"Bella, please, just try them tonight?" Edward pleaded with me, a little brown pill bottle clenched in his fist.
"I've already told you, Carlisle, and Alice, no."
"You're barely able to sleep at night, and Mr. Jefferson caught you napping in class today!"
"I will be fine." I ground out through gritted teeth.
He glared at me and ran those long fingers through his hair before storming off into the bathroom. I heard him growl before the unmistakable sound of the sleeping pills scattering on the tile.
Not a half an hour later he found me on the couch, his mood subdued. "I'm sorry." He whispered, before pulling me into his side.
"It's ok." I forgave him.
"I'm just trying to look out for you. We all are worried."
"I know, Edward, and I appreciate it. I do not want to take any pills, even if Carlisle says they are safe. Why don't you just get Jasper to try his voodoo on me if you're so worried?"
"He's tried. It doesn't work."
"Oh. Were you going to tell me about this?" I asked, a little upset that he'd tried to manipulate me without my permission.
Edward shrugged and held me closer, trying to head off any outburst that may be coming. "Since it didn't work, I didn't see the point in bringing it up. I would have told you if it did work, so you could decide for yourself if you wanted the help."
"Ok...just...ask first next time." I gave him my most disapproving look and he looked properly chagrined.
"Bella, why don't you want to at least try them?" He asked hesitantly.
I growled, tired of the topic already. His body shook with a chuckle. "I just don't, Edward. I should be able to deal with these things on my own and I don't like the idea of relying on drugs to make me sleep. I don't want to get addicted or have any of the other side effects. I've never tried a cigarette, or drugs, or alcohol, and I don't want to start now. Other than some Tylenol, the strongest thing I've ever had is when I broke my arm when I was twelve."
"Alright, Bella. I won't ask again. If you change your mind..."
"Yeah, yeah." I waved him off dismissively. "I know where to find you." I couldn't hide my smirk and neither could he. Edward could be quite exasperating at times, but it was difficult to stay upset with him for long. Most often it turned into playful banter and all hostility between us dissolved.
I finished reading the chapters I needed to for my Government class. Mr. Jefferson was going to give me a test tomorrow on some of the sections I'd missed, so I wanted to be ready.
Once I laid my book on the table, I turned to Edward, eager to have this discussion we'd been dancing around since yesterday. He knew it was coming and settled himself against the opposite arm of the couch, one eyebrow cocked, ready for my questions.
I just wasn't sure where to start. I wanted to know what all of this meant for us, but I was hesitant to bring us up in any context, afraid it was nothing more than a fragile pipe dream that would dissipate like smoke as soon as the words were spoken aloud. Everything I had touched in my life seemed to go sour. What right did I have to hope that there was even a future for us. He was a beautiful immortal, capable of having any woman he desired, human or vampire. I was a rather plain human girl of average intelligence with no special powers or gifts. What interest could I possibly hold for someone who had walked the earth for nearly a century and seen all that those years had encompassed? Ordinary and extraordinary did not often mix well. But I needed to know. I couldn't continue on without knowing the limits of his affection for me. He was the first boy I'd ever been interested in and he seemed to entirely consume me. I assumed that meant it couldn't be healthy, but could it possibly be love? Love at first sight even? From the first time I saw him, there was an inexplicable connection there, and the current that ran between us was undeniable.
"Bella." He urged gently, sensing my inner turmoil. Edward knew me without having to read my mind. "Tell me what you're thinking."
With a deep breath and a sigh, I decided the words would have to be said. "What is this between us?"
His eyebrows shot up nearly to his hairline at my directness, but he quickly recovered, furrowing his brow and turning the question on me. "What do you want it to be?" He asked carefully, causing me to huff at the circles we sometimes danced around each other.
"I know there are never guarantees in life, but I just need to know what direction we're headed here." I looked down to where my hands were twisting the edge of my shirt. I needed to know, but was scared of the answer. "Am I merely a distraction? Will you move on as soon as your time here is up and never look back?" I whispered as my heart lodged in my throat.
