I'm running out of friendship-themed ideas! Blahh! I suck at long-term fics! This is why I write one-shots! So sorry that my updationing (hehe, get it, You're Just As Sane As I Am? Yeah? Updationing?) skills have decreased. Not only have I started school, but my Harry Potter inspiration has died out. Sort of. I'm also unsure that I'm going to be able to do this for the entire year. I'm updating (as) fast (as I can), and I don't have long-term fic ideas. I'm a one-shot kid, haha.

DENIAL! DENIAL! I AM DENYING THAT I'M J.K. ROWLING! I ADMIT IT! I'M NOT J.K.R.!

(I'm running out of witty disclaimers.)

(Denial totally looks weird to me now. De-Nile. The Nile.)

How to Survive a Year With James Potter for Dummies

Written and experienced by Lily Evans

Chapter 5: Denial and the Rain

Although things felt a bit carefree at Hogwarts, the daily tormenting from Slytherins reminded Lily that there were imperfections in this world. One of those painful flaws was the fact that her ex best friend wanted to help a powerful, evil, wizard, who wanted to kill people like her. Lily did not sleep well with that fact. She had dreams. They were terrible dreams. The last night was particularly eventful:

"No! Severus, please! Don't! Please! I'm sorry!" Lily screamed desperately, tears flooding from her emerald eyes. "Sev, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Filthy little mudblood," Severus snarled scathingly. His wand moved skillfully, and his mouth moved: "Crucio!"

"No!' Lily cried, sobbing as the flash of red light sped towards her. Suddenly, out of nowhere, James jumped in. So did Alice, and Mary, and Sirius, and Remus, and Peter. They jumped in between the red beam. Severus laughed, pointing his wand at each of them, and they all shrieked and writhed in pain. "No! Don't hurt them! Hurt me!" Seeing the look of utter terror and distress on James' face, she sobbed, "James, James..."

The Slytherin pointed at the person closest to him. James. Lily continued to say his name. She didn't know if she screamed it, or whispered it. She did. She kept saying his name, desperately. Her legs moved, but James didn't seem to get closer. Severus' mouth seemed to move in slow motion: "Avada kedavr..."

"Lily!" The door shot open, and Lily sat up, sweating, red-faced.

"James! You're alright!" Lily stared at him, sitting in her bed. She started crying. James looked confused. He rushed over and pulled her into his arms.

"Lily, what's wrong? What happened? Tell me about it," he said gently, "it's alright. It was just a dream." Lily didn't respond. She cried into his shoulder, feeling oddly comfortable.

"Severus – you – cruc... Alice – Mary," Lily sobbed. It was only the sound of her sobbing they heard. Then, she stopped crying and pushed him away, swatting the hand that was stroking her hair. "No."

James looked baffled. "Lily, what is going on? I was just trying to..."

"No... no..." Lily whispered. She dove into the sheets. "Get out of my bed, Po – James. I'll see you in the morning." Still bemused, James had left, but don't tell Lily: he returned with his cloak, ready to comfort her if she needed. The only dreams she had after that were quite pleasant, regarding unicorns, Quidditch, and a walrus named Vernon getting married to her sister. It was an amusing wedding.

**

Lily was starting to get confused. One moment, James felt like a different version of Severus: her best mate. Whenever Lily felt sad, he was... different. That "different" made Lily feel something. She didn't know what it was. It was a feeling Lily was unfamiliar with. She didn't know how to deal with it. Not knowing how to deal with those confusing emotions led Lily to running away from the moment. Well, it was actually the moments, not moment. Take this other one for example:

"Do you know where James is, Sirius? I need to talk to him about … Head stuff," said Lily vaguely. The "Head stuff" involved pranks that she was sure that the Marauders were included in.

"Took a walk," said Sirius, leaning back in his seat casually and gracefully. "This Head stuff... you aren't going to confess your love for him, are you?" He was bordering close on his bet, and he had to do some prodding! Technically, it was cheating, but technically, it wasn't...! (That's how Sirius thought of it.)

Lily turned red, but covered it with a dry chuckle. "Where do you get your ideas, Sirius?"

"Are you denying it?"

"I don't need to deny anything. There's nothing worth denying," said Lily, struggling to keep her voice from stuttering pathetically, "I'm not denying anything."

Sirius laughed. "Are you denying you have denial, Lily?"

