Thanks for the reviews, guys, they just made my day, especially since work was extrenely boring today. ^^

Should you find any more mistakes, please point them out to me. I'm not a native speaker and this story isn't exactly betaed, so I wouldn't be surprised if you found some.

"Jeez, Bones, it feels like I haven't seen you in ages!" Jim planted himself on the examination table in front of his best friend.

"Jim. You're interrupting my work."

"You're working way too much anyways," Jim complained. "Where's the fun in that? You need to get out from time to time, you know? Try a change of air and atmosphere before you suffocate beneath all that pressure you're putting on yourself."

"Thanks, but no thanks. I'm fine, Jim."

Jim stared at him as if trying to determine whether he'd already gone mad or not. "You're kidding, right? You look exhausted. Tired. Overworked. Unhappy. Just to look at you instantly makes me feel bad."

"Don't do it, then."

"Bones. Stop it. You're in desperate need of a friend's help."

Leonard snorted. "Yeah, right. I'm getting more help than I can handle already, Jim."

"Huh?"

Leonard waved a vague hand. "Well, look at them… there's Anya and Chris and Nyota and Christine Chapel, and even Dr. Benedetti! Everybody seems to be trying to help me."

"Anya's the psychologist, right? So she's just doing her job properly. And Nyota is worried about you. She likes you, for heaven's sake! Lots of people do, actually… wait – did you just call Captain Pike Chris?"

Leonard shrugged, feeling vaguely uncomfortably. "Anya does it all the time. Must be rubbing off on me, I guess," he muttered.

A grin spread across Jim's face. "Na-ah. There was something in the way you said it. So you're starting to get along with him?"

"You could call it that, I suppose." Considering that I've not only been living with him for the last two months, but also shared a bed with him more than a couple of times… in all innocence, of course. I am literally sleeping with him.

"Good." Jim nodded in satisfaction. "Because he likes you, you know."

"You mentioned that before."

"No, Bones, I don't mean he likes you the way he likes me or Spock or Nyota, or what's that other protégé of his called…? Sulu? Well, the Asian guy, you know… anyway he likes you that way, too, of course, but with you, it's just a tiny bit more."

"I noticed that he isn't forcing any of you to keep him company," Leonard replied dryly.

Jim rolled his eyes. "Come on, Bones, he's trying to help you. And besides, he's got a serious crush on you. A real bad one. I'm not quite sure if he's figured it out himself yet, but it's quite obvious."

"You're crazy. Deluded. Get a grip on reality, kid. Chris Pike isn't even into guys."

"That's true. He isn't into guys. He's into you. You personally."

"Shut up, Jim. He most certainly is not!" Leonard shook his head angrily. Why did his friend have to say such things? It upset him to even think about the possibility… no, there definitely wasn't any possibility. Chris was merely being compassionate. Nothing less, but certainly nothing more.

"He's a friend." He said simply.

"Yeah, right. And I'm Santa Clause."

"You're awfully quiet this evening", Chris said, looking at Leonard across the dinner table. His long fingers were idly playing with the pair of chopsticks, pushing around the food on his plate.

Sushi.

Leonard hated raw fish. Unfortunately though, Chris loved it, and he loved preparing it all by himself, lavishing so much care on the artfully made rolls that Leonard just didn't have the heart to tell him.

Careful. You're developing a soft spot there...

He shrugged. "It's not like I'm usually all chatty and talkative, is it?"

"No, but usually you're not staring at your plate during dinner as if you were trying to read the answer to life, the universe and everything out of it", Chris remarked dryly.

Leonard, who was still avoiding his gaze, felt annoyance rising within himself. "Damn it, Chris, I'm a doctor, not a diplomat! I'm just not fond of small talk."

"Ah. Well, that's a shame, considering that I was going to ask you to accompany me to a diplomatic function..."

Leonard's brows shot up. "What for...?"

"It's the Vulcan Embassy's annual spring reception. It used to be a horribly stiff and boring affair, but the current Ambassador's wife happens to be human and she really brightens things up."

