Hai! Darkness here, back with ANOTHER collab between myself and ICaughtMyself. This as written in College the same with Shooting Practise and CandyMan. You don't have to read them to understand it but it does help with how Will and Ironhide and Epps and Graham get together. And, sorry for the terrible spelling and bad grammer, i did a half arsed beta myself and yeah... If you do find anything point it out to me and Ill edit it!
Summary: Will has a jar of Peanut Butter and refuses to share. Ironhide has Biscuits and refuses to share... Galloways there, and so is Glen.. Not sure why... He just is.
Warnings: Uhm... Lots of swearing and such... Suggestive themes... All that garb. :D SLASH! YOU HAS BEEN WARNED! IF YOU DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ! SIMPLES!
Disclaimer: Uhhh... *braindead* yeah... Not Mine. However I do own a jar of Peanut Butter and I did see a GMC topkick once. :D
PEANUT BUTTER
CHAPTER ONE
Will sat on the kitchen counter, with a spoon in one hand and a jar of peanut butter in the other, next to him, sat a glass of milk. He was eating peanut butter with a spoon. Ironhide's holoform walked into the kitchen and stopped. He raised an eyebrow and looked at Will.
"Hai, 'Hide" Will said happily. He continued to eat his peanut butter, with the occasional sip of milk to get rid of the sticky bit on the roof of his mouth.
"What are you doing?" Ironhide asked. "Aren't you generally meant to spread peanut butter on toast or something?"
"Yeah... But... you can eat it with a spoon... it still tastes the same, except you Haven't got the taste of the bread, obscuring the peanut butter" will said grinning like an idiot.
"Whatever. I think I'll pass." Ironhide wrinkled his nose in disgust and began to search through the kitchen cupboards.
"You no like my peanuts? Wait... that came out wrong..."
"Oh god... you're in one of these moods again." Ironhide rolled his eyes and pulled a packet of biscuits out of the cupboard. "How did I deal with you last time?"
"Cuz you love me!" Will exclaimed. "Can I has a biscuit?"
"No, because you're going to make yourself sick with peanut butter and milk. And I'm going to laugh when you do." Will pouted.
"You're so mean. I just want one biscuit"
"Well you can't have one. They're mine now." Ironhide smirked and walked out of the kitchen. Will put down his peanut butter and jumped off the counter and tackled Ironhide to the floor
"Gimme. A. Fucking. Biscuit"
"Erm... No."
"fuck you" Will got up off of Ironhide and went and sat on the counter again sulking as he shovelled peanut butter into his mouth.
"You're such a child." Ironhide smiled, getting up and walking back into the kitchen, holding a biscuit just out of Will's reach.
"Fuck You" will grumbled "I'm not playing your fucking games. I just wanted a biscuit to go with my peanut butter, but your such a twat and told me no"
"Like I said: you're a child. I'll go and see if Epps and Graham want to play my games."
"NO!" Will put the peanut butter down. YET again. And jumped on Ironhide. "Mine"
"Oh, so now you love me again?"
"no, I just wanted your biscuits" Will grabbed the biscuits and legged it, locking himself in the bathroom. Ironhide's holoform disappeared. Ironhide took the roof off of the bathroom. Will screamed.
"I thought you weren't allowed to go in robot form in front of witnesses... y'know... the whole... hiding in plain sight kinda thing?"
"You are the only witness."
"What about the people in the other houses, that can CLEARLY see you?"
"Will, this is Diego Garcia. All of them are NEST personnel. They all know about me anyway."
"Oh... yeah... well... OPTIMUS PRIME will shout at you for tearing off the roof... and then Galloway will kill you... he's scary... you can have your biscuits back if I can have one and put peanut butter on it"
"Firstly; Optimus Prime will not shout at me. He will just give me a stern telling off. Secondly; Galloway is not scary and it would be impossible for him to kill me. Thirdly; I was going to give you a biscuit earlier, but you said you weren't going to play my games. You brought all of this on yourself."
"What are you? My dad?" Will held out the biscuits. "here you go then. Now put the roof back before someone finds out"
"Maybe I'll leave the roof off to teach you a lesson."
"but, like you said... Optimus will give you a stern telling off... so... It's on your head" Will put the biscuits down and casually walked out of the bathroom.
Ironhide's holoform appeared in front of Will. "How many stern 'telling offs' do you think I've had? I'm sure I can survive another one."
