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July 29th
She's crying. Shit. This is my first time being alone with Carley, and now she's crying. "Esme!" I call. I'm sitting in the hospital room and I have no clue what to do. I call out again but no one can hear me over Carley's wails.
I looked down at her, and she looked back at me. "Shh, Carley, don't cry." I tried to sound soothing, but she wasn't fooled. She can sense my fear, and she's taking advantage of my weakness. "Carley," I spoke more firmly, "Carley Renee Esme Cullen, stop crying." She looked up at me, her eyes wide.
"Look Carley, I'm gonna be honest with you. I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm only fifteen. I know that I'm your mom, but I'm pretty clueless. So you're gonna have to bear with me, kay? And I don't just mean today. So I'm gonna apologize now for everything I'm going to do in the next eighteen years." I know that she can't understand a word I'm saying, but I kind of like talking to her, so I keep going.
"So anyways, I guess nows a good time to tell you about the family. So I'm Bella, your mom. I'm fifteen, almost sixteen, and I don't have good fashion sense, so again, sorry in advance. I used to really love to party, but I'm over that now. And your dad, well, we're not going to talk about your dad, but you are half him, so I suppose I should tell you about him. At first glance he was great, good looking, a football player, really sweet; but then he had too much to drink and he became a totally different person. I promised that you would grow up with the freedom to be innocent, so I'm not going to tell you more, but maybe one day you'll meet him. Not until you're older, but maybe one day.
"And then there's grandma and grandpa. Grandma Esme is amazing. She's so perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better mother. You'll love her. And Grandpa Carlisle is great too. He's a doctor, and if you ever get hurt I'm sure he'll take real good care of you." Carley grew quiet; I guess the sound of my voice soothed her.
"And then there's Aunty Alice, she's really great, but she's going through a rebellious stage. God, Carley, if you become like Alice I think I'll go crazy. She's a great shopper, and I'm sure she'll make sure that I don't dress you too badly. And then there's Aunt Rosalie. She's complicated. I don't know what to tell you about her, because I don't know exactly what's going on with her. She'll make sure you always look your best though. And then Uncle Jasper and Uncle Emmett, oh Carley, you'll love them. They'll teach you to play video games and sports and all of that good stuff. And then there's Edward. I don't want to say Uncle Edward cause I'm sure that one day he'll be your dad, so for now he'll just be Edward.
"So there we have it. Right now we live with Grandma and Grandpa, but one day we'll get our own place. I still need to finish school though. And Carley, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you don't end up like me."
I kept talking about random things. I didn't know what else to do with her other than talk to her. Eventually though she started crying again. I shushed her and rocked her but it didn't help.
"Carley," I begged, "I thought we had a deal..."
Luckily a nurse walked into the room and took her from me. "Some one is hungry. Are we ready to try breast feeding?"
"Try what?" I looked at her like she was crazy. I wasn't gonna breast feed. That's nasty.
"I know you were planning on bottle feeding, but we should at least try it once." She handed me back the baby and explained what to do.
Uh...ew? To my disappointment Carley took to it right away. God, this was so weird.
Esme walked into the room and my face got bright red. "Close the door. I don't want anyone else coming in."
Esme laughed, "It's okay Bella, this is totally normal. and besides everyone else is home."
"Oh. Well, thanks for staying."
"You're welcome. So how's it going so far."
"It's good." I looked down at Carley who was happily sucking away at my boob. Gross. "Carley and I had a great chat this morning."
"What?"
"Well, I didn't know what to do with her, so I just talked to her. I told her that I have no clue what I'm doing, and that I'll do my best, but in return she has to not get angry at me if I fuck up."
"Bella, language. Babies soak everything up. You can't use words like that around her."
Not swear? Yeah, that's likely. Swears have been part of my vocabulary since I could talk.
"When can I go home?" I asked the nurse.
"Well, Carley looks good, so I'd say tonight."
"Really?" That soon? I don't know if I'm ready to enter back into the real world.
The nurse took Carley and put her in the little box thing. "I'm going to take her for a nap, and I suggest you do the same. Tonight's gonna be a long night."
I looked up at Esme, panicked. "I'll help you." She promised.
"Thanks." I didn't know the first thing about caring for a baby alone. But with Esme here to help me, maybe, just maybe, it'll be okay.
"Well I'm gonna get some shut eye." I rolled over and closed my eyes. I hadn't had a proper sleep since before I had Carley, and my body was begging me to let it rest.
---
"Bella," Someone was shaking my shoulder. "Bella!" I moaned and rolled over and saw Esme standing there. "Bella, you slept for nearly six hours. It's time to get moving."