"The Vulcan Ambassador is married to a human?"

"Strangely enough. You're even acquainted with their son."

"Ambassador Sarek is Spock's father?"

Chris nodded. "Don't mention it, though. Spock is not comfortable talking about his family. It seems that Vulcan society is just as xenophobic in its treatment of outsiders as its human counterpart. Anyway, the Ambassador's wife, Spock's mother, is a lovely person, and she's invited just about half of Starfleet. They're having a garden party."

"I'm surprised the Vulcan Embassy even has a garden", Leonard muttered.

Chris grinned. "It's going to be packed with people tomorrow night."

"And you're asking me to come along, because...?"

"You'd look splendid in a dress uniform...?"

Leonard snorted. "Now, seriously, Chris..."

"I was being serious," Chris protested, still grinning. "It is customary to bring along someone – family members, partners and so on... or, in Admiral Archer's case, your pet Beagle..."

"Jeez, thanks Chris, I just love being compared to Archer's pets..."

"There are worse things – and people – to be compared to."

"True, anyway, why are you so intent on bringing me? Just because I admittedly hate small talk and don't want to meet people? Did Anya put you up to it? Is this some sort of therapy?"

"How suspicious you are", Chris shook his head, looking almost sad. "No, I guess it was for the simple pleasure of having you there. Of spending some time with you."

"Yeah, since you're not seeing enough of me already..." Leonard snorted. "Really, Chris. Anyone ever told you, you aren't supposed to show favoritism? You're an instructor, you shouldn't favor some of your cadets above all others."

Chris frowned. "I treat all of my cadets fairly."

"Fairly, yes. But equally? You've got to admit that you have your little circle of protégés. Take Jim, for instance. Or Spock, though he's not a cadet anymore. Or that other kid... Sulu? And the blonde who's so exceptional in astrophysics – Tyra Darren?"

"Or you?" Chris asked, shooting him one of those intense looks.

"Or me."

"You're no protégé of mine, Leonard."

"Oh?"

"You're..." Chris shook his head, as if unable to express himself properly. "Well, far more, I guess..." And after a long pause in which Leonard was pointedly staring at the floor, he cleared his throat, asking: "Are you coming now?"

Leonard nodded slowly. "I'll be there."

"Leonard?" Nyota asked, staring at him. "Of all the people I didn't expect to meet tonight…!" She flashed him a bright, warmhearted smile.

"Wow, you look… well, stunning, I guess."

Leonard laughed, feeling slightly embarrassed. "Well, you know; I was going to say the very same thing to you. That is a lovely dress. And the color really suits you."

She blushed, giggling. "You think so?"

"Absolutely." It was a deep shade of purple, tailor cut to accentuate her beautiful body in just the right way. Not only she was gorgeous, but she also had taste.

Smart, sexy, charming, attentive, brave… what more could a man ask in a woman? And yet you're not the least bit interested in her. Fool.

"Who are you here with?" Nyota asked.

"Captain Pike."

"Oh, that's right, you're still living with him…" She cast him a sideways glance. "I guess you're already sick and tired of the question, but are you two really…?"

"No." Leonard cut in rather sharply. "We're not."

Oh, how he loathed that question by now! How he hated denying what everyone took to be an almost undisputable fact…!

"Wrong topic?" Nyota asked softly.

He just nodded.

"Alright, then… I guess I'll be off trying to find Spock… he just wanted to get me a drink, but now he's disappeared…"

She smiled at him once more, looking rather distracted, then she left.

Chris caught up with him only seconds later, handing him an artfully molded glass filled with an alarmingly green liquid. "It's some kind of juice", he said when catching Leonard's skeptical look.

"It doesn't appear drinkable to me", Leonard complained.

"Trust me, it is. I wouldn't give you something I hadn't tried before, would I?"

"Bones! Captain Pike!" Jim pushed his way through the crowd, grinning broadly. He stopped just in front of them, running his gaze up and down his friend's rather stiff form.

