Trini called today. I ignored the call, as usual. I cannot bear to hear the words that come out of friends mouths now. While words of comfort usually brought solace to my soul before Tommy died, now they are just empty words. I know it is selfish of me to expect people to understand. They can't. And I hope to God they never will be able to. Because to truly understand what it is like..you would have to lose someone of great importance to your life. I would never wish that on my worst enemy. I've heard many things from my friends, now scattered across the globe. From the ubiquitous "He's in a better place now." And my personal favorite, "He would want you to go on with your life." Damn them. They don't know what their talking about. Tommy and I had discussed death before, and what it would mean to us as a couple. While not coming right out and saying that he would commit suicide if I ever died before him, he had said that he couldn't live without me. Nor I, him.
I feel like a child who could not get her way about something. I want to throw myself on the floor and throw the biggest tantrum I could muster, pounding my fists and sobbing my eyes out. Hoping that when I got up, things would be better. I miss being a child. Being care-free, knowing there was always someone around to take care of you. No responsibilities. No pain aside from the occasional scraped knee. How badly I want to go back in time to when Tommy and I were happy and everything was okay. I want to tell my past self t to fight less with him, and enjoy her time with him more. You don't realize how one day you regret those petty squabbles that seemed so important at the time. It's not. Enjoy your time together, because it can be so fleeting.
You hear that all the time, you know? "Life is short, enjoy it while it lasts." But no one really abides by that. Especially when your young. Life seems endless, and you don't make any plans for any longer then what your doing next week. Tommy and I had grand dreams. Together, we thought, we could do and be anything. There was no Tommy and Kimberly. Not one without the other. Just a set. It's hard for me to remember a time when it was just Kim. Heed my warning, if you do not have an identity outside of your significant other, you have nothing when you lose them.
When I say that I lost it all the day he died, I truly mean it. Be with your lover, but don't be your lover. It's as hard to explain as it is to read I'm sure. I did not fully lose myself in my relationship, but the dreams I had for the future were so tightly wrapped up in him that I lost them when he died. I feel lost.. I am but a shell.. I have stopped feeling for the most part. I just exist. If it wasn't for these pieces of paper that I hastily scribble down my tormented thoughts on, I would have no identity. It surprised me the depth of the pain that I'm experiencing. It's not just that I lost my lover, my soul mate. I lost so much more then that. I lost my best friend, my confidant. I lost my shoulder to cry on when I was upset. I lost my best cheerleader that I could ask for. And it's so much more that I cannot possible put into words.
I believe it is a good thing that we do not have many drugs in Angel Grove, for as much anti-drug as I was growing up, I might be sorely tempted now. Even alcohol does not provide me the escape I need. For if your depressed before you begin drinking, your ever more depressed when your staggering towards the bathroom looking for a razor to slice yourself open. Is it bad that I find blood to be beautiful now? When I see it, bubbling slowly from my open wrist, I am fascinated. That if you lose just enough of it..you stop existing.
I hope that one day, whomever finds these papers will understand what I am going through. As for now, I will keep writing, and keep these precious scribbles close to my heart, for it is all I have left of myself.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything in the story but my words and feelings. Every character and town mentioned in this story belongs to Haim Saban.
A.N: Thanks all who stuck with me. This is a long and arduous process, to let myself remember how I felt, and still occasionally feel. It opens more floodgates then you will ever know. Several of this chapters were written in solemn contemplation, or through tear blurred eyes. I hope you can look past any minor mistakes that I have made in the typing of this story. Having said that, I appreciate all your reviews. Truly. I know that many of you cannot understand, but can certainly sympathize. That means everything to me. Knowing that I have people out there that take time out of their day to write something nice about my story puts a smile on my face. Thank you all. I can't tell you when any new chapters are coming, because I myself do not know. Every new chapter written both depresses me, and frees my soul a little bit, from it's burden. I can promise you though, loyal readers, I will write when I m able.