4:
She didn't see Sheldon for the next few days as she had managed to snag a couple of extra shifts at work, since she desperately needed the money. So the next time she saw him was at Halo night. She popped her head around their door.
"Leonard? I think you left your clothes in the laundry room again, these yours?" she said holding the basket out for him to see.
"Err... yeah it is thanks Penny" he said flushing with embarrassment as he rushed over to take the basket from her.
"No problem honey." She said with a smile. "Hey guys!" she said cheerfully as she saw the other three shouting excitedly at the television and they played Halo. Howard and Raj nodded at her before delving back into the game, only Sheldon avoided eye contact with her and it made her throat hurt. Seeing him like this, so close to her and yet so inaccessible made her realise what she had suspected for some time was true. She was attracted to Sheldon Cooper. It had started when he had hugged her at Christmas, his touch had been completely unlike any other she had ever experienced, so gentle, shy and genuine. It had made her happier than she could remember her ever being before. Ever since then she had tried to be noticed by him more, touching him whenever the opportunity arose. And now he wouldn't even look at her. She realised now that the kiss had also been a test for her to see if he could ever like her back, she longed for him to look at her again, even if it was to tell her off.
"Mind if I watch you guys play?" she asked Leonard as he hurried to hide his laundry basket from the guys, she couldn't blame him not wanting them to see his labelled underwear.
"Err sure just take a seat." He sat back down in the armchair, leaving the only free seat between Howard and Sheldon on the sofa. She ignored her glowing cheeks and threw herself into the seat as if nothing was wrong. Her leg accidently brushed Sheldon's and she felt him tense, but she deliberately didn't move her leg as she wanted him to be aware of her. These past 3 months with him gone had been awful, and she was so glad he was back as she only realised how much she had missed him, missed all of them until he had come home. Eventually the game finished and they put on an anime film she didn't really understand. Inevitably she drifted off to sleep about 20 minutes into the movie, and the next thing she knew the lights were being turned back on and the movie was over. She was reluctant to move from her position as she was so comfortable, until she realised that there was no way she could be leaning on anything as she had been sitting in the middle. Her eyes shot open and she looked up to see Sheldon's ear. She froze as she realised she had fallen asleep on his shoulder. She slowly sat upright again, not wanting to alert their position to the others. However she noticed Leonard turn away from them quickly as she settled upright. Great, he had seen them. She glanced nervously up at Sheldon. He was sat rigidly, his hands clenched in tight fists.
"Sorry Sheldon" she whispered to him as the others raved about the movie. He didn't reply as his gaze fixed on Leonard. Her eyes filled with tears and she hastily got to her feet.
"Well I better get home!" she said pasting a fake smile on her face "I have work tomorrow but thanks guys this has been fun!" she waved to them all and hurried to her own apartment. Once the door was locked she slid down it so she was sat on the floor with her back leaning up it, sobs shaking her body violently. How could she have been so stupid as to kiss him? Now she had ruined any chance she ever had. Not that she had had much of a shot to begin with, as she wasn't clever, or funny, or anything that he could ever see as worthy. She was just a dumb, blonde, wannabe actress, who's only paying job has been to wait tables at the Cheesecake Factory, and most of the time she couldn't even get that right. He must hate her.
Knock, knock, knock "Penny"
Knock, knock, knock "Penny"
Knock, knock, knock "Penny"
She froze. What was he doing here? She hastily rubbed the black marks under her eyes and straightened herself out, desperately hoping he couldn't tell she had been crying. She opened the door.
"Hey honey! What's up?"
"I need to talk to you." He said urgently.
Crap.
"Ok well come on in." She said opening the door wider so he could slip past her. He stood in the middle of her living room with his back to her. She shut the door and went to sit on the sofa, knowing that he would talk to her in his own time. Slowly he moved to sit next to her on the sofa and she longed to scoot closer to him but she didn't want to push him. However the minutes dragged on and she found herself unable to keep quiet anymore.
"I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable again." She whispered "I know the other night was bad enough for you and I'm sorry that I made it worse for you."
"I accept your apology." He said "You know better than to put me into awkward situations Penny."
She sighed in defeat. "Am I banished?" she said like a child being reprimanded, her face automatically slipping into a pout.
If she hadn't been looking at him she would have missed the corner of his mouth lift into a smirk. Her chest tightened as his smirk quickly disappeared and she desperately hoped that they would be able to get past this.
