I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel any trepidation in returning to my apartment with Edward. It wasn't that I was afraid of what he was, but I just wasn't sure what this would mean for us. His self-loathing was evident. He hated what he was, and I wondered how he came to be. Would he be willing to share that part of him with me?
Once I was ready for bed, I returned to the living room where he was waiting.
"Did you still want to lay with me?" I asked quietly. He looked up at me incredulously. "I mean, I assume you don't sleep in coffins, so is the bed okay?" I stammered out, my face heated in embarrassment. Now that I knew what he was, I wasn't sure what, if anything, would change. I hoped I wouldn't offend him with any of my naive questions.
His brow furrowed and he looked down at his hands. "I don't sleep."
My jaw dropped, sure he must be kidding. "Ever?"
He shook his head ruefully. "Never."
"Oh." I tried to imagine never sleeping again, and I couldn't imagine. Then another thought hit me. "So. Um. What do you do all night while I sleep? I can't imagine how boring that must be for you." I could feel my cheeks blooming again.
"Actually, you're very interesting to watch. I usually listen to music or read...I also think...a lot."
"So all those nights..." I didn't think it was possible for my face to get any redder. Those nights he'd held me, he never slept, just sat there and watched me.
He nodded and gave me lopsided grin. "You talk in your sleep."
I covered my face with my hands. "Please tell me I didn't say anything too embarrassing?"
"Not at all, Bella. I find it endearing."
"Really?" I whispered, peeking out from between my fingers. He nodded.
"You don't think she's going to come back tonight do you?" I asked, changing the topic. I hugged myself a little tighter at the memory of the wild woman from the woods. Seeing her and Esme fighting was terrifying. I knew if she ever got her hands on me, I'd not last more than a few minutes before I was dead. I briefly wondered how it would happen. Would she throw me into a wall or tree? Would she just rip me apart? Would she drink my blood? I could feel the blood drain from my face.
Edward was suddenly standing before me, he hands extended as if he wanted to comfort me, but was unsure of my reaction. I stepped closer to him instead, and pressed myself into his arms, inhaling his comforting scent. His arms wrapped around me, one hand delving into my hair while the other pressed against my lower back as he held me closely. "I don't know, but I won't let her hurt you. Alice hasn't seen anything yet. She'll probably move on and forget all about you."
"She said it wasn't over yet." I pointed out, trembling. I didn't want her to come back for me, but I was even more afraid she might hurt someone else. I'd never be able to forgive myself if anything happened to the Cullens on my account. Esme was already injured because of me.
"Shh, Bella. We'll protect you. How about we get you to bed?" I nodded shakily. After a dizzying moment, I found myself in the bed and Edward was tucking the covers around me.
"You really should give a girl some warning before you do things like that, Edward." I admonished him.
"Did I hurt you?" He asked, suddenly concerned.
"No, it's just...disorienting."
"Oh, ok. I'll try to remember that next time. Now that you know, it's nice to be able to be myself around you."
I smiled and patted the bed next to me, but he looked hesitant.
"You don't want to?"
"You want me to? Knowing what I am? What I'm capable of?"
"Of course I want you to. I'm not afraid of you, Edward. I don't trust you any less." I explained for what must have the twentieth time that day.
He opened his mouth, probably to warn me against him again, but I cut him off. "Just get over here." The mattress sank slightly with the weight of his body as he laid down beside me, on top of the covers, as usual. It occurred to me that I should probably have been worried about being struck down by the hand of God for having a boy laying in my bed. I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped.
"What?" He asked. The corners of his mouth curling up into that ridiculously dazzling grin.
I shook my head. "I was just thinking about how some people might consider this improper – the two of us lying in bed together. I halfway expect a bolt of lightening to strike me down, if not by God, then by my father. Then add to that fact that you're a vampire...and well if I'm going to hell, I might as well do so thoroughly." I laughed lightly and he looked at me like I was crazy. "We both know it's innocent." I shrugged.
"How can you not be concerned about having a vampire in your bed?" He asked me.
"Are you going to kill me?"
His mouth flew open in shock. "Of course not!"
