Dear Edward,

I know you don't want me, so I won't be sending this letter, not that I'd know where to send it if I wanted to. I just wanted to talk to you. To tell you that there's something missing in Forks, something missing from everything. The sun isn't as bright anymore, or the rain as wet. The nights are darker, longer, lonelier. The days are just as dark as the nights now. It's like the sun can't drag itself over the horizon anymore. Time has slowed down, it's crawling, every minute feels like a year. And I don't know what to do.

You said it would be as if you never existed. You lied. You can take my photos, my CD, you could take everything I own and it wouldn't matter, I'd still remember you. I'd still love you. You changed my world around, you wandered in and suddenly, suddenly everything made sense. I knew what I wanted out of life, and all I wanted was you. All I'll ever want is you. But you don't want me. You don't love me. You told me.

That day in the forest is emblazoned in my brain, it haunts me in my nightmares. I wake up screaming for you, every night, because I know you won't be there. Your face, your beautiful face, it keeps telling me the same thing, every night. You don't want me. You don't love me. And even though it makes sense for you to feel like that, it doesn't make losing you any easier.

I wish you'd come back, just once, so I'd know you weren't a dream. These nightmares seem like justice, I didn't deserve the happiness you brought into life. I didn't do anything to earn it, so now I'm paying the price for accepting it, for revelling in it. For believing that you could ever love me, or want me.

I hate you. I really do. I hate you for making me believe in the possibility of us. I hate you for giving me a family I loved so much, and then taking them away. I need them. I need to know why, why you left, and why you took them. Didn't you know? Couldn't you see how much I loved them? I get why you left. And so, I guess I know why they left. You all got bored, bored of playing the part for the sake of a clumsy human girl. That's all I am. All I was. I'm not even sure I'm human anymore.

Humans have hearts, right? Hearts that beat, all the time. Race when they see the person that means everything to them. Or even at the thought of them. I don't have my heart. I don't own it, I don't hear it beat. There's a silent space inside my chest, where you took my heart from me. So tell me, can you be human, without a heart?

I want to forget you, for Charlie's sake. He's scared, scared of the screams, of the tears, of the emptiness. He doesn't know what to do anymore. He tries; he tries to calm me when I scream for you. He tries to stop my tears. And he's trying to bring me my life back. He doesn't understand, that the only way I can be fixed, is you. If I knew you were ok, were enjoying your distractions I think I could let you go. It wouldn't matter that the world has stopped turning for me, as long as you were alright.

I've been spending time down at La Push. With Jacob Black. It's the only place there are no memories of you. Nothing reminds me of you. It's easier to pretend there. To pretend that I'm not dead inside. I know you'll be angry about this next part, but I'm struggling to find a part of me that cares. I know I promised you I wouldn't do anything reckless, or stupid, but you made me a promise, and you broke it. I've been riding motorcycles, I realised it was the only way to be close to you. When I ride, it feels like you're there, sure you're angry, and you tell me not to do it, but at least you're there, even for a moment.

I might hate you. I might wish nightly for you come back. I might do reckless things. But above everything Edward, I love you. More than I've ever loved anyone, or anything. I can't change that, I can't ignore it. I can't pretend to forget you. I can't move on, because you are my world. You always will be. So please, understand when I ask you to forget me. To enjoy your distractions, to move on, though it looked and felt like you already had. One of us needs to be able to live, and you, my beautiful angel, you deserve it.

So live your life, forever. A world without Edward Cullen is no world at all. Believe me. I should know. My Romeo, you're not in my world anymore, and I don't think I can change that. I need to accept that before I can truly let you go. So forgive me if I pine a little longer, and I cry a few more tears, and I get lost in a few more nightmares. I want you. I love you. I need you. Always have, always will.

Give my love to your family, tell them I hope they're happy, and that I miss them.

Don't worry about me. I'm only human. I'll grow old. I'll go to college. I'll do...something. I don't know what. But I'll do it all for you. I don't have a choice.

You have my heart, always and forever. Keep it safe.

I love you.

x