His icy touch on my heated cheeks made me look up to see his perfect face only inches from me. "Silly, Bella." He breathed. "On the contrary, there is nothing, nothing, that could ever distract me from you. I'm not going anywhere. As long as it makes you happy, I'll be here. There has never been anyone for me before you, and there never will be again." His eyes were full of conviction as he spoke and I started to believe he might actually mean it.
"What about..." I gestured between us.
He cocked his head to the side, trying to discern my meaning. "What?"
"I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships, but it just seems logical...a man and woman have to be equal..."
Edward sat back, uncertain realization dawning on him. "You mean...will I..." He gestured at himself and swallowed thickly. Neither one of us seemed to be able to speak the words. His hair waved about as he shook his head vehemently. "I can't do it, Bella. I won't do that to you."
I suddenly felt ice cold as I fit the pieces of his answer together. "Oh." The rejection washed over me and I tried to rub some feeling back into my fingers. He didn't want me enough for forever. I was indeed quite silly to even think that could be a possibility.
"You don't know what you're asking." He continued.
I nodded numbly. "Then there's really no future for us, is there?" My voice broke as I tried not to break down in tears.
He stood up, hands shoving through his wild locks roughly. "Of course there is! I will stay with you – isn't that enough?"
"And when I'm thirty?"
He dropped back onto the couch. "I'll still be there."
I snorted. "I highly doubt that, Edward. You'll forever be seventeen and I grow older every day. Eventually I'll be too old for you." I pictured me with graying hair and wrinkles while the perfect, unchanging Adonis that was Edward stood by my side, helping me cross the street.
"What about what you, Bella? Your life is just beginning. I can't take your future away from you."
"What would I be missing, Edward? Life is fleeting, transient. I have nothing, but your family. I'll be sick, injured...I could die in a car accident next year..."
"That's what's supposed to happen. You are supposed to grow old and experience life...have children...grandchildren." He argued. "I shouldn't exist."
"But you do." I insisted. "Do you wish that Carlisle hadn't saved you?"
"No, I don't wish that." He paused, before continuing. "But my life was over. I wasn't giving anything up."
"You are my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose."
"I feel the same way." He confessed.
"Then why would you not want to guarantee that I would always be by your side?"
His face twisted in pain. "Bella..." He groaned.
"Please. Would you want me for forever if you could have me?"
"What I want is irrelevant. I won't end your life. I won't damn your soul." He seemed angry now, warring with himself.
"I know you believe you have no soul, but you truly don't see yourself clearly, Edward. I look at you, and then I look at someone like my father or my mother, and it's impossible to believe that you don't have a soul. There is too much good in you."
He clenched his fists against his thighs.
"I don't believe you are damned, Edward. You are here for a reason. God would never damn someone for a choice they didn't make." I argued.
His eyes flew open and the molten amber danced with unnamed emotion. He was quiet for a while and I allowed myself to hope that I'd somehow manage to convince him to believe. "I chose to murder those men."
"For a noble cause."
Edward shook his head. "Thou shalt not kill." He pointed out.
"The Bible was written by man."
He cracked a smile. "Are you seriously trying to persuade me to believe that my immortal soul still has a chance to enter Heaven, and you don't even believe in God yourself?"
I shrugged. "No, I don't believe the Bible is the word of God, but I can still believe there is something...more...out there. The same morals and ideals have been present throughout history. The Old Testament only dates back to the twelfth century B.C. It can't possibly be the only one to get it right. What about Hammurabi's Code? It's easily five, six centuries older than the Old Testament. Three centuries before that you have the Code of Ur-Nammu. Every civilization had some form of moral code. The Bible is just another form."
"Murder has always been murder."
"There's murder, and then there is justice. You did not kill just to murder. You stopped other murderers and rapists from continuing with their crimes. It's no different than a judge, jury, or executioner. Are they all damned as well?"
"But I had no right." He argued, still staring at me. I believed he wanted me to convince him. Had no one ever argued these points with him? Surely in the decades he'd spent with Carlisle they'd discussed these topics repeatedly.