"Then what do I have to be worried about? Besides, if that other vampire comes back for me, I'd much rather have you right by my side than in the living room."
I turned on my side, trying to get comfortable, but I found I wasn't tired.
"Edward, how old are you?"
"Seventeen."
"How long have you been seventeen?"
He seemed to hesitate, and I turned to my other side so I could face him. He blew out a breath. "Aren't you tired?"
"Not yet. Will you tell me your story?"
He turned to his side and propped his head on his hand. "Are you sure you want to hear it?" I nodded. "It's not pretty." He warned me.
"Edward, of course I want to know. The good and the bad. You don't have to hide anything from me."
He nodded, turning to lay on his back, his hands folded behind his head while he stared at the ceiling. "I was born in 1901, in Chicago." He looked sideways at me, judging my reaction. I nodded and motioned for him to continue. I expected that he had been around for some time, but compared to Carlisle's three hundred and sixty years, a mere century was still within the realm of understanding. After all, it was well within the era of recorded history and a period that was still studied in school.
Edward told me what he could remember of his parents, Edward Sr. and Elizabeth Masen. He explained that after the change, and through time, human memories fade. The nights we had spent talking were hard for him because he was struggling to remember things he hadn't thought about since he was turned. Carlisle changed him in 1918, after both his parents had died from the Spanish Influenza. He was dying, and his mother begged Dr. Cullen to save her son with her last breath. Carlisle had been lonely for so long, that he gave in and made Edward his first companion. They'd been together ever since.
"But, if you've always been with Dr. Cullen..." I started. "Alice told me that you didn't always drink from animals."
He groaned and cursed Alice. "I'm not sure you want to hear that part of the story."
"I'm quite sure that I do." I replied indignantly and he eyed me warily. "I'm not going to run away screaming, Edward." He pursed his lips giving me a dubious look.
"I went through a rebellious period. I was arrogant and ignorant. I thought I knew better than Carlisle and so I went off on my own to hunt humans." He paused, watching me closely once again. "That doesn't repulse you?"
"No. It seems reasonable." He let out a harsh laugh. "What made you go back to animals then?"
"You see, with my gift, I could seek out the most vile humans, so I knew I was only destroying someone who was a menace to society – rapists and murderers. I thought that if I preyed only on the evil, then I would be able to avoid the guilt that comes with having a conscience. Still, the human lives I took began to have their toll on me, and after a couple of years I returned to Carlisle and Esme, who welcomed me with open arms of course."
I mulled over the information he had just given me and I couldn't find it within myself to be concerned that he had once taken human lives. Considering what he was, it really did seem reasonable that he at least tested out the lifestyle his kind usually lived. He was at least noble about it and didn't just kill with wild abandon.
"What are you thinking?" He murmured apprehensively.
"I'm thinking that you are most definitely not a monster. In those days, I'm sure criminals got away with a lot more than they do now, and you have to admit an awful lot of heinous crimes still go unpunished. They didn't have any of the technology we have now to prove their guilt. Your actions were actually quite noble and I imagine you saved many more lives than you took. One serial killer may have had many victims, and once you removed them from the picture, all the lives he might have taken in the future were saved."
He'd stood up from the bed and was glaring at me. "Bella, I am a murderer." He ground out between clenched teeth.
"I don't see it that way, Edward. Someone had to stop those men from committing those atrocious crimes. Don't you see? They were the monsters. You were the hero."
Edward stalked around the room, obviously angered by my nonchalance over what he considers an unforgivable past. "Make no mistake, I am no hero." He growls.
"Why are you so upset, Edward? You think I don't understand that you have killed people? You think I don't understand that you can be dangerous?"
He stops pacing and stares hard out the window. "I just don't understand how you can still sit here in the same room with me and want me in your bed after what I've done."
"Does the soldier's wife welcome him back into her bed when he returns from war?" I asked softly as he gasped sharply.
A sad smile plays on his lips. "Before Carlisle changed me, I wanted nothing more than to go off to war. Of course my mother was against the idea, but it was all I could think of. I could not wait until my eighteenth birthday."
"If you had remained human and found a girl to love, would she not have welcomed you home with open arms? The whole town would have welcomed you home as a hero for killing others in the name of war. Tell me, would those you might have killed in that war been vile criminals?"
