"Alright, very funny." David said from the top of the stairs.

His voice came as a surprise to Jane, who, after taking Arthur and DW to school and putting Kate down for a nap, had assumed that her husband had left for work. "You know, once upon a time you cared about your baking..."

"The place is being fumigated for giant rats, and once upon a time you weren't such a bitch." he snapped as he emerged wearing a bathrobe. "Now where did you put them?"

Jane continued the typing on her desk. "Where did I put what?"

"You know full-well what. What did you do with my magazines?"

Jane turned to look at him. "I haven't touched them. When I checked the closet this morning I assumed you had moved them."

"Well, I definitely didn't so it must have been you, unless..." his face suddenly dropped as he realized the complete, terrifying reality of the situation. "Oh, Christ..." he whispered. "Arthur!" Without so much as putting on some pants, or for that matter anything under his bathrobe, David bolted out the door and jammed himself into his catering van, hoping he could reach Elwood City Elementary before it was too late.

At the beginning of lunch break, Arthur was strutting down the hallways, feeling very pleased with himself. Why shouldn't he be? After he had turned up at school with the rest of his dad's magazines, he discovered it wasn't just his close friends that wanted to purchase them. Practically all the boys in the school approached him at recess, asking to buy a copy of their own, a service he was all too happy to provide. His only regret was that it was over. All thirty or so issues of Naughty, Busty and Slapper that once sat in his parents closet were now circulated all around the school, being read in the bathroom, on the jungle gym, even during class, and he no longer had any to sell. Still, considering the very hearty profit he had made in the process, he was hardly able to be unhappy.

He had just strolled into the toilet and had stationed himself at the urinal when the door slammed open again. There stood his father, barely concealed by a loosely-tied robe and sweating intensely. Leaves and twigs clung to his now-wild hair. His sudden appearance gave Arthur quite a start, who leaped back in fright and banged his head hard into one of the stalls. "Dad! Jesus Christ, what the hell happened to you?"

"Oh Arthur," he panted. "Thank God it's you! The car ran out of gas half way here, and I had to spriny for the rest, but then the cops thought I was a pervert and I didn't outrun them for six blocks. I went up to four different kids that I thought were you!"

"Why? What's the problem?"

"Okay..." David said, lowering his voice dramatically. "There's about half a dozen hall monitors after me, so I don't have time to be subtle. I'm just going to go out and ask it; did you find a stack of magazines in my closet?"

"Uh...yeah..." Arthur admitted, his heart sinking.

He grabbed Arthur by the shoulders and looked into his eyes. "Tell me you didn't bring them to school."

"Um...maybe?" Arthur could feel himself begin to perspire.

"Please tell me you still have them."

Arthur didn't know how to answer that. "Well...I...uh..."

"Arthur..."

"Dad, I kind of sold them all to some kids at school..."

David's mouth dropped. "You what? You stupid idiot! You sold my porno to your school friends?" He began shaking him violently by the shoulders. "What an idiot! Why the hell would you do something so stupid?"

So consumed with rage was David, he didn't even notice Principle Haney enter the bathroom, holding a folded newspaper in one hand. He also didn't notice that his robe was slowly coming undone, revealing a lack of undergarments beneath.

Mr. Haney's eyes narrowed with rage. "Not in my school..." He hissed. He lowered his body and charged headfirst into the unsuspecting David, which sent him sprawling backwards into the wall. Gritting his teeth, the ferocious principle pulled him up by the collar and promptly began pounding his face as hard as he could.

"Not!"

Punch.

"In!"

Punch.

"My!"

Punch

"School!"

Mega-punch.

Arthur should have tried to break up the onslaught. Instead he used the opportunity to slink back into the hallways, whistling nonchalantly.