I could feel the darkness tugging at me.
It wasn't sleep, it was something else that was pulling me under. I would give anything to be able to use this time for sleep, but I knew better, it was time for prayer and reflection. The pain was enough to keep me teetering on the edge. The longer I knelt here, the more numb I felt, except for the searing pain on my back. I wanted to give into the black, because this was different. I was used to fighting sleep. I was used to compartmentalizing the pain. But the time stretched indefinitely, seemingly longer than usual. My body felt weaker, my stomach twisting in hunger, my eyes heavy with exhaustion. I was thirsty, and my throat burned for relief. Something felt wrong this time.
Then there were voices, whispering verses and prayers, random phrases, echoing through the strange hollowness of my mind. As I sank into the darkness, I felt freer, as if I had left my body behind. A strange warmth enveloped me and I could imagine I was on a beach, the sand warm below me, the sun shining above me. Cool water washed over me in waves. The voices continued in rhythm to the waves like a soothing chant, and as the water was sucked back out to the ocean each time, I felt the pain resurface. It was as if my body was being rocked between pleasure and pain as each new wave crashed over me.
The voices quieted to senseless murmurs. The bright blue sky stretched out above me, white clouds rolling across the heavens, and then the waves were gone. In their place was a feathery tickling and a soft breeze, like long grasses rustling in the wind. The scent of wildflowers thick in the air. It was peaceful, the colors were brighter than any others I had experienced, the scents more overwhelming. It was serenity and I never wanted to leave. There was no pain, only peace. Time was immeasurable, but slowly the light began to fade as the sky and clouds darkened. Suddenly the trees around the edge of the meadow loomed taller and the forest grew darker, overshadowing my bliss. Everything continued to fade to black, until the sun was the last point of light I could see. A cloud passing over the sun extinguished the light and there was nothing but darkness. The last whisper I heard was, 'We will protect you.'
Life started coming back to me in flashes. A loud crash startled me and bright light blinded me though my eyes were closed. There was the voice of an angel, melodic and tender. He was calling my name, murmuring something...and he sounded tormented. A second voice broke through the fog but I couldn't place it. Cold arms embraced me, why was everything so cold? A loud wailing sounded in the distance and the darkness reclaimed me.
The next moment of awareness was an annoying beeping. My eyes felt heavy, and I struggled to try to open them. "Bella?" It was my angel's voice again. "Bella, can you hear me?" Not an angel, Edward.
I tried to say something, but I couldn't. My tongue was heavy and my lips felt like they were welded together. Ever so slowly, I managed to move my tongue forward, trying to moisten my mouth and lips. The first sound that escaped from my throat sounded like a strangled cry.
"Carlisle! She's waking up." I heard his voice, too loud. The noise caused me to flinch, and my eyes opened the tiniest bit, but everything was so blurry. Something cold stroked my cheek and then everything faded away again. I wasn't as deep into the darkness as I had been. I was balancing on the edge again it seemed, floating, though my body felt incredibly heavy. I wanted to go back to the meadow.
"Bella, can you hear me?" Came another voice. "It's Dr. Cullen. You're at the hospital. Open your eyes if you can hear me."
Reality came rushing back to me. Hospital? The beeping noise accelerated. I struggled to remember what had happened. If I was here, it had to be pretty bad.
"Try to calm down Bella, you're going to be ok. There's nothing to be afraid of."
I realized I was laying on my stomach, and I willed my arms to move and they did ever so slowly. I felt a sharp tug in one arm, and cold hands stopped my arm from moving further. "Careful Bella." Edward's voice floated around me. Why was he here? Why was I here? I finally forced my eyes open and blinked as they adjusted to the bright lights. As if I had asked for it, the lights dimmed and I was able to focus on his face. He was so much more beautiful than I remembered and time was lost as I memorized every feature of his face hovering mere inches from me. His brow was wrinkled, forehead creased with worry. My voice decided to cooperate at that moment. "Edward?" I rasped, and he smiled. The corners of my mouth twitched to return the smile.
"I'm here Bella. You're safe." He whispered. Safe. How could I be safe? Where was Charlie?
"Ch..Charlie?" I managed to croak. He looked away from me and I followed his gaze to see what he was looking at. It was Dr. Cullen. Edward and his father stared at each other for what seemed like minutes, as if engaged in some kind of silent conversation.
Finally, Dr. Cullen came to stand behind Edward and placed his hand on my arm in what was meant to be a comforting gesture. "I'm sorry Bella, your father passed away."
