As much as I had enjoyed the idea of my road trip yesterday, today I realized how tedious driving could be. Hours upon hours on the road, crawling along in my ancient truck with no one to talk to. Instead, I had endless time to think, which was the last thing I wanted to do. It only cemented the fact that I was completely alone. Music filled the cab of the truck and I tried to immerse myself in learning lyrics to some of the songs I'd heard repeated over and over again on the radio. If anyone had been riding with me, I would have been embarrassed that I found country music appealing. Driving through Los Angeles was nerve wracking to say the least, it was just so big and there were so many cars. It was easy to take Alice's advice because I really did not want to deal with trying to get off the highway to stop anywhere. I was sure I would have gotten lost if I did or ended up in an accident.
I had my first taste of McDonald's for lunch and it was disgusting. I have no idea what millions of children, and adults, see in their food, and was almost tempted to make myself throw it back up.
Realization set in that I would most likely be seeing my mother in the next couple of days for the first time in five years. I had no idea what to expect and was both terrified and excited. It would be a lie to say that I didn't harbor fantasies of the ultimate reunion scene where she scooped me up into her arms and promised to take care of me and never leave me again. If anything close to that happened, I would be hard pressed not to forgive her of everything in an instant. I just wanted my mother back. Instinctively I knew that would be the least likely scenario. She had moved on with her life and I was sure my reappearance in her life would probably not be as well received as I hoped for. I didn't know what her new husband was like, or if he even knew of my existence.
The plan was to get checked into one of those extended stay hotels first. If things did not go well, then I would already have somewhere to stay. I could find a job someplace and save up money for an apartment. Maybe I would even find a roommate. I could make a modest living in Phoenix and I had nowhere else to go. The only person I had left was her, so I might as well stay close. That was about as far as I could plan for now. I'd like to finish high school and even go to college eventually. Being a teacher was something I had always dreamed of, and if I worked hard enough I could make it a reality. But there were other things I needed to take care of first.
How did my life end up at this point?
What had I ever done to deserve the things I'd had to endure?
Was I being punished because I rejected my father's beliefs?
Why would my mother had left her own child in the hands of someone like him without so much as a fight?
I had loved my father once. I remember looking up at him and feeling adoration. I remember my tiny hand in his, wild flowers, and fishing. Then everything started being stripped away. He became a cold, hard man. Then there were the rules he started enforcing. Punishment and repentance became the focus and replaced the joy and love in our lives. Everything I had learned about God's love was shredded before me.
How could a kind and loving God let a father twist His word in order to justify beating and controlling his wife and child?
How could He ever let a mother abandon the child she nursed at her breast to the monster my father became?
Everything I had ever known was gone. In the darkest time of my life, there were no footprints in the sand other than my own. There was no God there to carry me or hold me up. There was only a man to beat me down. I tried to hold onto the lessons I learned as a child about unconditional love and forgiveness, but they were slipping through my fingers more and more as each day passed. I thought I had things figured out, but now I was a confused mess, lost and alone in a world with no one, no God.
I could justify my father's behavior and believe that he was only doing what he thought was right. But then I would have to believe that about every murderer and rapist who refused to show regret over their actions. My father never showed any regret over my abuse and neglect. He surely did penance for his sins, but nothing that he did to me was ever on that list. He repented for things I was sure God could care less about. Whether we ate animal flesh or not is probably not high on His list of transgressions, but beating your daughter and starving her most likely are. However, if it is the way my father saw it, then I have no desire to put any more faith in Him, for I refuse to believe in or worship such a terrible deity. Truth is subjective when it comes to religion. Texts, written by mortal men, can be interpreted in any number of ways. There are so many religions, much older than Christianity, that I cannot place all my faith in one doctrine. The same underlying truths exist throughout them all. Lead a good and noble life to the best of your ability. Ask for, and grant, forgiveness when a wrong has occurred. Be thankful for what you have and treat yourself and others as you would like to be treated. That is the gist of everything. Anything else on top of that are just minor details, and I find myself hard pressed to believe that any supreme being or deity is concerned with such mundane details of human life as how long we spend in the shower.
