Authors note: Here's chappie 14. Me and Kat's fanfic! W00t!

This story contains YAOI!! If you don't like YAOI then don't read!!

Kk just wanted to get that outta the way.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Naruto or any of the other Naruto charries. But Shan and the fan club DOES belong to us.

Chapter 14!!

The ground rumbled, the sky quaked, babies were crying in distant lands and Naruto clutched onto Gaara in sheer horror as fifty fan girls latched onto his arms and dragged him roughly to the floor. The blond let out a terrified cry at all the kisses being planted on his cheeks, forehead and general face. His thoughts went cloudy as he jumped to his feet and attempted to throw the life-sucking beasties off of him.

But no one expected what happened next.

Seemingly better from the blow to the crotch, Sasuke burst through the door; the sleet of wood was sent flying and knocked Shan into the wall where she rawer-ed in anger about her 'Gaara Is My Hentai Love' tee shirt being muddied, then launching at the raven-haired Uchiha.

"Naruto, I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR HEAD—Ahhhhhh!" he shrieked; waving his perfectly emo manicured fingers in the air and scratching at Shan. Naruto whimpered as Sasuke was thrown to the ground like a rag doll and then stomped on repeatedly. Afterwards Shan brushed herself off, sniffed, and stood up straighter; pointing to the sky in Elvis mimicry.

"Disperse!" she commanded and the floor shook more than it had been; dark thunder clouds rolled over the once happy blue skies as Shan whipped out a scroll and unrolled it to reveal a picture of Gaara staring off into space; eating onigiri.

"KYAHH! For the sake of yours and mine, our love! My darlings; show me your dedication to…to…GAARA-SAAMMMAAAAA!" She cried; 'Hyoo'ing and giggling.
The girls determined to prove themselves; joined hands in a figure-eight formation around Naruto and Gaara. They began moving, generally growing faster and faster until their shrieks and giggles were loud murmurs around the two. Slowly, but surely they melted together into pink blobs with only bright, red and big lips showing on each clay/pudding looking figure. Gaara recognized this jutsu. He had experienced this before, but last time he barley made it out in one piece. Those stupid fan girls made this jutsu just for him. Gaara looked at Naruto worriedly, he didn't want Naruto getting mixed up in this.

Naruto shuddered in pure terror, winding his way in circles while attempting to keep an eye on every single fan girl.

With Gaara, the Kage had been completely stripped of his shirt and was now red eyed and completely pissed off.

"You…bastards!" he roared, slamming his fist into the ground and knocking several blobs into the air with small tidal waves of sand.

The girls, however, didn't seem to mind at all as they cheered at the 'new uncontrolled face of Gaara-Ai.' Taking several Polaroid's and giggling even more loudly. The girls he sent off were followed by nose bleeding streams and Gaara quickly sent more and more off. The Kage didn't give a damn that he was hurting half-girl half-inanimate-object things. He was enraged, he'd lost his chance!

Naruto had been completely vulnerable; it was the chance Gaara had seemingly been waiting for his entire stay here! And despite the fact that that wasn't true in any way, shape or form he really, honestly, truly despised Shan for destroying his chance. His chance, that is, to get into Naruto's pants.

At that moment he felt a wave of power he could only recognize as Chidori as Naruto jumped above the crowd of girls; tears streaming down his face while he jumped out of the wall and bolted down the street. The girls giggled maniacally and glued together to form a giant pink, goopy hand that stretched down the street and wrapped around Naruto, only allowing the boy to wriggle his head and feet around.

"Lemme go! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOWWWW!" he screamed; biting into the hand. Immediately his face turned green; nausea written over his features.

"BLEGGHH RED BEAN PASTE!" He groaned the hand's fingers spread out and rolled him back into the house; leaving deep finger nail gashes in the earth.

By this time innocent bystanders were watching wide-eyed, in horror as their soon-to-be new Kage was flipped into the room, and a violet-haired girl surrounded by a massively evil aura was raised into the air; breaking through the roof by a revolving pink platform she pointed a single finger to the dark sky and 'Ku-Ku-Ku'-ed constantly. Lightning struck behind her; electrocuting Sasuke further into road-kill while Shan's eyes turned into gluttonous slits and she grew in size one hundred fold.

