Chapter 6

I munch on a cookie while we rehearse.

"Take it from the top of 'One Man Show,'" I say, stuffing two more cookies in my mouth.

Shane looks over at me and laughs. "Nate, if you eat all those cookies, you're gonna look like Godzilla."

I pause and set the cookies down on the plate where I got them.

Jason starts playing the guitar again and I sing the lyrics to "One Man Show."

When Mum calls us down for dinner, Jason stops playing, and I stop singing and we head downstairs to the kitchen.

"What's for dinner?" Jason asks. "I'm starving!"

Actually, I think it's me that's the starving African child.

We all sit down at the table.

"We're having lasagna," Mum says.

Shane whines. "Aw, but we had that last night! And the night before!"

"Yes, well Nate didn't get any and it's his favourite," Mum tell him.

She's right; it is my favourite.

Mum puts a plate in front of me. I slowly eat it. I look up and see them all smiling. "What?" I ask.

"Nothing," Jason says and everyone looks back down at their plates.

I give them weird looks that they don't see and eat my lasagna again. They all stare at me again.

"Okay, you're freaking me out. What?"

"Nothing," Jason says again. "We're just happy that you're eating again."

Everyone nods in agreement.

I put more food in my mouth and they finally leave me alone and stop watching me eat.

And then I start to think about what Shane said earlier. 'If you eat too much, you're gonna look like Godzilla.' And then I get all of these pictures of Godzilla in my head.

And then I stop eating. And excuse myself from the table. And go upstairs, looking in my mirror.

And instead of seeing starving African child Nate, I saw Godzilla Nate.

And I throw up.

X X X

The next morning when I wake up, it's dark, so I walk over to turn on the light. But on my way, I step in something wet and cold.

I turn on the light and look at my foot.

I stepped in a pile of cat shit.

I groan. "Ugh! Bubba! Not again!"

Great. That is just so great.

I hop on one foot over to my bathroom and wash off my foot in the shower. Damn cat. I love Buster, but he gets on my nerves a lot.

When all is better, I go downstairs and see Jason and Dad in the kitchen.

"Morning," I say, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

"Take your medicine," Jason says.

I go into the kitchen and "Jason hands me a glass of water and one of the pills. "Thanks," I tell him and take a fake-o pill.

I sit down at the table. "So you'll never guess what Bubba did."

"What'd he do?" Jason asks.

"Left me a present. On my floor. Yeah, and I stepped in it."

Shane comes downstairs, laughing. "You stepped in cat poop?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"Ha ha!" he laughs like that stupid kid from 'The Simpsons.'

What is it about older brothers and having to laugh at your pain and suffering?

"Anyway," Shane says, grabbing an apple, "I'm gonna go take a jog down to the store to get more bread. Anyone want to go?"

I stand up. "I do."

"Okay," Shane says and tosses me an apple. "Eat before we go."

I catch it but toss it back. "Nah, I'm not in the mood for breakfast this morning."

"Whatever," Shane mutters.

We walk over to the door and Shane grabs his shoes and puts them on. Faster than you can say 'oohga boohga' Shane pulls off his shoes. "OH MY GOD! BUBBA!"

Then I see Buster scamper past as fast as he can, his fat shaking from side to side.

"What?" I ask.

"Bubba took a shit in my shoe!" Shane exclaims, completely disgusted.

I laugh. "Karma's a bitch."

Shane groans and gets some new socks on and different shoes.

We finally leave the house and go on our jog.

Shane was showing off the whole time, flexing his muscles and saying, "Oh, I'm such a beast!"

Perfect.

That's what he is.

He gets all the ladies, works out, has a six pack.

And me?

I have flab.

And more flab.

And I look like Godzilla.

Godzilla in a fat suit.

"Look at these guns!" Shane says. We stop jogging and he grabs my arm. "Dude, where are your guns?"

I take my arm away from him. "They're on vacation."

Shane laughs and pats me on the back a little too hard. "You're funny, kid."

We stop at the store, but it was closed.

So Shane keeps on jogging and I follow.

Only once we got past the two mile mark, I slow down. Like majorly. And I stop completely. And so does Shane.