"Wha -? I told yo – I don't need – denial – I'm looking for James!" Lily stammered stupidly, ending the spluttering with what she hoped was a firm declaration. She decided it wasn't exactly a firm declaration, because as she stalked out of the common room, Sirius was laughing. Loudly. Once again dumbfounded, Lily walked in deep thought towards the grounds. Maybe Sirius had a point. Was she...? No! Lily Evans, don't think like that! Ever! You are not falling for James Potter. You're good friends, that's all. Why wouldn't he be my friend? He's nice, and funny, and … don't finish that thought, Lilian! No! NO! She thought like this all the way down to the lawns.

The thoughts of denial – wait, that wasn't denial, there's no need for denial – were interrupted by a strange sight. It was James Potter, lying down on the grass and staring at the sky.

Why is this strange?

Lily stepped closer. There was no sound. He didn't flinch. He was unmoving, still. His palms were behind his head, his head of messy black hair. One of his knees was bent, pointing up towards the sky. He looked so relaxed, but Lily saw something else. She moved even closer. How had he not seen her? You can't miss a red head. She watched his eyes. They glistened with tears. His hazel eyes were wet, reflecting the dark clouds he stared at. Lily felt a strange urge to hug him.

The Gryffindor girl felt a drop of rain splash onto her nose. She stared up at the sky as well. A fast-approaching raindrop sped towards her face. She brought her chin back down and stepped closer to James. "James?" was the whisper.

James stared up at the sky. Only his dry lips moved. "Hello, Lily."

"Is there something wrong, James?" Lily knelt down beside him. There was no response, for a long time. James closed his eyes. The tears were more visible, at the bottom of his eyelid. Lily saw tears cling to his eyelashes, and some of them drip down from his cheek. James didn't move, still. Lily might have thought he died, if she didn't see his chest rising and falling.

James opened his mouth and uttered, "Yes."

"What is it?"

"Voldemort," James whispered. "I'm ..." He stopped, opening his eyes. Lily wanted to cry with him. His eyes were pained and oddly thoughtful. Lily inched closer towards him, giving him a patient look. She didn't ask him to continue. He did, anyway: "... scared."

Lily smiled sadly. "You're a pureblood, James. You're safe."

James gave her a look. The look was mixed with his previous agony and now, with exasperation. "What kind of person do you think I am, Lily? I'm not just scared for me. I have muggle friends. I have muggleborn friends. I'm scared for all of them." Their eyes met. "I'm scared for you." His eyes raked over her face, smiling again just a little bit. Lily blushed, feeling awkward. "I'm scared..." His smile faded.

"There's nothing wrong with that, James," she breathed fiercely, "I'm scared, too." Lily lay down beside him, hugging her knees. "But I'm scared for me."

"You would be stupid not to be," James murmured. His head twisted around to look at her. "Have I gotten better, Lily?"

"Gotten better at what?" Lily asked. "We had just been talking about Voldemort, James."

James smiled. "I know. Have I changed? Have I gotten better than what I was, last year?" Lily smiled back, closing her eyes, but smiling. She remembered what she had told herself the one night in the common room. He had not changed, he had not gotten better. He was always there. Lily was just too blind to see it. James gazed on at her for a second, then back up at the sky. He didn't need to hear her response; he knew what it was.

James Potter stared up at the sky, tears still wet on his hazel eyes. He let his tears join the rain.

**

I'm totally progressing too fast. :) I wanted to do this through the school year, and here I am, at the denial stage already.

I had to write that last part. It's inspired by "Cry" by Mandy Moore. I was listening to it play, simultaneously thinking about the fic, and I got a light-bulb moment. I didn't want to make it a song-fic, though. I can never make those work, and I always skip the lyrics anyway. Ha. To give you an idea of what inspired me most:

"You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark gray sky
I was changed


In places no one will find
All your feelings so deep inside
Was there that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry
The moment that I saw you cry"

This part also inspired me for what Lily felt:

"I wanted to hold you
I wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything
Alright"

Yeah? :D Hehe. I hope you enjoyed that.

A review is an evaluation of a publication, such as a movie, video game, musical composition, book, or a piece of hardware like a car, home appliance, or computer. I would like one for my birthday. Um... never mind about my birthday. I would like one in the near future. Er... wait, no. Not the near future. NOW. :D Please?