"Whew. You're wearing a dress uniform."

"Blame him for that", Leonard muttered, pointing a finger at Chris, who acknowledged it with a rather self-satisfied expression.

"What's with the green stuff? It looks nasty. You're on a diet or something? They have good red wine, you know."

Leonard sighed mournfully. "Once again: Blame him. It sure wasn't my idea."

Jim shook his head at Chris in astonishment. "Good God, what have you done to that man? He's wearing a dress uniform, drinking fruit juice and actually listening to people's advice? Is that some kind of brainwashing technique you developed? Bones, you're getting soft in your old age. You have me real worried."

"Shut up, Jim", Chris admonished, but he did not sound very annoyed.

Both Leonard and Jim turned to stare at him incredulously.

"You did not just say that, did you?" Jim asked, apparently drawn between laughter and shock.

"Your point being?" Chris asked, eyebrows raised and trying to hide a smile.

"Whoa. So it goes both ways!"

"Huh?" Leonard frowned.

"Never mind, Bones. I'll leave the two of you to… enjoy your evening…"

With that he left, chuckling softly but audibly to himself.

"That was weird", Leonard said, his frown deepening. "What on earth…!"

"I think he was a little shocked at me telling him to shut up."

"Well it's nothing you'd usually do, but…" Then he remembered the conversation he'd had with Jim a while earlier. If his best friend thought Chris had a crush on Leonard, he was probably jumping to the wrong conclusions regarding their relationship.

Like just about everybody else.

Damn it.

The thought of the total injustice of his situation – everybody picturing him in a romantic or at least sexual relationship with Chris that he did not and was never going to have – was enough to get him down. In fact, it was downright depressing.

This is so unfair.

Suddenly, he didn't want to be at this party anymore. He didn't want to be surrounded by people who believed him to be happy (or at least reasonably content). He wanted to be in a dark, silent place hiding himself and guarding his broken soul against any more injuries.

Chris didn't appear to notice. "There's Captain Elena Montero over there. We were at the Academy together. Mind if I join her for a minute or two?"

"No, of course not."

Just leave me here. I don't mind. Who am I to care about you…?

Chris left and Leonard moodily moved to a less crowded corner of the garden. Blooming rhododendron bushes surrounded a small pond with a fountain. The evening air carried the sweet smell of honeysuckle, but Leonard wasn't in the mood to feel romantic about nature. He sat down on a bench that was nearly hidden between the flowering bushes, laying back his head and gazing at the darkening sky.

Just then, he heard a rather familiar controlled voice, speaking in low, reasonable tones.

Spock.

Of all the people Leonard really didn't need to meet right now…!

But then he realized that Spock was actually several meters away on the other side of the bushes and not speaking to him at all.

There was a woman's voice, soft but clearly audible, mingling with the Vulcan's.

"Really, Spock, you could have told me that you were going to bring your girlfriend. I would have made sure that she was greeted in the proper way and I would have prepared your father for it. But bringing her like this…! Your father has been asked about you and her by a number of people and he hasn't been able to answer them, because he doesn't know anything!"

"Mother. Nyota Uhura is hardly my girlfriend. I am fortunate enough to call her my friend and I have been tutoring her and monitoring her academic progress for a while, but I can assure you that our relationship is of a purely platonic nature."

"I don't know who you think you're fooling with this, Spock. Not me, certainly." The woman was laughing heartily now. "Anyway, now that I do know, I'm going to invite her over one of these days. I want to see for myself what she's like. To be sure, she's pretty enough and if you're tutoring her she's probably a rather clever girl too, but I'd like to know if she's aware of the implications of being with a Vulcan…"

"Mother!" Spock objected, sounding as if he were in physical pain. Leonard couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Parents could be a real pain in the ass, sometimes…

He idly wondered what his own mother would have to say had she known about his growing affection for Chris. Probably something along the lines of Are you out of your mind, Leonard?

And she would be right, wouldn't she?