"What right do any of the others have? At least you had the ability to know without a doubt how guilty your criminals were. Judges and juries have no insight into their thoughts and can be easily deceived or bribed. Did you ever think for one moment, that perhaps you were given your gift for a reason? That your immortal life and abilities may have a purpose? Imagine if you were a judge and perfectly capable of passing a sentence without a single doubt of the defendant's innocence or guilt."
His eyes grew wider as he mulled over my argument. "I have no right to judge others though."
"Someone has to. Would you rather it be a greedy man who was paid off to let a rapist go free? Or should we have no judges at all? Judges are often elected by man, and man is quite fallible, easily persuaded. So we allow men to pass judgment on other men, based on an unoriginal code of morals written, once again, by man."
I could see the maelstrom of emotion as he allowed himself to consider that he might not be the monster he'd always believed himself to be. I could almost hear him asking himself if it was possible that he did still possess a soul and have a purpose.
Then he laughed. I wasn't sure if it was because he thought I was absurd, or because he was finally climbing out of that dark hole of self-loathing he'd been hiding in.
"You are impossible to argue with, Isabella. I've never met anyone like you. How can you be real?" He looked at me with incredulously. "You never say what I expect you to. I would give anything to be able to hear your thoughts as your mind is simply fascinating to me."
I wasn't sure if I should be flattered or insulted.
As if he sensed the direction of my thoughts, he spoke again. "I've been around a long time. I've learned from and debated with all sorts of educated or enlightened men and women. Never have I met someone like you. Your arguments are so rational. Everything you say makes perfect sense, yet is hard to reconcile with my beliefs."
"And I understand that, Edward, I do. I don't want you to stop believing. Just because I may have lost my faith in my father's God, does not mean you should. I suppose I can understand that you consider turning me into one of you as murder. You would be risking your soul to take something for selfish reasons. I can't ask you to abandon your beliefs."
He nodded, seemingly relieved that I understood his position.
"What about Carlisle?" I hedged.
Edward's shoulders slumped in defeat. "You won't give up, will you?" He huffed. "What about your soul, Bella? I can't ask you to give that up for me."
"No, you can't. It's mine, and it's mine to do with as I please. Just as I respect your beliefs, I would hope you could respect mine. I don't believe that simply changing my physical anatomy damns my eternal soul. If Carlisle is willing to make me a part of your family, then your conscience should be free and clear."
"You would do that? Give up your humanity for me?" He looked so vulnerable that I couldn't help but close the distance between us. Placing my hands on his chest, I was acutely aware of the absent heartbeat. He took in a deep breath as he closed his eyes, perhaps as afraid to hear my answers as I had been to hear his.
"Look at me, Edward." I murmured. My heart stuttered when he opened his eyes again. "I love you." I watched as his golden eyes widened, then flickered over my features, searching to find the truth of my words. The words that had fallen from my lips much easier than I had anticipated. I hadn't planned to tell him, but then again, I hadn't planned to fall in love with him either.
He pressed his forehead against mine. "I love you." His voice was rough with emotion and his words filled me with a feeling I had missing for most of my life. To be loved is divine. Tears pricked at my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. The words he had spoken were the most beautiful words to ever fall upon my ears. To think that this beautiful man could love someone like me.
"Does that mean you'll agree?" I asked hopefully, earning me a groan and a smirk.
"Give me some time, Bella." He pleaded. He didn't say no.
I nodded enthusiastically. "Just not too long, Edward. I don't want to be thirty." He let out a short bark of a laugh before his eyes zeroed in on my lips and his expression grew serious. We were so close, our breath ghosting over each others' flesh.
I moved slowly, not wanting to push our unspoken boundaries, but I needed to touch him. Throwing one leg over his, I straddled his lap, wanting to be as close as possible. He stiffened at first, but when I caressed his cheek as he had mine several times already, he closed his eyes and relaxed. I traced the smooth expanse of his forehead and the faint purple shadows under his eyes. His skin was soft as silk, but as firm as marble. The current was there, magnified by our contact and my body hummed in response to him. Feelings this intense just weren't normal. This wasn't a simple high school crush. Carefully, I moved to trace his flawless lips, and they parted under my touch. I could feel his cool breath on my fingertips and I wanted to lean in and capture his lips with my own. I wanted to know how they would feel against my own. I needed him to kiss me.
