***********

Chapter One

One month ago

Commander Karen Shepard stood before the damaged communications link-up, the remainder of her team assembled around the table staring at her expectantly. She looked at each in turn, mentally judging their opinion of her latest decision in their eyes. Normally, she never would've handed such a treasure over to the Illusive Man, but, unbeknownst to her team, it was the means to a very definite end. She had no desire to enable Cerberus' insanity, at least not for much longer. Getting the Illusive Man off her back had only been the final step: she'd already finished off the first two with the deaths of Jacob Taylor and Miranda Lawson. She regretted the necessity of killing Jacob; he'd always been forthright with her. However, he'd still been part of Cerberus and Shepard couldn't afford to have any Cerberus personnel on her ship.

Any.

The empty CIC, engineering deck, crew quarters, and mess were testaments to her decisions. Only Chakwas had returned from the Collector abduction and she was still recovering from the shock of watching her fellow crew members turn into primordial sludge. Along with Jacob, she'd regretted leaving the innocent crew to die on the base. Means to an end, she repeated to herself when guilt struck. It hardened an already hardened heart, giving her the resolve necessary to continue with her plan.

Only one pair of eyes regarded her with respect and understanding. Zaeed Massani, the mercenary founder of the Blue Suns turned bounty hunter, hovered in the corner behind her with his thick arms crossed over his armored chest. He leveled each opposing glare with a one-eyed stare of such intensity it caused the recipient to look hastily away. He knew Shepard's plan, understood the decisions she'd been forced to make for the ultimate benefit of all. He'd helped her cement the details during long nights in the starboard cargo hold he called his domain. It was up to her to reveal them to the rest of the team and as such, Zaeed remained quiet, watching from his corner.

Shepard drew a deep breath, then lifted her gaze. "I know many of you don't approve of my decision to give Cerberus the Collector data and you have every right to be angry with me. However, it was very necessary in order to accomplish the big picture."

"And what picture is that, Shepard?" Jack demanded, stepping forward as though challenging the commander. "To let those Cerberus fucks screw us over again? To let them screw other people? No, Shepard -- I don't think any of us can see this 'picture'. You gonna enlighten us?"

"Of course I am, Jack," Shepard replied coolly. "Had I refused the data to the Illusive Man, he would've made it his business to get in my way. In this way, we lead him to believe we're still on his side. He'll be busy with that data for months, maybe even years. That gives us ample time to do what we must."

"What is that, Shepard?" Tali asked next as others nodded in agreement. Shepard took a moment before replying.

"I have every intention of fighting and defeating the Reapers. Without the interference from the Council, the Alliance, and now Cerberus, we can create our own army to combat Harbinger. Tali, if your people do not go to war with the Geth they can assist us in this, can't they? And Legion!" Shepard addressed the AI standing beside Tali. "What of your people? You wish to fight the Old Machines, don't you?"

"Affirmative, Shepard-Commander," Legion assured her. "However, we do not understand your implications in this matter."

"You will when I finish explaining," Shepard said, beginning to pace slowly before the table as she spoke. "Everyone here has a powerful race behind them. Samara, you have the other justicars or the commandos. Grunt, you have the Urdnot clan and I already know I have the backing of Wrex in this matter. Garrus, you could easily rally more turians to your cause just as you did on Omega." She paused for emphasis, then rested her hands on the table purposefully. "Humans have the Blue Suns."

Immediately, a disjointed chorus of voices sounded from all assembled. "They're slavers!" Jack cried.

"They kill millions!" Tali followed.

"Shepard, this is insane -- you can't possibly imagine they would work with us!" Garrus protested loudly, striding forward and slamming a fist on the cracked glass surface of the table. The hologram of the Normandy flickered from the force, emphasizing the turian renegade's anger. "You saw what they were trying to do to me on Omega!"

"I would advise greatly against this course of action, Commander," Samara said. "You cannot trust mercenaries. I ought to know that fact for certain."

"I agree with Samara, Shepard," Thane added. "Surely the Alliance isn't a completely lost cause. Could you not implore the assistance of your former captain?"

"Haven't we killed too many of them already? I doubt there's that many left," Grunt remarked thoughtfully, turning narrowed eyes on Shepard.

"Uh, if I might chime in here for a minute?" Joker's voice carried over the others' protests from his perch on a chunk of debris opposite Zaeed. Everyone turned to him, waiting. "I don't care what we do so long as I can do two things: fly and kill more of those Reaper sons-of-bitches. Shepard hasn't led us astray so far: what makes you think she'd do so now?"