"Dude, what the hell?" Shane asks, coming back over to me.

I try to catch my breath. "Hold up a sec," I say, panting. I fall over in the grass. "I can't carry on."

"Goddamn, do I have to carry you?" Shane bends over and picks me up from the ground and then continues jogging.

"Ahh!" I scream. This has got to be one of the bumpiest rides I've ever been on. "Stop!"

"Oh, come on!" Shane exclaims. "We're almost done!"

"How much longer are you gonna carry me?"

"Only five more miles. Up the pass and back down."

"Don't your arms get tired from holding me?"

"Tired? Ha! I'm so strong people get winded just watching me run!"

And then he takes off in a sprint, making it that much worse.

X X X

Five miles later and we finally make it home.

"That was beastly," Shane says, setting me down on the porch.

"Uh huh," I mutter.

We walk into the house and Shane pours himself a glass of those disgusting energy shakes. "These taste like fuck, but you gotta drink 'em if you want to look as good as I do."

"Mmm hmm," I say. I sit down at the table.

"Here." Shane hands me a glass of it. "Drink it."

I push it away. "I'll pass, thanks."

Jason comes into the room. "Did you guys just get back? How long did you go for?"

"Just seven miles," Shane says, sipping the shake.

"Seven miles?!" Jason blows up.

He nods. "Yeah. I usually run ten, but Nate was here and all…"

"Shane!" Jason scolds. "I can't believe you took Nate for a seven mile jog! He just got out of the hospital!"

"Oh, don't get your knickers in a knot," Shane rolls his eyes. "He only jogged for two and I carried him the rest of the way."

"Two miles is a lot!" Jason continues. "I thought you were just gonna jog to the Al-Mart to get bread and come back!"

(For those who don't know what an Al-Mart is, it's a grocery store in our town, Alma. Get it? It's punny.)

"Yeah, well the Al-Mart was closed so I just decided maybe we should just go to the top of the pass and back. No big deal."

"To the top of the pass?!"

"Yeah."

"But Shane, Nate isn't ready to run to the top of the pass yet!"

"Well he didn't even go! I carried him!"

Jason lets out an exasperated sigh. "Just don't do it again until you're sure Nate is ready."

"Chill, Jason, I was fine," I tell him.

Jason stares at me, skeptically.

"I was fine!" I exclaim.

He shakes his head and walks upstairs.

"Good goin'," I tell Shane.

"Yeah, well it's not my fault you're not a beast like I am," he says and walks into the other room with his disgusting energy shake.

X X X

That night at dinner, Shane sat next to me. "Hey, Nate. Check out this awesome muscle right here."

I roll my eyes. "I see it, Shane."

"Check out this leg muscle," he says, putting his leg up on the table.

"Shane, get your feet off the table!" Dad scolds.

"Nate, check out this awesome neck muscle," Shane continues, getting all up in my personal space.

"Yes, I see it. It's beautiful," I mutter.

"Yeah, well you haven't even seen my eyebrow muscles, yet."

Jason cuts in. "Shane, stop it."

"I can't help that I'm such a beast," Shane defends.

"Yeah, well it's getting annoying."

"Someone's jealous," Shane whispers to me, nudging me with his elbow.

"Yeah. Sure. We're all just so jealous of you and your amazing eyebrow muscles," Jason says sarcastically.

Shane moves his eyebrows up and down. "Check that out. That's beastly."

"Stop using that word!" Mum exclaims. "It's disgusting!"

"You're disgusting!" Shane yells and stands up. "I'm gonna go work on my eyebrow muscles. Good bye, loving family." He goes upstairs.

We all sit there in a nice quiet setting now that Shane and his billions of muscles are gone.

But then Frankie started laughing and we all looked over at him.

"Bubba pooted," he laughs.

That's when I decide to leave the table myself and put my empty bowl in the sink, going upstairs.

I go in my room and lock the door. I head straight in the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat, and when I finish, I brush my teeth and lie down on the floor, doing sit ups.

I'll never be as good as Shane and his 'oh, look I run ten miles every day,' or his 'oh, check out this awesome neck muscle!'

After I finish my one hundred sit ups, I work on my eyebrow muscles in bed until I fall asleep.