I moaned again and sat up. I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to sleep more. "Ten more minutes." I yawned, falling back.
Esme laughed, "No, Carley wants to go now, and you're on her schedule now."
I groaned and climbed out of the bed. I pulled on my jeans and a hoodie and pulled my hair up into a ponytail. Jesus, I need a shower.
"God, I look like shit." I muttered.
"Language." I could tell that this was going to get real old real quick.
"Alright." I said, grabbing my bag, "Where is she?"
Esme led me to the nursery where the nurse showed me how to change her daiper and explained how to warm her bottle and how to bathe her. I dressed her in the onesie that I had brought with me and then Esme helped me strap her into her into the blue and pink car seat I got at my shower.
"Ready?" Esme asked. I nodded. This was it.
"Ready Carley?" I asked. She whimpered, and I took that as a yes.
I strapped her into the backseat and then climbed in next to her. She slept the whole way home, and the second we walked into the house we were bombarded. Alice was the first to ask me to hold her.
"She's so cute Bella! Can I hold her?"
"Alice, calm down. Give Bella a chance to breath."
"Sure you can hold her, let me just help you." I moved everything into the living room and then unclipped Carley. I handed her gently to Alice and then I fell back onto the couch.
Carley was being passed around, so I decided that now was a great time to sneak in a five minute nap. I closed my eyes, and fell asleep to the sound to my family loving my daughter.
Rosalie POV
I was holding Carley close to me, and I felt this sense of...completeness. And jealousy. Yes, I admit it, I'm jealous. I mean, this baby is Bella's. Bella has a baby all to herself, and I can't help but envy that. I want to be a mother so bad. Not yet of course, I mean, I'm only fourteen, but holding Carley just reminded me of how much I really want to be a mother some day.
"She's so cute."
Alice leaned over my shoulder and smiled. Carley just stared at us. "Hi baby." I cooed. Bella told us not to coo at her cause she didn't want this baby to grow up to be a sappy sucker, but whatever. If I want to coo at my niece then I will. "You are so cute, yes you are." I made faces at her but she just stared.
"Talk to her like a real person Rose. None of that baby gooey shit."
"Bella!" Esme scolded from the other room.
"Bella, she's a baby. Talking to her like one won't kill her." I argued.
"Well I want her to be treated like the human she is, not like a fucking puppy."
"Bella!" Esme shouted. She stormed into the living room. "Enough. You are a mother now. No more of that sailors mouth. From now on, every time anyone in this house swears they have to put a dollar into the swear jar. And all of that money will go towards Carley. Sound fair?"
"No." Bella grumbled. Alice and I laughed. We went through the whole swear jar phase like seven years ago.
Bella lay down on the couch and pulled the blanket over her. "I'm taking a nap."
Just as she said that Carley started wailing. Bella threw the blanket off and took Carley. "What do you need?" She snapped. "Mommy wants to sleep."
"Bella," Alice said, "Talk to her nicely."
"Fu--screw you. She's my daughter. I can talk to her however I want."
I looked up at Bella with a feeling of anger. She doesn't deserve this baby. She grabbed the baby blanket off the chair and threw it over her shoulder. "So, my boobs coming out right now. So unless you want to stay for the show, I'd suggest you leave."
Alice shrugged and ran up to her room. I turned on my heels and went to find mom in the kitchen. "What's with Bella's mood?" I sat on the counter and swung my legs while mom cut carrots.
"She's tired Rosalie. Babies are a lot of work, and the first few days are the hardest."
"Doesn't look that hard." I muttered.
"Well missy, I don't want you finding out any time soon."
"I won't, I won't." I promised.
"But mom, you should tell her speak nicer to Carley."
"Listen, I'm not going to bug Bella about the little things right away. She's very overwhelmed, and I don't want her to feel like we're attacking her, and telling her how to raise her daughter. Bella needs to learn on her own that Carley won't respond to yelling. But for today let's just let her be."
"Whatever." I jumped off the counter and stormed up to my room. No one in this house listens to me. What makes them think that Bella knows best. I knelt down next to my bed and bowed my head. "God, I pray that Bella finds the guidance she needs to take care of Carley, and I pray that you watch over my new niece, and that you don't let Bella bring harm to her." I knew that Bella would never intentionally hurt Carley, but babies need love and patience, and I don't know if Bella can give that. "Thank you for Carley's health and beauty, and I pray that you continue to watch over this family. Amen." I sat back up and turned on my computer.
I had been thinking a lot about school lately. The plan was for me to go back to Mary's, but I was starting to have second thoughts. High school is a once in a lifetime experience, and I love Mary's, but I don't know if going to an all girls' school is what I really want.
