Dreaming of you, my needing of you.

Desperately believing what we have is true.

Too short a time was spent knowing,

When we didn't realise what was growing between us.

All I see in my mind is a vision of you that last day.

The time when I broke your heart in such a cruel way.

Mindless fucking overpowering what was loving.

Something that was special and true, a future envisioned with you.

All shattered. Broken.

Destroyed by what I've done.

I may not have known you when you were wronged, but I should have waited for something that was right.

Not him. Not that night.

Grabbing, pushing, pulsing, groaning.

All his thrusting and my moaning…

I scribbled the words out from the back of the notebook I'd found in my overnight bag. I hadn't written poetry for at least a year, and now was a shit time to start up again. It had gotten me through some fuck awful days, like back when my impostor mother had started acting funny and I knew something wasn't right. But writing now, when I had barely enough room in my head to think on a freaking normal day, would turn all the crap into dust which I could never salvage from the wreckage.

Shit.

Writing always made me think deep. I hated thinking deep. Hated having to analyse things that had gone wrong. I mean, it had already happened. What was the point in fucking with my own head? Making me relive shit I had trouble surviving through the first time.

I knew what had happened. Knew every tiny detail of all the mistakes I'd made.

I couldn't think on it now. Not in the darkness on the first night of my road trip with Alice. Who was in the next room, probably already awake after all my bastard snivelling. I was such a child. Crying over things that couldn't be changed.

Life moves on. I have to move on. No sense in worrying about the one night that demolished my future with someone, the only one, I could let accept me. True love is for kids reading fairy tales, not knowing that the world outside their bedroom is waiting for the first opportunity to fuck them over. I didn't believe in that shit. I had never believed.

So, why did this hurt so goddamned much?

But it wasn't just the shame and embarrassment. No. The burning, aching, throbbing of my heart caused me more pain than anything I had ever felt. It felt worse than anything I could imagine in the entire world.

It was like I was broken.

My heart, giving up, knowing it had nothing left to live for…

Though that wasn't true, I had to keep reminding myself. I'd had a life before and I would have a life after. No sense ruining myself over two meaningless dicks. They couldn't break me like this, I wouldn't let them.

The more times I repeated to myself how worthless they were, the harder it became to believe. I knew, deep down, that these guys meant fucking everything to me. If they had let me… I would have made them both my world. Not in the same way, as the feelings I had for each were different, but one was not less important than the other.

"Hey…" the voice sounded uncertain.

Damn bitch. Caught me off guard. Didn't even bother to knock…

Before I could continue the tirade on Alice's interruption in my mind, I realised my face was more than likely streaked with betraying tears. Bastards. Letting on that I am a slave to my fucking emotions…

I shoved my head quickly under the duvet, but not quickly enough. She knew I was awake. Of course she did. Nosey prick. Probably listening in on my self-pity.

Though I couldn't hate her. If anything, I needed this. Just one person in my life who gave a flying fuck about me.

"You okay, Bella?" Her soothing voice calmed my tears as I felt her slight weight press down on the edge of my bed.

I poked my face out from the covers and saw her sitting next to me, face the mask of concern. But I didn't want that. Concern and pity went hand in hand, as far as I remembered.

Wiping my mess with the back of my hand, I forced a smile onto my face.

"Alright, Alice?" I hadn't meant it to come out so croaky. Bloody emotions cracking my voice.

"I'm fine, how are you?" She put a steadying hand on my shoulder. Almost seeming afraid that I would burst into tears at any given moment.

I wasn't fucking having this.

"Alice, yes, I've been crying. That much is fucking clear. But would you please shove your pity up your ass and let me deal in my own way, yeah? I know you're my friend, and I'm sure you're used to giving out sympathy – but that shit don't fly with me. I'm not someone you need to pussyfoot around. I will not break."

My words lied. I couldn't help them. Once they had started to flow, I had no freaking control. I inwardly laughed at myself for all that crap. I mean, it had used to be true; but now, after all this, I wasn't so sure anymore.

Especially the last sentence.

It certainly felt like I was going to fucking break. At any fucking moment. A part of me thought that I already was…

"Okay, Bella."

Her brightness shone through the dark in my mind, impeding all further thought. Even without her pissing powerful smile, I could feel the positivity rolling off her in waves. It was infectious. Though, I hadn't decided whether that was a good or a bad thing.

"So," I forced a smile in return. "Why the social call?"

"Oh!" She jumped up and down from her spot on my bed. "Carlisle and Esme wanted me to get you. You have to go and eat your breakfast so we can move! We're off to California!"

Sunny, funny, Cali.

Sex, drugs, and plenty of miles between me and all of my problems.

"Well then, little one, I better get up and get fucking dressed!"

She grabbed my arms as I stood and spun me around in a circle. I had to shake the blurriness from my spinning eyes before I could focus on grinning at the annoying bastard.

This girl may even turn out to be good for me…

Is that fucking likely?

I wanted to scoff inwardly, but somehow couldn't find the urge. Maybe I was changing. Maybe I was maturing. Maybe I was looking for anything to replace the black hole void in my heart… and Alice's ray of sunshine was doing the job just bloody fine.