Disclaimer: I still do not own, PR. Look below story for Author's Note.
I don't know the exact moment I decided to live. To not take the pills I stare at every night. Maybe it was when I realized that my friends needed me. Not to save the world anymore, but to at least save myself. When one experiences such excruciating heartbreak, it's as if someone chose to stab you in the heart with the biggest butcher knife they can find. When I got that phone call, my heart died. That moment in time, which I'll remember forever was the beginning of the darkest period in my life, in which there seemed no hope. It was as if the pain had opened up a new world for me. A world in which there was no light, no happiness, no end; save for death.
Sometimes, in my dreams, I see him. A few nights ago, I fell asleep hugging Olly, the bear he had given me so long ago. I dreamed and saw him then. Beautiful long brown hair shining in the sun, standing on the shores of Angel Grove lake. It was there that we shared our first kiss. Our fondest memories lay deep within the shores, and in the water that cleansed them. I remember him as he was. Handsome. Alive. We embrace, and I kiss his willing and generous lips. He smiles at me, gazing those beautiful chocolate eyes down at me. We make love on the shore, watching the sun sink behind the mountains just as I reach completion. He shudders, reaching his own peak inside of me. "Tommy" I murmur, staring deep into his eyes. "I'm going to love you forever". He smiles, and lays his head on my chest, closing his eyes and wrapping his strong muscular arms around me. As I close my own eyes, I slowly awaken.
I have dreamed of him so often, just to find myself alone when I wake up. Most evenings I found sleep to be as easy to catch a hold of as clouds. I find myself laying there, tears sliding silently down my face, praying to God to take me in my sleep. So that I may be with my love. Finding solace in the thought of being in Tommy's arms again, I close my eyes.
I have stopped living. Not finding my end at the bottom of a pill bottle. But finding the end of everything else by merely existing. I do not remember the last time I bathed. I haven't eaten in over a week, finding my appetite to be non-existent. I lost my job as a gymnastics coach at the Juice Bar, and spend my days living in my apartment that I can no longer afford. Most of these thoughts occur to me only rarely. Nothing matters anymore. The only thing that has ever mattered to me is gone. I cannot bear to think that he has died. I prefer to think of him as lost, finding that it lessens the flow of tears somewhat.
'Maybe tomorrow will be better' I think to myself, laying down on my bed. 'Maybe tomorrow it will not hurt so much that he is gone'. Even as I think that, I want to slap myself. 'Nothing will ever be better' I tell myself fiercely. How can it? Everything that I built, my past, my present and my future revolved around him. Plans of a wedding, a big house that would be filled with the laughter of children all gone. In the split second that it took Tommy to leave this life, everything was shattered. I was shattered.
I am no longer the strong person I used to be. I no longer wear the bright pink spandex suit, nor do I save the people of Angel Grove from monsters bent on destroying them. I thought that I lost myself when I passed on my powers to Kat. I chuckle to myself at that thought. I knew nothing of real loss. The kind that staggers you and makes you fall to the ground sobbing whatever is left of your heart out. I was sad because I could no longer morph into a vapid valley girl who has a little skirt on? I was so fucking stupid.
The old Kimberly is gone. The only thing left of the happy and cheerful person I used to be is a black hole. There is nothing left of me. Everything that I was, that I could and should have been was buried in that coffin that contains the love of my life. Or what is left of him.
It is hard to think of someone's body as just being their "shell". The first thing I saw upon waking up in the morning was his beautiful face, eyes closed in peaceful sleep. A shell can not give you the feeling of being safe, and loved when giving you a hug. His body was capable of great things. It could be fierce when he was battling the latest monster. Yet it could be ever so gentle when making love to me, holding me as if I would break. My Tommy was no shell.
Dead bodies do not look as if they are sleeping, as everyone tells you. They look dead. When I saw my love lying in repose nestled among the silk and pillows, he was not peaceful. His skin was cold and slightly wrinkled, and his mouth that I had kissed so tenderly so many times was sewed shut. Tommy's eyes that had first met mine across the room that fateful day of his karate competition were also shut un-naturally. My love was gone. But yet a part of him still remained. I did not want his body buried.
I shake my head, clearing away those memories for a little while. I lay in my bed, closing my eyes and saying my usual prayer for God to come and take me. Maybe this night I shall dream of my white knight again, so that I may at least be at peace for a little while.
A.N: That you for everyone who has reviewed. I appreciate all the kind words. Yes, writing this story is very cleansing and therapeutic for me. I hope all of my reviews are as sweet as you ten are. I can't thank you guys enough. I'm sorry it took so long for a chapter two. I had knee surgery and was bed-ridden for awhile, and I didn't know exactly how to write a continuing chapter. I hope that I can get some more reviews, because I don't want to continue writing a story that is not very well received. And fair warning to all, it will continue to get darker from here on out. Look for more chapters this week.