Chapter 3

I get out of the shower, but keep the water running as I wrap up in a towel. I kneel down and force myself to puke three times before I end up dry heaving when there's nothing left.

I flush the toilet and then turn off the shower, brushing my teeth.

I put on some pajamas and then go out of the bathroom, my hair wrapped up in a towel.

Jason was there on my computer, Googling stuff. He turned around when I came out. "Feeling any better?"

I shake my head.

Honestly, I felt worse.

I feel awful when I purge, but I just can't help it. I have to do it or I feel worse than before.

I hop in bed and Jason comes over to me. "You just sleep and I'll come check on you in the morning, okay?"

I nod and close my eyes, yawning.

"You must be exhausted," Jason says.

Yes. Trying to be perfect is wearing me out.

"Sleep well. If you need anything, I'll be in my room. Feel free to wake me up, okay?"

"Night, Jason."

"Night, Nate."

He shuts the door.

I wait a few minutes before grabbing my knife and cutting. Silent tears roll out of my eyes and fall into the new cuts, causing it to sting even more, making it hurt so… good.

X X X

When I wake up the next day, I pull on a sweater I got last Christmas and head downstairs.

Mum made breakfast again and I sit down at the table.

"Oh, sweetie, are you cold again?" Mum asks.

I nod.

"If you want I can turn up the heat," she offers.

"It's okay," I tell her.

"Okay, well I made breakfast." Mum sets down a plate of bacon in front of me.

Does she not realize how much fat is in that?

It's like she's trying to fatten me up.

I just stare at it. As much as I want it, and as much as my stomach screams for it, I resist temptation to eat it.

Jason and Shane look intently at me, which only makes it worse.

When I feel like I can't control myself from eating it, I walk away from the table and go upstairs.

Jason comes running after me and he opens the door to my room. "Nate…"

"No. Leave me alone," I say, so close to crying.

"Nate, please tell me what's going on. I can help you."

"I'm just… not hungry…"

Jason stands there in the doorway, sighing. "Nate, you haven't eaten a thing in three days. If you're not better by tomorrow, I'm gonna call a doctor."

I stare at him until he leaves.

And then I go on my computer and go on Facebook.

When no one is on, I go back over to my bed. But stop when I see myself in the mirror.

I can't believe it.

I shake my head in shame and then lay down on the floor, doing sit ups.

After I do two hundred, I plop down on my bed, exhausted.

I take a nap, but the next time I wake up, I see Jason hovering above me with a can of Diet Coke in his hand.

I reach out for the soda and he gives it to me. I open it and drink it.

"Don't drink it too fast," Jason says.

I slow down the rate at which I was drinking it.

"Soda always helps me settle my stomach when I'm sick," Jason says, sitting down on my bed. "And club crackers. Those work too. Do you want me to get some of those?"

I shake my head. "I'm not hungry."

"Okay. Tell me when you are. I'll be downstairs."

Right when he leaves, I go into the bathroom and now that I had something to throw up, I purge it all.

It's addicting. I can't stop.

I think… I think…

I think I might have a problem.

X X X

Two days later and Jason is convinced that I am so sick that he has to take me to the hospital.

Why?

Because I was stupid.

I was so stupid I didn't eat anything at all and then when I had another soda, I threw it up right in front of him.

Why?

Because I couldn't control myself.

"Get in the car, Nate," Jason says.

I shake my head. "No… Don't make me go."

"Nate, you haven't eaten in three days and you can't keep anything down!"

"So?"

"So that means there's something wrong!"

"I'm fine. I'm okay. Leave me alone."

I cling onto my bed, which is where I have been living for the past couple days. I've been so exhausted that the only times I've ever left my bed was when I got up to go to the piddly diddly department or to throw up.

"No, you're not fine!" Jason says. He walks over to me. "Nate, I want no more excuses. Come on, we're going." He pulls me a bit.

I push him away, weakly. "I can't… I'm too tired to go anywhere." I close my eyes.

Jason picks me up and carries me bridal style downstairs. "Mum, will you drive us to the hospital?"

Mum apparently agreed because Jason takes me into the car and lays me down in his lap as Mum drives to the hospital. Shane, Frankie, and Dad are in the car, too, because I hear them talking. I don't understand what they're saying, however.

Jason messes with my hair and I just moan softly.

When the car stops, Jason carries me into the hospital and I hear a bunch of people chattering. I blank out a bit, but I do recall someone lifting up my sleeve, which makes me open my eyes. Luckily, Jason was too distracted to notice the cuts on my arm. I can tell the doctor, however, noticed something, but she didn't say anything and instead put an IV in my arm and covered up all of the cuts with a bandage.

She is officially my new best friend for not saying anything to Jason about it.

I give her a small smile of gratitude and close my eyes again.

People poke and prod me, but I'm way too tired to react to any of it, and I just lay there while Jason tries his hardest to talk to me and tries desperately for me to say something back.

I completely drown out what everyone was saying for a couple minutes and fall asleep.

When I wake up again, I find myself in a hospital bed, hooked up to all sorts of fun stuff.

I feel slightly better than I was, and definitely less weak than earlier. I open my eyes and see that I'm all alone in a room.

After a couple minutes of confusion, wondering where everyone could be, someone walks into the room.

It was that doctor.

"Hey best friend," I laugh.

She smiles. "Good morning. How are you feeling today?"

"Much better," I say.

"Well that's good."

"Yeah."

She looks around for a bit and then closes the door, going right over to me. "Nate, I saw the cuts."

"Oh… Yeah… Those… It's not what you think; I accidently ran into a tree."

She doesn't buy it.

"Don't tell anyone," I whisper.

"Okay, well technically, I'm not legally allowed to tell anyone; Doctor-patient confidentiality."

I let out a sigh of relief. "Good."

"Good for who?" she asks.

"Me. It's good for me. If Jason ever found out, I'd be dead before you could say… chicken nuggets."

"I'm pretty sure he wouldn't kill you."

"I'm pretty sure he would."

"So... when?"

"When what?"

"When did you start?"

I hesitate before saying, "About a month ago."

She nods. "Okay… and when did you start not eating and purging?"

"How'd you find out about that?"

"Because I know a lot of things."

"That started at the same time the other thing started."

My best friend sighs. "If you don't mind me asking… why?"

"Because… Jason and Shane are so perfect. And I'm not. And sometimes it gets too much to handle and-"

I stop talking when my whole family walks right into the room.

"Okay," Best Friend says, "I'll be back to check on you later." She walks away.

Jason spots me and smiles. "You're awake!"

"And you're Jason… Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were having a state the obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature."

He completely ignores the fact that I just said his favourite "House" line and runs over to hug me. "Nate, I was so worried about you!"

Shane pushes him away. "Hey, I want in on this love fest!" He hugs me as well.

Frankie jumps on my bed and gives me a huge, wet kiss right on my nose.

I laugh. "Ah, my loving family." And then I wipe away the Frankie spit.