"How many have you had?" Will put his hands on his hips, and popped his hips to the side.
"Do you really think I've counted?" Ironhide snorted. "I've been alive for a couple of million years. There are a lot of telling offs."
"Oh yeah... well... put the roof back on the bathroom please"
"No, I don't think I will." Ironhide nommed on a biscuit.
"Well.. on your head be it" Will turned and found Optimus behind him, he turned back to Ironhide and found that he was sandwiched between two very proud...very GAY robot holoforms... this was not turning out well.
"Optimus. What brings you here?" Ironhide asked.
"Apparently I need to give Ironhide a stern telling off... What for this time" Optimus said crossing his arms over his chest.
"What the...? Who told you I need a stern telling off?" Ironhide also folded his arms.
"I think he heard us talking 'Hide. AND he tore the roof of the bathroom to get some biscuits." Will said getting out of the way of the senior Autobots. He didn't want people to think he was about to have a threesome with them. Epps would never let him live it down.
"WILL! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU." Ironhide prepared to run after the human soldier
"No, You're not Ironhide. Will run along and go find Epps. I'm sure you two can play for a while if Graham lets you" Optimus said while smirking
"I'M NOT A FUCKING CHILD!"
"I DON'T THINK OPTIMUS MEANT 'PLAY' IN THAT WAY." Ironhide exploded.
"..." Will looked at Ironhide. Then at Optimus who was looking shocked at Ironhide's explosion. Then down at the floor. "I'll be going now" Will turned on his heel and walked off.
"I'm going to kill him..." Ironhide muttered under his breath.
"Why? HE hasn't done anything wrong. All he done was say he wasn't a child. You were the one that exploded for no apparent reason" Optimus sternly told Ironhide.
"He told you I took the roof off!"
"I knew that anyway. I saw you. It just means Will is a honest soldier"
"..." Ironhide blinked at Optimus. "Can I go now?"
"If it's to find will. Then... Yes. But... do anything wrong. And I will tell you off" Optimus said walking off to go talk to Morshower about battle plans.
"Like I'm scared of being told off." Ironhide growled, storming off to find Will.
Will was sitting in the canteen, eating the remainder of his peanut butter jar. Epps and Graham were sitting with him, stealing glances at each other.
"and he just exploded at me for something Optimus said. and all because I took it in the innocent way and not the way Optimus meant"
"Will... Ironhide does have some... anger issues... sometimes." Graham said. he looked at the doors to the canteen. "Oh fuck, here he comes." Will looked over and groaned
"fucks sake. What does he want" Epps said.
Ironhide threw himself down beside Will and threw an arm around Will's shoulders. "Hello, honey."
"What do you want" Will grumbled through a mouth full of peanut butter.
"I wanted to apologise for earlier... and don't worry, I will put the roof back on the bathroom... later." Ironhide smiled.
"Why did you explode? There really was no reason for it." Will said.
"I'm a trigger happy nut-job, okay?" Ironhide said. "I just explode randomly."
"Yeah... But you've never exploded at me... It's always been at other people... I wondered what I had done wrong, I hadn't done anything except take what Optimus said in an innocent way" Will said shovelling more peanut butter into his mouth.
"You made me get told off." Ironhide grumbled, staring down at his lap. "Being told off by Optimus doesn't do much for my dignity."
"What dignity? You have none left. You're a two million old robot... Wow... talk about age gap between partners" Will said. sticking MORE peanut butter into his mouth (A.N. Darkness: Wow, how much peanut butter has this guy got?")
"I still do have dignity." Ironhide muttered. "And I have no problem with the age gap... it's just you. Epps and Graham don't have a problem with our age gap either."
"Oh... I don't have a problem with the age gap... if I had a problem I wouldn't be with you now" Will said putting the peanut butter down (A.N. Darkness: Le Gasp!) and leant over to the bot and kissed him on the corner of the mouth. "I love you"
"I love you too. Why the hell did you even bring up the age gap? Just because I'm old it doesn't mean I have no dignity. It's likely to mean I have more dignity." Ironhide pulled Will closer to him.
"Epps, I think this is our cue to leave." Graham grinned.
"Yeah man" Epps said. Will kissed Ironhide on the mouth and nibbled his lips.
"BOYS" Galloway shouted. "I will have no Autobot/human intimate relationships" He scowled. (A.N. Darkness: I love him, he's such a babe). Ironhide turned to face Galloway and glared at him.