My attention had been focused so closely on his lips that I didn't realize he had opened his eyes and was watching me. His gaze startled me as it was full of hunger, the black filling his irises, leaving only a narrow ring of amber around the edge. I wasn't afraid of this kind of hunger. The way he was looking at me made the muscles in the pit of my stomach tighten in anticipation. My pulse raced, and I knew he could hear it.
"Edward?" I whispered.
He moved one hand to tentatively brush the hair away from my face, his other grasping my hip. "You have no idea how incredible that feels."
"Tell me."
"I don't think I can. I've told you about the hunger, the thirst, that sometimes consumes me. But this...this kind of hunger is completely foreign to me." His fingers touched my lips, causing me to shiver. "Are you cold?" He pulled back slightly, but I shook my head, anxious for him to touch me again. My breath was coming in short pants as I waited for him to do something, even if it was only to push me away.
"I want to try something." He murmured as he leaned in closer. Edward hesitated, either to prolong the moment or to test himself, to make sure this was safe.
Then his cold, marble lips pressed ever so gently against mine. The fire that ignited within me was instantaneous, and my hands fisted in his hair, clutching him to me. I gasped at the sensation as his lips brushed against mine for the second time and my lips parted. That was when I felt him turn to stone beneath me and his hands pressed firmly against my hips, willing me to stop. I pulled back slowly, unsure of the proper protocol for when you push your vampire boyfriend too far.
His expression was guarded and his nostrils flared with each harsh breath. "I'm sorry." I whispered and started to move away, but his hands remained on my hips, stilling my movements.
"Just wait a moment, please." He asked, his voice perfectly controlled though his jaw was clenched in restraint. When the anxiety in his expression faded, he allowed himself a small grin. "There." He said.
Now that he was relaxed, I settled back down onto his lap, and I felt it at the same time he groaned. There was an unmistakeable bulge in his pants, and I understood that his current situation had nothing to do with my blood tempting him. The thought made me giddy and a giggle escaped.
He looked away from me then, as if he were ashamed of his reaction. I panicked at the rejection, desperate for him to not pull away.
"Hey...It's nice to know I...that I can...elicit this kind of response." I hedged, trying to remain as still as possible.
Edward blew out a sharp breath. "You have no idea.
"That was my first kiss." I felt the heat bloom in my cheeks. "I'm glad it was you."
The grin that spread across his face was breathtaking. "Me too." He murmured. "What?" He asked when he saw my incredulous expression. "When I told you that there has never been anyone before you, I meant it."
My entire body was flooded with warmth at his admission. It was hard to believe I had been Edward Cullen's first kiss and it had been amazing. I couldn't wait to try it again. His icy fingers dipped under my chin and tilted my face back up. When he saw my smile, he returned it. He began to trace the curve of my cheek, letting his fingertips rest over the apples of my cheeks where my blush usually concentrated. This caused them just to redden further and he followed the bloom as it traveled down my neck and disappeared under the neckline of my shirt. His eyes lingered hungrily there and I watched him swallow thickly. I shifted slightly, and he jerked his head up, giving me a sheepish smile. If he had been human, I imagine his cheeks would have been tinged pink as well.
"Kiss me again?" I asked brazenly, simultaneously wondering where this side of me was coming from.
He gave me a lopsided grin before warning me to stay still. His hands slid up to my sides, moving slowly and gently up and down. His long fingers wrapped around my torso, making me feel small and delicate in his grasp. Tilting his head slightly to the side, he leaned in again and I had to will myself not to attack him. I wanted to devour him – to kiss and lick every last inch of him. These feelings he was awakening in me were new and all consuming.