"What?" How could he be dead? What happened? I was alone, I had no one now, but if he was gone, that meant I was safe...for now at least.
"Bella, do you know what happened to you?" Dr. Cullen pressed.
I nodded. The fact that I was on my stomach in a hospital, meant they knew everything. The last thing I remember is drifting off in the closet, which means they found me with fresh wounds.
"He whipped you?" Edward asked, a pained look on his face.
I closed my eyes, not answering.
"Bella?" He demanded. I struggled to understand his behavior. Why did it matter to him? Why was he here? "You don't have to protect him anymore."
"Water?" I asked. My throat felt like it had been rubbed with sandpaper. There was a flurry of activity that I didn't quite follow, and then Edward placed a straw in my mouth. The cool liquid soothed my parched throat and I hummed in pleasure.
"What happened to Charlie?" I asked again.
"His heart gave out." Dr. Cullen offered. I closed my eyes. He couldn't really be gone...could he? I thought about never seeing him again, and I just felt...nothing. He was my father, why wasn't I crying? I tried to remember all the good things he did for me, but they were tainted with the control and the pain. I tried to find tears for him, but there were none.
When I opened my eyes again, Dr. Cullen was sitting where Edward had been. My eyes searched for the bronze haired boy, only to find him pacing across the room, pinching the bridge of his nose, his face contorted in frustration.
"Why didn't you tell anyone?" The doctor asked gently.
Too many reasons. "He was all I had." I answered simply.
He nodded. "We'll talk more about this later. How are you feeling? Are you in any pain?"
"Just sore. Can I sit up?"
Dr. Cullen and Edward helped me turn over without pulling out any of the wires or tubes and I was able to sit up.
"Can we get rid of this stuff." I asked, gesturing weakly at all the medical stuff. "A few lashes doesn't warrant a trip to the hospital."
"Bella, it's Wednesday." Edward told me, his velvet voice rough with emotion. "How long were you in there?"
"Wednesday?" My voice cracked with disbelief, and I looked to Dr. Cullen for confirmation.
"Yes. Edward and Alice were concerned when you still didn't show up for school on Tuesday, so they went to your house. They found your father, and then found you unconscious locked in a tiny closet."
"Oh." That was about all I could manage verbally or mentally. Edward and Alice found me. Oh. Oh no. They saw that? The stupid monitor picked up my increasing heart rate, broadcasting it to the entire room.
"You should have told someone, we could have stopped him. We could have protected you!" Edward almost yelled, suddenly angry.
Dr. Cullen grabbed him by the shoulders and firmly told him to leave until he could control himself. "She's been through enough, she doesn't need to be yelled at by someone she barely knows." He scolded Edward through gritted teeth.
After taking a moment to calm himself, Edward turned to me, a calm mask placed carefully on his face, though I could still see the torrent of emotion raging beneath the surface. "I am sorry Bella. It upsets me to know that you were suffering needlessly. I would like to come back to see you when I have calmed down, if that is alright with you?" He asked in a steady voice and I nodded automatically. Then he surprised me by reaching over and gently cupping my face, tracing his thumb along my cheekbone. We both jumped at the jolt of electricity that sparked from our touch. Though his hand was cold, the place he had touched felt warm. Dr. Cullen chuckled as the heart monitor revealed my reaction to his son's touch. My face flamed red from the traitorous blush that bloomed, and I tried to focus on my hands. The sound of the door clicking shut seemed unusually loud and now I was alone with Dr. Cullen. He sat by my bed and regarded me steadily while I tried to avoid his gaze.
"I'm not going to push you to explain anything, but I hope that at some point you'll feel comfortable enough to talk about it, whether it is with me or a professional. I understand that you had your reasons for not telling anyone. However, I do have a few questions I need you to answer. How long were you locked in that closet?"
I tried to give him an appreciative smile for not demanding answers and decided to offer what I could. Not that I had to worry about Charlie any longer, but I wasn't quite ready to lay out all my secrets just yet.
"Sunday."
He nodded. "That's what we approximated. How long has this been going on?"
"Since I was eleven."
A frown tugged at the corners of his mouth. His voice was quieter now. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
I closed my eyes again and took a deep breath. "Mortification of the flesh. Fasting...sleep deprivation..."
He didn't look surprised, and I was pretty sure he had already deduced all of that from the evidence. "The closet?" He prodded.
"Sensory deprivation." I shrugged. "I was supposed to pray, reflect, repent...that kind of thing. He believed that through all this, that one could have some kind of spiritual experience that would bring them closer to God. It's not uncommon, many religions and indigenous tribes practice it." I'm sure it seemed like I was trying to defend my father, or downplay the severity of what happened to me, but staying detached from it was how I survived.