I mean, yeah, I'm still scared to go back to public school, but I know that I'm going to regret not going to McKinley. I don't want to give my whole life up for that guy. I want to get on with my life and start living for me again.
Ever since I was a little girl I had dreamed of being a cheerleader, and Mary's doesn't have any sports teams. And I want to play volleyball too. I don't want to loose this chance because I'm scared. I'm smarter now, and I won't make the same stupid choices. I want to keep living though, and of course I'll still pray, but I just want to be able to have some fun.
I needed to talk to mom about this, but I decided to wait a few weeks. She's tired, and I don't want to bug her. I think I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna go to McKinley. I was going to stop living in fear. I needed to face high school. I'm not going to let that guy take another second of my life.
---
Bella POV
Three fucking a.m.
I rolled out of bed and lifted Carley out of her cradle. Esme was sleeping in the room with me to help, but she didn't even flinch. God, she must be even tireder than me. I hurried out of the room as to not wake her and took Carley down to the kitchen. I had sworn that I wouldn't breast feed, but it was easier than heating the bottle, so I pulled down my shirt and let Carley go at it. I turned on the TV and watched the disney channel until Carley was done. I burped her and then checked her diaper and the stood up.
As soon as I stood up she started wailing again. God, why are babies so hard. Why can't they just sleep through the night like a normal human being. I walked around the room lulling her and rocking her and thank God she stopped crying. She looked around the room, then up at me, then back around the room. Once I was sure that she was ready to go back to bed I headed back up to my room.
I gently placed her back in the cradle and then started to climb into bed. The second she was out of my arms though she started crying again. I fought back my own tears and then lifted her up again.
"Bella, let me help." Esme mumbled.
"I got it. Go back to sleep."
I went back down to the living room and turned the TV back on. I walked Carley all around the house, feeding her, burping her, changing her diaper, and she even fell asleep in my arms, but the second I put her down her eyes flew open and she started bawling.
What have I gotten my self into?
---
August 14th
The past two weeks have been hell. Absolute, fucking hell. And yeah, I swore. So sue me. I haven't slept in forever, so I think that a little swear here and there is perfectly acceptable.
Esme helped me a lot, but I was the one getting up in the middle of the night and I was the one holding her most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I'm just tired. So. Fucking. Tired.
Rosalie POV
"Mom?" I walked into the kitchen where mom was getting dinner ready. Everyone was busy doing their own things, so this seems like the perfect time to talk to mom about school.
"Yes, Rosalie?"
I jumped up on the counter and picked at my fingernails. I had prayed that this conversation would go smoothly. "Mom, I want to talk to you about high school. I know that the plan was for me to stay at Mary's, but mom, I've decided that I really want to go to McKinley."
Mom looked up. "What?"
"I want to have a normal high school experience. I want to go to football games and be a cheerleader and have a boyfriend. I don't want to live my life in fear."
"Wow, Rose, I never thought that we would be having this discussion. I thought you were doing so well..."
"I am doing well, mom. Thats why I want to go to McKinley. I don't want to loose another second of my life to that guy." Mom flinched when I mentioned him. "I don't want to look back on my life a regret not having a normal teenage life."
"Are you sure Rosalie? There's going to be parties, and guys..."
"Mom, theres going to be parties and guys everywhere. I know how to handle my self now. I know how to not be stupid."
"I want you to be okay."
"Mom!" I rolled my eyes, "I am okay! God has helped me, and now I'm ready to go back into the real world. Mary's was great for me, but I want to be normal again. God knows nothing else about my life is normal right now, so at least school can be."
"Alright then," Mom sighed, "Okay, I'll take you next week to register. You're sure?"
"Positive." I jumped off the counter and hugged her. "Thank you mom. Thank you so much!"
I danced up to my room feeling so excited. High school was going to be amazing, I just know it.
Alice POV
It was one in the morning and Carley was till crying. I didn't know that babies cry so much, but she hasn't stopped in hours. I rolled over and pulled my pillow over my head to drown out her wails. Man, I'm sure glad that I'm not Bella right now.
Alright... so this is just the start...wait till things REALLY heat up. I have some HUGE plans for the coming chapters that I'm psyched about. I might do a time jump, but I don't know. And if I do it won't be for a while. Like not until at least November. (In the story) But yeah, please review!!!
And for those of you who think that the Cullen's are done with tragedy, keep thinking. I have some sad plans for one of the characters... any guesses who? (And don't worry--no one dies)
Kay, I'm gonna stop rambling, but remember TO REVIEW!!!!
xoxo Alice