Chapter 26

Unto this World

Horton Center was a small thirty bed hospital devoted to cardiac and pulmonary patients. I was offered the head of cardiac surgery, but I told them that I would not assume the role until my baby was six months old. For the next nine months, I just wanted to get through my pregnancy, do surgeries and go home at night to take care of my baby. I had mixed feelings about being pregnant. I knew it might be my last chance because at my age things were getting dicey. Between declining fertility and increasing chances of birth defects, I decided that I shouldn't mess with fate. I decided against an abortion. I think I would have kept it anyway. The idea of plucking out the child Greg had given me was repugnant. Sure, I had always imagined that I would have a husband or partner when I got pregnant. I even thought women who got pregnant by 'accident' were stupid idiots for not taking the proper precautions or the morning after pill. But, when I got in my car in Princeton to drive to Los Angeles, my whole body was aching from having to say goodbye. I wasn't able to think straight for days. When I did allow myself to think about that last afternoon together, I'd collapse into a flood of tears. In fact, I didn't think about the lack of birth control until my period didn't come and then it hit me like a pound of bricks.

I moved to San Diego in my seventh month of pregnancy which, besides horrible heartburn, was very uneventful. Of course, the surgical team at Horton Center was a little put out that their premier cardiac surgeon had just arrived only to soon be out on maternity leave; but I had informed Thomas Fuller, the Chairman of the Board of Directors, that I was pregnant when he hired me, so I didn't feel any guilt. I soon discovered that Horton wasn't the small, no-name hospital I thought it was. It was low key, but apparently a very popular hospital with Mexican and South American politicians and business men. Many important dignitaries and entrepreneurs from various Hispanic governments showed up on my operating table. I had wondered how the hospital had managed to meet my UCLA salary and soon found out it was because these men paid extravagant fees to come to America to have their surgery. I was making over $450,000 and would make more when I took over as head of cardiac surgery.

I took a light load while I was pregnant, only operating on the very worst cases. I wasn't very big, for some reason I only gained twenty-six pounds despite eating like a pig. My ultrasounds showed no problems, so my obstetrician continued to allow me to work with the caution that I take a light load and stay off my feet when not operating.

I was carrying a boy. When I was told I was a little disappointed. I knew about girls, how they thought, what to expect, but boys were different. I only knew that my older brothers were enigmas to me. Their teasing, rough housing, constant one upmanship made no sense to me, but when it was aimed at me, I have to admit, it toughened me up. Still, when I was told that I was carrying this alien gender in my body I cringed. But over the next few months, I'd grown to appreciate the little creature that used my insides as his own punching bag. I had a distinct feeling that this boy was going to be a lot like his father. Seriously, every time I sat down and got a kick, I thought of Greg. I had a feeling that he would take a perverse pleasure in knowing that I was befuddled as to what I should do with a boy.

Susan flew out twice more during my pregnancy, both times insuring that all photos depicted me from the chest up. Even then, Greg apparently remarked that I looked pudgy to him. We spent several days shopping for baby things, but Susan refused to help me assemble any of the furniture.

She kicked back with a margarita in one hand and a burrito in the other. "Why assemble when we can pay two young hot guys to come in and do it for us?"

An hour later the assemblers arrived. We watched as Hector and Jesus assembled the crib and changing table.

Laughing I whispered, "I have a feeling you weren't expecting these two middle aged guys with pot bellies?"

She sneered at me and continued to sip her margarita. "Yeah, well if this were Princeton they'd be hot students."

Whenever we'd have to wait in line to buy something (which Susan hated since she never had to wait when she was growing up), she'd poke at my belly, trying to feel the little alien kick. But, he refused to kick for her until her last night in California. I was sitting in the corner of my sofa and all hell broke out inside my womb. He started moving, kicking, stretching, playing rock songs…the kid was partying.

"Suz…hurry, come here." I had my hand on my belly where a little lump appeared from time to time. "He's performing."

She walked over, sat down and I put her hand on the lump. She smiled and then bam, he kicked her hand off about half an inch. She yanked it back as if my stomach was hot to the touch. "Oh my God! My God! There really is a baby in there and it's alive!"

I started laughing. "What did you think—it was a big tumor?"

"I don't know what I thought, but it wasn't real until now. Will you call me so that I can come out when you have the baby?"

I thought about it. I'd love to have Susan, but I wondered if Greg would figure it out. "What would you tell Greg?"

"Just that I need a break and I'm coming out here to visit."

"You haven't said anything about him or Paul since you've been out here. What's going on?"

She sighed and shook her head. "I don't know. I'm still seeing both of them, but Paul's getting tired of it. He keeps telling me that he won't share me for much longer, that I need to make my choice."

"You want one of them to make it for you." I said with certainty.

She laughed, "How well you know me! Yes, I wish one would give me up or that the answer would come to me in a dream."

"It's not going to."

"I think I still love Greg the most, but now I know he's not the one. He runs right over me. I'll always be a doormat for him."

"Then you have your answer."

"Easier said than done. He's also addictive. I love the excitement he brings into my life, the idea that every day may bring some new drama when I'm with him. He's also better in bed, especially now that he knows I'm sleeping with Paul too."