"No you are not banished, you only have two strikes remember?" he shook his head "Honestly you have the memory span of a goldfish."
She was a little offended at that but she recognised that he was teasing her in his own way.
"So you're not mad that I kissed you?"
"While I do agree that it seems to have made things a little awkward between us, no I am definitely not mad. "
"Good" she said a smile creeping on to her face.
"I do have a question though." He said causing her heart to stop "Why do you think that the other night was "bad" for me?"
"Well I put you in a weird situation, which seemed to freak you out so I assumed—"
"Why?" he interrupted.
"Why what?"
"Why did you want to kiss me Penny?" he slowly turned to face her.
"What?" she spluttered.
"Why did you want to kiss me when you know how Leonard feels for you?" he repeated.
"I...err well I guess..." she trailed off as she saw the look in his eyes. She didn't want to tell him the truth just yet. She didn't feel he would understand at this point in time.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" she said seeing a glimmer of distaste in his eyes.
"Like what?"
"Like you think I'm some sort of slut?"
"I do not think you are a slut Penny."
"Then why are you looking at me like that, like I've disappointed you?"
"I just don't think that using me to somehow get back at Leonard is a good idea, in fact I know it isn't a good idea as it will injure his feelings. You know he believes he is in love with you."
"That's what you think I'm doing?" she demanded, getting angry despite herself. "Using you to get Leonard to stop liking me?"
"Well that is the only conclusion I have been able to come to from looking at the evidence."
"What evidence?" she said scowling.
"Well for instance you have seemed to have no interest in returning Leonard's romantic feelings, apart for a few minor instances where you used his intense attraction to make you feel better, say, after a bad date or a horrible day at work. You have tried to reciprocate his feelings and yet found that you do not work well as a couple and yet he still refuses to let go of his romantic fantasies that he is in love with you. Therefore the only reason I can think of your attentions towards me is to form a barrier between you and Leonard."
"You're wrong." She stated, more than a little hurt by his assumptions. "For one thing Leonard is not in love with me. I am merely something he can idolise. Like when you guys have those action figures in your room, you always look at them but you can't touch them because they are valuable. Well that's how he sees me, and that is not loving someone it's an obsession!"
He opened his mouth to interrupt but she carried on as if he wasn't there.
"And despite your seemingly low opinion of me I would never use anyone! I'm not that sort of girl. Yeah I know I have made many mistakes in the past with Leonard but we all know that it wouldn't work between us, not when he puts me on such a high pedestal because it's too easy to fall. I thought you knew me better than that Sheldon. I mean you know me better than the other guys just like I know you the best! How could you think I could possibly be so cruel as to crush Leonard like that?"
He seemed to think about that, I could see him arguing with himself. She couldn't stand it any longer.
"I kissed you because I like you Sheldon." She said bluntly.
"You like me?" he stammered, his eyebrows rose in shock. "As in... you are attracted to me?"
"Yes." She said standing up "That is why I wanted to kiss you! Only I didn't realise that was the reason until I actually kissed you and then it was too late and I had messed everything up! And I feel horrible because I forced you into it and it has made you think all these horrible things about me."
"Penny stop!" he said getting to his feet and grasping the tops of her arms. "You are telling me the truth?"
"Of course I am!"
He released her as though she was on fire and looked at her in shock.
"That doesn't make sense" he murmured.
"You're telling me!" she exclaimed in exasperation running her hands through her hair. "I am sorry about Leonard, but you know that it would never work between the two of us in a relationship, even more so now that I have realised my feelings for you."
He stiffened as though she had electrocuted him and his face began to twitch. She sighed sadly and sank onto the sofa.
"I shouldn't have dumped this on you. I'm sorry honey. You can leave if you want."
He blinked in surprise and looked down at her. He made his way to her door and glanced at her over his shoulder. "Goodnight Penny." She closed her eyes in pain and waited for the door to shut. When she heard the loud click echo around her quiet living room she collapsed onto the sofa, allowing herself to cry. If she hadn't ruined their friendship before she certainly had now. She couldn't imagine not talking to him every day, only crossing paths when they walked past each other on the stairwell. She struggled to breathe and her chest hurt her so much. She cried until her throat burned and her eyes drooped in exhaustion and she slipped into a deep sleep.