Surprisingly I saw no judgment in Dr. Cullen's expression, only compassion and understanding. "Yes, I know. These practices have been around since ancient times. I'm actually well read on the subject. Though I will admit it is shocking to see something like this in a small town like Forks, especially with a young woman such as yourself." He leaned forward. "Did you have any spiritual experiences?"
"No." I snorted. "I have different views than my father. I don't believe true spiritual experiences come from inflicting pain and suffering. Of course, I understand the logistics of why people claim to have these episodes. This time, I experienced some odd sensations, but I know they were simply caused by my body's reaction to extreme stress. I knew something was wrong, that I had been in there too long." I shook my head. "I would never mistake that for God speaking to me." Then I realized how much I was telling Dr. Cullen, and felt my face flush. Something about him just made me feel so at ease, that I could trust him, and really why not? He seemed genuinely interested and didn't think I was some kind of freak. Besides, Charlie was gone.
"So what happens now?" I asked, suddenly frightened of my future.
He took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair. "I'm not sure. I don't have any information on any of your next of kin, and really don't know much about you. Do you have any idea where your mother is? Are there relatives or friends of the family you could stay with?"
I shook my head. "She left when I was twelve. Something happened to her when I was fifteen, I'm almost positive, but my father never said anything. So, I don't even know if she's still alive. I don't have anyone else, that I know of."
"What was her name?" He asked gently.
"Renee."
He nodded, lost in thought for a few minutes before he seemed to come to some kind of decision. Pushing himself out of the chair, he went back into doctor mode, writing something in my chart, and checking over the machines.
Dr. Cullen smiled down at me. "Now, why don't we see what we can get rid of?"
"Please?" I pleaded.
He ended up removing everything but the IV and I pouted like a petulant child.
"After everything you've been through, an IV bothers you?" He chuckled, and I gave him my best glare. "You still need the IV. You're still malnourished and it's the easiest way to get all the nutrients you need into your bloodstream. Maybe tomorrow, ok?"
"I guess." I sighed.
"Do you feel like you could eat?"
"Actually yeah." I agreed.
"Are you still a vegan?" He asked with a smirk.
I cocked an eyebrow at him. "I think you know the answer to that one Dr. Cullen."
He smiled smugly. "Good, then I'll put in your meal request and you should be on the rotation for dinner. Lunch was already served, but I'll order you something to tide you over."
"Thank you...for everything." No one had been as kind to me as the Cullen family, and they barely knew me.
"I enjoy helping people Bella. Now, do you need anything for the pain?"
"Nope. I'm an old pro at this." I smiled wryly.
He looked at me skeptically. "Ok, then I will leave you for now. I will have some food brought up to you and then I want you to rest. When I have news on what is going to happen next, I will let you know." He paused, then rested his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry about your father."
I nodded and he left the room.
I stared at the generic hospital room with it's sterile walls and antiseptic smell. I was alone. There were be no irate Charlie barging through the door to take me home. There would be no loving mother to comfort me and nurse me back to health. No friends or family to visit. No flowers to brighten up my room. I had pushed away the few friends I had over the past couple weeks as I continued my self-imposed exile, yet they continued to stand by my side as silent support. Alice and Angela still sat with me at lunch every day, though they had long since given up on getting me to open up any further. Edward had been here, and I didn't understand why he was sitting in my hospital room. I assume he felt some sense of obligation since he found me. Alice had probably talked him into going with her to check on me. The last time Edward had spoken to me was when he gave me the tablets from his father with instructions on how to take them. Then again, they were worried about me, so maybe I could repair our friendships. I wondered what was going to happen to me, and wished I was already eighteen. Since I wasn't, the state would get involved and I would most likely have to endure some kind of foster care. Maybe one of the families in Forks would be interested, and then I wouldn't have to move. Moving...again. It's not like I could move foster parents into my house. I'd have to move out. What would happen to all our belongings? That saddened me unexpectedly. I didn't have much, but it was all had. Maybe a fresh start would be nice, just some clothes and a few favorite books.
I could always take off on my own. It wouldn't be long before I could get my own place if I started working immediately. Maybe Charlie had some kind of insurance or savings that I would inherit, and I could use that to move on to a new place and start over. I could avoid the whole foster care issue and just be on my own. I would have to think about that some more.