"I didn't need to hear that." I said with a smile.

Grinning she shrugged. "I know it's going to come to an end soon, but it's hard giving one of them up."

"I'm sorry, Susan. It must be so rough having two men fight over you."

She chuckled at the sarcasm in my voice. "I know! I shouldn't complain. But they both have their good and bad points. The funny thing is that I don't think Greg really cares what I decide. I mean, he cares, but if I told him it was over I think he'd shrug and get on with his life. On the other hand, if I told Paul the same thing Paul would be devastated."

"Again, so sorry for your problems."

"Okay, I get it…stop complaining. Any men in your life?"

I looked at my belly. "Are you joking?"

"Hey, I figure if there are chubby chasers, maybe there's preggar chasers?"

"Nah, no such luck."

Susan flew home to Greg and Paul. I spent my time between work and home.

A month later, on a very sunny Saturday morning, I went to the bathroom for a pee and felt something odd. Looking in the toilet I realized that I had passed 'the show,' the mucus plug that holds everything inside the womb. I didn't lose my water, but I felt cramps every ten minutes. I knew I was in the beginning of labor. I had friends in Los Angeles that I could have called to share the news, but I called Susan instead. Greg picked up.

I froze.

"I can read caller I.D. What's up Fin?" He said with some irritation.

"Hi, Greg. How are you?" I asked even though a part of me wanted to yell 'I'm giving birth to your child. Would you even care?'

"I'm fine. How are you?"

"Fine." I said, my heart beating, my uterus contracting with more frequency. "How's your team?"

"Fine. Are you happy?"

My heart seized up. What a question. "I'm happy enough. You?"

"Here she is." I heard the phone being passed and he was gone.

"Fin?" Susan's voice was excited; she obviously knew I was calling about going into labor.

"It's time. I'm in the early stage of labor."

"Okay, I have the information; I'm catching a plane—"

"Don't tell House why…okay?"

She sounded annoyed. "Of course not. Alright. If you aren't at home, I know where to go. See you tonight."

When she hung up I tried not to think of Greg, but how could I not? He just happened to be the father of my child and I was wishing that I could hold his hand as I gave birth. Still, his voice had been flat, uninterested. I couldn't tell if he was doing it because Susan was nearby or if he had just lost interest in me.

I spent the day watching television and practicing my breathing. It seemed as if the progress of my contractions had slowed. I had only gone from ten minutes to eight minutes apart by four in the afternoon. At five I heard a car door slam and so I went to the door to see. Opening the door, I smiled to see Susan walking towards the door with her luggage. She looked somewhat anxious her eyes big and her jaw taut.

"I'm so glad you're here, I'm just about to go to the hospital; now you can drive me."

"You don't know how excited I am and it's not even my baby!" She said barely able to keep herself contained. She hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Putting her luggage in the guest room, she was back down the stairs and ready to go in less than two minutes.

I picked up my overnight back and then looked at her. "You know, if you have a book, you should bring it."

"I have one in my purse, come on, let's get going." She grabbed the bag from me and we headed for my car. "Oh how cute! A car seat! I never even thought about that, but you're going to need it, aren't you?"

I wrinkled my brow to let her know she was being silly. "Yeah, I had it installed last week. Can we just get to the hosp—ahghh." A contraction hit so hard I doubled over and had a hard time standing back up.

"Fin! Are you okay?" Susan came back over to my side of the car.

"Yes, let's just get going, okay?"

She nodded and within five minutes we were loaded and on our way to the hospital. They let me skip the paperwork since I worked at the hospital and knew I had good insurance. My contractions had been coming every three minutes, but after getting settled in my room, they spread back out to five minutes. I was frustrated, but Susan was happy, the urgency of getting me to the hospital had made her flustered and this breather meant she could go down to the cafeteria and get some food.

Susan took her wallet and left her purse. When her cell phone rang, I pulled it out of her purse and answered without looking at the I.D. I shouldn't have.

"Hello?"

"You aren't Susan. In fact, aren't you a Susan wannabe?"

"Very funny. She's not here right now. I'll have her call you."

"What's that sound?"

"A monitor."

"You're at the hospital?" He sounded suspicious.

"Yep, I had an emergency patient that turned out not to be an emergency. Susan went to the cafeteria to get some coffee."

"So she got there alright. Okay, that's all I needed to know…" There was a deep silence and I thought he had hung up, but the phone was showing a connection.

"Greg? Ahhgggg." A huge contraction hit me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I've been having stomach cramps today…food poisoning. Greg, I have to go."

"Do you miss me?"

It was like someone hit me in the face with a frying pan. "Like a boil on my ass."

He chuckled. "I miss you too." And then the phone went dead.

The contraction hit and all the frustration and pain ebbed up and out of my mouth in one huge wail. The contraction stopped, but not the crying. Luckily everyone attributed it to labor and I didn't dissuade them of that notion.

Susan made it back and after five hours of contractions spaced between four and five minutes, I thought she was going to abandon ship out of boredom. But then I got a string of contractions and threw up when I went through transition. Susan came alive at the prospect of lots of pushing, screaming and a baby. She wasn't disappointed.