He shook his head slightly. "No, they would most likely have been innocent boys, like myself, fighting for a government they believed in."
"Then do you see how I could overlook your crimes? I care for you Edward, and I don't believe you are a monster. You may have killed, but you have saved many more."
The bed sank with his weight as he finally sat beside me. "Could you really care for someone like me, Bella?"
"Someone like you? Someone who is kind and compassionate? Someone who puts others' safety before his own? Someone who abstains from that which he is created to consume? You may have spent two years hunting down murderers and rapists, but you've spent more than eighty years denying your nature and living a morally acceptable alternative. Of the thousands of vampires, how many choose the high road?"
"We know of twelve. But, Bella, it's not easy. We consider ourselves vegetarians. It would be like humans living on the diet your father forced on you. While the blood of animals sustains us, it never fully satisfies - not like human blood."
"Then do you not see how much more noble that is? To commit yourself to a diet that is unsatisfying because the alternative is morally reprehensible to you? I couldn't even do that for one decade, and you've done it for eight."
I could see this was not an argument that would be won in one night. Edward has obviously loathed himself since he was created, or at least since his time hunting humans. "Let me ask you this, Edward. Should we all dwell on our mistakes and live our lives thinking poorly of ourselves? Or is it better to forgive ourselves for our transgressions and strive to do better?"
His brow furrowed as he contemplated his answer, but I pressed my fingers to his lips.
"Don't answer. Just think about it, and understand that it is possible for someone to view your actions as noble instead of wretched."
I felt the slightest pressure of his lips as he pursed them against my fingers in the gentlest of kisses. He brought one of his hands to cup my cheek and I instinctively leaned into it. "I don't deserve you." He murmured.
"You do. You deserve anything good that comes your way. If you believe I'm part of that good, then you deserve me too."
"You are good, Bella. The purest soul I've ever known. You don't know how much it means to me that you accept me as I am." I was momentarily lost as his amber eyes smoldered with some influx of emotion. One look from him could take my breath away, literally. A crooked grin broke out on his perfect face as he caressed my cheek. "Breathe, Bella." He reminded me and I sucked in a breath and blushed crimson.
"You were doing it again." I whispered, looking down at our joined hands.
"Doing what?"
"Dazzling me."
"I dazzle you?" He slipped a finger under my chin and coaxed me to look at him again.
"Frequently." I breathed, trying to retain my senses in the presence of his breathtaking grin.
He chuckled. "You dazzle me too, you know." I looked away and shook my head. There was no way that a plain, clumsy human could ever dazzle someone as beautiful and perfect as Edward Cullen. He placed his cold hands on either side of my face pulling me towards him as he inhaled deeply. When our faces were inches apart, he stopped. "Frequently." He said sincerely, before closing the distance and pressing his lips against my forehead. Electricity burned through me at the intimate gesture and I missed him as soon as soon as he withdrew. "Sleep now, my Bella." He insisted, patting my pillow.
Once we were settled, he began to hum. It was a beautiful melody that I'd not heard before. "What is that you're humming?" I asked him as sleep slurred my question.
"Just something I've been working on." He murmured. I smiled in response and drifted off to sleep.
As much as Edward's presence comforted me, the nightmares were now relentless. I woke every couple of hours drenched in sweat and trembling. Fiery red hair and crimson rivulets of blood haunted my dreams. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see her watching me – waiting for her chance to steal my life away. Edward fervently whispered promises that she would never get to me. He vowed to always protect me, and the next morning, he didn't hesitate to call Dr. Cullen, begging him to do something to help me sleep.
~~**~~
"Are you sure you're ready?" Edward asked me before we got out of his car.
"As ready as I'll ever be." I replied.
"Just remember we're here for you." Alice laid her hand on my shoulder from the backseat where she sat with Jasper.
Rosalie had offered to work on my truck, but Edward wanted to buy me a new car, citing the truck was a rusted out death trap. We were at an impasse at the moment and so he would be driving me to school until we figured everything out.