The odd thing was that despite the dark crackling aura in her shadow; it only zoomed in like a spot light around Gaara.

"Gaaaarraaaa-Saaammmaaaa!" she roared in a voice that was remotely close to that of a chubaka.

"If you wish to ever, and I mean ever as in forever like a vampire who drank from the immortal springs and wears 10,000,000 SPF sun block…ever, want to see Naruto-Dumbbutt EVER again then I have one single request from you…my beloved."

The kage crawled back, wide terror in his eyes as his arm bent the wrong way and he was sprawled on his back on the floor. Shan shrunk back to normal size and grinned at him; her voice now different in the way which she would woe any Nin into her doings.

"Gaara-Sama," she cooed sweetly. Though in this entire situation Gaara found no 'Woo'. In fact it was entirely 'Boo' 'Blegh' or even possibly 'Hoshit this is so le gaayyy.'

"Do it for Naruto or…bad things will happen to him. Fan girls need some way to let out their affections; don't they?"

The Kage could hear Naruto gulp even through the boy's cage and he sighed; down casting his eyes and giving a swift nod as Shan clapped gleefully and twittered away like a ballerina.

"Take the hostage to HQ Mole Hole and leave him there until further commands, understood." She more-so stated than asked before turning on her heel and waving the cage to move. Gaara jerked up in surprise and rushed along with the pace of the girls, not wanting to be touched by any part of the cooing goop around him.

On the way out, the Kage caught glimpse of Naruto being dragged in the opposite direction and he gritted his teeth; all ready worrying about the blonde.

Shan crossed the bed-made threshold and stomped on Sasuke's head on the way out; the cage and Gaara followed suit before heading down the street.

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"Where the hell am I?! You TUB OF LARD let me OUT!" Naruto demanded, bashing his fist against the soil floor and sending a cloud of dirt into the air. The blonde coughed hysterically and jumped to his feet; launching at the metal bars in front of him and collided his shoulder into the ruggedly dirty surface. A wave of pain smoothed over him and he dropped to the ground all the while clutching his shoulder while the metal vibrated in front of him.

The fan girl guard smirked; even the small movement sending one of her many chins jiggling while she stroked a very full mustache that Naruto was, though not admittedly, extremely jealous of. You see, Naruto had attempted so many times to grow mustaches, beards, even STUBBLE would be nice. All he wanted was a chance to prove his manliness to everyone, because you had to admit he was kind of feminine; and this…this she-man had demolished his hopes of ever getting over his hormone defect.

Naruto scrambled back; his throat slick with nervousness as the guard got up, her muscular build that was otherwise twice the size of Chouji pressing foot prints into the rock-hard ground. She grinned in a toad-like way and stretched grubby fingers through the bars; those being the only things that could possibly fit.

"Peerttyy boy, c'mere little foxy dude…I wuvv perty babies like you. DOKU-CHAN WANTS YOU! Doku-Chan wants foxies BODY!" she rumbled; her fat echoing her own voice. Naruto let out a squeak of terror and scuttled to the far corner of the cell where he was enveloped in darkness. The boy had always been terrified of the dark but this…this thing was much more horrifying than anything he'd ever witnessed.

"AY Doku! Leaf boy loon! Gawd, oi scare Shan's goona kart yerr arse onna dese doi." A girl stepped around the corner that caused Naruto's eyes to widen. Despite her in descript language that was probably an American who didn't know any Japanese, she was just like the feminine form of Gaara; long and choppy red hair fell to her hips, with aquamarine eyes and penciled in eyebrows, she wore a shocking amount of eyeliner. Her lips were smooth and she had a drawn-on red heart on her cheek.

If it weren't for the fact that she was protecting Doku-The-Devastator (as Naruto had just dubbed her), as well as the fact that she was almost a Gaara poser, looked weak, and wore almost shining clothing that defined her as someone who was spoiled than Naruto may have instantly fallen in love with her.

The girl snorted suddenly and shook a finger at Naruto.

"PFFFT! YOU'RE TH' BOY EVER'BOD'S TALKIN' ABOOT!??! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" She continued laughing and Naruto squinted his eyes at her; was she making fun of him. She snorted again and slowly got up off of the floor, shoving Doku away from the cell entry way so she could glare menacingly at Naruto. The blonde had to squint to see her, because her shiny clothes were almost blinding him when she got closer.

