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Chapter 4

Jennifer finished packing her duffle with all the things she'd need for the day plus a few more … always a few more! She was hitching a ride with some botanists who'd gotten permission to spend their mandatory day off on the mainland looking for new flora and fauna with a picnic lunch. Jennifer decided to follow suit and look for some medicinal herbs and flowers before stretching out in the sun to read her book and nap.

Lorne was already in the jumper going over his pre-flight checklist when Jen arrived. He had plans to spend some quality time with his paints and easel out on the south pier, but first he volunteered for shuttle service when he saw Jennifer's name on the manifest. He still hadn't had his "brotherly" talk with Doc since she'd returned to Atlantis and figured this would be the perfect time.

"Hey Major," Jen beamed as she set her duffle on the floor. "Can I call shotgun?"

"Saved it for you," he grinned. "You realize this is a day off," he chided her seeing how full her duffle bag appeared.

"Don't worry, I brought my book and shorts," she assured him.

"Your shorts?" he teased raising an eyebrow.

"I plan on getting a little sun while I read and eat," she grinned.

"Remember, you'll be sharing space with some over achieving botanists who probably haven't seen that much bare skin since they've been here so be gentle," he chuckled.

"Are you speaking from personal experience?" she laughed.

Jennifer shrieked as Lorne reached across to tickle her just as the botanists arrived. "I'll get even with you later, Missy," he growled playfully moving back into his Major persona.

The trip to the mainland was quick and uneventful. Lorne found an open meadow close to the shore to land the jumper then helped everyone with their equipment. After helping the scientists with all their boxes and packs he vowed never to complain again about Doc's supplies.

"Say Doc, do you have a few minutes?" Evan asked as he set down the last box from the jumper.

"Sure, whatcha need?"

"Do you have time to go for a walk?" Lorne proposed.

"I'd love that, why don't we walk down by the water," she suggested.

Lorne grabbed her hand and led her down toward the shore. Stopping on the sandy beach they took off their shoes and Evan rolled up his pant legs so they could walk along the shore in the warm water. If he closed his eyes he could almost believe he was back in the states walking along the beach.

"You've been home for several months now and we still haven't had a chance to catch up," Evan said working up the courage to ask her the awkward questions. "Are you glad you came back?"

"I'm more at peace each day and very thankful I came back … thankful I came home," she smiled enjoying the fresh air and sunshine. "I missed you Ev."

Jennifer plopped down on the sand after they made their way back to their discarded shoes. It was wonderful getting away for the day and she wished Evan could stay longer.

"How are you doing, Jennifer?" he asked concerned. "I know you've settled back into your job and the routines of Atlantis but how do you feel emotionally?" Evan sat running his toes through the sand waiting patiently for her answer.

"I guess you could say I'm conflicted," Jen stated knowing from the look on his face that she's need to explain herself better. "I love being home, love my job and all the people I work with, love the crazy few I call friends but … I'm not really ready to deal with the past. I know I'm in denial but I just don't think it's necessary to drag it all up again and open old wounds."

"You're a doctor, do you think that's healthy?" Evan asked quietly. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"I'll give you the condensed version but only because I trust you and I know it's driving you crazy with worry," she conceded sighing.

Evan put his arm around her shoulders pulling her closer as they both looked out at the vast endless ocean stretching out in front of them.

"I was coming home one night from a weekend with my dad and was mugged by a man in the parking lot. He grabbed me from behind so I never got a good look at him. He tried to drag me away but I fought him off and ran screaming for the security guards. They never caught the guy and I boarded the Daedalus two weeks later,"

By the time she finished with her story she was speaking so softly that Evan could barely hear her. He knew it was painful for her to talk about but he couldn't stop himself from asking the difficult questions he needed answers for to.

"Did he … do anything, ah, anything else … ," he was having a hard time expressing himself when Jennifer cut him off.

"No, Evan," she stated firmly. "He cut me but I got away before he could do anything else." Jennifer could feel him relax a bit knowing she hadn't been violated.

"You know it wasn't your fault… right?" Lorne worried she'd somehow hold herself responsible.

"I couldn't help blaming myself at first. I should've waited for an escort, it was stupid and foolish to presume I'd be safe just because I was on base. But I've finally worked through the guilt and now I'm at the stage where I trust very few people. Not sure how long I'll be stuck here," she sighed putting her head on his shoulder.

"You know I'll always be here for you," Evan reminded her.

"You're on the top of my trust list," she smiled.

"Will you be okay here today?"

"Yep, I know Sarah, and the guys have been on Atlantis for a long time. Besides, they're all like kids in a candy shop so I doubt I'll see them again till the ride back," she chuckled.

"I'd love to stay for a while but I need to get back and pick up Carson. He has a fishing trip planned for a bit further north of here and I'm his ride," Lorne explained. "Come walk me back." He helped her up then pulled her into his arms for a while feeling her relax as he held her.

"Have you got your radio with you?" Evan inquired.

"Right here," she pointed to her pocket.