Once again his lips were pressed against mine and they moved gently, hesitantly, exploring this new connection between us. I kept my hands fisted at my sides and it was torture. They twitched, desperate to find purchase in his silky hair. My lips formed to his unyielding ones and the sensation was indescribable. I snaked my tongue out to taste him and his arms immediately tightened around me as he growled. In an instant, I found myself laying back on the couch as he hovered over me, his hands tangling in my hair as his lips remained fused to my own. Sensing my need for air, he began kissing down my jaw hungrily, his tongue tasting my skin. When he made it to my neck, his mouth lingered over my pulse point in a final kiss before he groaned and buried his face in the juncture between my shoulder and neck. We were both gasping for breath, our chests heaving and pressing against each other with each inhale. My hands were on his shoulders now, and I gently began to rub his back, hoping to offer him some kind of comfort or reassurance. I could feel him relax under my ministrations and eventually we both calmed down.
He pulled back, looking deeply into my eyes. He felt it too, the all consuming need to devour each other, and it was not related to my blood, though there would always be some small part of him that thirsted for it. Edward held my face between his palms, his thumbs stroking my cheeks adoringly.
"I'm sorry." His words shocked me.
"For what?" I asked.
"For attacking you like that. It wasn't very gentlemanly. I'll try to control myself better in the future."
"Don't. It was amazing, Edward. Please, don't apologize. Any time you want to attack me like that..." I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face, but he didn't return it.
His expression turned serious. "I can't lose control with you, Bella. Not even for a second. You don't understand how fragile you are to me. If I squeeze too tightly, or if you get too close to my teeth..." He stopped suddenly, but I had already caught his slip. His expression confirmed that he had said more than he wanted to already, and of course I wasn't going to let him get away with it.
"What about your teeth, Edward?"
He sat up, resuming his place at the end of the couch. I straightened out my shirt as I sat up as well.
"You asked before about our fangs?" I nodded. "Well we don't need them. Our teeth are razor sharp and could slice through your flesh effortlessly. I believe the phrase is, like a hot knife through butter." He chuckled humorlessly.
"And..." There was more he wasn't telling me. His reaction was too much for something that simple.
"We don't have blood running through our systems. We have venom. Our teeth are coated in venom. It paralyzes our prey and makes it easier for us to feed."
"So, it would be dangerous for me to get too close to your teeth, because one little nick and I'd be paralyzed? Would it kill me or is there something you can do to counteract the venom?" I was beginning to understand how much Edward had to deal with just to be around me. It must be terribly difficult for him to have to exhibit such restraint.
Edward's mouth pressed into a firm line and I knew we were at the heart of the matter. He didn't want to tell me what would happen, and that gave me all the answers I needed.
"That's how the change happens, isn't it?" I asked quietly. "One bite, and your venom would spread through my body, turning me into one of you."
He nodded curtly.
"Ok." I sensed his need for me to change the subject. This evening had proven to be quite intense and I was sure we could both use a break from such serious subjects. As if on cue, my stomach rumbled with hunger and I realized I hadn't eaten anything since my salad at lunch.
"Hungry?" He asked with a smirk, and I hummed in response before making my way to the kitchen.
We kept the conversation light as I made a quick dinner while Edward watched. Then he cleaned up the dishes as I ate, ignoring my protests. He impressed me with his vampire speed and had everything done in a couple minutes.
When it was time for bed I wondered if I could coax another kiss from him. I sat on the edge of the bed, gnawing on my bottom lip, desperately needing to feel that connection again, but not wanting to push him too far. He entered the bedroom then after making his rounds and changing into some flannel pajama pants and a shirt that Alice had given him, citing it was uncomfortable to be in bed with jeans on.
"What's wrong?" He asked as he took in my nervousness.
"Can I have a goodnight kiss?" I asked, blushing furiously.
My favorite crooked grin appeared and he sauntered over to where I was sitting. He took my hands in his and gently pulled me to stand up. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he pulled me closer. When his lips touched mine, everything felt right in the world. I was deliriously happy, though a nagging voice in the back of my head reminded me nothing this good could last. It was Victoria's appearance in my dreams later that night that only solidified the reality we were facing. We may have discussed important issues for us tonight, but neither of us conceded. We were at an impasse. Only time would tell us how to resolve our differences. I wouldn't be giving up though. For once I had a grasp on happiness and I wasn't about to let it go.