The students in the parking lot were already staring. News always circulated quickly through small towns like Forks. The school hadn't changed at all in the time I'd been away. I doubt very much ever changes there. The town was stagnant, so any interesting speck of news was latched onto and spun into wild tales. Gossip was the main source of entertainment in a place like this, and once again, Bella Swan would be the center of it.
I gave Edward what I hoped was a reassuring smile and he quickly exited the car and dashed around it to open my door for me. He took my backpack from me and hefted it to his own shoulder, as I climbed out of the Volvo. The three of them formed a kind of protective entourage around me as we walked up to the school. Without vampire hearing, I couldn't tell if anything was being said, but if I had to rely on Edward's body language, I'd say he certainly didn't like what he was hearing. As we walked, the three of them leveled glares at anyone they deemed a threat and I was stifling a laugh by the time we got to my first class.
Because nothing ever changes, and new students are few and far between, I had the same schedule of classes from before I left. Mr. Mason welcomed me back and I quickly took my seat next to Alice, ever thankful that she had changed her schedule previously. Angela's face lit up when she walked through the door and saw me there. She hurried over and threw her arms around me.
"Bella! I'm so glad you're back. I've missed you." She wasn't usually this exuberant, but I was glad to see there were no hard feelings considering I basically ran out on her family.
"Hey Angela. I missed you too. We should probably talk, if you want to come over one day this week?"
She gave me a genuine smile. "I'd love to. Just let me know when."
Mike had also entered the class and he hovered behind Angela as if he wanted to speak to me, but wasn't sure if he should.
"Hey Mike." I gave him a small wave, and returned it with a smile, before he took his seat.
There wasn't much new about the class. Another novel I'd already read. Another boring lecture. The bright point of the class was when I saw Edward waiting for me in the hall. I couldn't help the smile that took over my face, and he quickly stepped up to take my backpack. I saw him smirk at someone over my shoulder and turned my head slightly to see Mike watching us with a frown.
"He thought he might have another chance with you, even though he's been dating Jessica Stanley since you left." Edward explained as he walked me to my next class. I just shook my head. I'd never understand the fascination the boys of Forks had with me.
As we approached my next class, Lauren and Jessica were standing outside the room and Edward's whole body stiffened. He must have heard something he didn't like.
"What?" I whispered.
"You don't want to know. Watch out for those two." He nodded in their direction. "And try not to listen to anything they say. They're insanely jealous of you." I couldn't help but blush.
"Why on earth would they be jealous of me?"
He stopped and turned, backing me up against the wall. He placed one hand above my head and leaned in, making sure he had my full attention. "Silly Bella, you don't see yourself very clearly. Most of the boys here are dying for their chance with you, and the girls are envious. Teenagers can be cruel though, so please don't let anything they say get to you." His eyes had captured me once again and I barely nodded. He gave me a lopsided grin when he noticed I was having a hard time breathing. "Breathe, Bella." He murmured and then brushed his fingers ever so gently across my cheekbone. My cheeks bloomed bright red. Satisfied with my reaction, as well as Jessica and Lauren's, he pushed away from the wall with a smug smile and handed me my bag. "I'll see you after class." The scowl on Lauren's face was priceless.
The rest of the day passed similarly. Edward walked with me between classes, and he took any opportunity he had to send a message to those who wanted to torment me. I sat with the Cullens at lunch, though Angela seemed a little sad about the arrangement. I knew there was no way I could sit at the same table as Lauren. I was not a masochist. Sitting next to Edward in Biology again was the highlight of my day, and though we didn't touch, the current that hummed between us was enough. Everything seemed brighter, easier when he was there. I still dreaded gym, especially because I'd have to share the locker room with Jessica and Lauren, but Alice would be there, and that made me feel better. I knew she wouldn't let them pull anything over on me.
It was a long day, but it was nothing compared to what my days used to be like. As much as I hated to take charity or be a burden, I was glad I came back. Even if I was now twisted up in the world of vampires, I hadn't felt this at home since I was a small child.