My eyes flickered over the room and I noticed the television mounted near the ceiling. The last time I watched anything was in Mississippi, it was a movie in English class. He didn't approve of television, but I didn't have to worry about his rules any longer. After a moment of hesitation, I grinned and found the remote next to my bed. Flipping through the channels, I finally settled on a movie set in the 18th century. As soon as I heard the characters' names, I realized it was the movie version of one of my favorite novels, Pride and Prejudice. Settling back into the bed, I enjoyed myself for the first time since that day I spent at the Cullen's house.
After a good portion of the movie had played, there was a quick knock at the door before it opened to reveal my tiny dark-haired friend, Alice. She had a big grin on her face, and her golden eyes were shining. I couldn't help but return her grin. Just coming by to see me made me happier than she would ever know.
"Bella, can I come in?" She chirped.
"Of course, Alice."
"Good! Because I brought you food and clothes!" The energy she possessed was boundless. She pranced over to the bed and grabbed my hand, suddenly frowning which looked out of place on her angelic face. "I'm so sorry about Charlie."
"It's ok Alice, really."
She smiled sadly for a moment, before her eyes brightened. "Here!" She thrust the bag into my hands. "Carlisle said you needed to eat, so I brought you something. I wasn't sure what you would like, but it's better than hospital food."
"Thank you so much." I tore into the bag, suddenly ravenous. Of course the Cullens wouldn't go by any fast food joint to pick up food. I uncovered the containers and found chicken parmesan with a thick marinara sauce, along with a salad and garlic bread. "This looks so good." I tried not to make a mess as I shoveled the food into my mouth. "Sorry!" I apologized, but continued to devour my meal. I was starving and it was amazing. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had Italian food. I blushed as I realized what I must have looked like, but thankfully Alice was preoccupied with pulling clothes out of the other bags and hanging them up.
She turned to me with a mischievous glint in her eye. "I bought you some new things. I wasn't sure if you were still going with the modest look or if you'd be branching out. Either way, what I have is much better than that awful hospital gown." She wrinkled her delicate nose.
"But Alice, you said blue was my color." I joked, and her laugh tinkled through the room like bells.
Then she was by my side again. "Are you really ok Bella?" Worry contorted her perfect features.
"I truly am. Of course I will miss him, but I am not devastated." I assured her.
"I'm so sorry I didn't see this." She frowned again.
"Alice, don't be silly. You have nothing to apologize for. I didn't want anyone to see this, it was a part of my life that I tried to keep hidden from everyone."
"You could have told me, or Carlisle. We could have done something."
"If I had told you, what would have happened to me? Without Charlie, who knows where I would have ended up...who knows where I'll end up now. I was ok, I handled it."
"You should never have had to go through any of that. But enough dwelling on the past, I suppose." Her mood swings could give someone whiplash. "So what did you decide about clothes?"
Good question. I thought for a moment. "Well, I actually feel comfortable in more modest clothes, but I don't feel compelled to follow any guidelines. I like skirts, as long as they aren't too short or tight, and I haven't worn pants since I was a child, so I don't know if I like them."
She quickly pulled out a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. "How about this to start with? Something comfortable for lounging in bed." I nodded appreciatively. "I'll help you get dressed." She offered.
My legs were a little shaky, but with her help I was soon back in bed, and much more comfortable. I even laughed as she held up the offending hospital gown pinched between her thumb and forefingers before flinging it into the corner. "Much better." She smiled approvingly.
"I agree. Thank you so much Alice."
She waved her hand dismissively and finished tidying up the room. When she had everything the way she wanted it, she looked around once more and her face lit up with excitement. "I'll be right back." She trilled and took off out the door. Ten minutes later she was back in the room with two vases full of flowers. Once they were strategically placed in the room, she smiled and nodded. I had to apologize to her, she had done so much for me and I couldn't take the guilt any longer.
"Alice?" She smiled and sat down beside me. "I just wanted to apologize for the way I've acted towards you, and your brother. I never wanted to hurt you, but there were things I needed to keep secret and I was afraid of revealing too much. You've all been so wonderful to me. I hope you'll forgive me." I looked at her apologetically.
She flashed me a bright smile. "Of course I do! I always knew we were going to be good friends. You had your reasons, and I understand." I found myself suddenly embraced in her tiny arms. She was incredibly strong. "Alright, Carlisle wanted you to get some rest, so I'll leave for now. If you need anything, just let someone know."
"Bye Alice, and thank you."
She grinned and waved as she walked out the door. My burden felt a little lighter now, and with my stomach full, my eyelids grew heavy. It wasn't long before I drifted off peacefully, despite the unknown future I was now facing.