Religion clouded my thoughts every time I tried to remember Charlie. I should grieve for him, but I couldn't find it within me. I was both angry and relieved that he was gone, but there was no sorrow. The briefest of flashes from my childhood are the only memories I have of him actually being a father. Everything else was tainted and dictated by his beliefs. He provided the bare necessities, and that was all the positives I could really think of. Otherwise he controlled me, neglected and abused me, both physically and emotionally. I've only been biding my time over the past few years, waiting until I could make my escape from him. I keep waiting for his death to stir some kind of sadness or grief within me, but I find myself numb, wondering if it will rear it's ugly head at some unknown point in the future. Had I already reconciled my feelings for him years ago and tucked them in some distant corner of my mind along with the horrors of what he did to me? Had my father already been dead to me for these past years? Is that why I was unable to grieve his death? The numbness I felt in relation to my father concerned me. I should feel something, anything. Was I so awful that I could not feel anything for the man who gave me life and provided for me? I forgave him, but was that enough, shouldn't I mourn his loss as well?
Brake lights in front of me cleared the rhetorical fog from my mind. Thankfully, my truck was incapable of speeding and I had plenty of time to stop. The highway was backed up for miles. I sighed and slumped back into my seat. Indio was not far, and I had hoped to be there within the hour. I was exhausted and hungry. After sitting for thirty minutes and only having moved a few car lengths, I noticed wisps of smoke coming out from under the hood. I decided it would be a good idea to pull over and turn off the truck. Even if I had no technical knowledge about automobiles, I did know that it could not be a good sign. Unsure of what to do, I got out of the truck and popped the hood. It was a useless gesture, as I had no idea what I was even looking at. Since I was trapped in traffic, the only thing I could do was to wait until the cars started moving, and then hope that I could start the truck and make it to the next exit. Feeling dejected, I camped out in the truck and snacked on some crackers and a cereal bar. I finished my water, and I knew I'd need a bathroom soon. Here I was, surrounded by people, and not a single one of them offered any assistance. We had nothing but time as we waiting for things to move along, yet no one seemed to even notice a young girl stranded on the side of the highway.
Of course, no sooner had those thoughts entered my mind, than a man approached my open window. Edward's plea to be safe reminded me of the pepper spray that was tucked next to me in the seat and I quickly found it. He gave me an easy smile, and I noticed a small woman with pale blond hair was with him. I held the little canister tightly, my finger on the button, but rationally I knew they most likely would not hurt me. Most ax murderers would not travel with such a beautiful woman, and we were surrounded by vehicles full of people. I plastered a tight smile on my face in greeting to the couple as they stood just outside my window.
"Good evening miss. Are you having car trouble?" His voice was like warm honey, and I felt compelled to trust him.
"I'm not sure. There was some smoke, so I thought I should probably pull over and turn it off?"
Even in the fading light, I could see how beautiful this couple was. They were dressed nicely and at first glance, seemed harmless. "Well this is a pretty ancient vehicle for such a young lady. If you would like, I could take a look at it?"
"Sure, I guess." I opened the door and slid out, deciding to trust them. After I had exited the cab, their demeanor changed immediately, and for a few moments I was scared that I had made the wrong choice. His nostrils flared and his eyes widened in surprise, then confusion. His whole body was tense, and when I looked over to the woman, she mirrored his stance. They looked at each other, and then he leaned inside the cab for a moment. When he pulled back, his eyes scrutinized every inch of me as if he was trying to solve some kind of mystery. I had backed up against the bed of my truck by this point, my mind racing, trying to figure out what I should do. "Is something wrong?" I stuttered, obviously uneasy.
The woman tilted her head to one side, studying me for a moment, then he spoke again. "I apologize if we have frightened you. We really would just like to help. I'm Peter, and this is my wife, Charlotte."
They both seemed more relaxed now, but I still felt anxious over their curious behavior. "I'm Bella."
"Well then, let's take a look." He nodded at Charlotte, who climbed into the cab and started the engine, and then he went to look under the hood. I stayed by the woman, feeling more comfortable with her. Peter took his time investigating whatever mechanical devices resided under the hood. Finally he emerged. "You have a cracked hose. You just need to add some water and she should make it to the next exit, once the traffic starts moving. In the morning you can get the hose replaced and she should be fine." He chuckled at my bewildered expression.