"Yah kne…Imma th' mascoote fer dis 'ere Feen cloob aynd Oi donna chi nuffin gud boucha. Yer jus' eh durr-head beef terd." Naruto continued staring at her as she muttered out in her accent quickly. Forget having an accent; she was completely incoherent.
[A/N. As A translation the red-head said 'You know, I'm the mascot for this here Fan Club and I don't see anything good about you, you're just a dumb headed bastard.'

Sniffing, the blonde shrugged away from the two of them and turned his back on them; ignoring the two's shouts as his thoughts wandered easily back to a certain Kage. Naruto, though terrified, had managed to catch some of Shan's weird conversation with him. He remembered something about a nude model shoot and shuddered; Gaara surrounded by fans…naked? He'd be completely and totally, obviously: raped.

Naruto sighed in defeat; he didn't want Gaara to have to do this. Especially not for something stupid like protecting Naruto. The blonde may be a popular uke for most stories but for Kami's sake! He could do some defending! Did anyone see the anime or read the manga?

No?

All right then, then Naruto's completely defenseless.

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Gaara was in hell. He stood waist-deep in a tropical pool, half wondering where in the hell they got this set up from but then; not wanting to know he concentrated on attempting to not commit suicide.

"G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-Gaahhhhhhhhh-r-r-r-r-ra-ra-ra-ra-S-S-S-S-a-a-a-mmm-ahhh…" Shan managed. She was the only one of the fan girls still conscious; every other one had fainted from blood loss. Oh yes, Gaara had planned how he could—rather easily—escape but in a sick way he was sort of enjoying this now that Shan was blinded with sheer embarrassment, all the others couldn't see him and…

Oh no fucking way. Sorry, but, he was in agony. Not even as writers can we portray Gaara as a porn star. Well, we can. But we'd prefer to with Naruto. Kay? Good.

"Uhmm put your right hand on your hip and run the other one through your hair." Was understood through the violet-haired girl's stutters. Gaara winced in unmistakable mental agony and did what he was told. Shan drooled and clicked a button, the Kage noticed the water temperature go up significantly and opened his lips; panting from the change until he noticed the water level go down and reveal his lower half.

Shan took about a hundred photos, and this was the ninth location Gaara had been on. She fainted around the last shot and immediately the Kage broke into a sprint out of the water; stopping and grabbing his clothes out of the death-grip of some fan girl who smelled his tee shirt. Awkward.

He threw them on loosely and continued running while buttoning and zippering his pants on the way past Naruto's house. Sasuke chose that moment to sit up and grab his head in pain; though at the sight of Gaara he immediately jumped out of the hole in the wall and began to follow him.

In the background a girlish scream echoed through the sky that caused Gaara to groan all the while avoiding Sasuke's lustful arms. Apparently one of the fan girls had awoken and alerted the others. Blindly running; Gaara attempted to follow Naruto's chakra stream, even though it proved difficult with the distraction of for some reason now, several thousand girls and one boy trailing and stomping down the buildings behind him.

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"Nu, Doku! Nu grapin te Bloond beef terd!" [['No, Doku! No raping the blond bastard.' The red head said while slapping Doku on the head with a newspaper.

"But Doku likes fox boy. He's cute!" The larger girl cooed, or what could've been a coo; it's hard to tell with her deep voice.

"Iee. Sed. Nu!" [['I. Said. No!' The redhead growled.

"But, Kigen."

"NU 'BOOTS'!" [['NO 'BUTS'!' The redhead answered loudly.

"Doku doesn't like Kigen no more. Kigen is a mean old witch." Doku said and stuck her tongue out at Kigen. The redhead just stared at the larger girl and then turned to glare daggers at Naruto, who was curled in the corner of his cell trying to think of a way out.

Then all of a sudden the blond shot up straight and Kigen could've sworn she saw a little bulb light up right on top of his head. Her eyes narrowed dangerously as the golden-haired gorgeously blue-eyed kitsune came closer to the bars of the cell. He shuffled his right foot on the dirty ground nervously and had his hands clasped together, then he looked up with watery eyes and a perfectly formed pout on his face. Doku was swooning and giggling madly with heart shaped eyes, and Kigen accidentally let a blush creep onto her face. Naruto started sniffling cutely and he let his cheeks get a little pink as a finishing touch.

"OhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGosh!" Doku said and she couldn't handle anymore, she had to have the kitsune NOW. She didn't even bother unlocking the door and just burst through the metal bars. Naruto's pout vanished in less then a second and was replaced with a triumphant smirk. Naruto easily dodged the large manly women and sped through the broken cage door.

"The power of the Ukes!! Gwahahahahahaha!!" Naruto laughed and he sped past a shocked Kigen to open the nearest door. He slammed it open only to find that it was a closet. Naruto wept on the inside and almost wanted to cry but he held it in. He wanted to save the dignity he had left, even though it wasn't much.

He turned around only to be face to face with Kigen and Doku. Kigen grabbed the boy by the front of his shirt and shoved him against the wall.

"NO KIGEN BOY IS MINE!" Doku demanded, shoving Kigen off and going for Naruto. Naruto easily dodged the slow creature though by bending down, Kigen then lunged for Naruto and Naruto kick-swept Doku—who had face planted into the wall—'s feet, dodging out of the way just as Doku collapsed onto a screaming Kigen.

Dust filled the air and Naruto panted heavily, when all around him cleared he could see Doku struggling to get up; flailing her arms and legs helplessly while Kigen remained motionless beneath her. Naruto bit his lip, feeling slightly guilty and sorry for the both of them until he remembered he could be a bitch sometimes and shrugged; running down the hall.

It seemed as though the second he entered a new place through a set of large oak doors into another dusty hall way, a red siren went off; turning everything to a blinking crimson. The boy held his head, squinting through the sound the see fan girls in neon pink ANBU outfits headed towards him with AK47s. Shaking off the red and annoyances around him Naruto once again that day gathered all of his chakra into his fingertips and began running forward at top speed. Each of the Pink ANBU hesitated, lowering their weapons and glancing at one another nervously as the blonde charged towards them, then, as Naruto was mere inches away they went to raise their guns. Too late!

Naruto jumped into the air, flipping and landing behind the wall of fan girls before launching off again whilst letting the rasengan fade. He hopped to control his speed and rounded the first corner he came to, stopping dead as he was face to face with a goopy, dripping, pink clay moose.

After a moment, giggles erupted from Naruto's throat, followed by riotous laughter as he clutched his stomach with one arm and with the other hand pointed swiftly at the deformed moose.

"BWAHAHAHA what's that gonna do you BAKAS!?" he snorted and was about to roll on the floor laughing when the moose let out a long exhale and dragged it's front hoof on the ground. Slowly, Naruto straightened his posture and raised an eyebrow when suddenly the moose charged. Naruto screamed. And no, not a manly yelp of surprise but a full-out shriek that was remotely close to that of the fan girls. Slapping his hands to his cheeks the blonde spun around to run away; only to be hoisted into the air by the moose's antlers and charged right through a wall.

Naruto stopped screaming as his mouth was filled with dirt but was, after a few seconds, plowed right through the earth and into the air. Choking and spitting out the dry soil Naruto 'Blegh'ed, and hovered in the air before falling. Tears streamed from his eyes; expecting pain only to be met with…well, pain.

Just not as bad as it was supposed to be.

"What the hell…" came a soft plea from beneath him. Rolling away the blonde locked eyes with a bruised-up Sasuke; the once raven hair had been electrocuted white and fell shaggily around his face; his skin was covered in…charcoal, and foot prints stamped over him; his eyes were watery though blood shot and his clothing was tattered. Also the expression he now wore was not only thoroughly angry but really, honestly ugly. It made it so Naruto wondered why he ever liked him.

"Na…ruto…" the Uchiha rapsed. "Save G..Gaara, he's being chased by rabid…" he trailed off again and Naruto let out a frustrated huff to see he'd fainted. Rabid what, dogs? Caribou? Speaking of caribou where was that moose? Naruto sniffed and stood, making a 360 turn only to see Sasuke again, except now the moose was sniffing the boy; claiming he had scents of Gaara-Kage-Sama on him it began eating his hair.

Naruto stared at the scene for a moment, then deciding hair was enough to pay for his electricity bill as the boy turned on his heel and ran down the street following an obvious stampede.