"I hate that man." he muttered under his breath.
"Optimus doesn't have a problem with it. And surely his judgement overrules yours" Will said standing up to face Galloway.
"Don't use that tone on me!"
"Why not?" Ironhide stood up beside Will and wrapped an arm around Will's waist, pulling him closer. "And what's your problem with our relationship? It's none of your business what we get up to."
"Oh... it's my business. One word to the President and you Autobots will be off this planet" he shouted.
"I don't have to talk to anyone to get you off this planet." Ironhide growled.
"EXCEPT FOR ME!" Optimus randomly turned up in his holoform and sternly looked at Ironhide, will and Galloway. "What is going on?" he asked.
"Galloway is saying that intimate Autobot and human relationships are prohibited... is this true?" Will said, pointedly looking at Galloway
"not that I know of" Optimus said.
"Exactly." Ironhide smirked. He nipped Will's ear and whispered, "Galloway wants you all to himself."
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Galloway Shouted. "I will not have any of this. You will break up"
"who says. They are my Autobots... and you never know. Your President might be swinging the same way" Optimus chuckled.
And for some reason Glen was there the whole time, watching this happen... "OOoohhhhh, you got snapped brother. Now, where are my doughnuts" (A.N. Darkness: I have no idea why he's there... he just is)
"Glen... just... just no." Ironhide said, shaking his head. Will stood there in actual hysterics.
"Oh, man, I love you Glen." Will said wiping tears from his eyes after his laughing fit. The rest of the soldiers in the canteen were laughing.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Galloway shouted. "I WILL NOT BE MADE A MOCKERY OF. Prime. I expect these two and ANY other couples to be broken up. NOW" and with that little truth nugget, he walked off leaving everyone in shock.
"Well, I guess we could see each other secretly." Ironhide whispered to Will.
"Okay... you're not going to be broken up. He's going to be forced to leave anyway, after I tell his President, what he's been saying" Prime said, looking over at all the soldiers in the canteen.
"Or we could just go and sort him out ourselves." Ironhide suggested, cracking his knuckles.
"I like that idea!" Will piped up, grabbing his peanut butter and shoving more in his mouth
"Exactly. Me and Epps are big, hench and all rawr. I'm pretty sure we can intimidate Galloway." Ironhide said smugly. He high fived Epps.
"Or, you can tell him how many couples he is forcing to break up, and if there aren't many... make some up" Prime said, silently cursing himself, as to why he had to be put with trigger-happy nut-jobs in his army
"You really think he'll care that he's ruining people's relationships? He's a miserable old git." Graham insisted.
"Good point, there Captain (A.N: Darkness: I don't actually know what rank he is) don't use, major force, just... threaten him, and if threatens you back... then... tell... I dunno,... Morshower? I can't tell you to beat him up" Prime pondered this for a while, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
"I still think we should kick his ass." Ironhide muttered.
"I here that one" Epps replied. Glen sat there thoughtfully.
"You could just say that he stole my doughnuts" Glen added.
"..." Ironhide turned to look at Glen. "Glen, we all know it's an impossible task to steal your doughnuts. How the hell would Galloway manage it?" Ironhide placed his hands on his hips. "I'm going to beat Galloway up. Who's with me?" The whole canteen shouted in agreement.
"I'm not" Will said. Shutting everyone up.
"Why not?" Ironhide asked, turning to face Will. "It's a bit of Galloway bashing. Everyone wants to punch that man... he's just one of those people."
"Yeah, but last time I stood up to Galloway, he stripped me of my rank" Will shrugged and continued to eat, his peanut butter.
"Will, I won't let him do anything to you." Ironhide placed a hand on Will's shoulder. "If he even thinks about stripping you of your rank I'll strip him of his hands. Then he won't be able to do it." Will laughed and leant up to kiss Ironhide on the cheek. Ironhide pulled Will into his arms and kissed him on the forehead.
"Can we go now, or are you two just gonna stand there?" Graham asked.
"Yes we can, LETS GO!" Epps said, in a sort of, black man... battle cry... thing.
-TBC-
Oka... end of first chapter. NOW, the same with Shooting Practise i will uplload a chapter a day... and it's only three chapters long. :D
Hope ya enjoyed it!
Review? I'll give free Cyber!Cookies!
xxDarknessxx