"I don't even know how to change the tire. This is my first car and I haven't had it very long." I mumbled, happy that it was dark so that they couldn't see how red I was with embarrassment.
"Bella? Do you know the Cullens?" Charlotte's lilting voice interrupted us. She was holding the black satchel Alice had left for me.
"Um...yes. Why?" How in the world did these strangers know the Cullens? How did they know I knew them? I was starting to wonder if I should have ever befriended the family. Things just kept getting weirder.
Peter's face lit up with a huge grin. "You know Jasper?"
"Yes. I went to school with him, and Alice and Edward..." Charlotte had a bemused expression on her face. "How do you know them?"
"Let's just say Jasper is an old friend." Peter chuckled.
"How did you know that I knew them?" I demanded, sure they could hear the panic creeping into my voice.
"Relax, Bella, this bag that you have? It has the Cullen crest on it." She pointed out a small pin on it that I hadn't even noticed. I grabbed the bag from her and took a closer look, still baffled.
"Ok..." The pin was just a combination of symbols and no one these days used crests anymore. How did she even recognize something as random as that?
"We've be friends of the family for a while, Bella. We'd know that crest anywhere. I'm not sure if you noticed, but each one of them wears something with this on it and they never take them off."
Charlotte's kind smile was doing little to stop my heart from racing, and I tried to remember ever seeing something like that on them. "Oh! You're right. Edward's leather cuff had something like this on it...and Alice's necklace." She nodded at my realization, and I felt a little more at ease. "Alice gave me the bag. She packed a few things for me. I stayed with them for a couple days after my father died and Dr. Cullen helped me find my mother." I explained.
"Jasper!" Peter's voice startled me and I whirled around to see he had a cell phone pressed to his ear. "Yes, it has been awhile...We seem to have run into a friend of yours...Bella?...Yes, she's fine, just some car trouble...No, no problem. Charlotte and I had plans for dinner, but we were, ah, interrupted..." His laugh was deep and rich. "Of course, Alice...We'll take care of it..." He grinned at me and held out the phone. "Alice would like to talk to you."
I took the phone from him tentatively. "Alice?"
"Bella!" She squealed into the phone. "What a coincidence that you ran into Peter and Charlotte. They are friends of the family. Don't worry, they're going to help you fix your truck and you'll be on your way again tomorrow, ok?"
"Yeah, sure. Small world, huh?" I quipped nervously.
"Definitely. So, how is the trip going?"
"Just fine. Except for my truck, of course."
"Well, no worries. It's a good thing Peter found you. We miss you." I felt a pang of sadness at being away from my friend.
"I miss you too Alice. I just wanted to thank you for everything. You really didn't have to do all that, but I appreciate it more than you'll ever know."
"Hey, that's what friends are for. You really didn't think I would send you out into the world unprepared did you? Just don't forget about us." Her voice lost a little of the usual excitement at the end.
"I don't think I could ever forget you Alice. Make sure you let everyone know I'm ok and I miss them too. Give them my thanks as well."
"Of course I will. Ok, Jasper wants to talk to Peter again. Take care of yourself Bella, and don't forget to call if you need anything."
"Thanks, Alice." I handed the phone back to Peter. I immediately felt the loss of the brief connection with Alice, and remembered what I had left behind there. All those stolen moments with Edward, and the kindness of the rest of the family. I sighed wearily.
Charlotte was giggling. "She's a hyper one, isn't she?"
"Yeah, who knew someone that tiny could harness that much energy." I offered a wry smile.
"Maybe we'll head up that way soon then....Yes...She'll be fine...You have my word...Ok...See you soon...Bye." Peter flipped the phone shut and appraised me one more time, before shaking his head. "I have been informed that we are to make sure you make it to a hotel safely and then we're going to fix your truck."
"Oh, are you sure? I don't want to inconvenience you...I heard you say you had dinner plans..."