My son came into the world kicking and screaming, red and beefy, looking long and wiry for a seven pound baby. He let the world know that he wasn't happy about his changed circumstances. He wanted back in the womb and he let us know it. There wasn't much hair on top of his head, but what was there was a light brown or dark blonde. His eyes were dark and we couldn't really tell what color they were would end up being, but he had long eyelashes to match his abnormally long fingers, even though they were tiny in comparison to an adult.

Susan had been at the other end and helped ease him into the world. She was crying, but not anywhere near the volume that Brennon was. After she cut the cord, they cleaned, weighed and measured him before Susan brought him back over and let me hold him. I have to admit, as tired as I was, I still felt a certain pang of nervousness. I had a screaming baby on my hand and wasn't sure if he would respond to my feeble attempts to quiet him.

Lying on my chest, he started to calm with minimum effort from me.

"He can hear your heart; it's familiar. What are you going to name him?" The nurse asked, as she cleaned me up.

"Brennon Aidan Doyle."

"Nice name."

Susan was taking photos and grinning like she had done all the work. I had to pose a few times and then they changed my gown and swaddled Bren in a receiving blanket before handing him back to me.

"In a few minutes, we'll try breast feeding." The nurse said.

We? The royal we? I'm so exhausted, if she wants to breast feed, go for it! A few minutes later, they showed me how to stimulate his sucking mechanism and bam he latched on. There wasn't much at first to give him, especially sense it was mostly colostrum, but it must have been enough because he seemed happy and sleepy. I put him back in his plexiglass bassinette and said good bye to Susan while I went to sleep.

Two days later Bren and I went home in the car with the car seat. Both of us were very healthy. I was a little sore from some tearing, but luckily I had no episiotomy. Susan, despite my protests, had hired a full time house keeper for the next month as a baby gift to me. She set up a trust fund with $50,000 for Bren as his baby gift.

My breakdown on the fourth night after Bren's arrival shocked both me and Susan, but she came to my rescue. Bren was crying and nothing I could do seemed to calm him. I was so weary that I started having fits of sobbing. "What did I do? This is so stupid; I should have had an abortion, adopted him out. What was I thinking? I'm not a fit mother."

Susan patted my back and took Bren from me. She turned off the light and said softly, "Go to sleep, I'll take care of Bren."

I was going to protest, insist that I was his mother and I knew what was best, but the physical took over and I succumbed to my exhaustion. When I woke up, it was light outside and Susan was knocking on my bedroom door. I looked at the clock and I had received six straight hours of sleep, but my breasts were heavy from not feeding Bren during the night.

The door opened and a smiling Susan brought my wide-awake son into the bedroom. "Did you get some sleep?"

"I feel like a new person." I held out my arms. "Ahh, let me have him. Did you feed him?"

"We gave him a couple of bottles last night so that you could sleep, but he's hungry again."

I undid my nursing gown and let him latch on. It was painful at first, my nipples were sore, but once he actually started nursing the pain went away. I looked down at him, he was trying to stare at me but I could tell I still wasn't in focus. He looked so beautiful that I started crying.

"Oh, no, you're crying again?"

"Don't worry, good tears. I was just thinking how beautiful he is and how much I love him."

"Well after the hell he gave me last night, he's on my list. But, I think if I get a few hours sleep, I might grow to like him again."

"Oh, did he keep you up all night?"

"Half of it. I'm going to call it a night."

"Thank you, Suz. I love you."

"Love you too."

She was only there for another week, but she was wonderful. She made sure that I got plenty of breaks and that Bren had a few outings with her inthe stroller so that I could get some work done or go to the grocery store. The housekeeper turned out to be a Godsend. Susan and the housekeeper kept up with the mounting wash and saw to it that I was fed. I know it sounds lazy, but what good is having money if you don't use it when it will help the most?

I hired her part time, to come in once a week to do the housekeeping and laundry although I tried to keep up with the wash all week long. I then went about finding a nanny for Bren. I went through three days of interviews and eventually settled on a twenty-one year old girl who went to school at night. She worked for me from seven to six Monday through Friday and both Bren and I came to love Tracey. She was brilliant. Even when I had to stay late at work, she'd drive Bren to the hospital so that he could go into the staff daycare which was a perk for working at the hospital.

The hospital staff soon became used to seeing Bren if I was staying late. There were a couple of night nurses that loved watching him because he really was a cutie. He learned to smile rather quickly and that helped smooth a lot of paths when I needed help.

Susan came back out when Bren was four months old and complained that I never came to see her. I grimaced since there was no way I could take Bren back. One look at Bren and House would know. Bren had some features of Greg-- the blue eyes, the long fingers and legs, the same stare when he was trying to figure something out. But he had my petite nose and ears and a mixture of our face shapes. Personality wise, he was his own person. Yes, I could tell right away that he was smart, but he also smiled quite a lot and although we had a rocky start, he soon settled into being a 'good' baby with very little fuss.

Things went well for the first ten months and then I got the call.

Dear Reader:

Sorry, the next few days may be hard for me to post but I'll try. I have a lot going on right now, a friend is in hospice and things are going downhill fast. Thanks for understanding. Kim