1. He's not available.

2. He's not into men.

3. He's too old.

4. If he had any sexual interest in me whatsoever, I ought to have noticed it by now, sleeping by his side and all that.

5. Even if all the above were meaningless, I'd still be anything but a desirable partner. Hell, I know that Chris pities me. How on earth could I ask him to love me?

"What do you think you're doing there, hiding behind those bushes?" Anya's all too well-known voice roused him from his fit of self-pity. She was dressed in a spectacular deep blue silk gown, her hair done up artfully and decorated with a butterfly gem made of silver and sparkling sapphires. All in all, she looked nothing like her usual professional psychologist self.

"Really, Leonard, Chris has been searching for you for about an hour now, growing more and more aggravated. I don't know what he's thinking, but probably that you've managed to get into another fight or thrown yourself off a cliff or something."

"Nonsense", Leonard huffed.

"Is it? Well, you ought to take that up with Chris; he's the one worrying himself sick about you, not me."

"I'm a grown man, Anya. I don't need you and Chris to hover over me and look after me as if I were a naughty toddler."

"I disagree. Although Chris is probably overdoing it a little. But that's just him." She came to sit down next to him. "He's a strange man, Leonard", she added thoughtfully. "Very courageous, self-assured, hard-working… but then again, he can be so careful, so tender."

"Compassionate", Leonard summed up the list of Chris' virtues.

"In a way, yes. Maybe a little too compassionate. There've been a couple of times when he got his heart broken because of that. I warned him, but he wouldn't listen."

"You've known him for a very long time, haven't you?" Leonard asked, fascinated at the turn of the conversation.

"For many years, yes", she agreed.

"Did he ever… I mean, has he ever been with anyone?"

"As in "had a relationship with them"? If so, he hasn't told me about it. I've always suspected there was something going on between him and the first officer on the first ship he commanded, but to this day, Chris has neither denied nor confirmed it. She got married two years ago and after that, Chris would refuse to even talk about her."

"Oh."

Figures that he'd have a lost love somewhere. He's probably still hurt by her marrying somebody else and not interested in any kind of romantic relationship whatsoever.

"You know, I like to call Chris a guardian angel", Anya said softly. "He's always taking care of others and rarely thinks about himself. I've told him he needs to change that, but he just laughs whenever I bring it up. In a way, he can be very unreasonable."

"You love him, though, don't you?"

"He's one of those special friends I told you about. We seem to be sharing that now… or am I mistaken in assuming that his friendship means a lot to you, too?"

Leonard shook his head.

"Speaking of friends – your friend Jim Kirk has been paying me a few very flattering compliments tonight. He's quite charming. He seemed very disappointed when I told him that I don't date men half my age, though." She laughed.

"Jim actually hit on you? Jeez, he's impossible!" Leonard frowned.

"As I said, I was quite flattered. He's a cute kid."

"Jim? Nah. Jim isn't cute. He's a lot of things, but he's definitely not cute."

Anya shrugged. "If I was a girl of seventeen, I'd instantly fall for him."

"Be glad you aren't", Leonard muttered.

"What about you, Leonard? Seen anyone you'd like to dance with?"

"I don't dance."

"It's just a figure of speech. You know what I mean."

"No."

"I think, you're lying", Anya announced brightly, before getting up. "I'll tell Chris that you're safe and in good health. He probably won't stop worrying, but maybe he'll stop searching."

"Just tell him I left to go home. I'm… tired."

Anya nodded.

Silence greeted him as he stepped into the dark apartment. He didn't bother to turn on any lights; the darkness draped around shadowy outlines suited his mood perfectly.

Questions haunted him as he wandered restlessly from room to room.

Why?

Why indeed…? In a time, so long ago that it was almost forgotten now, life had been so incredibly easy. Young Leonard McCoy had left his family and the small, sleepy Georgian town behind to move on to Atlanta; to study and learn and excel, to find his calling, his destiny. He had been so proud. Young, happy, successful.

It had been so simple… everything so simple…

The way seemed to be cut out for him, and yet everything appeared to be possible.

And then there was this girl.