Alice and Jasper caught a ride home with Emmett and Rosalie, so Edward could drive me home. He explained how they would be taking shifts watching out for me, making sure I was safe. Edward and Alice volunteered to take on the majority of the shifts as they actually enjoyed my company. I wasn't sure where I stood with the other members of the family, but I guess I would be finding out over the next couple of days...or weeks. Hopefully, this would be over soon. The idea of being such an inconvenience for the family did not sit well with me. As much as I hoped I'd never see that red hair again, I wanted her to come sooner, rather than later. The unknown nature of the situation was unsettling. Whose to say she wouldn't come back until ten years down the line, after the Cullens have already moved on? Who would protect me then?
The idea of the Cullens moving on brought tears to my eyes. They didn't age, and couldn't stay here in Forks any longer than a couple more years. Where would that leave me?
A cold tingling on my cheek, brought me back to reality. Edward had parked in front of my apartment building, and I had no clue how long we'd been sitting there. He had gently wiped a tear from my cheek, and I thought I saw him bring his finger quickly to his lips.
"Bella?" He called to me. "What's wrong?"
I shook my head and tried to calm myself down. One day he would be gone from my life – they all would be. Once again I would be alone. I stumbled out of the car and up the stairs before he could stop me. Well, he could have stopped me if he really wanted to, but I think he sensed that I needed some space. I made my way to the bathroom and quickly turned on the shower. A hot shower would give me the solitude I needed and maybe he wouldn't be able to hear my crying over the sound of the water. I knew vampire hearing was acute, but I didn't know to what extent.
The idea of being abandoned when they moved on was heartbreaking. It's not like I could go with them. It hurt to think that just as I'd found the closest thing I'd ever had to a family, they'd soon be ripped away from me. I'm sure I could still visit, but it wouldn't be the same. It was clear that I was just going to have to get used to being on my own. I'd never know the true joys of having a family, unless I started one of my own some day. I'm not sure I'd have anything left to give by then. Just thinking about losing the Cullens drained me. Once the water began to cool, I scrubbed my face and turned off the shower. I ran across the hall quickly in nothing other than my robe, and threw on some comfortable clothes.
Edward was sitting at the table, going over his homework for the day, and he looked up when I entered the kitchen. I grabbed a soda out of the fridge and when I turned around he was standing behind me leaning on the counter. He took the soda from me and set it on the counter, before grasping my arms and pulling me closer to him.
"Tell me what's wrong, Bella." He pleaded.
"I was just thinking about the future."
"What's so awful about the future that it had you sobbing?" His thumbs were rubbing soothing circles on my arms.
"Well, your family is eventually going to move on, and then I'm going to be alone again...and what if she doesn't come back until you're already gone." I bit my lip to keep it from quivering.
"I promise you, Bella, that I will not leave you unprotected as long as Victoria still walks this earth." He sighed, one hand lovingly caressing my cheek before intertwining his long fingers through my hair. He gazed at me adoringly. "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever." My breath hitched at the intense emotion in his voice. Edward truly cared for me, as I did for him. The revelation caused my pulse to quicken and a strange warmth to bloom through my entire being.
I let his words soak in. Declarations of love had never been a part of my life. I didn't know what to say or how to respond. I'd never had anyone profess their feelings for me in that way. Though I knew I loved him, I didn't know how to tell him. I couldn't remember the last time I'd said those words to anyone.
I ducked my head, and he withdrew. Not wanting him to be hurt by my lack of response, I frantically cast about for something to say to assure him of my feelings.
"You are everything I've been missing in my life. You make me whole." I blurted out.
He shoved his hand through his unruly hair, thinking for a moment. He began to nod. "Yes, that is it exactly. I was incomplete before you. Now I feel whole. Like a piece of me was missing and now it's found. You've brought me to life."
I looked up at him and we wore matching grins. He began to laugh and I couldn't help but join in. It was beautiful. This glorious god-like creature was always so stoic and restrained. To see his head thrown back in a moment of unguarded joy was the greatest gift. His musical laugh was now my favorite sound.
Once the laughter had died down, he grasped my hand and pulled me towards the table. "Let's get our homework done and then maybe I'll show you how to work that Wii that Emmett snuck in here."
Despite all our differences, and all the things that should have kept us from finding each other, we were truly two halves of a whole. We belonged together.