"Whatever her reasons, siding with a renowned mercenary band that deals with slavers and expecting them to fight for us is plain ignorance!" Garrus insisted hotly. "Shepard, did they lobotomize you when they brought you back? Are you sure there's no control chip in there somewhere?"

"I'm not being manipulated, Garrus," Shepard assured him calmly. "And I understand everyone's concerns on this. I was dubious when the idea was first presented to me."

"Presented to you? Who suggested it?" Garrus demanded.

"I did, if you must know," Zaeed replied. "Rather, I merely remarked one evening that I would like my damned group back now that that bastard Vido was dead. Shepard ran with it."

"But you knew about it?" Tali asked, her three-fingered hands twisting anxiously. "For how long?"

"Ever since the first Collector ship," Shepard told her softly. "It became clear to me then that we'll be needing some serious backup to put both the Reapers and Cerberus down."

"Is that...is that why Jacob, Kelly, and the engineers aren't here anymore?" Tali asked next, her voice very quiet inside her helmet. "Did you...no, I can't believe that." She shook her head swiftly. "It was an accident. We had to deal with my trial --- oh, Keelah!" Her hands flew to her visor. "I delayed the mission and killed the crew!"

"No, no, Tali!" Shepard went over to her quickly and took her by the shoulders in a gentle grip. "None of it is your fault. I take full responsibility for everything that happened both before and after the Collector base. Everything," she added firmly, now half-embracing the trembling quarian. An uneasy silence settled over the room, ending when Garrus sighed heavily.

"I suppose I can't argue too much over your decisions, Shepard," he conceded wearily. "After all, I'm guilty of doing anything to achieve my goals, even if it means ending a few lives along the way." His avian eyes pinned her with a knowing look, forcing the woman to avert her gaze.

"So," Joker interceded a bit too loudly, clapping his hands together briskly. "How are we gonna get a band of mercs on our side? Or have we decided to just sit here and watch while the Reapers steamroll the galaxy?"

"You leave the details to me and Shepard," Zaeed replied, leaving the corner and striding passed the crew to the door. He cocked his head at Shepard, indicating she should accompany him at her earliest convenience. She nodded briefly in acknowledgement, then looked back at the team.

"Joker, plot a course for Omega. The Normandy is still too banged up to fly long distances," she instructed. "Aria owes me a few favors; fixing the ship should clear all debts nicely."

"You got it, Commander," Joker gave her a small salute then hobbled out of the comm room back to the bridge.

"The rest of you, return to your stations. I expect reports within the hour on how we're doing on resources, power, and supplies. Dismissed."

Tali lingered in the half-circle of Shepard's arm while everyone else left in silence. She sniffled softly behind her visor. "It's too quiet in engineering without Ken and Gabby," she whispered sadly. "Everywhere is so empty..."

"I know," Shepard murmured. "This isn't easy for me, either." She stroked Tali's shoulder gingerly. Keeping secrets from her trusted crew members was even harder. Only Zaeed knew Shepard had been the one to pull the trigger, ending Miranda's life a split-second before the base had begun to emit the EMP field. The violent shaking of the platforms that hurled them to the entrance had placed Miranda's body almost too conveniently beside Shepard's and Zaeed's. Apparently the universe continued to work in mysterious ways.

Eliminating the Cerberus presence on the Normandy had been paramount, even if it meant tricking Jacob into taking a mission far beyond his skills. Having Thane lead the fire team hadn't been easy, either. It was fortunate his exceptional skills had enabled the team to survive. Shepard had no doubts in her mind about the possible guilt the Drell was dealing with over the other man's death. Telling him would be a grievous error: without the security of his battle sleep, the emotions could spill over and taint his focus on the battle yet to come. The same held with the rest of the crew. Ignorance had to be bliss in this case.

It didn't make Shepard feel any better, however.

Tali parted from Shepard, hands making vain attempts to wipe the tears from her concealed eyes. "I'm sorry, Shepard," she apologized weakly. "I have to excuse myself. I don't much like the idea of having dried tears on my cheeks tonight." She turned from her commander and disappeared through the door. Shepard stood alone for a few moments before leaving as well, her stride taking her to the elevator and deep into the ship's lower levels.

*********

Zaeed hovered at the table holding Jessie, his gloved hands resting on the rifle's rusted body lightly. Shepard was gnawing on her thumb on the cot, thoughts racing. "Do you think Garrus knows?" she asked quietly, anxiously. Zaeed shrugged.

"He's not an idiot, that's for sure," he replied. "Still, like he said up there, he has no right to judge your actions. I don't care how he pretties up the truth: he still killed far more mercs in one week than you have in a single month. Justice takes on many forms, Shepard. Killing those Cerberus bastards was yours."