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"Gaara-Sama? What in the blazes is going on?!" Tsunade demanded as the panting Kage slammed the doors shut to the Hokage's office. He slowly turned, wide-eyed, toward the blind woman who he had assumed would be at home asleep by now, however she was not asleep; in fact what he saw before him was more scarring than the thousands of girls that had just literally eaten his pants. No, before him sat four people; Anko, Tsunade, Kakashi and Jiraya. Anko sat away from the others, blushing furiously as she tried to cover her nakedness, Jiraya was in his boxers; Kakashi had on but one sock and Tsunade was fully clothed.

Strip poker was being held in front of him.

Gaara's eyes widened at the sight of Tsunade being fully clothed. This meant that she was winning. Gaara gulped hard; It's was a fact that whenever Tsunade won in a gambling game then something very bad would happen. Everyone in Konoha and even Suna knew of this rumor.

"Er…" Gaara trailed, knowing obviously they would irritate him further if he explained to them what was happening. Then, the Kage glancing at his bare legs and tattered boxers, looked back towards the adults with hesitance. Oh, he knew what he had to do to get out of this;

He just didn't want to.

"I came to join you." He said after a long silence. Tsunade raised an eyebrow while Jiraya and Kakashi burst out laughing. However Gaara's façade easily faded as there was an extremely loud 'Thump!!' on the door.

The red head jumped out of the way just as his last hope; the barricade, was broken. There through shredded rice paper and wood; along with the residue of fading chakra, stood several thousand girls, all of them panting and many of them holding a tree that had obviously just been carelessly ripped out of the ground however savagely.

All of the girls had gleaming eyes except for one very brave and ostentatious blonde who stepped forward; her 'Gaara is my Hentai Love' shirt covered in mud and grime. She cleared her throat unsteadily and caught her breath; suddenly grinning.

"Mistress Hokage, give us the boy or we take the naked prostitute." At the end of her sentence she pointed to Anko. Immediately, Tsunade jumped to her feet with a massive glare. Everyone knew Anko and Tsunade were lesbian lovers, and insulting Anko was by far the most of a moment this blonde would ever have.

Suddenly, the fan girl disappeared in a cloud of smoke; Gaara didn't know how, or where she'd disappeared to but the thought was entirely too terrifying to review.

He took in a deep breath and was about to run for his life when the sound of a megaphone could be heard outside.

"Gaara-I-Love-You-Sama! I have recovered fully from blood-loss and would like you and Naruto-Kun to return to the Uzumaki household. I assure you no one will bother you on your way back. However, GIRLS BACK TO HQ NOW! I can't believe you BAKAS messed me up again, BATTLE STATIONS AND BE PREPARED TO PLAN AND BATTLE!" Shan's voice screamed.

Gaara exasperatedly rubbed his eyes and opened the window; allowing all the ashen-faced fan girls to filter out before he ran as fast as he could back to the house; keeping a sand guard up just in case.

At the door to the house he caught sight of a panting Naruto and immediately grabbed the boy into a tight embrace. Naruto let out a whimper and grabbed the back of Gaara's shirt, clutching the fabric tightly and breathing Gaara in. They wordlessly stepped inside and immediately Gaara put up a sand block around the house. Kami only knew what would happen to the villagers of Konoha but for now they needed to safe guard the house as Gaara's chakra wouldn't last forever.

"Naruto…I know your scared, trust me when I say I'm terrified as well but I need you to go into the kitchen and take down the cabinets, break them and block the windows. I'll take on the sofa and fix up the doors; anything we can find we need to use to hold up the hole in the bedroom wall. Then, we'll lock all the doors and go to the basement. If Sasuke was living there—and we all know he's obese so he'll definitely have food and entertainment—we'll stay there until things have seemed to calm down. I know this is scary Naruto, as I all ready said. But trust me and we'll get past Shan-Chan and the fan girls, all right?" Naruto gulped while the Kage stood, actually caring to see what the boy wanted. But Naruto was too happy to see Gaara to even speak. He just nodded and hugged the Kage again before heading quickly into the kitchen.

Gaara sighed, a hysterical laugh bubbling though staying in his throat while he began ripping apart the sofa. All of this was too much.