"I'll be back around 1800 hours but keep your radio close in case anything changes," he instructed as they reached the jumper. "How about having dinner with me tonight?"

"Sounds great and a perfect ending to a restful day," she smiled

Jennifer waved good-by then headed back to the beach with her duffle. She spread out her blanket after changing into her shorts and settled down with her book. It was a good day she thought to herself as she pulled the radio out placing it on the blanket beside her. It'd been good to talk about her attack out loud, made her feel like she was dealing with it.

It took Jennifer a while to realize the buzzing she was hearing was actually someone trying to contact her on her radio.

"Dr. Keller, this is Atlantis, please respond," Chuck repeated.

Jennifer awoke from her nap and felt around for her radio.

"This is Dr. Keller, sorry for the delay."

"Dr. Keller, you've been recalled to the base. Transport is on the way to pick up you and the botany team."

"We'll be ready," she answered. Jen collected her things and filled her duffle bag heading back to the meadow. She quickly found the team and helped them pack putting them all back at the pick up site just as the jumper was landing. The group shuttled back in relative silence having been informed of the tragedy back on Atlantis.

To lose so many to the explosion was inconceivable and the death of her dear friend and co-worker, Dr. Carson Beckett was unbearable. Standing at the memorial service hearing the mournful wail of the bagpipes as his friends walked his coffin through the stargate was more than she could bear. As with Teyla, she felt a great sadness.

Jennifer returned to her quarters after the service to change her clothes before going for a long walk. She spent hours walking around the outer edges of the city returning long after dark to the balcony that overlooked the east pier.

Carson's friends returned through the stargate the same evening while Rodney stayed on Earth to accompany Carson back to Scotland to the waiting arms of his family. Somehow the city felt empty and lonely tonight.

Ronon ached for the loss of his friend but worried about Jennifer too when he returned to Atlantis and couldn't find her. He spent some time checking all the places he could think of but when he still couldn't find her he radioed Radek for her location.

Sitting in the darkness Jen finally allowed the grief to consume her and cried for all the lost lives and friends she would never talk with again in this life. This is where he found her, sobbing in the darkness.

Ronon sat down next to her leaning back against the outer wall. He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him trying to offer what comfort he could. Neither of them spoke lost in their own thoughts drawing solace from each other.

Jennifer turned slightly wrapping her arms around Ronon's waist as she buried her head in his chest. He was the strength she needed right now.

"Hey, did you forget our lessons?" Ronon asked leaning in the doorframe.

"Oh no, what time is it?" she startled looking at her watch. "Ronon, I'm so sorry, I totally lost track of the time." Jennifer sat rubbing her eyes, leaning back in her chair sighing. She'd only been the acting CMO for a few weeks and was still overwhelmed at the enormity of her new responsibilities.

Jen tried to nail Dr. Weir down earlier in the day for a time in the near future when a replacement would be chosen for the CMO job, hoping to confirm a date when she could go back to being a regular doctor. So far she'd just been getting the run around from the expedition leader and had a sinking feeling they weren't looking too hard to replace her.

"Come on," Ronon said pulling her out of her chair. "You need a break and something to eat."

"I really need to finish these reports," Jen explained only to be cut off with a stern look.

"You've done enough today," he insisted. "I need you for a little bit."

"Okay, what can I help you with," she asked while turning the lights out and closing the door.

"Eat first," he grinned pulling her toward the mess hall.

The couple filled their plates heading toward a secluded table away from the crowd and noise. He really didn't need anything, just wanted her company. He missed her when they didn't spend time together. They chatted quietly as they ate their dinner talking about his recent mission and the progress of her latest research project. After they finished eating they walked to the sparing room to start their lessons.

"Do you mind if we skip the training lesson since we got such a late start?" Ronon asked nodding toward the large clock on the wall.

"Sure, you mentioned you needed me … what can I help you with?" Jen asked as she sat in the middle of the floor.

"I didn't want to miss a reading lesson … the Daedalus is coming this week," he answered rather sheepishly. Actually, he just wanted to spend some time with the doctor and this was the best excuse he could come up with.

"Aren't you confident. You expecting some new love notes?" she asked winking.

"Just want to be ready," he explained smiling.

"Next I'll teach you how to write and you can create your own love notes," she laughed as she pulled her teaching materials out of her backpack spreading them out on the mat.

"I don't have any of that smelly paper," he explained putting a stop to her unpleasant suggestion.

"Not a problem," she declared, rummaging through her backpack for a pad of lavender notepaper. "I've got you covered, even has the flowery border," Jen laughed waving the pad in the air.

"Not gonna happen," he growled.

"Seriously, you've done so well with your lessons you should be able to read your own notes soon," Jennifer said proudly. "I have some new books for you coming on the Daedalus and some writing tablets in case you want to try your hand at writing."

Ronon was all for writing lessons if it meant he'd spend more time with his teacher. He'd already decided to give her sparing lessons once the hand-to hand training was complete. The more time he spent with Doc the more time he wanted. He knew his friendship was turning into something deeper and he didn't mind it at all.