They exchanged an amused look. "Please, don't worry about it. Our plans were already ruined, and there's always tomorrow night. We're glad that we can help, especially knowing you're a friend of the Cullens."
"Well thank you. I really appreciate it. I can pay you for your time or any parts that you need."
"Seriously, don't worry about it, Bella. Now, do you have any water?" Charlotte asked, looking around the cab of my truck.
"No, I drank the last of it just a little while ago." I replied sullenly, knowing from now on I would always keep a gallon of water in the truck for emergencies.
"Tell you what, when the traffic starts moving again, I'll go get some water for your truck. Then we'll follow you to the next exit and I'll take care of whatever else she needs there. How does that sound?"
"Sounds great." I couldn't help but let out a relieved sigh. Whatever unease I still harbored for the Cullens and these strangers was unfounded. They had been nothing but kind to me, going out of their way to help me out. Maybe it was just an instinctual reaction because I'd never been able to really trust anyone before. There were always too many secrets. Now it seemed like everyone else around me had secrets, while I no longer had anything to hide. I had no reason not to trust the Cullens, and if these two were friends of the family then I should be able to trust them as well.
~~**~~
I was back in the closet again. The lashes on my back oozing blood and my stomach twisted in hunger. My father was outside the door with the whip, ready to tear my flesh to shreds again. He was pounding on the door and the wood was starting to splinter. I screamed and the room was flooded with light. A man stood in the doorway.
"Bella?" A woman's voice called to me. Someone was shaking me. "Bella, wake up!"
The sleepy haze finally cleared and I realized I was in a hotel room. Charlotte was on the bed next to me trying to wake me up, and Peter stood by the door. They both looked worried, and I realized that I'd had another nightmare. My screams must have scared them.
I felt all the blood rush to my face and I stammered out an apology. "I'm sorry...it was just a dream. I have nightmares."
Charlotte stood over me, her head cocked to the side. "You're ok then?"
"Yeah. I'm fine. Just pictures in my head." I shrugged. "Um, what time is it?" I looked around for the clock. It was just after five in the morning. "What are you two doing here so early?"
"Fixing your truck. We're early risers and thought it would be best to get it done so you could be on your way." Peter answered. I eyed the damaged door frame and he quickly assessed the damage. "Don't worry, I'll take care of it." He assured me. "We thought you were in trouble. Sorry for intruding."
"Oh, no problem. Thanks for checking on me...and for fixing my truck..."
"We'll just go back out to the truck then. Peter will handle the door issue with the manager. We should be done soon." Charlotte rested her hand on Peter's chest and gently pushed him out the door. "Why don't you try to get some more sleep?" She gave me a warm smile before pulling the door shut, and amazingly it stayed closed even though all the latches and locks were broken. I knew I needed to try to get more sleep, but I was wide awake and the door couldn't be locked. With a sigh, I grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom to get ready for the day. I'd drink something with caffeine and be on my way, maybe catching a nap later.
Not long after I was done, Peter and Charlotte knocked on the door to let me know the truck was fixed and they were going to take off. I tried to give him some money, but he refused. Charlotte patted my shoulder awkwardly and made me promise to be safe. Then they were gone and I was loading up my bags, getting ready to hit the road. I'd be in the same city as my mother before noon. That thought didn't give me any of the comfort it should have. Anxiety spiked through me and I was convinced this plan of mine was completely and utterly insane.
Soda and anxiety kept me awake and alert on the remaining trip. It was uneventful and my truck ran smoother than it ever had. The odds of meeting friends of the Cullens all the way out here on a stretch of highway still didn't sit well with me. However, the odds that I would ever see the family again were slim, so I tried to push them all to the back of my mind. I had to concentrate on the future, it was all I had now. Depending on how things went with my mother, I would either have a home with family or be an orphaned teen on her own. The weight of what was around the corner weighed heavily on my shoulders. What I wouldn't give to have friends or some kind of support through all this. This was uncharted territory and for some idiotic reason, I almost missed the routine I had lived with over the past years with my father. It was safe in a way, and predictable.
The exit signs for Phoenix loomed overhead and I sucked in a deep breath.
Here goes everything.