"I didn't like sending Jacob into a trap," Shepard insisted stubbornly. Zaeed glanced at her over his shoulder with his good eye. "Or tricking Thane for that matter."

Zaeed regarded her in silence, then turned to face her. "Keep that conscience around, Shepard. It's going to be your best friend someday."

"All it's doing is making me feel guiltier," Shepard muttered, drawing her knees up and hugging them. "Killing Miranda had been easy, almost enjoyable. Denying Cerberus involvement on Pragia even after we'd brought back all of that proof? Then calling Jack a mistake? I couldn't stand by that kind of abuse. No, her I had no problems putting a bullet in." She glanced up at Zaeed, a ghost of a smile on her lips. "Neither did you, it seems. You were practically grinning when we shot her."

"Bitch deserved it," Zaeed insisted. "Working for that madman, bitching out that poor bastard up there in the cockpit for being unable to do anything without EDI's help, and then assuming she could take charge in the end?" He snorted and shook his head. "Not a chance I was letting that bitch get out of there alive."

"Sometimes I feel like you're the only one on my side here," Shepard remarked bitterly. Zaeed snorted again. "What?"

"Sometimes I forget how young you are, Shepard," he replied quietly, crossing his arms loosely. "All of those medals don't mean shit when you have to make the really tough decisions. I can't even imagine what dying does to a person inside. I've only been shot in the face." He gestured at the expanse of scar tissue curling around his right eye and down his cheek. "Hurt like a sonuvabitch, mind."

"Getting spaced wasn't fun, either. I could feel my veins shrinking." Shepard shuddered, the hold on her knees tightening. "My lungs collapsed just before I lost consciousness. I never want to feel that again."

"At least we don't have to worry about Collectors for now," Zaeed reminded her. "I imagine your Illusive Man will be keeping them rather busy with that new toy of his. I kinda hope he finds a use for it; it's always a good thing when you can turn an enemy's weapons against them."

"Never turn down a weapon even though it's dirty, eh?" Shepard echoed his former sentiment on the Collector base during the brief conversation with the Illusive Man. Zaeed gave a small shrug of acknowledgement.

"That's right. If you want to stay alive, you'll do everything you can to keep your skin on. Trust me."

"Strangely enough, Massani, I do," Shepard told him quietly, her gaze lifting to meet his across the small space between them. "Enough to believe you could actually reclaim the Suns."

"They're mine," Zaeed declared with an aggressive passion, thumping his chest armor with a fist. "With Vido gone, I'm the only one left to take over. That's my purpose now that my contract with Cerberus is up. As a return favor for getting my ass out of there alive, I promise you the Suns will stand behind you when the Reapers come."

Shepard offered him a weak, tired smile. "I believe you, Zaeed. And thank you."

"Keep your chin up, Shepard. This is only the beginning. Still got a lot to do before we can celebrate our victory."

"Indeed. Speaking of which," Shepard unfurled her legs and stood. "What's our next step?"

"Once we reach Omega, I'll go in and see who's left of the Suns Garrus didn't kill. Start small. If I can get even a small squad behind me, it'll be enough to start with. For your part, you should erase any and all Cerberus identifiers from the Normandy. You also might want to have Tali tweak EDI's programming a bit; damned hard to kill an AI when it's part of the ship and still considered Cerberus software."

"Agreed. I don't know how much EDI will allow us to change, but if she agrees to work with us, I'll trust her. If I don't have to sabotage anything, or anyone, else, I won't."

"No arguments here, Shepard," Zaeed assured her. "I'm not overly fond of AI, myself, but necessary evil and all that." He shrugged carelessly. He stared at her, good eye darting across her features thoughtfully. "Are you sure you're all right leaving the ship and coming with me?"

Shepard glanced sidelong at him briefly, then nodded. "It's worth it. You're...worth it." She fell silent immediately, her cheeks reddening slightly. "I know what it's like to have the one thing you felt would always be there taken away. The Alliance was my extended family for years. Hell, my mother is probably still in the service. I have no idea if she knows I'm alive or not. I kind of want her to remain ignorant. The idea of her only daughter working with Cerberus would probably give her a heart attack." She turned to lean back against the table. "Bad enough I got the reception I did from Kaidan on Horizon."

"Never did trust the Alliance, myself," Zaeed said. "His reaction was exactly what I'd expected. Doesn't make him any less of an idiot, though. Turning down a perfectly good woman with an equally good head on her shoulders is just idiotic. Though," he added with some thoughtfulness, his lips curving into a pleased smile, "gave this old sonuvabitch a chance, didn't it?"

