted when Nathan stepped off the dethcopter, giving Charles only a cursory peck on the check and announced, loudly, that he wanted a sandwich.
"A big one, with seven pounds of meat, covered in explosion sauce. Those fucking horse orders sucked."
Charles tried to calm his disappointment. Remember, Nathan was alive and sometimes the living need to eat. That was probably the thing Charles liked most about being undead. If it weren't for all the added complications he would have done this years ago, just to get out of lunch meetings.
Charles dutifully followed the boys into the kitchen, waiting for an opportunity to tell Nathan the good news. Just because the rest of Dethklok kept no secrets from each other, didn't mean Charles wanted to announce his shiny new dick to the world at large.
He waited patiently while Jean Perrier made them all mile high sandwiches. When they sat down in the kitchen, Charles was sure to grab the seat next to Nathan. He figured a few whispered words were all it would take to encourage Nathan to eat fast and come away with him. But before he could lean in Toki tugged at his sleeve.
It turned out to be a genuinely intelligent question on the matter of Dethklok finances and by the time Charles turned his attention back to Nathan, Nathan was just getting up.
"I have to go take a leak."
That was fine. Living people did that and Charles had to learn to be tolerant of other people's differences.
"Why don't you just piss in the corner? The bathroom is way down the hall." advised Murderface. For the first time ever Charles found himself almost hoping that someone would listen to Murderface.
"Don't be gross, Dude. I'll be back in a minute."
After what felt like a small eternity, Nathan showed back up.
Charles was about ready to bang his head on the table. Okay this time nothing was going to stop him from telling Nathan the good news. Nathan was going to sit down and Charles was going to lean in and tell him and then they were going to run off and fuck like bunnies. Nothing was going to distract Charles. No more interruptions. No more distraction.
"Oh, hey, what's this?"
Right before Nathan reached the table he veered off to examine a fancy smoothie maker. If there were veins left to twitch in Charles' forehead they would have been.
"ALRIGHT, that's it!" Charles stood up and started shouting. "I absolutely demand that you cease this nonsense RIGHT NOW and pay attention to me!"
All eyes turned toward Charles. The tantrum was so very out of out character that it halted all other conversation. Charles had Nathan's undivided attention, along with the rest of the group. Charles had the good grace to look chagrined at his outburst.
"I, err, saw the doctor today."
A slow grin spread across Nathan's face. He could see where this was going.
"So they fixed you?"
"Sort of. Kind of. Not exactly, but it's good enough."
Nathan cheered and went to pick up his little manager. He put Charles back down instantly.
"What the hell, you weigh a ton?"
Charles had suffered so many indignities the last few days that the embarrassment of such a casual insult to his weight barely even registered.
"Yes, well, they've replaced all the fluid in my body with mercury and it's added quite a few pounds to my weight."
"Are you telling me that you bleed metal?"
"Yes."
"Are you going to cum metal now too?"
"I hope not, that would be poisonous."
Charles knew that look.
"I've just had the best idea for a song."
"Focus, Nathan! We have body parts to test drive, then you can write your song."
Nathan grinned and slung Charles over his shoulder. He may have been heavier but he hadn't weighed that much to begin with.
"Fine, but don't come crying to me when I'm off looking for my tape recorder instead of snuggling after sex."
THE END