The girl.

Jocelyn, nicknamed Joyo. Curly blond hair, baby blue eyes and the face of an angel. Gorgeous. Had she been but a little taller, she might have been a world- famous model.

Everything so simple, so perfect.

His life, his girl, his family.

Then suddenly, everything ruined. Shattered to pieces.

And now?

Why me, why him?

Love, Leonard had to admit, had never been easy for him. Maybe his standards were a little too high, or maybe, just maybe it simply took him too long to fall in love with anyone, to even notice that he loved them. And when he loved, he did so with passion. More passion, in fact, than was good for him or the other party involved. It had a strong tendency towards obsession. Jealousy was a green-eyed demon he knew all too well.

He had been jealous of Jocelyn. Jealous of her beauty, of her easy grace.

She'd been his most treasured possession. His prize, his diamond that he had to defend against all possible rivals. It had worn both him and Jocelyn out.

And in the end, what was left of their love? Dusty butterflies fallen to the ground with broken wings, and a frail, beautiful eight-year old child.

And now there was Chris.

Chris…! In all his live, there'd never been a man Leonard had loved the way he loved him. In fact, there'd been very few he even liked or cared about (Jim among those). Yet loving Chris was in a hundred ways different from loving Joyo. It was not about the whole male-female thing, that didn't matter much, when you got down to the bottom of it all.

Chris had reached out for him, had drawn him in and encompassed him until Leonard's whole life had become utterly Chris-centered. There was much more to it than just living in Chris' apartment or wishing he would spend yet another night curled up around Leonard to keep the nightmares at bay. Leonard felt like he was wax in large, but gentle hands, ready to melt away and to be formed into all possible shapes and figures.

You want me to be someone else, Chris? I'll do it, and gladly…

He remembered the very first morning, Chris stepping with him into the shower, steadying him, helping him to wash away the filth and the blood and some of the shame of the previous night. Chris' hands all over his bruised body and almost, almost a caress…

And Anya, asking him who'd he like to dance with…! Well, wasn't it obvious? It seemed to be obvious, to everyone but her and Chris himself.

They all believe us to be… together. Lovers. A couple.

I just wish it were true…

Longing. A hand reaching out into the darkness, desperate for the warm touch of another body… where are you, where are you, my love…

He clutched at the soft white sheets, inhaling. The smell that lingered within them filled his lungs with white fire.

ChrisChrisChris, oh, why is this happening to me…? Why me?

"Leonard?"

Soft syllables in the darkness. Warmth spreading through his body, but he made no move to get up.

Let him find me here, what do I care…?

A weight settling down on the mattress next to him.

"Anya told me. What is the matter with you? It feels like I spent half the evening looking for you…"

"When I left you, it seemed that you were happily chatting to Ms Montero," Leonard replied stubbornly. Jealousy. Again.

"We had some catching up to do," Chris conceded. "Her eldest daughter is going to give birth to twins in about two months, making Elena a very proud grandmother."

Yeah, thanks for reminding me that you are like what – fifteen, twenty years older than me…? Definitely too old. And yet I love you desperately.

"I probably shouldn't have left you alone." A hand, brushing his shoulder.

An apology? An invitation?

"Why are you hiding here, Leonard?"

"I'm not."

What for? I can't hide from my demons…

The hand moving down between his shoulder blades, the touch suddenly turning intimate. Or would that be wishful thinking?

Leonard closed his eyes.

"Don't stop." Just another whisper in the dark.

Hesitation, a moment of silence, then Chris bent down pressing his lips to the point where his fingers had rested a moment ago, just below Leonard neck.

Leonard inhaled sharply and the next moment he felt Chris drawing away.

"Don't. Go on. Right there."

And to his greatest surprise, Chris complied. Until Leonard lay beneath him, naked, parts of his dress uniform piled around him, panting and staring up at him from eyes darkened with lust and something more, something deeper.

"I told you you'd look gorgeous in that uniform," Chris muttered, his voice husky.

"I'm just glad you made me wear it."