Shepard didn't bother trying to suppress the blush that warmed her face. The memory of the bounty hunter's shadow passing over her desk just before the Omega 4 Relay rose to the surface of her consciousness. She'd been absently gazing at the picture of Kaidan she kept beside her medals when he'd walked in. No words had been spoken; none had been necessary. The tension between them had been building since the Collector ship when he'd tackled her out of the line of fire from one of Harbinger's blasts. Being pinned under the muscular older man had disarmed her briefly, her focus returning to the battle at hand only at the sound of Grunt's enthusiastic cries. Since that moment, they'd come to look at each other in a very different light.

Shepard still wasn't sure what had spurned the former mercenary to seek her out in those two hours. She'd accepted his presence as though it had been expected, falling into his arms when he'd pulled her against him. She dimly recalled Kaidan's picture tumbling to the floor when Zaeed had lifted her onto the desk. Now the holo failed to work properly, sometimes flickering whenever the barest of motions passed before it. Not that Shepard felt the compulsion to gaze at it in longing, not when another man's arms were around her at night.

There hadn't been a chance since those two hours to spend any real time together. He'd been with her right through to the end, bolstering her resolve when she had to do what was necessary. The strength she'd sought in Kaidan's arms had been readily available in Zaeed's, a strength he was all too willing to lend her during difficult times. The shoulder she'd all but begged Kaidan for was now more supportive than she could've hoped for and from such an unlikely source.

It was natural for her to accept the decision to help him reclaim the Blue Suns the moment he'd mentioned it. Even when she hadn't been aware of it, his opinion had begun to carry a great weight, often influencing her own choices when she felt herself in doubt. It wasn't often that happened. Or at least, it hadn't been.

Shepard staggered slightly, one hand coming up to her forehead. She felt Zaeed's hand on her arm, supporting her firmly. She'd gone through Miranda's personal files on Project Lazarus and had discovered she'd suffered more neural damage than originally believed. As a result, Shepard experienced L2-biotic level migraines and slight memory lapses. Her confidence had been shaken after Jacob had told her the Alliance had abandoned any hope to recover her body for a proper burial, then had been further damaged on Horizon when the last shred of her former self had been eradicated by Kaidan's harsh words.

Unable to find reasons to care much for personal safety while on a suicide mission, Shepard grew reckless. It had become a habit to throw herself in the line of fire, suffering heavy shield and armor damage in the process. Chakwas had gotten used to having the commander in her medlab post-Horizon. Broken bones, torn ligaments, mild concussions -- all of them a result of her impetuous actions. It was better than going completely numb. She envied Thane his battle sleep sometimes. To shut down spiritually and emotionally and just let her body do all of the work sounded a bit like a little internal vacation.

It was a strange feeling, being seperated from everything she'd come to believe in. Not an Alliance soldier, a human Spectre, not even a Cerberus associate. Opening her eyes, Shepard found herself staring at the Blue Suns tattoo on Zaeed's neck, feeling a pang of sympathetic envy for him. He'd been removed from everything he'd known and believed in. How did it not ruin him? Rage might've been a powerful anesthetic before, but that need had been fulfilled on Zorya. What drove him now if not the desire to return to his self-made "family"?

"How're you holding up, Shepard?" Zaeed asked, his gruff voice breaking into her thoughts. Shepard shook her head slightly, fingertips still rubbing her forehead. "Perhaps you should sleep. It'll be awhile before we reach Omega; more than enough time to rest."

"I'll live," Shepard muttered absently. "Just...overwhelmed, I suppose. Too much guilt too soon. I thought I'd handled this kind of stress after Elysium. Guess dying changes more than I thought."

"You're not a machine, Shepard," Zaeed reminded her. "The second you let yourself become one, you lose a lot more than just your humanity. Don't let that happen to you."

"I'll work on it," Shepard gave him a tired smile. "Maybe I will sleep." She started to turn away from him when he caught her upper arm again. He guided her back towards him, surprising her with a strong embrace.

"Stubborn bitch," he murmured in her ear, a smile in his voice. "You're worse than I am sometimes."

Shepard smiled, relaxing against him. It had been an incredibly long day. She wasn't even sure of the time, not that it mattered. Had he allowed it, she could've fallen asleep right there. Unfortunately, obtrustive body armor kind of made the human pillow theory obsolete. She drew away from him with a more relaxed smile on her face, her fingers coming up to trace the outline of his scars. "Be up later?"

"Of course."

"Good. I don't need the nightmares tonight." Shepard gave him another small smile, ducking her head when he chucked her under the chin lightly, and left the cargo hold.